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age
51-59,
writes: He was charming, sexy, funny, and all about me. From living in his brother's basement with his dog, I allowed him into my house with my three children.One by one the true colors were mind blowing. Each layer peeled back to show his verbal violence, lying, deception, secrecy, porn addiction, multi-romances, work romances, email and text flirting, cocaine use, alcohol abuse, poor credit, emotional abuse, hatred of my children, abuse of my credit, disruption of my home's peace with his unbelievably loud sound system six hours a night, trips with buddies for all night rages and stupidity, a trip with another woman to Atlantic City, verbally abusing me in every phone call, putting me down in every email, screaming at me every night after two bottles of wine and an ambien. I should have gotten him out on his first offense.Four years later, all the pressure blew. I one day realized I have nothing to lose. He took my cash, credit, peace, happiness, drove my eldest two children out, and raped me of self-esteem.So, I couldn't live with myself, it was all so unfair. I was cheated on, lied to, used. He walked on me to further his career and ego, got to 400k income per year, built a great social base for his flirting, and delighted in his pornography, all the while, rejecting me for sex. Wow, it was so unfair. A little light in the back of my mind put the formula together: Nothing to lose + Access to his cash + lots of men asking me out every day = Time for me to settle up. I decided to not get sad anymore. I decided to get even.Oh god, it was good.I told him I want out of the relationship, and him out of my house. I told him I don't want his money, his support, I don't crave his love, don't need his hands on me, and don't care if he sees other women. I said he can go do whatever he wants. I told him, "I am doing it too."He didn't believe me. But that's fine.He scrambled. He scrambled like a little seven year old getting caught stealing. But it was too late. I was on a journey.I took up weight lifting, lost twenty pounds. Cut up my muscles, slimmed down where it counts. Bought a marvelous, sexy wardrobe with his cash, (just like when he had me charge a new wardrobe with my credit). I downloaded tons of hot sexy nude males onto my computers, let him find them, and sat there, unblinking, as he whined about how it hurt I look at other men. I stared at gorgeous, hard-bodied guys in restaurants, bars, sidewalks, the gym, and saw him from the side of my eye, burn with jealousy. When confronted, as he does, I denied it, saying I was looking at the lovely tree, or the cute old couple.I said yes to every lunch invitation, said hello to every man who admired me walking by, went to happy hours, took phone calls, replied to come ons, and allowed emails to pour in telling me I'm beautiful and hope we get together soon. He found the emails, and as him, I just flat out denied them, saying there was nothing wrong, just like he did to me when I discovered his hot email romances.Seeing I was not putting up with being hurt by him anymore, he started staying home and cooking. He would dress nice, talk nice, allow me full access to his money, listen to me lie to him about not going out to happy hour, and shake his head knowing karma is a biaaa*ch. I walked past him cooking dinner for me, dressed up, and went drinking and dancing. A replay of his four years to me. He was hurt. He emailed me while I was out getting macked on in a bar, saying it was over, and I answered back and said, "Good.". When he insulted me, I repeated it back. When he said it's over, I said, "Make that happen today." When he called me names, I repeated, unblinking right into his face. He once tried to yell at me in bed, I called the cops and reported abuse. He asked for sex, I told him I'm not attracted to abusers and users and don't need him. He complained about that; I said, "How does it feel." He accused me of affairs, I asked him how his were going. He gave me ultimatums, I gave the same ultimatums. He got everything back the second he delivered it and it was good.Then, the best one. To make up for all the all-nighters and multiple partying nights when he forced me to empty my house of my children and then went to mack women all night, plus when he fell in love with a co-worker for two years, I got myself the same hot romance and let him stand around and wait for me while I was like a moth to the flame with this beautiful, gorgeous romantic man. He could smell it on me, he could see it in my eyes, he felt it, and I was in love with this other man. So I finished that out too, and enjoyed every delicious moment of revenge.I don't know what the future holds, but I do know I can sleep at night not being his victim. He can't hurt me anymore, I decided he can't. I don't care if he leaves, and until he does, I really like using his money.Do I want to be with my boyfriend? Evidently to some degree. He's still in my house. Do I hope for success with him? I must. I'm still with him. Am I in love with him and do I trust him? No, and probably never. I have decided I won't get what I want as long as he's in my house, and that's allright for now.So the new tough love is about deciding you're allright with losing. And I really love how it feels to be comfortable with having no fear of loss. And the reason why is because I walked right into the arena willing to be empty and alone after I took a stand; I faced my fear: loss. I stood up, delivered the same blows to my opponent and predator and found out it's okay to deliver punishment that meets the crime. The New Tough Love: making it all equal.
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affair, co-worker, emotionally abusive, fell in love, flirt, jealous, money, muscle, porn, revenge, text, violent Reply to this Article
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (11 August 2010):
As soon as you said about cocaine and alcohol abuse. There's an alarm bell for a start. Those two can change people's moods making them more aggressive.
