A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy on a Christian Dating site. I was sick of all the guys i had been dating, they were pressuring me into sex, i felt used and worthless. I'm a Christian, so i think - That's the problem, they don't share my faith! I had always wanted to stay a virgin forever, i got drunk one night my softmore year in highschool and lost it in a pool surrounded by a bunch of 20+ year old guys. Tragic story, still my fault. I was drinking, i was in the pool, i wanted to have sex that night. I was molested as a kid by my siblings, and i in turn molested my younger siblings. I was a child, i didn't know better, i could say all of that - but the truth is alot of my being and saddness and fears about love and sex stem from these very things i went through as a kid.SO i'm 19, better head on my shoulders, reconciled with my siblings years ago when we figured out what an apology was, forgave my brothers and sisters that molested me, and forgave myself.I meet this man, he's 30 (for some reason, im attracted to men this age because i tend to hope we can be on the same plane emotionally. Plus, he can protect me. Fill in for the male figure that i never had.) He tells me that God ordained our marriage,(a month into dating) Me, more and more i'm startingto love him, feeling like - he loves me, this has to be the craziest most awesome thing that could happen, right? On top of all the emotional support he's giving me, (it was long distance at this time about 4hrs away) because i'm telling him everything, he says don't worry babe, we're going to wait until we're married. Im like, wow - someone who doesn't just want sex from me, someone who is passionate about Jesus and Christianity as i am, and who just loves me. I'm lucky. I love him i really do. He sends me money, i drive to go see him. -----------------------------I see him, he kisses me. I'm still nervous. I don't really kiss back - he still kisses me. Okay, no big deal right? He's excited to see me - i'm the one who's being weird, after everything we talked about. I just want to hold him, and be held. You believe someone is your soulmate, all the saddness you've carried around and insecurities, should be able to be lied down. I put my stuff away, we have breakfast, everythings ok. I mean we had phone sex a few times, and he and i both assumed, it's better this way because we still have natural desires (not to mention, when i met him a month ago, i had just being pressured into having sex twice in one night. Different tactics, someone's loving mom i had known for 3 years, and a guy i wanted to hold me and console me that night, i mean i figured it's midnight i feel weak, theres this guy i know who wants to hang out with me. we hang out for an hour and ask ok, now what do you want to do. we played pool, i mean what else is there to do? he says its up to you - i say, its your house (maybe i was being naive for assuming it'd be an innocent, and in the same ways - i was being a bit bold convincing myself, i can do it, no big deal.) he wants to have sex. I was down with it, he kissed me, it was horrible. we didnt kiss all the rest of the night, i was turned on, he mentions oral, i say no i dont like it. He tells me, well i cant do anything if you dont give me oral. Blah blah blah, i do it, (im so stupid and passive)he says; "lets do it without a condom, it wont feel good for me with one...again", i'm stupid and passive) so *Mike* came at the right time. he was my hero, he didn't want anything from me. (i had a few relationships where it ended in sex, and i don't trust them my heart anymore because the way it goes down is normally me feeling like if i don't do it with them, i'll have nothing else that they want.)The weekend goes on, my affection is touching his hair, and face, holding his hand - his affection is stroking my thighs, touching my boobs, carressing my forearm. No big deal, i've never had affection like that, i thought it was lovely that he wanted to touch me. It turned me on, but i love him you know. I told him it turned me on, of course he's playful - he keeps going haha then laughs about it. Everything i could handle, despite the obvious redflags being tossed around in my head - chanell he wants sex, sex, a wife, kids, and sex. I figured i'm just being high strung. We said on the phone we shouldn't drink, i'll get turned on and want to have sex, and do something dumb if i drink. (Being honest with him.) And he's like, "don't worry i'll just have a beer or two. Don't worry, I dont want to drink tonight either." Cool man! i thought. Somehow we started drinking, i knew i was going to have a beer. And when i was still comfortable after one, i was