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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My ex dumped me about a year ago. We had been together for 4 years, including 2 years LDR. We planned to get married, but he broke up with me 2 months before we could finally see each other. He thought I was too clingy. He cheated on me twice before our LDR, so I was always very insecure. It was a really bad breakup. We talked a few times after the breakup. It was mostly about him telling me he couldn't put up with me. I was heartbroken and went no contact. 3 months after the breakup, he initiated contact. He wanted me back. He said he missed me and loved me. I still loved him then but said no. I understood that we couldn't work out, we're just going back and forth. He told me he would come back to me whenever I'm ready. He wouldn't let go. I blocked him then we stopped talking.This January, I unblocked him and saw him with someone else. I was upset and started talking to him again. He told me he's trying to move on, but no matter who he's with, no one can be as nice as I am. He will always love me. I didn't know what I was thinking. I just couldn't stand seeing him with someone else so I asked him to come back. He said nothing. I realized that everything he said was a lie. I was pissed that he lied about loving me again. I blocked him again and never ever talked to him. I started my new life. I think of him sometimes, but never shed a tear for him.Just days ago, I was curious and unblocked him. I saw he's in a relationship with his gf. He put her name on it and even their anniversary. I went back to see the emails he wrote me when he wanted me back. It's a couple of days before and after they started dating. I'm so pissed and confused why he did this. He started dating but wanted me back. I had no feelings for him and focused on my life before I saw this. Now I just hate him more. What do I do? This guy is a scum. Do I tell his gf?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 March 2014):
 yep you just sit there in the mess you made yourself.
Had you blocked him and moved on with your life you would not know he lied or he had a new GF and you would not be worried about HIM OR HER.
KEEP the focus on yourself...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2014): Yes Ciar, thank you for expressing your concern.working abroad is still my plan, and im working on it too. I admit that im jealous that he put his gfs name on facebook because he's nnot one that takes facebook seriously. Now that he's telling everbody he's in love. Im so mad and feel so terrible that he fooled me.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (21 March 2014):
 When you wrote to us on February 18th you said you were going to work abroad and focus on your goals. How is that coming along?
You were given very good advice yet you don't seem to have followed any of it. You've still got your ex's contact information, he's still on your social networking accounts, you're still blocking and unblocking him and still communicating with him. When are you going to start moving on?
OP, you have done absolutely nothing to help yourself here and frankly your behaviour borders on creepy. He broke up with you over a year ago.
No I don't think you should tell his new girlfriend anything of the sort. I think you should smarten up and leave the man and anyone connected to him alone once and for all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2014): Thank you all for the advice. Now I found out he wanted me back when hes started dating and when i contacted him again, he said he still loves me. He lied twice! Im just so mad that he did this. I know i would look like a crazy ex if i did so, i wont do that, but do i just sit there knowing he lied and theres nothing i can do about it?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 March 2014):
Sure, tell her if you want to be the "psycho ex girlfriend". There's no way she'll believe you over him.
Besides, your relationship was complicated, maybe there's is simpler and they're happy together.
Just because he contacted you after they got together doesn't mean anything. It takes time to develop feelings and become committed. He never took you up on your offer so that says a lot about how he feels about her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): Really agree with all wise owl has said, and if it makes it easier to move on, just remember how much this man lied to you, do leopards change their spots, depends what they are capable of I expect. He is capable of harmful behaviour, your only going to hurt yourself again by any more involvement, and no, he isn't worth and his new relationship is not your concern, thankfully.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): You keep intruding on his life, blocking and unblocking him. Now motivated by your anger, vengeance, and jealousy, you want to tell his new girlfriend how much scum he is? Really?!
It was you who couldn't just move on; but invited the lying
and other bullsh*t back into your life. You freed the drama-queen, and all she did was started another soap opera. You don't even get the man, and it's your drama.
I empathize with your pain. So I will take the time to guide you through what you're feeling. It's worth the time to help you; because I recognize the place where you are now. It's lengthy; but hopefully helpful to you and others.
When he first contacted you; your gut told you that you had better leave him alone. The warning-sirens went off, and you chose to ignore them.
Just didn't listen did you, girlfriend?
Why blame him when you shouldn't have had anymore to do with him, no matter what the reason?
