A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband has violent outbursts about 3 -4 times a year. Something small will usually set him off, but everyone in the family knows to run for cover. I have three children (8,11,13) who have witnessed him exploding in a rage. The last time it happened because I lost the phone charger. He started streaming at me at the top of his lungs, used profanity, and threw me against the wall (our children saw everything). The next day we go on like nothing ever happened. I think of leaving him all the time, and I am unhappy a lot because he puts me down a lot, and I feel like I never know what will set him off. Plus his behavior has caused me to lose any feelings I ever had for him. He refuses counseling. Should I leave him? I don't love him anymore, but I will stay for the sake of my children if they will be better off. Is it better for the kids to see this a few times a year, or break up the family.
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female
reader, mema  +, writes (14 November 2012):
 i think it's time to go away this is not fair for the children u won't be happy when the psychological situation of ur children is not good , in this case u r raising abnormal depressed children in society feel miserable and not safe
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): I grew up in that kind of household. For the "sake of the children" you leave. No child should have to witness their father throwing their mother against a wall. Don't allow him to treat you that way.
If he is unable to control his rage and doesn't care enough to even try - get out. Next time it could be one of your children being thrown against the wall.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): My father grew up in an abusive household. In turn he was abusive to my mother and some of my siblings growing up. I was raised with 3 other girls so the likelihood of us being abusive to our partners wasn't high. But we are all screwed up in our own ways towards relationships. One of my sisters is like my mother and gravitates towards abusive men who will control her. I'm more like my father and need to control everything, I am not abusive, but I am certainly not pleasant. I am also paranoid and can't ever be alone to do anything on my own. My other sister is an alcoholic with social anxiety issues, and the oldest has an obsession with having children yet doesn't want to care for them. She also can't speak to anyone about problems so has already ruined one marriage.
See growing up dysfunctionally can screw a kid up in many different ways. Seeing your parents fight constantly or watching your mom be a doormat who allows herself to be abused messes you up for all future relationships. They are also learning not to speak openly and to bury problems. He hits you and then everyone continues on as if it didn't happen.
Get out for the sake of your children. I always wished my parents would get a divorce. When I saw other kids crying because of their parents divorcing I was jealous, I wouldve killed to have my father gone. While growing up me and my sisters talked amongst each other and admitted we would rather have him dead because life would be so much better. Fucked up isn't it? A 12 year old wishing their father was dead? Hell talk to your kids yourself and see what they say, if they would prefer this life or a life free from abuse and fear. Have an open conversation with your children, don't act like this isn't happening and they are stupid. Start to reverse the damage being done.
I wished my mom would've had the backbone to leave. I still do because she is still there. But nothing I can do about it. Don't be a doormat like my mom. She has quite a miserable life walking on eggshells and needing to lie all the time about the stupidest of things to avoid argument. She's admitted she's depressed before, to me not to my father (she couldn't have a real conversation with him), I just found it so sad. To be depressed yet can't leave out of fear of losing stability. He will end up hitting one of your kids at some point. It's inevitable. A wife beater doesn't have morals, he won't limit abuse to an adult. Just get out of the marriage.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (12 November 2012):
 A divorced, safe and happy home is far FAR better than an intact home that is abusive and dangerous.
You know better. You KNOW what choice you have to make. Do it.
You can.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): He sounds like he has a bipolar disorder and should be seeing a pyschiatrist and on medication. IF this not medically treatable or if medical treatment does not work for him, the ANSWER IS NO on all accounts. 1) you are not staying for the chlidren. this does not help the children and they will learn to either be abused, or be abusers in the future. TO do anything for the childre, you should leave. He needs to get treatment and its non negotiable.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (12 November 2012):
My parents were never directly violent with each other; however, I've grown up believing it is perfectly acceptable to aggressively attack a wall with a fist or a sledgehammer out of rage. All of my sibilings feel the same way.
My father used to punch holes in walls when he lost his temper. Mom used the sledge hammer. When I lose my temper, I punch door frames because I don't want to have to fix holes in walls.
If you think for one minute that your children aren't influenced by his behavior, you are wrong.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 November 2012):
 Don't expose your kids to this vicious environment. If you stay on in this marriage and excuse your husband's violent outbursts then you are giving the worst possible message to your kids-that its OK for a man to ill-treat his wife and that its acceptable for a wife to be beaten and pushed about. Is that how you want your children to grow up? Like dysfunctional adults? Do you want your sons to do the same as your husband and your daughters to tolerate this from their future husbands? This is the worst mistake that people make, they think they should stay in a bad marriage with an abusive/ alcoholic/ cheating partner just because of the kids.
You want to help your kids? Get out of there. Dont stay in this mess because of the kids instead you walk out because you don't want your kids to see any more of this. Forget about violence a few times a year, not even ONCE is acceptable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): No OP you shouldn't stay for the sake of the children, you should leave for the sake of the children, end of story.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): Monkey see, monkey do.
