A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My stepdaughter has always been a source of problems, particularly when it comes to her relationship with her mother: whatever stepdaughter wants, stepdaughter gets.Over the near 17 years of my marriage I've been mostly able to afford these extravagances. And despite any protestations I have had against any of the expenditures, my wife has 95% of the time gone against my wishes and fulfilled my stepdaughter's. Over the years, this has included: a horse, vacations with boyfriends, breast augmentation, plus 2 cars, rent, car insurance, accidents, traffic tickets, cell phone, an open credit card, plus clothes, etc.My stepdaughter is now in her early 20's and somehow despite her partying ways through her teens and recently, she's managed to dodge the law... until now. This past weekend she was pulled over with an assortment of charges, including DUI. Naturally when it came to getting her out of jail and getting her car un-impounded I was forced to open my wallet once again. Naturally, the "fun" is just starting in terms of fines, court costs and lawyers. Supposedly, I'll get paid back but she's already in the hole to me at least 8K and counting. Hard to make a come back at $8/hr.My patience has run out and I realize my wife is not going to change and I'll always be forced to pony up for her children (the daughter is most of the problems). While I hate to think of divorce, especially after all the time we've been together, I sometimes feel that is my only alternative. Our sex life is pretty poor but on the surface we get along, mostly because I go along with whatever happens. We just bought a house and I've acquired a bunch of assets over the years, so naturally divorce would be expensive, even ruinous. Even if money wasn't an issue, I would hate to hurt her, because I know she loves me. Secretly, I've been to counseling on my own and even the therapist urged my to really look at leaving. Where do I turn? I feel trapped and like I have no alternatives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2014): When you take on a marriage with children you take on the children also and the responsibility to be a good parent(if the children are young which they were I assume). By paying for things like breast implants instead of explaining to your step daughter how that is a really bad and self demeaning and unhealthy(physically and otherwise) choice, by allowing extravagances like 2 cars with no responsibility and so on you haven't been a good parent. I'm not saying don't pay for anything but you allowed excesses and seriously unhealthy choices. Maybe it was in part to appease your wife and to get along and I'm not sure what your relationship with your step daughter is like if it is a loving one at all. I would talk seriously about the whole issue with your wife and step daughter and let them know how unhappy you are in this role. Yes, divorce may be the answer, but if it is salvageable I think I would do that and start to be a real parent. In the end she will appreciate it hopefully.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2014): enough is enough, take away one car at least. Take away some of her stuff, she needs to be punished for this. Also if your wife disagrees give her an ultimatum, tell her daughter to grow up or divorce.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 March 2014):
 I agree that you need to see a lawyer and find out what the options are.
if you have been married for 17 years you probably are closer to daddy then step daddy in feelings (at least I would hope so) but the money train has to end....
I would seek the advice of a good divorce attorney and then I would take your wife out for a lovely private meal with the paperwork from the attorney and say to her that you need to talk about some options you must present her with.
OPTION ONE: we divorce.. this is what my attorney thinks I can reasonably offer you: present said papers
OPTION TWO; we stay together and I no longer support your daughter in the style she would like to continue with
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (14 March 2014):
 You've already spoken to your wife about your concerns so I suggest that before you give her any ultimatums you speak to an attorney and get your ducks in a row first.
Your wife might be co-operative, but based on past behaviour I wouldn't hold my breath. Inform her of whatever changes you plan to make AFTER you have protected yourself and your assets. Open a separate bank account if you don't already have one and rent a safe deposit box. Gather up any important documents, valuables, photos (scan them and back them up on disc) and some funds. This doesn't mean you withhold what she's legally entitled to, but you don't want to be cleaned out and have to fight her in court for them later. Better to have it but not need it than need it but not have it.
AFTER you have spoken to a lawyer and covered your bases, then speak to your wife. I suggest you use a calm, quietly determined voice, keep it brief and stay on point. Don't delve too deep into the past. The more you say, the more ammunition you give her to try to wear you down.
You may not have to seek a divorce, but being prepared and securing your assets ahead of time would give you some peace of mind and a better bargaining position. Speak to the lawyer ASAP.
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reader, Serpico +, writes (13 March 2014):
You have a financial responsibility to yourself, your wife, and any of YOUR OWN children. That's it. If your wife thinks you need to support another man's child, I think its time to find another wife.
Last, I'll give you a spoiler - you will never see a single dime of the money you spent towards this kid. Not a single dime.
Proceed accordingly.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 March 2014):
 I agree with Uncle C.Grant (as usual) TALK to your wife. Give her a chance to help you FIX this.
