A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi JoI split up with my ex-boyfriend at Christmas 2009 after 2 1/2 years and have never really got over him as there was no official split as such - I thought (mistakenly it turns out) that we would work things out but he never responded to me so in time I came to the conclusion that he didn't want to see me anymore. I had been feeling abit insecure from about 3 months before we split until the Christmas and thought perhaps he was seeing someone else but put it down to paranoia as he had been the most wonderful man I had ever met and had been working 3 jobs so that we could move in together and have children. My Dad even said recently that he thought my ex was going to be his son-in-law (and my Dad has never really liked my boyfriends). All my family and friends thought he was fantastic and something really special like I did. I never stopped hoping that one day he would contact me again, as I felt we were such soulmates.Over Christmas 2009 I had texted his best friend and his sister-in-law to wish them a Happy Christmas because I thought that we could still be friends, however I never heard anything back from any of them. This hurt me so much to be frozen out like this, but I figured that their loyalty lay with my ex so I left it alone.Over time, I had gradually become more depressed because I didn't hear anything from him at all, but remained strong and resisted the urge to contact him and got myself out there dating again (even though none of it worked as I was still thinking about my ex).On Christmas Day 2010, while my family went out for their traditional walk, I made my excuses and stayed behind and cried as it was the first anniversary of the time I last heard from my ex.However, today I noticed some photographs that had come up on my ex's sister-in-law's profile which featured my ex and this woman looking very happy and loved-up. They were dated last April, however I then looked on this woman's profile and they were together before that - it really hurt as I hoped he had been moping around feeling miserable as much as I had. I have a feeling they were together just days after we split up going by what her posts say, but back in September 2009 she was saying that she had been with her other half for 2 1/2 years and she was feeling like the relationship wasn't going anywhere. This other half she refers to may have been my ex (in which case he had been seeing us both at the same time and that she was being kept secret to his family!) - this would make sense in some ways as this was around the time he was acting distant. He also used to lie to his mother about where he was staying after he had been out for a drink saying that he was staying with me because his mother didn't like him staying over with this friend he had who she said was an extremely bad influence (this friend used to take him out drinking. My ex's mother was very anti-alcohol as her father had been an alcoholic). I didn't question him about this at the time because I trusted him, but now I'm wondering if he had been staying with her some nights throughout our entire relationship and this was all just a cover for it. However, we used to walk around his town all loved up so I doubt he would do that if he was seeing this other woman at the same time otherwise she could have seen us. Alternatively, this other half she refers to may have been an ex of hers.I then saw that this woman became friends with the sister-in-law over Christmas 2009, so she was certainly on the scene only days after my ex and I had 'split up'.She also has members of my ex's family as friends on Facebook, but they never requested me as friends. They seem to worship the ground she walks on, far more than any of them did with me. She also mentions weekends that he's taken her away on, and that he's made her breakfast in bed - all things which he never did with me. There was even a picture of him dancing which absolutely horrified me as I had spent months trying to get him to dance with me as it was one of my major hobbies and he always refused and me being the nice girlfriend didn't force the issue as I didn't want he to do something he didn't want to! It's not the fact that he didn't want to do certain things, it's the fact that I've now learnt that he didn't want to do them with me that makes me feel so upset!There was even one photograph that looked like their wedding photograph which it turns out wasn't, although there were many comments from other people saying that they thought that too. She refers to my ex as the love of her life just like I did with him. I just sat there staring at this picture thinking it should be me.It was only this hope that we would get back together that kept me going and now all this hope has gone. I was so shocked by what I saw today that I started shaking and feeling physically sick.I now feel like now I've found all this out that our whole relationship was a sham and that he never really loved me at all.I feel so utterly confused and heartbroken.
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male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (6 February 2011):
 In so many ways I can directly relate.
And from what I can tell you seem to be a very reasonable person that is attempting to not jump to any conclusions.
The last text I ever sent my ex was, "You promised you would never hurt me, and I will believe that."
She never responded to that text.
You know why I sent it? Because without warning I end up finding another vehicle parked outside of her house one evening, and all the lights out.