comfortable after 2. I decided no more beer, had two mixed drinks. I'm drunk now, but i still love him and i dont forget why im there in town. We're kissing flirting, he comes to me and says "Hey baby, you drunk?" I'm like, haha kinda, not alot though."Well keep drinkin', haha."I laughed hahah it's a joke you know. I trust him with my being, i trust him with my body, and im drunk i knew he wouldn't take advantage of me.I'm starting to get too drunk i say, babe...lets go to sleep. He's like you ready to sleep? I'm like yeah babe, im ready. We set up the tent, get inside. I'm ready to sleep, i took a shower, half way just incase i can't control myself and i'll want him to touch me, no im pretty sure before i went to sleep i wanted him to touch me. We get in the tent and start fooling around. Still haven't forgot, that if what he says is true, we're getting married and he's my lover to protect me. No we shouldn't have fooled around. We kiss, and i preform oral on him, i come up to kiss him, we agressively pushes my head back down, and starts to pull tightly on my hair with both hands. Thank god his friend walks by, because i had a chance to stop. He preforms oral on me, it feels fine, i keep asking him throughout it, "Babe just kiss me. just come up here and kiss me." and he keeps going, finally he hears me and comes up to kiss me, i want to kiss him for a while, but he's going for his peice for intercourse, i sit up, and put my hands between my legs, and i'm like "No babe, we cant" He's moves my hands away, "Why? Come on.." i put my hands back, He moves them away, i say "Babe, we're waiting for marriage remember." i put my hands back, He says "I'm going to marry you (my name) lol" i move my hands, and i let him inside for one second, then i think, No! i love him and i dont want to ruin the idea of marriage between us. "Babe we can't" he says your right, your right, pushes me off of him, and rolls over on his other side. I begin to cry. I couldn't help it, i'm crying hysterically, and i can't stop. He pulls me close and wipes my eyes, and says i love you, i'm right here.. i'm blocking him out, i dont trust him anymore. I feel so unfulfilling, i felt like i'm the one who's denying him this. He's my future husband, and i cant even have sex with him. It's my fault, i suck at being a loving girlfriend. I leave the tent, cry a bit and think wow, again.But to say something embarrasingly honest, i felt that since he rolled over, he'd touch me or hug me, or kiss me again if we had sex. I come back in still sniffling, and say lets just do it. He says it's okay, i dont want to pressure you into anything you don't want to do (too late) and i said No don't worry about it, i love you, lets just do it. I looked up at him once and caught his gaze, and i said inside of myself, he's not the one. I left my body for a minute. I went down to where he was penetrating me, that's where i stayed, it didn't feel good, it hurt - but that's where i needed to be. I couldn't even bring my heart or soul into this. Just the feeling, focus on the feeling. He was finished, i rolled over and went to sleep. ----------------------------Rain came in, we woke up, put a tarp over the tent. I went back in the tent for sleep, i couldn't even look at him at all. I tried, i got teary eyed again, i could do it. He said 'You can't even look at me?"I glance at him, not really looking at him and smiled then turned over. He started to touch me, it turned me on, (it's weird that when someone touches me and it turns me on, i cannot physically stop them. I want them to keep going, and not stop never stop. I just lay there, and let them touch me. Who they are is blocked out, its just the touching that turns me on) He climbs back on top of me and we do it again. I fall asleep, we wake up, its morning now, sunshine. I can't look at him. In the car or anything. But in his mind nothing wrong happened. So i played out the rest of the weekend like nothing was wrong, because i love him and i didn't want to ruin his weekend. He sent me money for gas and he wanted me there, so i stayed there. I was nice and sweet, and fun, sad - but sweet and fun. I forced myself to get over it - (MY NAME) YOU DRANK, YOU KISSED HIM, YOU WORE SHORTS, YOU WANTED HIM TO TOUCH YOU, YOU WENT BACK IN THE TENT!I tell him when i get to town, it ends in f*ck you, you're a liar, you never loved me, how can you not be in love with me anymore (because i told him it changed for me, after what happened in that tent i cant bring myself to marry you. i was strong at home in my own bed i could say that type of thing, not like if i was right there in front of him, if i saw him shed one tear, or look even the slightest bit hurt, i swear i'd hold him and apologize for not caring of his feelings) YOU WANTED IT *MYNAME* YOU CAME BACK IN THE TENT. He won't get it, the last two days, i have been calling him, texting him, praying and apologizing for breaking his heart, because i ACTUALLY LOVE HIM. But he wont say anything of the sort. Just: "well work through this, but we still get married.""you're missing out on the one.""i love you, and those feelings haven't changed.""i'll only have you in my life if you still want to be my wife.""your feelings aren't true, because it isn't what happened."