A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello dearcupid,I am a 24 year old woman, currently in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend--let's call him K. We have been together for over five years, and a lot has changed during that time. He is about to turn 39, so there is an age difference. Honestly, it has not been an issue the past 5 years, but lately I've realized that I've changed a lot. I was nineteen when we met, and honestly I was very low-maintenance and didn't expect much from a relationship except to be loved and treated well.Now I'm older, and I expect more? We live together and our finances are not so great--we really struggle, probably like a lot of people. I want him to step up to the plate and help more, with dishes, bills etc. he tries, but honestly I've realized that he is who he is. I can either accept it or leave it, and at this point I think we both know it's not going well. He lives an unhealthy lifestyle (smoking, eating like crap), and no matter how hard I try to push him towards better choices I am finding more and more that he is not going to change. We fight a lot,and even though we have our happy moments I am have doubts about this person whom I once thought would be my husband. I have a friend from my Spanish class, let's call him T. We are just friends, but we study together and sometimes we'll text back and forth outside of class. One time we got drinks together after studying and got to know each other better. He always gives me a ride home after class, and we have a lot of similar interests, interested that K and I do not share. T makes me laugh so hard, and is very kind. He is also extremely attractive, and is my age. In some ways, he is the opposite of my current boyfriend. He knows that I'm in a relationship, and he has a girlfriend as well. Lately though I can't stop thinking about him. I keep fantasizing about being with him, both physically and emotionally (in a relationship). I have not overstepped any boundaries, although we are sometimes a bit flirtatious. I can tell that he is attracted to me, but it's clear he's in love with his girlfriend. This makes me feel weirdly depressed. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I think I have feelings for him and I don't know what to do. I also have feelings for my partner, but they have been overshadowed with resentment as of late. Also, I'm sure this girl is really sweet and I feel like scum for feeling this way. I don't know why I am torturing myself like this, but I can't stop thinking about it. Sorry for rambling... basically I just want to know what you think I should do? I feel like the most obvious answer is "do nothing", but that doesn't help me with this horrible feeling that I have right now. Have any of you been in a similar situation? How should I handle the situation? Am I feeling this way because of my unhappiness with K, like some kind of projection? Or is this a sign of a much larger problem? Thank you in advance for any advice you have to offer.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 May 2017):
 You got in to a serious relationship quite young and off course you are going to change. It sounds from your post that this relationship is over. You might not want to admit it but it looks like it has ran its course. The age gap won't help matters either as you are both at different life stages. I think you need to talk to K and tell him it is over.
Then take some time for you. You need to learn what it is like to be independent and on your own. It may take a while to get used to but enjoy your life. Do things you want to do. Recover from the heartbreak and just be on your own for a while until you get over K.
I think you need to accept that T is a friend. Yes he may flirt but if he loves his girlfriend then you need to accept that. Even if it means staying a way from him until your feelings go away. You will find a man who is suited to you, but for now be single for a while and just enjoy life. Get to know yourself more and be more independent.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2017): Hi sweetyLet's first look at the good news here. you are not the susceptible, gullible, naive teenager who is oh-so-grateful that the grown-up man is giving you love and commitment. I don't want to judge you bf too much. But he does sound irresponsible, immature and takes opportunity to manipulate young teenager into someone like himself. Because, let's face it, he would have had to work much harder to find or keep an older love interest (back then). You are younger, can be easily moulded to his liking and a loyal pet. Don't connect you having a crush to this bad relationship. If it has anything to do with this relationship, maybe that's also a bad choice. irrespective of whether you date someone new/not, you need to let go of the current one and become single and thoroughly independent again. (It's been many years since you knew yourself as a single identity). Rediscover the older, better and more sensible you and know what you want in the next relationship, before you jump into one! The 'T' guy in your spanish class, you'll meet several like and unlike him when you are single and fully healed from the break up. So many fishes out there in the sea. If he already has a gf then, leave him alone unless he feels the same towards you and has something worthwhile to offer. DO NOT get into a relationship without BREAKING UP first, as that amounts to cheating and dishonesty. Nor should you start a relationship with a guy who isn't at present or isn't going to be single very soon.What is more important is that you get out of the unhealthy, unwanted and unhappy relationship that has no GOOD future, and heal yourself. You don't sound like you were having enough self worth in your younger days. But now you have grown up enough to put that thought about yourself behind you. So you know it's great to be single as much as it is to be in a relationship. You don't need a man in order to be happy. You need a man only to share happiness that you have as a single and also for the sake of settling down. But you are young and can take time..no hurry to find a mate ASAP or anything!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 May 2017):
 I agree with Denizen,
Do pursue your friend. HE has a partner. Instead, focus on your own relationship, decide (regardless if T's existence) if you WANT to continue with "K" or not.
My guess is that you have grown a lot of the 5 years you have been with K, and you have grown apart. While you have grown and matured from a 19-year-old to a 20'something your current BF has not changed at all, just gotten a bit older and more "settled" in his ways. Which in a sense is only natural he was already a "grown" man when you met him.
The fact that you KNOW and ACCEPT that you can't change "K" is a good start. Because you can't. He is who he is.
"T" might find you attractive and a good friend but he IS HAPPY with his GF. Why would you want to mess with that? Especially when the outcome could be that he WON'T thank you for ruining his relationship. It's really a LOSE/LOSE situation to go after a guy who is HAPPY with his partner.
What you have is a CRUSH on "T". Probably because you are not happy in your own relationship and is starting to realize that what you GOT ("K") and what you WANT is no longer one and the same. You are building "T" up to someone he may not even be. He might be a total nightmare to live with, dirty socks everywhere, won't do dishes etc. You don't know. All you see is little snippets of him. The rest YOU make up in your fantasies. Can't date a fantasy.
My advice? Disentangle yourself from "K" financially and otherwise, and end it. Take a good 6-8 months of being single to figure out WHAT you want to do with your life, WHAT kind of man you want IN your life and WHO you are now.
And let's talk common sense and morals for a minute. I know that you are unhappy with "K" - but you NEED to also consider that going after a guy with a GF is wrong on SO many levels. You are OLD enough to know better. "T"'s GF wouldn't be the only hurt by pursuing him.
If you can feel this kind of connection with "T" you can feel it with someone else. Someone SINGLE. It doesn't mean that "T" is the ONLY guy out there that can make you feel special. So I'd advise you to remember that.
But DO take some time to be single and figure out what you really want in life, in a partner. Don't JUMP from one guy to the next. A guy should not be your only source of feeling happy. Perhaps next time, date someone closer to your own age as well.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (3 May 2017):
 Hopping from one relationship to another, even if it were possible, is a recipe for disaster.
End your current relationship. Recover yourself - that might take longer than you imagine - and then look to a new future with someone more suitable for you.
Look at it sensibly. What is the alternative? A mess! Emotional, social, romantic... And all because you feel flirtatious and your current relationship proved to be a poor choice for you. He won't change and you imagined he would. To be honest you are not the first to believe that. Sorry.
Take the hard decision for your long-term happiness and your mental health.
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