A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:okay so earlier this semester I moved into an apartment with a friend who lives in the dorms with me and also her cousin and her cousin's boyfriend. all of us are really busy with school and work and all three of them are going to be gone until school starts because there with family. I work at a little retail store that sells arts and crafts by local people so obviously this season is really busy. I have a really hard time making friends because I don't really like to go out too but my roommates tell me that I need to venture out and make some other friends of my because well they love me, they think I'm up to much and one of them said I'm actually a little too clingy. I think they're a little upset also that I go into my room for a long time we had guests over and only come out or short periods and they think its really rude when I come home with food from a restaurant and I just take it to the room and don't share with them or the guests. I take it to my room because I can't afford to pay for everybody and if I have food in the apartment, they offer it to the guestsand then I don't have any. half the time, I don't know they're having people over.So to make friends I try seeing people at work outside work but they don't really invite me anywhere unless it's a party or event where everybody goes. this girl “S” who was really really nice told me I'm always welcome to join them and since I have no car, I just have to leave when my ride does and pay them some money. that is fine with me and I only go out maybe once or twice a month. most of the time they are in a club or they go bowling and I don't really drink mixed or maybe one beer or one mixed drink. “S” had a Halloween party and her relative named “D” ended up talking to me most of the night. I felt really rude talking to just him and I was pretty uncomfortable because he was sitting really close to me and he kept touching my leg or my hair. I kept scooting back and he kept coming closer but I didn't want to be rude to him. I kept trying to get up so I could talk to somebody else and he kept finding reasons to stop me. I only had 3 beers in a four hour period but when I said I was getting up to get a drink, he came back with several of them and at that point the bathroom was taken. halfway through the night I had to pee so bad I could hardly concentrate but I was too embarrassed to tell him that. I told him I wanted to get some fresh air so I could go past the bathroom,, but he pulled me up off the couch and steered me through the kitchen door because nobody was outside there and he wanted us to have more privacy. I smoked one of his cigarettes even though I don't smoke and I just awkwardly stood there talking to him and desperately trying to think of how I could just go home. I made up a story about how my sister needed me and how she was probably still in my apartment and he kept trying to convince me that I should wait some to make sure I was sobered up even though I wasn't and he offered me a ride home. we kept getting interrupted on the way out the door but finally when he started to take me home, he drove me a really weird way there and I'm not familiar with the city, just the bus routes. he told me he was taking the long way because he didn't want to let me go and I just really wanted to cry but I wasn't sure what was wrong. finally, I got home and he wanted to come in real quick and use my restroom. I was practically peeing myself but I didn't want him to hear me and I was trying to think of a way to get him out of there because I don't have a sister to live with me and nobody was coming home. I don't know how I convinced him it was okay to leave before she gor back.we texted off and on for a couple days and I told him I didn't have a facebook and when he called me on it I told him it was only for family. he sent me a :-) and asked what else I was keeping from him. he doesn't live in this town so I didn't have to see him in person. most of our texts for goofy and funny and cute and he apologized if he came on to me but he said that my costume was really sexy and he couldn't help it. I thought that was probably my fault because I was wearing a tiara and my mom's dress from the eighties and a fake prom queen sash. I also had on really gaudy makeup and these long gloves on with the state diamond rings with big stones. most of the time I was able to tell him I was or that I did not have unlimited talk, just text. I didn't want to be rude to him, but he texted me a lot and kept talking about coming to see me.he came into work one day and surprise me with a really nice cell phone that did have unlimited talk text and Internet, and he told me he wanted to mail it to me but he did not want to freak me and he kept asking about my sister so I was forced to lie about a lot of really weird things and I didn't know what else to do.I really wanted to lie and say I would be out of town for the holidays but he is in town for the holidays and come by my work all the time and he has my schedule memorized. my roommates and coworkers think it's great and that he's really sweet and that I should really give him a chance. I finally told him through text that I really wasn't looking and I didn't want to give that impression. he just responded with okay :-) and then he said chill girl don't flatter yourself wink. I didn't respond to some of these texts after that and he made it a point to come into my work and confront me and while his words were nice it was more like I hurt his and I ended up being really embarrassed and apologized a lot. since then my coworkers have really been giving me the cold shoulder. to wear something changes or we are going to promote something they don't tell me. or if I tell