-----------------------I'm sitting here, typing this, running this around in my mind, thinking he tells me to shut up when he's talking, my feelings don't matter, tells me to shut the f*ck up and not interrupt him. I am trapped by my feelings for him. What if he is God sent and he's sent to me to help me get over my emotions, or if he's the one i'm supposed to marry. I know too much about too many things i've seen and been through in the last 19 years, my emotional capabilities stun even the one's who've raised me and caused my mental stress. I could make anyone see the truth in a situation. But sadly, i feel like im nothing without him. I feel worthless, like a liar, evil, lonely, doubtful of God. I can't even think about anything else. I mean i wrote the entire situation, no masking no just my perspective, i analyze situations so well and remember tiny details that i always feel stupid, because it'll happen, and i'll remember the little remarks, and the flags after the fact. Maybe i should've taken my intuition seriously. When he said well keep drinking haha, i laughed and thought, why so you can get me drunk enough to have sex with you? but i laughed it off. Will someone read this, and tell me if i'm crazy. Tell me if i should stay with him, if this is something to be worked out. Or if i should just find a way to get over it. Some Christian responses would help too. Help me, i'm so lost as to who's right and who's wrong here. My heart says he is, but my mind says i am.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all.
I have severed ties.
im still a bit lost. im looking for churches that offer christian counseling.
but im ok.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): Reading this and trying to figure out how to help you, I had to take notes. I could write a lengthy message, but I think the notes I took might be more concise and helpful. Even the notes are lengthy. Please know that reading this breaks my heart and that I am going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
1. Your actions are sexually permissive. You know this.
You have low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness.
IE, you don't feel that you deserve anything much in life. Having sex makes you feel bad about yourself.
You are berating yourself. Quit putting yourself down. Start saying good things about yourself. You are overly concerned with pleasing people even if they don't deserve it. Quit ruminating everything through your mind, visualizing situations that do not exist, and analyzing everything. Too much is unhealthy. This is where a counselor will really be able to help you like one did me.Every time you start to ruminate stop and say, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus." I stops you from thinking about it. If you are ruminating, it may take many of these phrases to get you on track of pleasant thoughts. Always end the day with what's good about it. How could it have been better? Don't let yourself get into much depth. Keep a list. Writing is good for the soul.
These are characteristics of children who are sexually abused. You also abused, and research will tell you that those who abuse too often repeat the pattern themselves.
2. Go on line and look up "Characteristics of Abused Children." I am sure you will find a lot to read that will help you. I know you made amends with your people, but that was not enough to heal the emotional scars you feel as a person in your own right.
3. A lot of people suggest counseling for almost any problem. I am NOT one of those people, so please take heart to what I am saying.
If you have medical insurance, it will pay for so many counseling sessions a year--usually a certain number of counseling or psychologists sessions and another, greater number of visits to the psychiatrist to determine if you need medication. You just call the number on your insurance card to check to conditions and number of sessions your insurance will cover. You would only need to pay the co-pay.
If you don't have ins., call a local hospital and ask to speak with someone who can give you information about free counseling.
