A
male
age
36-40,
*eke
writes:My wife won't let me have any friends of my own. We've been married for about two years now, and I've always accepted that. I messed up and cheated on her early in our relationship, but she decided to keep me around, and we got married and moved on. Now, as far as my leisure time, she doesn't want me leaving the house without her, nor having any friends of my own. I felt like I deserved that much, and she has a reason not to trust me. But I'm getting very depressed lately. I wish I had someone to talk to.Anyone that becomes a part of our lives (mainly her friends), she tells them all that I cheated on her and that they shouldn't talk to me, etc.Today, I brought it up and she sort of giggled, like it was all fun and games. I just don't know what to do. How long should I put up with this? This isn't something I want to get divorced over, but how can I make friends and have her trust me?Thanks everyone!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 October 2012):
 A good counselor will help her explore why she feels the way she does… doing it as a couple will help you see her train of thought and help her work it through as well… It’s not about doing things to earn her trust… a counselor can say “well sally you don’t trust bob” and sally will say “yes I do” and then the counselor can say “if you do then why don’t you want him to have friends” and then she can say “because I’m jealous and insecure” but she doesn’t know that yet and that’s where the counselor comes in…
We are in counseling… primarily because my husband has a very hard time articulating his feelings… it helps me see things his way and it helps him see how hard I’m trying.. I have ADHD and he does not get it… he has anger issues and he needs to have an outlet… a good counselor can help… if the first counselor doesn’t help there is no crime in finding another one.
Know that this issue is your wife’s but that together you may be able to fix it.
Good luck and keep us posted.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): I think she was probably really hurt over this, but now she's just holding it against you to have a hold on you, because she knows she can. You seem like a nice guy to respect her feelings so much and to know that you obviously hurt her, but if you're generally sorry, you deserve to have a life of your own. I think you need to have a long talk with her. She's just going to end up pushing you away in the end, which could be horrible for the relationship. You should come up with a game plan to make both of you happy... IE, she meets anyone you hang out with, you tell her what you're doing/where you're going, always answer your phone (this way she isn't insecure about you leaving) you make at least one night a week HER night, or date night, and so on... good luck.
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A
male
reader, Reke +, writes (19 October 2012):
Reke is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again, Honeypie. I hope I didn't misphrase what I said. I don't mean to say that I don't care enough to get counseling or that I think it's a waste of time. I'm just seeing if you (and others) think that it is right to do so in my situation. I guess I always assumed there wasn't much more a therapist could say than "Well, you messed up, just give it more time" and "Do things to earn her trust" etc, stuff I have already figured out.
But I guess what could it hurt to try? Worst case scenario is things stay the same and I'll just have to wait longer. Best case is that it'll help to fix any underlying issues that we may not even know about.
Actually, we just talked about it and are going to sign up for it (it's possible she's signing up right now!)
I'll check back in and tell you how it went.
Thanks again, everyone. It's nice to have found this place to vent.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 October 2012):
 Without figuring out HOW to overcome she will not "just" get over it. It takes work, from BOTH of you. Hence why a few of us suggested the couples/marriage counseling. If you think your marriage and SHE is worth the "hassle" I would try it out and see if you two can get some tools to rebuild the trust and make the marriage stronger.
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A
male
reader, Reke +, writes (18 October 2012):
Reke is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much to everyone who posted. A lot of you are pretty spot on. Just to add a little bit to this, apart from that issue, we are pretty inseparable. We would both agree that we are a great fit together and this is really our only issue.
As some of you mentioned, it's probably deeper than just her wanting me all to herself. There are trust issues, maybe power issues, etc.
We have considered marriage counseling, and I wouldn't be opposed to it. I'm just worried about fitting it in and it being a waste of time.
I've always just thought she needed time to get over it, and maybe that's still the case. I just don't want to wait 10, 15 years and realize it's just how she is and it will never change.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 October 2012):
"my wife won't let me"
what does she do to you when you do it?
how can she "not let you"
do you go to work without her? but then she "makes you" come right home.
go out for a drink with some buddies from work after work.
TELL HER you are doing it... call her and say "honey on the way home Bill and Ted and I are going to the bar for an excellent adventure I'll be home by 8"
and then do it.
