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My progressive hair loss is making me insecure about dating

Tagged as: Dating, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 September 2018) 12 Answers - (Newest, 18 September 2018)
A male Australia age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi all, I'm having a real tough time with my confidence on dates. This has been due to my now significant hair loss. I'm in my late 20's and recently went out with a girl who i'd not seen for almost a year (i'd had to move away for work, but we kept in touch by text). the first couple of dates the year before went really well, but at the end she basically gave me a reason why shouldn't keep seeing me. i was gutted. My insecurity led me straight to the conclusion that it was due to my bad hair 'style'. I know there are a plethora of reasons it could've been, but i actually felt on really good form during the evening, and although i still had hair loss a year ago, it has progressed this last year and is more obvious! I have dark fine hair so thinning/balding hair is quite obvious. My questions are: how likely do you think that the thinning hair caused the rejection?? And what words of wisdom can you share moving forward with dating? Thanks

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A female reader, deirdre Ireland +, writes (18 September 2018):

I am a woman who has had alopecia, the female pattern baldness type since I was 13 so I can relate. You can use minoxidil treatment, google it. It is topically applied to the affected areas twice a day and the generic brands are as good as Rogaine. I also use nourkrin tablets but I often forget to take them. Failing this shave your hair off, it looks quite attractive on many men. But look into these options first, I'm sure your hair loss doesn't put women off but I know it can affect your confidence. Good luck

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (17 September 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI highly doubt she ended things because off your hair style. Those are your insecurities and probably something many people wouldn't even notice. Holding on to a relationship can be difficult when you have no self esteem or confidence. That is something you need to work on, because nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone who is insecure. If your hairline is making you this miserable you know you could always opt for a hair transplant or even go bald. I do understand where you are coming from, hair is important to some people. I think us women sometimes forget men get insecure about hair loss in themselves as much as we do. But you need to over come this so you can be happy with yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2018):

Hell,man, forget balding hair and shave the lot off.

This is super cool and will attract the girls better than an apologetic hair style.

Didnt you know its sexier?

Also men who loose hair faster tend to have an excess of testosterone and they are known to be better in certain departments.So be brave and step forwards.

Bald is better!

Then put a smile on your face and get down and get dirty with the woman you love. (After youve met her and charmed her of course!)

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A female reader, mystiquek Japan + , writes (15 September 2018):

mystiquek agony auntI agree that your insecurity may be causing you more problems than your hair or lack of it. have GOT to love yourself and accept yourself for who you are. When you are happy with yourself it will show. A little secret: for most women how much hair a man has isn't going to affect how she feels about him! Many ladies happen to find bald men very attractive! If you are reflecting that "I don't look good, you probably don't find me attractive" it can actually turn a woman off. Please don't assume someone didn't want to date you because of your hair! My father was only 5'3" and had been bald since he was 19 (sucks right?) and yet he was the life of the party and everyone loved him. He was smart, funny and adoring to his wife and daughters. People would always tell me how adorable he was. He had a killer personality and you just couldn't help but laugh with him and love him. He certainly didn't have Brad Pitt looks but that personality of his won hands down. He learned early in life not to depend on looks. You shouldn't either!

Looks fade with time, or sometimes people have accidents or illnesses and their looks aren't what they used to be but a great personality, kindness thoughtfulness, CONFIDENCE...they will last a life time.

Don't be hard on yourself! Change your hair cut if it makes you feel better, wear a snazzy hat ( my dad had a collection of awesome hats), draw people away from your hair if it bother you but BE WHO YOU ARE and don't assume you are losing ladies because of the hairline! I agree yes you could get hair transplants and it might may you feel better but they are very expensive and MOST women wouldn't care if you had them or you don't. The average lady just wants a man who is caring, thoughtful and knows how to treat a lady.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (15 September 2018):

YouWish agony auntSeriously, I ADORE men who are bald/less hair. Heh, I married a guy with enough hair for three people, but seeing a guy with a bald head (or a slight "horseshoe" of hair) with present and well-groomed facial hair like a mustache and a beard or a goatee, and OMG I just want to unwrap that male caramel and go to town!

(Did I say that out loud?!)

Why guys freak out about that is beyond me, because it's my type! Many women have a "type" you'd fill perfectly, so whatever you do, whether it's surgery or toupees or whatever, you be yourself! You will be more miserable if you try to be someone you're not. Concentrate on your health and mental well-being, and good hygiene! Think about the advantages life gave you rather than what you don't have compared to other guys.

You *are* some woman's type! Don't sell yourself short!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 September 2018):

Post Script:

There is a difference between a barber, and a barber-stylist.