I have had probably a half dozen counselors and that many psy. You must find the right match. That's why it is good to get a referral from someone who has tried him or her, or one based on a good referral from the hospital.
Tell them what you are looking for when you schedule an appointment. Male or female? I didn't like working with a foreigner because we had different cultures, and I couldn't understand her English. I like working with men better, but the lady I am working with now is my favorite. I cannot tell you how much the right counselor can help you. You might want to ensure you are using a Christian counselor; you have to ask him or her. If you call the Christian business for counseling, they are probably and you insurance may not cover it. You might prefer someone who is not blatant, etc.
4. You are looking for a knight in shining armor to rescue you and take away from the emotional pain. That is not going to happen because happiness comes from within. No one can make you happy, not a relatively nice guy like you met, not anyone. When I was in great pain, a psychologist told me this. It took 8 years of praying before I understood it and realized that I don't have to have a man to be happy.
In particular, sex with men is not going to make you feel good. After the fact, you feel lousy, and reinforces your low self-esteem . Try to think ahead and know how badly you will feel the next morning if you do some of these things you feel bad about. What will I feel like in the morning when I am alone?
No one can protect you from yourself. You are in love with the idea/notions of marriage, falsely thinking that will be a magic potent to heal your wounds and make you happy. If you are not complete and happy with yourself, you will carry this baggage into a marriage. It will surface and negatively impact your relationship. Marriage is a lot of hard work, believe me.
5. Through your IMs you probably thought you had something special,and I can see why. When you met, you were not attracted to him when it came to sex. All the IMs you wrote did not generate intimacy. You miss only the IM, which kept you from feeling alone. You are NOT in love with this guy, only in love with what he represents for you: a chance to have someone you think will solve your problems. He represented hope. You are starved for intimacy, but are going about getting it the wrong way. Ask God to help you with this.
6. God is the one who can give you hope. Pray for God to help you and be specific about what you need. The Bible will tell you that God will be your husband when you don't have one. This only means that God is always there for you and will replace your loneliness. Talk to Him. He listens and plants some thoughts (sparingly) in your mind. You might have a feeling you should do something that seems inane. Do it if you have that feeling, and see what happens. He speaks to you through other people as well.
The focus of Christianity is that you believe in Jesus His son being sent to save us. Ask for healing and cleansing for yourself. Don't be looking for another man. You need to get yourself healthier emotionally and spiritually before you will have anything to offer. This will take time. Eventually your eyes will be inundated with tears.
Let it all out.
Get a Bible that has footnotes on the bottom on the pages explaining the text and one that has topics in the index that tell you where to look for information regarding certain problems. Realize that God has a will for us and that is better than what we may have in mind for ourselves. What He wants for us is much greater than what most of us want for ourselves. Look up some of these problems I have mentioned and let that and your own interests be the guide for your reading.
Get involved in a church. Some have singles classes. You will meet more people by attending Sunday School. Attend church dinners and the likes. Every woman I know who has been married after the first time met her husband at church, not a bar. Start here and you can branch out later. Where I used to live, there was a list on line of weekly singles activities in the city you could attend. That is probably offered in your city or area. Google it.
Get a dog; they love you unconditionally. I would suggest getting a dog from Animal Rescue. Thousands of cats and dogs are put to sleep because they have no home. I just adopted one last week, and Jasper is doing great. Cats are easy. Dogs are more trouble but get much closer to you than cats. One would be a trusting friend.
When something or someone is sent from God, it just plops down in your lap unexpectedly and it is there. There are NO doubts, and it goes together smoothly. Your heart will be filled with joy.
Many people don't think God speaks to us. He does. He has spoken to me through other people. Someone might make God-sent comment to you that will stick in your mind and cause you to think about it later. I have sometimes felt that I should say something to someone--usually just one sentence.