To be honest, if she blows a fit, then this is on her... she married a man she doesn't trust... her boo-boo...
you were just naive enough to think that marriage would calm her insecurity.
she can't hold it over you forever... and we all need friends outside of our primary relationship.
giggling about it shows that she's a child about this.
counseling MIGHT save the marriage but I'm not holding out a lot of hope, once you grow a backbone and claim your life back and she's no longer whipping you... well then the balance of power changes and she won't be happy.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 October 2012):
 "we got married and moved on."
You may have moved on, she clearly hasn't. You need to invest in some marriage counseling. You wrecked her trust and clearly it hasn't been rebuilt for her. This won't be resolved by you saying, "I'm making going out alone and making friends, tough cookies." She will sit at home biting her nails and worrying and the problem will get worse. She needs to learn to trust you again and marriage counseling will help you do that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): Well, hard to feel sorry for a cheater but it is clear she has not forgiven you at all. Now she is hurting you and probably herself with her attempts to punish you. Reestablishing trust is probably one of the hardest things to do. My standard advice is that if it is clear after cheating that the trust is gone, to end the relationship because it often turns out that the trust never returns and the relationship is forever soured.Has she decided to try to work things out or is she just after revenge, maybe sticking with the relationship to proof it didn't fail rather then for wanting it to work after all?Ask her what she wants in the end, revenge, salvaging her pride OR to make the relationship work.But be prepared for an answer you might not like. Once the hate is over, loathing may have replaced loving.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 October 2012):
Honestly you two should look into some marriage counseling. She can't hold this "you cheated on me" over your head for the rest of your marriage, that is just ridiculous. But I understand if it's still fresh in her mind.
She is however, using it as emotional blackmail ISOLATING you from everyone else in hopes that it will prevent you from cheating EVER again. Which really isn't fair.
You cheated, so made the party foul here, so you need to find out HOW you can help rebuild her trust in you. That is just not going to happen overnight. Be prepared for it to takes years.
I would suggest that you DO focus on the counseling with her for now, show her you re willing to do just about anything to fix this. But I would bring it up to the counselor (the subjects of you not be allowed friends).
She also needs to quit with the passive-aggressive attitude and telling EVERYONE how you cheated on her. After all she is still WITH you. So even if she tries and make YOU look bad, she look just as bad for staying with a cheated.
Honestly, though... It sounds almost like a parent (her) and child (you) relationship. Where she now has all the power and wants to make ALL the decisions.
I personally couldn't be in a relationship where my partner told me what I can't and can do. Who I can see and whom I can't. I just don't see a marriage working well this way. You two NEED to be on the same page when it comes to morals and limits in a marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): What about having guy friends? Why do you seek FEMALE friends? Of course she is nervous of you having FEMALE friends...when you cheated on her you lost her trust. I don't think she will ever be ok with you having FEMALE friends because you cheated.
Try to find some guys to hang out with.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (18 October 2012):
 she is holding your cheating before you was married over your head now, it appears more so now that you are married. you need to set down with her and tell her how you feel" depressed , and i am sure you are feeling hurt by her bringing up that you cheated to her friends". look she is controlling you with this, she is manipulating you and making you look small in front of her friends. she has never forgiven you for the cheating, or she is just pure controlling you. you need to set down with her and tell her one last final time you are sorry for cheating in the past , and you love her, and the putting down is going to stop here today. no more bringing it up to her friends, the fun is over at your expense. just set aside reasonable time to go out and spend with a friend say once a week you need to set down and talk this out with her, let her know how you feel, and toward her. she is being unreasonable toward you. a relationship to exist, and survive depends on trust,love, and communication.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): Tell her your going to join a gym, and that you will be making friends.. Period... That yes your sorry you cheated in the past, but its int he past for a reason it's now time to move on, you realise how much you have to lose if you cheat again and therefore you shall not.. However she needs to trust you on this as if there no trust then I'm sorry there really not much of a marriage?She cannot berate you to her friends and you have to tell her this, as it undermines your relationship, what happen was between you and your wife, you did not marry her friends.You really need to be form otherwise she going to continue the way she has and your life will be a misery ,, forever..Be firm take a stand say enough is enough you are not a lap dog if she wants one, you'll buy her one.You did do wrong but if you both don't work this through you'll end up resenting her..Take care
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