A barber simply gives you a haircut, or a shave. Some are pretty talented; but it's best to go to a young barber versus a old-fashioned traditional barber who doesn't keep-up with men's hair and beard trends.

A barber-stylist can suggest a new look. He or she can give you an updated-style that will work with your hair as it thins; until it reaches that point that it stops. They will also have the skill to give you a beard that has shape, class, and style. Easy-maintenance. Go online and look at beards with thinning hair or baldness. You could look like an actor or model with the right cut and shave.

God bless you, my friend!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 September 2018):

Hair-loss is more disconcerting to men than women really realize, or understand. It can be pretty rough on your self-esteem; when you're still in your 20's! Actually, at any age! You also have to remember, it bothers YOU more than anyone else. That's a matter of vanity vs self-confidence. Where our vanity or ego is concerned; we can lose our grip on reality, and start imagining all sorts of things.

I know people would suggest just shaving your head clean. That's quite abrupt, and quite a drastic measure. You wouldn't have written a post; if it was all that simple. We're talking about how if affects you emotionally; and I get it.

You've developed a complex about your hair-loss; and your fear that it would make a substantial impact on your physical-appeal to women. Unfortunately, it just coincided with the time your girlfriend decided she wanted to breakup.

That was a kick in the groin, to add to the misery!

Trust me, when people reject you; you come up with all sorts of reasons, true and untrue. It was always in your own mind that losing your hair takes away from your looks. It was an insecurity that got a little prickly after being dumped. I got blindsided! Dumped without an argument or disagreement. Just told I "deserve someone better." Imagine the crap that went through my mind to justify a blow like that? I was just fine being single before that.

You simply have to come to terms and embrace it; because sometimes you can't fight nature, or destiny. There are all sorts of remedies for hair-restoration; but they are either expensive, or take a lot of time to show results.

The best thing to do for now, is find yourself a good barber-stylist with the skill to trim and style thinning-hair to compliment the shape of your head, angle of your jaw, and facial structure. Eventually, you may decide to seek some sort of hair replacement; but do whatever you can until you choose a method. It may cost a little extra; but after a breakup, you deserve to pamper yourself.

Consider buzzing your hair to a closely-cropped effect; adding a neatly-cropped beard. Not a mountain man or Norseman-look. Something neat. It maintains your manliness, detracts from the receding hairline, or abrupt hair-loss; and it looks like you've dealt with it stylishly. Rather than letting it overtake your look; and appear as if you're struggling with it. It will rebuild your confidence that was snatched-away; when you were already feeling a bit unsure about your sex-appeal. Stay healthy and fit. Go to the gym! Nothing keeps you healthy and confident, like maintaining your body and fitness.

Adapt to nature until you can make reasonable enhancements. What we can't grow on our scalps, we can always offset with facial-hair. Just don't go with weird looks like comb-overs (a certain president comes to mind); or growing it long and scraggly. You should also start looking at some stylish caps, beanies, and hats. Head-covers are always fun. Let a toupee or wig be your last resort.

Allow yourself to purge your emotions strictly about your breakup. Put your hair-loss aside, that can be remedied in a visit to the barber. Experiment with a beard. If you grow an abundance of lush facial-hair. TA-DAH!!! A new route to reclaiming your youthful handsomeness, swagger, and male sex-appeal! You'll be suave, virile, and quite dapper with your manly face! You'll look different in appearance; and get compliments from the ladies. Just keep it well-groomed and properly-edged. A neat beard emphasizes your youthful masculinity! A scraggly mess just looks lazy and unkempt!

Don't let her get you down. You know this happens. We get through it; and grow stronger for it.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (14 September 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntHonestly? It's far more likely to be down to your insecurity about your hair loss than to the actual hair loss itself.

These days very short haircuts are all the fashion for men so, instead of trying to disguise your hair loss (which can often just make it look more obvious), get a very short hair cut and people will just assume you like having very short hair.

Personally I think there is nothing more attractive than a confident man with very short hair (whether he is bald or not) and a touch of "designer stubble".

Find a look you are happy with and stick with it. If you are happy, you will grow in confidence. Confidence can be very attractive.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 September 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI absolutely agree with Cindy.

While many younger people ARE more superficial when it comes to their own and potential partner's looks, I think for most women that I know... hair or lack thereof has never been a major deal.

You CAN consider seeing your doctor, I do believe low T can be ONE of the "culprits" behind hair loss, another is genetics and lifestyle choices.


"Certain other lifestyle choices are also thought to play a part in the development of hair loss in young men, such as issues with their diet, and smoking. The chemicals and carcinogens found in tobacco are believed to slow down hair growth which leads to thinning hair and can result in significant hair loss if not addressed. Recreational drug use also has the potential to cause hair loss because they can be a shock to the system. Drug use is often accompanied by nutrient depletion and deteriorated health, which means temporary or permanent hair loss is a very probable side effect."