Sit down with your wife and tell her, this is your limit. That the TWO of you need to give HER daughter (insert her name) the chance to be an ADULT, which means she needs to START taking care of herself. What your wife is doing is enabling her GROWN daughter to not take care of herself, to NOT want to take care of herself, but it also enables this GROWN woman into thinking she is ENTITLED to whatever she wants. THAT might be so if she was 3, she is not.
If your wife doesn't agree, then you know that there is 2 options left.
SUCK it up or DIVORCE.
So if I were you, I would find a GOOD divorce lawyer and see where you stand financially. I can see you having to give up SOME assets and maybe even SOME maintenance to your wife, but the kids? Nope they aren't yours and you didn't ADOPT them when you guys married. Which means... You will still have to fork over SOME money to your wife, but not pay for her children no more. WHAT she chooses to do with the money, is up to her.
Also do a credit check on yourself, make sure there are no Credit Cards out there in YOUR name you don't know about.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 March 2014):
 You sound to me like a man who wants to be not just the breadwinner but the provider for the whole family. That's fine. However, even that must have a limit. You should not be seen as the bank who will pay the way out of any problem.
For example, you didn't have to pay for her breast augmentation. And refusing to pay for that wouldn't make you a bad guy. That is not an essential part of life.
I think it's time for you to say you've had enough and that you won't get the daughter out of any troubles again. Also, that you can't afford to support her living in the Midwest, and so perhaps she might consider cutting costs or moving back in with you (to cut costs). Close the open credit card; give her an allowance at most. You know, it's amazing how people cut expenses when they really have no choice.
You do have options: you can tell the people to carry their own burden, or you can leave. Both are expensive, in different currencies. But you do have options.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for their responses. I've asked many questions on here before and always have gotten lukewarm answers.
I think many of you hit exactly upon what I've been feeling, particularly C Grant.
DragonMan: The funds are currently join accounts, but since we moved to a new location, I "semi" have my accounts and she has hers. Being that I make more than 10x she does, she will hit my accounts frequently. Also every penny she makes goes to her daughter. Currently, I receive no child support and am putting her son through college on my earnings.
BrownWolf: My stepdaughter lives in the midwest. My wife pays 100% of her rent + gas + some food + bar tabs + phone + car insurance + health insurance. Naturally she can't afford all of that, so I pick up the rest.
SensibleAlice: I am not sure joint counseling will work. Nearly everyone in the immediate family has told her that her daughter is ruining us. She chooses to ignore them because it is "too hard" to cut her daughter off.
To a person, everyone who I've talked to one this knows that I've dealt with this for the past 10 years (at least). I have a high tolerance of putting up with stuff and I know she has taken advantage of this (whether intentionally or not, I am not sure).
Many people are surprised that I have stayed for as long as I have.
That being said, I think you are all right in saying that I need to come clean about what I've been feeling and see where it leads. I am not sure how much longer I'll be able to take the emotional and financial pain that this is causing me.
Thanks to all who have answered and to those who have yet to answer.
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reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (13 March 2014):
 It’s time for your wife to get a job to pay for her own daughter this time! Any wife who shows disrespect towards her husband as you describe only teaches her children to disrespect the authority head of the household… later that authority figure becomes the Law in society.
Evidently her children are her children, but after 17 years I would think they become more like your own children in that you could voice your protests and still manage to have unspoilt (step) children and a more appreciative wife who listens and takes note of her husbands concerns.
Still 95% of the time you say you went unheard and I wonder if that’s your layback nature, to go along with whatever happens? Now you are both reaping the reward - ruin of the lack of discipline that only comes from children being spoilt and not taught to be respectful etc… by Parents or 2 Adults standing together side by side. Those are the consequences of you both.
Now that those consequences are here to date in the form of – fines, court costs and Lawyers… you feel it’s the straw that broke the camels back, your patience has run out; so it’s time to pull out from being Mr. Johnny Walkover or Mr. Supplier of the extravagance of others.
Well, two wrongs don’t make a right… But you’re entitled to move on, get your assets in order etc, file for Divorce, listen to your Counsellor and inform your wife, as much as you would hate to hurt her; it’s her responsibility to rescue her spoilt daughter from going to jail or having blight on her record for years to come.
Of course, if you feel you have not contributed to the ruinous behaviour of your step-daughter, then you can walk away in peace… On the other hand, if you think you have contributed and allowed others to walk over you, then let them walk over you no more and firmly speak of the positive actions that will take place.