Children learn how to behave as adults from watching their parents. Do you want your children to be the same as you and your husband?
No? Then you owe it to your kids to leave. Children need love not fear. Better a single loving parent then a house filled with hate and fear.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (12 November 2012):
 it's funny because my wife was exactly like that and our daughter was scared. I would just sneak off to bed as would our daughter and we could hear her swearing and carrying on. These things are not worth putting up with. I had the complication of thinking I would not get custody. It is best to walk away as long as that is possible.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (12 November 2012):
 No, it is not better for your children if you stay in a violent relationship. By doing this you are teaching them it is okay for men to throw women against walls, and teaching them its okay to be physically assaulted and not say anything, in fact you are teaching them its so everyday, you don't even mention it, just like making a coffee or doing the dishes.
Leave. I know that sometimes you cant leave straight away so start making your plan to leave, taking your children with you. First make sure you have copies of all important ID and paperwork, and leave this somewhere safe, out of the house. Put aside money into a bank account he doesnt know about, little bits at a time if you think he will notice, and plan your exit strategy, plan where you will go and how to get there, find out if there are any women refuges nearby who may be able to help, look online, clear the history afterwards or use a computer in the library or a net cafe.
For the sake of your children you need to leave. good luck
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (12 November 2012):
 Staying in a violent relationship for the sake of your children is the worst possible mistake you will ever make.
If you no longer love him and have the means to leave, you absolutely should leave. Go to the court to arrange access so you do not have to see him yourself (because he will manipulate and pressure you to come back using hollow promises and threats)
There is overwhelming evidence that proves that children brought up in a violent home with a negative atmosphere are extremely affected and in some cases irreversibly damaged.
Your question should be 'Should I leave for the sake of my children' and the answer to that would be YES.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (12 November 2012):
 No you shouldn't. You should LEAVE for the sake of the children.
Taking them with you obviously.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (12 November 2012):
 I am really sorry for what you are going through, its not a nice life. I know, I lived it. I cannot urge you strongly enough to leave your husband. It is NOT better for your children to see this kind of a life! They are older and will remember this! Basically you are showing them that this kind of behavior from your husband is ok. IT'S NOT OK! Have you ever thought that he might turn on the children???? Its bad enough that he hits you..what makes you think he won't hit them??? Abusive relationships rarely get better without intervention..they just get worse. One of these days your husband may hit you so hard that you don't get back up. TRUST ME...PLEASE. GET OUT! I know its hard to break up a family, but children are strong and they will survive..and so will you. Please help your children and yourself before something really bad can happen. I wish you all the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): Please for your sake and your childrens do not stay there. It will be hard to leave, and you will feel all kinds of guilt, but within a year you will be thankful that you did. And so will your children.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Auntie5 +, writes (12 November 2012):
What Sageoldguy said. Your children learn about what adult relationships are like from watching you. Boys will think it's acceptable to throw their wives against the wall with little provocation, and girls will learn hat they should expect violent behavior from their boyfriends and husbands.
You need to get out, and you and your children need counseling. Contact your local women's shelter for assistance with getting out of your situation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): "Should I stay with a violent husband for the sake of the children?"No, you should leave a violent husband for the sake of your children. Otherwise, sons will learn how to behave like controlling abusive husbands because they will assume that such behavior is "normal" and therefore expected, daughters will learn how to behave like doormat abused wives because they will assume that such behavior is "normal" and therefore expected, and the cycle of dysfunction, abuse and violence will self-perpetuate. Your kids are at the age where what they've seen has already affected them. You need to get them into therapy ASAP if they are to have any chance to grow up to become well-adjusted, emotionally healthy, functional, productive adults. Anything less would constitute parental neglect on your part. Sorry, but you have a choice. Your kids don't.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 November 2012):
 You write: "..but I will stay for the sake of my children if they will be better off. Is it better for the kids to see this a few times a year, or break up the family."
I think you will find that the consensus is that the worst thing you can do is "...stay for the sake of my children.." There is no good that can come from them seeing this behaviour by your husband (their father).... and, in fact, it can be terribly debilitating for them... since children "learn" about "adult" life from the example of their parents.
You would be wise to arrange to leave this man... and take your children with you.... specifically because "breaking up the (their) family" is infinitely better for them then for them to see this dysfunctional behaviour in their own "home."
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): Violent outbursts are never a good thing to expose your children too. You and your children are better off leaving him especially since you dont love him anymore.
Of course its best to talk it over with him and make sure he knows you wont take another violent outburst or its goodbye from you. but use caution and if you feel like your life is in danger should this be brought up seek help from someone as backup.
Losing a phone charger which can be replaced easily is not a legit reason to rage on your own wife.
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