So if you smoke, do drugs or do NOT eat right, that CAN affect your hairline.

Dating is an elimination process, pure and simple. We ALL when we date, go out with someone we HOPE or THINK might be a good fit. Some keep seeing the other person even AFTER they determine he/she isn't a good fit.. others don't.

I don't think it was your hair she "rejected" but the overall chemistry between you.

It's ONE girl, OP.

Don't give up that easily.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2018):

I would suggest cutting your hair very short or shave it off. That way nobody will even notice. I think shaved heads on men look nice.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2018):

If we like someone, we like them. Thin hair, thick hair, fat, short, tall, thin, if we are captivated by someone these things just don't matter.

I had just started going out with a man and had to tell him I had herpes, when I had been dating him long enough and felt I could trust him with that information. I liked him SO much and I went through hell for the next few weeks, thinking that he was trying to cut contact and leave me gradually. It turned out that he had just moved house, which I knew, but was finding everything overwhelming and was becoming a bit depressed, which I didn't.

It was only short term and everything turned out fine, but because I had told him about the STD, and half expected rejection, I thought that everything was about that.

It wasn't at all and he was fine with it. He liked me enough to get past it, which had been my experience in the other two relationships I had had.

Then, very shortly afterwards, I became ill and that made me lose a lot of weight in a short time. I lost about two stone in about three months. I didn't realise at the time how ghastly I looked because I was already slim. People expressed concern about me and kept telling me that I should put on weight. My boyfriend was very supportive throughout and never made me feel bad and never lost his attraction to me.

I had thought that after telling him I had herpes and then being ill, which affected my appearance a lot (some have said since that I looked 'scary'), he would go, but he didn't.

Do you REALLY think, that if this lady liked/ loved you, she would give a hoot in hell about a bit of hair loss? Which as women we know to expect in men anyway?

Some women find this look attractive. I have done. When you find a partner who sees you for you and can't get enough of you she ain't gonna care what's on the top of your head. Believe me. Please. And stop worrying about it. And yes, I was with a man who was balding for five years. DOES NOT MATTER.

What I learned by the way, is that people always have something about themselves that they don't like and are insecure about. Even someone who you find incredibly attractive is probably punching her cellulite, or looking at her spots, or stretch marks or knock knees (me), or big nose etc etc. Something you don't notice and couldn't care less about as long as you are next to her.

And this is what you're wasting your time and emotions over....something that other people don't notice and don't care about.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (14 September 2018):

CindyCares agony aunt Very unlikely. Honestly. I am not telling it to make you feel better , I am one of the " mean " Aunts:).

Hair is one of those things that worry men more than women, they think that women care about men's hair way more than they actually do. It's a bit like stretch marks- reversed ; like, women are constantly fretting about their stretch marks, and how they will affect their " rating " in the eyes of men… and in my whole long life ( and sinful past, lol ! ) I 've never, literally never , heard a man complaining about or criticizing or ever remarking on some partner's stretch marks.

Of course, beauty is beauty and everybody, I guess, men and women , like to look at beauful sights; so , I don't deny that if you were normally attractive but with a splendid, luscious mane, you'd get more looks from girls and maybe a little more " game "- but just a tiny little bit. Receding hairlines are generally not a deal breaker , in terms of physical attraction. Of course if you have met the random girl who simply can't do without flowing locks on her man, you have had a touch of bad luck; and this happens too. But you asked how probable is that her rejection was due ( solely and specifically ) to your thinning hair, and, FWIW, I say : very improbable.

Note please that I am , on purpose, keeping it at a superficial level of chemistry and knee-jerk attraction. I am not even going to say that, hopefully, a girl in your age range should know better than accepting and rejecting just based on hair thickness, and that if you have good stuff to bring to the table in terms of intelligence, personality, values etc. and she won't give you a chance because of this one little imperfection, then she is a shallow and immature individual etc. etc. That , on one hand, is true; OTH -looks do matter to most people, tbh, and we do not have that much control over what we find sexually off-putting, or enticing . I simply doubt that this girl, or other girls may have found you, or may find you , a " not even to save my life " just because of thinning hair !

If your hair make you so miserable , though, why don't you just cut it really really short, or even better shave totally ? It's already a while that the "bald " look has been accepted as cool, manly, even sexy.

Or, if you are REALLY miserable, there's always hair transplant, I suppose. Not that I would advise it, not at all; in fact I think it's a big waste of money over something not so relevant ( unless you are a calendar model or a Chippendale stripper ). But , hey, at least you have a " flaw " that's relatively sumple and easy to fix if you ever decided so.

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