You have to own your responsibility in this. You must have read DearCupid enough to read the perils of trying to recontact or restart relationships with exes. The vast majority of reconciliations do not work out the second-time around. The breakup is even worse the next-time.
You reopen old wounds,and revisit all the reasons you broke-up the first time. You reversed all the progress previously made to move on. Ceased all forward-momentum enabling you to start new relationships from a clean slate. Now you're back to square one. Revisiting old pain and sorrow. "Good-morning heart-ache!" as the Billy Holiday song goes. Now comes the blues.
Just being "friends" is only an excuse to break no-contact;
or to reconnect under the pretense all is forgiven and you've moved on. Moving on is a difficult and lengthy process. Some people can get over an ex in days; others may take months,even years. Smart and healthy people do get over their breakups; and move on to better relationships.
Why? Because they learn. They regain control of their lives and know they are worthy of love. One failure does not mean you'll always fail. There is no such thing as "the one and only." The planet is populated with 7 billion people. How can there be only one? My partner of 28 years died. Was that it?
There might be ten more "one and only's" in your future. Who knows? You could live to be 100! You may outlive two or three husbands, like a nanny my dad hired years back.
Up until you find the one that works; everything prior was a lesson, or a trail-relationship. Prepping you for the right person to come along. It takes experience and time to learn this. Some learn very early in their lives. Lucky folks they are! Their suffering is minimal.
Relapses do occur, and missing your ex will make you do foolish, or self-destructive things. You have to fight all temptation. Settling for crumbs isn't enough. Trying to get someone back through deceptive offers of friendship is just an act of desperation. Living under the pessimism you can't get on without them.
Too many movies and media-fed bullsh*t about soul-mates and reconciliations; cloud our judgement and confuse us. We live by lies on greeting-cards, false-hope, and misinformation. We ignore mama's advice, and tell papa he has no clue what love is. As if it wasn't invented until you were born.
How miserable it must be? Acting like a friend, watching your ex date other people and having a great time. While you're pining and yearning, jealous, and resentful. Someone else seems happier than you ever were. He or she (your ex) is on their best behavior; and their relationship seems stable and healthy. That's must be pure torture. Self-inflicted torture. If you were minding your own business; you'd never know or care.
I no longer give a flying rat's elbow about my ex, and what he's doing. I went cold-turkey and flushed him out of my system. I read, worked on my own issues, reconnected with friends and family. I never lost faith in my own strength.
Through strength comes resilience.
The resentment is gone, anger has subsided; and I haven't made any attempt to break no-contact; because I gave "myself" closure a long time ago. It took work. I just wanted my life back, and realized his happiness has nothing to do with mine anymore. He has a right to be happy. If it took someone else to do it, it freed me (and you) to pursue someone else.
I have no reason for resentment; because it just didn't work out for us. You'll get there. Most people do. Time and results may vary; but life goes on. He wasn't right for you, and fate yanked him out of the way with other intentions for you in the future. Your destiny is now reset; so take care of yourself and prepare for it.
I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 March 2014):
 No you don't tell his gf. You stay out of it and you go back to what you were doing before; blocking him and not speaking to him. Clearly when you don't see him or know what he's up to, you move on so much quicker. I've learned this for myself, so when I go through a break up, I remove that person from any potential contact for an extended period of time until I know for sure I'm over them and have moved on. That includes being okay with them dating other people. It's just easier that way than torturing yourself like how you are now. It's not worth it.
Remove him from your life and don't look back. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2014):
no you do what CaringGuy suggests... you block him and move on.
she'll find out soon enough and to be honest you telling her will NOT change her actions or feelings which will frustrate you more.
your goal more than likely is to hurt him by making her leave, not protect her....
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 March 2014):
Have nothing to do with him at all. Block him again, or you'll risk looking like you're the problem. Stick to your new life. Much better that way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): No, you don't tell his gf. Otherwise you're going to come across as some clingy ex who hasn't got over him, because who is his gf going to believe - him or you?
So he certainly sounds like a douche bag, but it's not your duty to warn his future gf's and for all you know he may be trying to change. What's best now is you move on and focus on your life and yourself. Keep him blocked, you have no reason to unblock him and it's not like you've maintained a friendship - the guy treated you like crap, so stop looking at what he's up to now. Be happy, have fun and don't waste another day reflecting on him.
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