After not hearing a word from her in a week (and my friend confirming that the same vehicle has been there every day and night since), I see her out holding hands and kissing another guy. They are now apparently a couple. And no one, not her friends, co-workers who had come to know me, or anyone else, even bothered to tell me what was happening or call me since then. It is as if we were never together.
Now, this is not some teenage love thing either. We were supposedly a committed couple of five months, and she is 33 with two kids. Not what I expected at all.
Here are a few things that I have come to realize that may help you along in the healing process.
(And these are all things I decided and wrote down over the last week, which is the first week of February, 2011.)
1) To a person that cheats, be it emotional or sexual, nothing is sacred. Not your heart, your family, his or her reputation, any promises made, the amount of time you have been together, nothing. And it is hard to really grasp what this means because you simply do not view the world the same way. And because they are often extremely skilled at deception, they have probably done their best to convince you they see the world as you do. Yet there is no denying one's actions. No matter what he may have SAID, he is fundamentally not like you.
2) If you truly love someone you will not intentionally hurt them in such a deep way. Period. If he truly loved you he could not have been with someone else at the same time.
3) When it comes to cheaters, the best gift we can give the world is to never give them a second chance. I know there are situations where that can seem almost impossible (especially when kids or marriage are in the picture), but it is absolutely the best way for us to move forward. The more people give in to cheaters or give them the benefit of the doubt, the harder it is for them to learn not to do it again to someone else. Make them suffer the consequences, and demand something better for yourself. I know this may not directly apply to you as you have moved on, but I think it needs to be said.
I strongly encourage you to understand that he never really loved you, and for that reason you don't really have to figure out why, or try to understand how someone can do this to another person. Just be glad you dodged a bullet and didn't actually spend years of your life or even marry this guy. Your heartache could be infinitely worse.
A
female
reader, MaryB +, writes (23 January 2011):
First of all, I would like to say that I'm very sorry for the way things have worked out for you & that I certainly know how you must be feeling. I too have gone through something similar in the past few mths. with a few variations being that I was with my ex for 7 yrs. & engaged to be married when he left me for someone else. Three mths. later he was engaged to her which has totally devestated me to say the least. I still am in contact with my ex family mostly of there doing because they do not approve in any way with what he did to me. They considered me part of the family even though we weren't married yet but, regardless that does not change the fact that he left me for someone else. Be thankful that his family did not respond to you because that would only give you false hope as it did to me.
I know this will probably not help the way you are feeling right now but, you have to realize that his actions were not about you, they were all about him. You did not deserve what he did to you but, you can't undo it. You need to stop checking them out on fb & find a way to move past all this. See him for what he was- a lier, cheater & betrayer. It's very easy after a while to think about only the good things you two shared & overlook all the bad things. He is nothing short of a coward- if he had been a real & decent man he would of been honest with you. Keep in mind that you were not the only one he was decieving- if he was with you while seeing her he was also, lieing to her. You are looking at their pics & romanticizing their life together in your mind- things may not be what they appear. You can pretty much bet that maybe not right away but, sometime down the road he will do the same to her if he isn't doing things already. This man is flawed to say the least & he may be able to hide it from her for a while but, eventually his true self will surface.
In all reality, he did you a favor. You can now move on with your head held high & know that there's someone out there for you that would never dream of doing the things he did to you. Someone who will love & cherish you for the wonderful person you are. Karma will catch up to him for sure as it will with my ex & you need to hold on to that thought! Stop envying her & take pity for her instead because you know what kind of man she really has. You have held on much too long- get him out of your head & move on- live the happy & fullfilling life you deserve. Good luck & take care!
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A
female
reader, learning curve +, writes (23 January 2011):
Go to the library and get the book It's called a break up because it's broken. it saved my life.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (23 January 2011):
I know you are hurting. Did you contact him at all after the split? A part of me wants you to contact him to see how he is doing. But, a part of me also wants you to move on because I am scared you may be even more hurt. I feel so bad for you. But, you have to understand that you two were together for a reason. You guys helped each other i am sure. That does not mean that you had to end up together. Just take it day by day and try to move forward. Stop looking at her FB page that will just make things worse on you.
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