For example, I ran from one place to another trying to find the right place to live. A friend who is a very active Christian (prays over people, is a missionary overseas in the summer and teacher during the academic year) wrote me an email message that said, "Why don't you just make Charleston your home?. It is a beautiful city."
That may not sound weird, but I was in the process of finding an apartment in Richmond, VA, my home. In the process, it seemed that nothing was right and that rent was too high. My friend did not know my plan to move back.
Coming back, I found myself thinking about buying a house since the mortgage is actually less expensive than the rent.
The contract went together as smooth as silk. I love the house and cannot wait to move in 3 weeks.
I came here to get back with my 2nd x, thinking that he was all I needed in life. I thought I loved him; I never loved him. I loved the way he treated me, but I could never return what he gave me and felt upset about taking advantage of him. I had already hurt him once. Coming here took me far enough from my first x to get past that. It also clarified that what x2 and I have is really a deep friendship.
I prayed for the impossible: for neither of us to feel pain. I told him we were trying to live as man and wife, that I just couldn't marry him, and that moving apart would not change anything in our friendship as far as I felt. We have 3 more weeks together, and this is the happiest we have been. How we are getting along is truly a gift from God.
It was very, very hard for me to submit myself to God's will. I always wanted to add a footnote or two, but I finally got past that.
6. I am surprised you could make it through the weekend pretending; I couldn't have. A year ago I met a guy and left the next morning, two days before I was invited. I did not have sex with him, but his trying to get physically close to me made me sick. We had agreed to no sex. There is a positive characteristic in you right there! You endured the weekend and tried not to hurt him but at your own expense.
7. **Intimacy is not the result of sex. It is instead the result of good communication, doing things together, having common interests, etc. To the contrary, sex is usually the result of intimacy. It is rare for a relationship that begins with sex to become anything deeper. You felt like you were intimate because of the IMs.
*Sex is like looking at the cover of a book and seeing the title without reading the contents jump into the relationship.
8. God did not send you this guy. He would made you feel good about yourself afterward. Too much has "gone down"
to proceed even in being a friend. What you miss is not him; it is his IM's.
9. I have found answering questions on this website very helpful to me. It makes me realize that I am not alone. You too are not alone. Go on the website, read problems, offer advice. You will be shocked what you will learn by offering advice to others. This will help both them and you. Plus, it's fun. Once you are advising, what you should do in your own situation will be abundantly clear by working with others. This can replace IMing the boyfriend; he is NOT the one for you.
Keep in mind that some advisers criticize what other say. It is all done in fun and respectfully.
It is 3 hours past my bed time, so there may be errors. Email me if you need to. Nite!
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (17 September 2009):
 For starters, I am not a Christian, though I have family that are preachers and I was a born again at one point in my time. What you describe is something that I never was around when I was a dedicated Christian. If you found people that were truly dedicated to Christianity, then you would not have alcohol in the mix, at least not as much as you describe with this man, who clearly intentionally got you drunk to take advantage of you. God gave you instincts and I think your instincts were telling you what this guy was all about. It seems he knew what would happen if you got drunk and he pushed it on you. Then, once you were drunk, he took advantage of you. At that point your mind sees through the guy. He is trying to control you and he seems very emotionally unstable. Don't let him control you. You need to use your mind over your emotions. Think instead of feel. Ask yourself, if this guy were sent by God... then he was sent to get you drunk and take advantage of you !!!!!despite all that you told him. Bull(fill in the blank) One thing I didn't like about Christianity and we can talk more about this another time, but it is the concept of a woman is inferior to the man. Maybe in the society of when the bible was written, but in this day and age, a woman has a new place in society and should not be subjected completely to what a man says. Her thoughts and opinions do matter. I only mention this because it is something you do not want to let him try to manipulate you into something by using this bible reference. You are not his husband yet. God gave you a mind to decide these sorts of things. If God truly intended for you to not use your mind, then you would not have a need for a replacement of a father figure in your life. Use the instincts that God gave you about this man. Go and find someone that will not get you drunk and take advantage of you. Someone that will respect you and listen to you. And, since you are desiring a commitment to God, then seek people that are truly committed to God and will not set up temptations and immediately satiate them. Go to Bible studies and churches and take your time to know someone before you commit too much of yourself.Good Luck to you.