Also abusing your credit card; loud music etc.
It's good that you decided to NOT take crap from him anymore. However, in doing that, you don't want to become hard and without feelings altogether. That could happen as you have sort of formed an impervious shell around yourself - to protect yourself from further pain.
Yes, you do need to protect yourself but you don't want to live your life without having feelings. If you do that, you will prevent other worthy people from ever getting emotionally close to you. And that's what good relationships are all about. Sharing yourself. Sharing your true feelings. A freedom to be yourself.
Although you have seen a change in his actions lately, there is still a chance if it continues (the relationship that is), that you might let your guard down again, relax and return to your previous way of being. Consequently, he might then also return to his former abusive, inconsiderate ways. It's very likely. You really need to keep that in mind. Don't let yourself be taken for granted.
And do you honestly believe that he isn't still doing all those things now anyway? You can't be together 24/7. It's not possible, you both have to work sometimes.
Also, the way you are towards him now is probably not who you really are, because if you weren't in this relationship but with someone really worthy of you, you could completely be yourself always. That's how it should really be. We can only pretend for so long, then after a while it becomes tiring and you'll have to ask yourself - "Is it really worth it?" To keep doing it, is like you think you don't have any other choices. You have plenty! He's not the only fish in the sea.
Think about what you really want in a relationship. You deserve better. Best Wishes.
A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (9 August 2010):
 The question I have is this: why in God's holy name did you stay with him?
You allowed a cocaine-using, cheating, financially unsound, verbally (and physically?) abusive man to live in the home you provided for your children. And rather than responding to this mistake productively by throwing his ass out, you decided the proper course of action was to simply abuse him right back. Glad to see your youngest child has such a positive example to follow.
When he first revealed these hidden dangers of his personality (I'll assume for now that somehow you did not have the faintest clue that this guy was no good), you had every right to claim victimhood and seek help, sympathy, and advice from others. However, allowing him to stay in your home with your children for *years* after these behaviors manifested basically means you are just as responsible for it as he is. And that's not "blaming the victim" because the real victims here are your children.
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female
reader, Traycie +, writes (8 August 2010):
I love your spunk get that sucker for everything he has
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (8 August 2010):
 So the story is, you had a bad boyfriend that used you, and you turned around and used him right back. And you're still together, but you sleep better at night because you're abusing him instead of him abusing you.
This is not tough love. This is not love at all. This story is about how a good woman turned into a monster.
I hope the story really ends with you kicking him out, finding your self-esteem, and rebuilding your relationship with your children.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): I really enjoyed reading your article. I think it is great that you found your strength to stand up and make some changes, and it is fantastic that your confidence seems to have grown. My only concern is that you seem to have built your new-found confidence around your partner, if that makes sense. You have turned the tables on him, and enjoyed his reaction to your new attitude. That is understandable, but in a way you are relying on him to feed your self-esteem. His reactions make you feel better, but what if one day he just stopped caring? What if he stopped reacting to what you do or say? What if you could provoke no response at all? What then? Would you still feel good in yourself?
While I do admire your strength and think you have done great, I think it may be time to try and base your confidence and self-esteem around other things. Do things for YOU, not for your partner. Because even though you have been buying new clothes, exercising, going out more, flirting with other men, I can't help but think you have not really done any of it for you. You have done it all to prove something to your partner, to get back at him, to show him a different you. It is all because of him.
So whether you stay with him or not, I think it is time for you to really, honestly do things for YOU now. So go out, have a nice time, flirt if you want, buy yourself nice things, but don't think about him. Think about you. Don't do these things to prove something to him. Just do them to make yourself happy. Once you have built up your confidence and self-esteem in this way, and done it for yourself, you will truly have it. Nobody will be able to take it away from you, including your partner. I hope this has made sense, and I hope things go well for you. Good luck. x
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male
reader, werther  +, writes (30 July 2010):
wow
that was quite a story, i do think that i would leave him now, get what you really want in life, talk to and rebuild the relation with your kids if you need to, and find real peace, it can be that you never whant a partner again or that you find someone who knows? hopefully you will soon...
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (29 July 2010):
 man! that tired me out; i'm glad you found relief. I'm just happy i'm not him...if i was though, I wouldn't have been so wierd on you.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 July 2010):
 Wow. That's quite a story.
So your revenge was to become just like him, eh? Well, if it makes you feel good, I guess the ends justify the means, on both your parts. Maybe he's happy with what he created?
I don't know, I just think bile is a nasty diet for the long-term. I prefer my non-dramatic, supportive, loving, intelligent, great guy.
My 0.02 cents on this thread is that if you had kicked him out way back when, you might have found a decent guy, and been through all this out the other side in a less hateful and hurtful relationship.
I think it was Nietzsche who said that when you look into the abyss, the abyss looks into you.
I hope your children are doing well and are able to form stable relationships. I wish peace for you and positive energy.
Good luck.
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