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I feel I am not loved even though he says he does love me

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 September 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 18 September 2018)
A female Canada age 26-29, *atbug writes:

I've been with the same person for almost 6 years. he has never been super loving or supportive. but the last 2 years it seems like he is ignoring me more. we have had sex the entire relationship maybe 20 times. so sex less than 1 time a month. he doesn't talk to me, he doesn't plan things with me. it isn't just me he ignores, everyone all the time. i think he just doesn't like wasting time with dialog. i have asked him to speak with me more, or have sex, or just kiss me, or text me, but he doesn't. but when we get in fights he is genuinely sorry for not doing these things. (im the first person he has slept with)

but he says he loves me, doesn't want to see other people. for the last 2 years ive started to think maybe he is psychodynamic. he is very smart 2 degrees, top engineer at an isp and only 26 y/o. but it doesn't excuse how he treats people, i don't buy into that "so smart he doesn't care about emotions" because i've seen him cry. i just want to be cuddled and kiss, but how can he become like that? or is this kind of person just always going to be concerned with their own happiest and no one else?

I don't want to end the relationship, he isnt abusive, he doesn't hit me, or tell me how to dress, or who to hang out with. I just want to be touched and have conversation.

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A female reader, Katbug Canada +, writes (18 September 2018):

Katbug is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Katbug agony auntThank you all for answering. I think I should consider moving on.

Some background on to why its been so long and why I've stayed;

I just got out of foster care and was working going through college, we met because we both were computer science chair members.

The reason I probably stayed is because he is never changing in a life that was always changing.

I don't want to move on because he has always been a static person in my life. But I think this confirms what I might have known deep down that this isn't something that can change for us. It hurt to admit, but yeah, I should move on. :(

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (17 September 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntWell just because he is not abusive doesn't mean you should settle for being with him. You sound really unhappy and it amazes me that you have stayed with him for six years. Do you not feel that you deserve more? Surely you want to be with someone who gives you the attention and affection that you need?

Honestly I don't think he is going to change, this is who he is. He sounds like he is an intelligent guy but he is also very socially awkward. Do you feel that he could have aspergers? As you have described him perfectly for someone who is on this spectrum. If that is the case then its not that he is being rude or ignorant it is simply that he cannot socialize the same as you. He has very basic communication skills which leads me to believe there is more to this than him just not caring.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 September 2018):

I'm having difficulty understanding how you've been with someone for six years, who is almost indifferent to you?

I know it raises the question of autism or Asperger's; but it could be the guy is just very intellectual, and socially awkward.

I knew a few people like him back in college. Often, they felt like they were around people who weren't their intellectual-equals. They literally felt superior to most people around them. Perhaps that's a little narcissistic; but mainly they were simply smarter than average! They are happier around people discussing books, fellowships, and research. Their social-awkwardness was often attributed to the fact they felt like fish out of water; until they were around their fellow-nerds and brainiacs. You always want someone like that in your study-group!

They seldom dated, but preferred keeping to themselves. You'd find them at the lecture hall, if there was some notable speakers there. Otherwise, they congregated at the library; or had their own closed-cliques. Imagine a room-full of people exactly like your boyfriend! They're only animated when around the like-minded! Discussing hi-tech and well-known scientific studies. Wrapped-up in mathematical formulas and the latest theories.

I'm trying to understand what you've attached such strong feelings to; if they're not being reciprocated?

He cares, but he's not romantic or very emotional. You don't have to be autistic or have Asperger's to be that way! It's simply a personality-type. I'm sure he would have been diagnosed by the time he reached his teens. Parents notice things like this in their children; and want to make sure they have the best quality of life. He's not stupid, I think he would have shared if he was diagnosed. Why hide it?

In the past 30 years, people are much more aware of children displaying difficulty socializing with others or connecting with people. They are more likely to be evaluated nowadays.

Years ago, people ignored it; or wouldn't speak of it.

There are extreme introverts who just seem dull and unfriendly; but that's just who they are. No one here has met him; so relying solely on your description, he seems like a bad match. Not so much that there's anything wrong with him. I've known too many nerds like him. We like to pin labels on those who are different. He's different, and not your type. You want an affectionate romantic-guy into sex.

I don't know why you're so head over-heels? How on earth have you kept it up without much feedback?

Are you simply impressed, because he's intelligent? Brainy-nerds need love too; but their social-awkwardness makes then less extroverted, or uncomfortable in romantic-situations.

Their minds work differently, they are unconventional; it doesn't mean they suffer mental-disorders! They don't get out much; because they spend more of their time studying, than socializing.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (15 September 2018):

N91 agony auntSounds like he could be socially awkward or a major introvert?

Can you see your life going on like this forever? Or do you want to feel valued? He might say he doesn’t want to see other people, but do you not? You’re clearly not fulfilled or else you wouldn’t be here. If he has been this way for 6 years there’s really not much chance of him changing, by going along with his behaviour you’re enabling it and he is more than likely cemented in his ways now. You’ve either got to suck it up or find someone you’re more compatible with.

You want a caring guy with a higher sex drive, this man doesn’t have those attributes. Are you going to hope one day he magically changes or find someone who’s happy to make a fuss over you?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (14 September 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntThere should be more to a relationship than the things it is NOT (not abusive, not controlling, etc). In any case, he is not abusive or controlling or any of the other things you list because he does not care about you. (Not saying he SHOULD be any of those things but don't put them forward as positives in your relationship when they are really just more negatives.)

You should never have to beg for conversation or affection. That is not a healthy or happy relationship.

It is possible he is high on the autism/Asperger scale, hence his lack of empathy and his lack of interest in intercourse with other people (physical or verbal). That, however, does not fix YOUR problem and that is that you NEED and WANT affection and conversation. Not an unreasonable request.

Is this how you want to spend your life? You are already unhappy. How much unhappier do you have to become before you decide to do something about it - like leaving and finding someone who treats you with the respect and affection you need and deserve? What are you getting out of this relationship (except not being abused, not being controlled, etc)?

Sweetheart, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it on someone who constantly shows you he does not care enough for you to try to make you happy. It will not change. You are only lining yourself up for more of the same if you stay.

Wish him well and move on to find someone who can and will make you happy. You know you deserve that.

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