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A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (17 September 2009):
 Listen to the little voice that said this is wrong, he's not the one. I am certain that voice came from GOD.I feel sure he's not the one for you. The situation is all wrong for Christians. That's a BIG red flag!Your story hurts to read... your pain and confusion comes through loud and clear. You need to seek help... you're NOT crazy, but your past abuse is affecting your decision-making and your boundaries. You are behaving NORMAL for someone who has been sexually abused and traumatized... but what was once a means of survival when you were a child is causing you damage as an adult.I understand perfectly about over analyzing and dissecting problems, self-questioning, self-doubt...(that could be me). You may be very logical when it comes to most things... but sex is not an area that you are responding to in a healthy way. You are not over the trauma of your childhood... you can forgive people and even yourself, AND still carry the consequences/damage from those hurts.Your sexuality has been tainted by abuse, promiscuity, and pre-marital sex. God intended sex to be a blessing and a deep expression of love shared only by a husband and a wife. (ALL sex... oral sex IS sex.)Your Christian boundaries are way off course. First, let God be your protector. Nothing has happened to you that God didn't know you were strong enough to handle. (God did not cause your abuse, but He will use it for your good.)Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.Let God be your ultimate protector do not look to a man or even trust yourself in determining conduct... Your conduct and your decisions should be based on the Word of God... found in the Bible. Psa 91:11 God will put his angels in charge of you to protect you wherever you go. I know you are confused and desperately seeking love... but you will NEVER find the real thing by using sex to get love. When you said, "feeling like if i don't do it with them, i'll have nothing else that they want." I think that was a much deeper statement than you realize... I think it is your deepest fear and it is the driving motivation in almost everything you have done.You don't love this man... you are looking to BE loved. Through God you are already loved... you are His precious creation. Do you get that?! GOD created YOU!Look for a Christian counselor to help you. Go see a pastor as soon as possible, he can help you find a good Christian counselor and may be able to provide counseling until you can get in to see a therapist. I have been sexually abused too and trust me you do not understand right now how much that has impacted your development. You asked for someone to tell you if you should stay with him or get over it. My answer... you should NOT stay with him... you should take care of the real issue so that you will have REAL love to give and be able to receive REAL love in the future.I am praying and thinking of you. Please feel free to write anytime. God Bless you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): You are playing games with this man. You let him kiss and fondle you - what were you thinking? That he didn't want sex? It should have been obvious to you that he did, never mind him saying he was going to marry you. Sounds as if he was just telling you that. Besides, what did you think you were doing in deciding to have only one beer because you didn't want to get drunk? Then you had one more, and mixed drinks after that.You lied to yourself. If you didn't want to get drunk you should have stopped with one beer only - or nothing alcoholic. If you didn't want to have sex with him (even though you were turned on, you should have given some thought as to the wisdom of having sex with a man you barely knew - even if you had talked numerous times on the phone). You realized on one level at least that you were behaving irresponsibly. Yes, you should have paid attention to your intuition.Then when you got back to town you hurled a bunch of insults at him - and wondered why he doesn't want to talk to you.You tell us you love him; you feel he's sent by God, and that you feel as if you're nothing without him, lonely, worthless, etc. You sound as if you have some serious issues with self-esteem - which is perhaps not too surprising if you were molested as a child.From a Christian perspective, I believe God is a loving Father-Mother who wants what is best for us. YOU are not acting in your own best interests - as I think you know. It would be a good idea to get into therapy with a counselor you can trust and explore all this stuff with. And, perhaps swear off dating (and this man) and booze!By the way, do you belong to a church community where people are friendly and supportive? If so, that would be good.
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