Your enabling of this extravagance has stopped and no long want to be financially abused, so your wife either goes to work and or the Step-daughter will take out a loan to pay for her own mistakes. Meanwhile both of you go to Counselling together! This is non-negotiable, this time your wife does not go against your wishes!
Take Care – CAA
(P.S. Bravo BrownWolf)
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reader, DragonMan  +, writes (12 March 2014):
 Greetings,Firstly I would have to ask about the state of the funds are they jointly supplied to and even then are you the main supplier of the household funds.If your wife does her fair share then it is up to her how much she can give her daughter (up to the value she supplies)Secondly, I would insist you put your foot down. When your wife uses you as a cash point to fund her daughter's lifestyle would show a complete lack of respect for you, unless she is unaware of how you feel then I would think you haven't told her.Put your foot down and make it abundantly clear that your wife either steps into line (joins you for counselling) or you walk away (making sure you've set yourself up a few moves ahead in terms of divorce lawyers etc.No man should be abused financially in the name of love and vice versa
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reader, BrownWolf +, writes (12 March 2014):
 Let me tell you something…real father or not. I would not let any child disrespect me in my house. At 20 years old…GET OUT!!! And if your wife wants to leave with her…have a great life. When my Son and daughter were 16 and 15, and started acting like typical teenagers, I told them this…. “I did not spend all my time, money, effort, sleepless nights when you were sick, buying you clothes, food, gifts, so you can turn around and disrespect me. You do not like my rules… I love you both, but I will help you pack. Anytime you thing life is better elsewhere…leave.As for buying them things…only if they humble themselves first. I do not reward disobedience or disrespect. But I show my full love and would give them all I have “IF” they are obedient and respectful… not just to me, but to everyone they meet. They are 19 and 18 now, and are admired and respected where ever they go.These statements come from the Bible. If GOD himself demands obedience and respect form his children, why do human parents allow their children to disobey and disrespect them??? It is foolish to be disrespected in your own home…especially by your own children.“Wise children pay attention when their parents correct them, but arrogant people never admit they are wrong.”“If you don't punish your children, you don't love them. If you do love them, you will correct them.”“It is foolish to ignore what your parents taught you; it is wise to accept their correction.”“Wise children make their fathers happy. Only fools despise their mothers.”
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): Leave now while you can. Another 10 years and you will be too old to start all over again. Leave now whatever the cost. You only live once, So don't waste it in misery.
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (12 March 2014):
 Since your wife thinks you are the bank to cash roll her and her kids, I think getting a divorce will be expensive as I gather its community of property.
If your wife is an honest woman, she would only take what belongs to her that is what she worked to acquire. You could look to start moving your assets into a company or also change the status of your marriage to "out of community of property" but that will require the wife's signature.
You seem to be in doubt about the separation, I suggest you plan your life as if you were separating without letting your wife know that is all steps to protect your financial assets so when you decide to divorce, the splitting of assets will not be part of you making a decision.
Your wife should be grateful that you support her kids and not abuse this privilege, she should understand its not right.
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reader, Sensible Alice +, writes (12 March 2014):
 I can only imagine how hard this is. I so admire people who step in and become the father or mother figure in a new relationship, because it certainly is not easy or without stress. So high five to you for stepping up! Now, let's just take the step-daughter out of the picture for a moment and focus on your wife. She should be first and foremost the disciplinarian to these children and for whatever reason she has made some bad decisions. It has come to this; you're ready to divorce her. You've done the right thing and gone to counselling to cope with all the family issues, now you need to speak to your wife and get professional help for your marriage. If, after all is said and done and tried and nothing is better then you can at least walk away holding your head high and knowing you did everything you could to fix it.
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reader, C. Grant +, writes (12 March 2014):
 First of all, I completely get the 'going along to get along' sentiment. That said, being passive and accommodating becomes the expected behaviour and you find yourself trapped. If you were going to do something about it, the time was 17 years ago. Or 16. But it's far too late now.
Alternatives?
- Consult a skilled divorce attorney and have everything in place to leave in the least expensive way possible; then
- Tell your wife how unhappy you are, that you've been to counselling on your own and that if she cares to save the marriage, she needs to come to counselling with you. Stand up for yourself, and make it clear that your bottom line is that her daughter is on her own; or
- Carry on putting your needs last and accommodating this spoiled brat that's been let loose on the world.
That's all that comes to mind. Personally I would rule out the last one -- the situation you're in sounds corrosive to the soul. At your age you're starting to recognize how finite time is. If your wife really loves you as much as you say, she'll want you to be well and happy. Regardless, you deserve to be well and happy.
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