a customer about a policy, they contradict me and make me look stupid. I can't place my finger on it but the way he asked me what was going on and saying I hurt his feelings and led him on, it really sort of scared me and my stomach hurts when I think about going to work. my coworkers always have some excuse to not have me come with them even if I don't ask to go. they'll say they're going somewhere and then look at me and say but nobody can give you a ride I'm sorry. or they'll say my grandma will be there and she only want certain people there. I'm so nervous I keep making mistakes at work and I'm not sure if I'll be able to find another job very easily. I spend all day on Christmas and the day after not answering my phone unless it was family and not answering my door. I even had to have my phone on silence and check the hall to make sure that he wasn't going to come knocking on my door and hear me talking because I was pretending I was not home. yesterday, I finally did text “D” back and I told him I did not mean to be childish and that I was only nervous and that I wanted to be friends. I said that I was too scared to say that earlier because I'm very shy and I didn't mean to hurt his feelings. I guess I was ok with Goofy conversations sometime and I was kind of upset and wanted him and my coworkers to stop hating me. I didn't want anybody mad at me anymore. my roommates also thought I was being crazy to. “D” was sending me all these sex text and I would just say OK or I would change the subject. ignoring the response did not work because he would text the same thing over and over and then text hello or answer. he then called me up and yelled at me and said that he was trying to get something started and then I must have my head up my ass to not realize and when I texted back no I do not, he told me then that it was either that or else I was playing games and that I did not want to do that to him because him and his cousin were real close and they were all cool with him and they were not people I wanted to mess with.it sounds stupid but I'm really scared and I don't know why. I try so hard to make friends but most people end up hating me or I annoy people and it has to do with a guy most of the time. what do I do I'm close to tears and I don't know what's wrong with me. at the same time nobody seems to listen and they all just tell me I just don't get it.
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female
reader, signlike +, writes (29 December 2015):
If you're co-workers are giving you nasty looks, alienating you, and that's work place bullying. You need to either report to a higher up that you won't work with them, or find another job. Personally, it sounds to me like the whole thing is a mess, so I'd find another job. Just take what you can get and do NOT tell anyone there where you're going. As for that guy, I will agree with "honeypie" that you needed to be more assertive from the getgo. Somebody touching you like that is NOT okay, and you need to YELL the next time that happens for him to get his hands off of you. You sound really self-conscious and that's what's keeping you from standing up for yourself. At any rate, this guy probably DOES know he's crossing the line and being inappropriate, but he keeps doing it because he can. I'd say send him a text and say he's not welcomed around you or your home anymore, he makes you uncomfortable and you don't want him around. If he shows up or keeps pestering you, you WILL call the police.Then, if he does show up, you can call the police and say he's stalking you from there. You don't have to "prove" anything if he shows up at your home or something (because that's your home he can't be there if you don't want him), but if you're out and about and he bumps into you and won't leave you alone, you can probably still call them and explain the situation: you've known him for some time, he's made you uncomfortable, you've told him to leave you alone, now he's "bumping" into you in public--you're afraid for your safety. That's enough, really. Save the messages he sends (he'll probably bombard your phone after you tell him the news -- DON'T reply to any of it just save it for potential evidence). I don't suppose you have enough money saved up to survive for like a month without your job? I'd imagine you could find a new one in that time, even if you couldn't use that particular company as a reference (I don't know if I'd recommend it after all I've heard).Anyway, this is indeed a messy situation. I'm sorry you're in it. There are certainly better people in this world. Chalk it up to experience and know you're safe and will make it through this. Maybe see a counsellor about all this, either now or once it over, and tell them you think it's happened because you're so self-conscious you got into such a situation, and so you want to work on that. They should be able to help you.And please, keep us updated. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2015): This man has abuser painted all over him in bright yellow neon letters. Abusers want immediate, exclusive commitment. They are possessive, jealous, and like to be in control at all times. They are demanding (often of sex), entitled, they blame their victims, they are demeaning and thrive on humiliation and doubt. They act out these traits even more when their control is threatened (when victim stands up to him) and become vindictive and punishing when the victim tries to leave. They don't give a care if you show signs of no interest and make it their job to change your mind and are outraged if you don't follow the script.Re read your post and see how this fits the DAY you met him. He knew you were not interested and that you had to pee and refused to let you leave his side. He knew you were lying about your sister and let it slide to use as ammo for later... And pretended your "keeping things" was a big joke while he was probably FUMING inside.Your co workers are NOT friends BC anyone could have seen you needed space or someone to step in and introduce you around. I agree that they're hostile (punishment) but also confused: why can't someone your age SAY you have to pee? Or that you want to mingle? Next time you go ANYWHERE, make sure you have TWO ways out.Most invitations should be answered with "I will have to think on it. I will let you know by (time it takes to figure out those two ways out)" if someone changes plans on you, simply say "I planned to go to ___. I will just go home." No apology needed. You need no explanation other than "I'm just not up to (new plan)." It is NOT going to make others change their plans or ruin their fun and don't let them tell you that!!Your roommates were already close before you moved in so you are trying to break into an established group with people you have little in common with. They guilt you over food when they're the ones who invited over guests they couldn't feed. I bet roommate ate your food in the dorm too. Honesty, I think they wanted cheap rent, free food, and a roommate that would provide that and then shut up and go away.First of all, start asking campus housing about co ops or look off campus for an efficiency. That will prepare you for when the lease is done. Start saving money do you'll have extra by then. STAY THE HELL OUT of the apartment as much as possible. Don't have any food in there. Put money on a food card for campus dining and eat as many meals there as possible. If you work, leave early for work, buy microwave or easy one serving foods each day (sucks, I know) and eat those. Have protein bars to stash in your bag. "Sorry roommates, I ate earlier". Be prepared for the backlash.Tell the manager every thing, tell the dude through text not to contact you and tell the manager you did that. Block dude from any phone or media, be on the look out for signs of him and document EVERYTHING. If you are worried, call the police and utilize campus security.Start looking for a new job and (sorry) be prepared for the backlash. I hate to say it, but maybe you are better off in the dorms... Or at home with your family. You may not be ready for independence or freedom.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 December 2015):
 Let me explain it as simply as I can. YOU got yourself into this mess, because you haven't learned to stand up for yourself, and maybe because you also try a little to hard to please others, rather than follow you heart.
You should have told him off at the party. He made you uncomfortable. YOU need to learn to tell people NO. And excuse me I want to mingle with all the other people here, or I NEED to use the restroom, excuse me or a go kick rocks, I'm not interested. AND NEVER EVER get in a car with someone you don't really know. Doesn't matter if he is related to a co-worker. YOU don't know him, YOU don't get in the car with him.
Instead you have now alienated your co-workers because THIS guy have told them all kind of lies and crap and you OWN behavior have made them think you were/are some little cock tease.
So what can you do? BLOCK his number. He might be close with his cousin whom you work with, but I would suggest you tell her, I'm sorry if you felt like I strung your cousin along, I'm not every experienced in standing up for myself or even talking to men, I was never interested in anything but friendship. And then you LEAVE it at that.
YOU stop showing fear at work. DO your job, you know what to do. You are psyching yourself up that they all "hate" you and therefore you make mistakes. WHO cares what they think!?
You don't like the dude. Your inner voice told you something was OFF about him and guess what? YOUR inner voice was right! He is a creepy asshat!
STOP trying so heard to please everyone. YOU can't! It makes you end up lying left and right and NO ONE likes a liar, you know that. LYING doesn't spare someone's feeling. Quite the opposite! This is why you lose friends or can't keep friends. Because you aren't being honest. Being you.
Now you live with some people who think you should SHARE your food, well if you can't afford to feed them, then don't. You pay (I'm sure you share of the cost of living) and I bet you don't share your underwear or toothpaste with them either, so WHY should you share your food? THEY can call for take out themselves. NOT your JOB to feed them. SO STOP feeling bad over that. It's your food. END of story.
Your room-mates wants you to have a more exciting life, but UNTIL you can actually stand up for yourself, go slow. Don't let them dictate how you MUST live your life.
In the end what you did was not something horrible, you just didn't have the lady-balls to tell your co-workers slimy cousin to F off. And he on the other hand created drama for you at your work-place. HOW low!
My advice, go see your manager. See if there is a chance to move to another branch office. IF that is not possible, start sending out applications and look for another job. Because you now have a hostile work environment and I think this nasty dude will make it worse for you, out of spite - such a nasty little man! And make sure your manager knows they are keeping you out of the loop because you didn't want to date one of the girl's cousin.
STOP being a doormat, honey... specially if you don't like people to walk all over you. Girls like you attract abusive character like this cousin, because they KNOW you won't stand up for yourself.
Oh and make sure your Facebook is set to PRIVATE so he can't snoop you or your friends on there.
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