New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login237773 questions, 1047149 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

My LDR is not motivated to meet in real life.

Tagged as: Dating, Health, Long distance, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 February 2017) 14 Answers - (Newest, 16 February 2017)
A female Canada age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I've been dating my LDR boyfriend for over 2 years and we haven' met yet. He never wants to pinpoint a meeting date and acts unconfortable when I try to. He says he wants to improve himself first so when we meet he makes the best impression on me. I've assured him at this point and all we've been through my feelings wouldn't change regarding anything superficial and I like him just fine, I love him actually. But he insists it is a pride thing.

My biggest fear is being taken for a ride. Waking up years from now with no progression and realize I was played

. Does his reasoning sound plausible or like an excuse to continue stringing me along?

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (16 February 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHe is never going to meet up with you. How are you so sure he is always honest? I could bet this man is probably not who you think he is at all. Have you go him on social media and see his interactions with his friends ect? Could he be married?

Honestly get out and meet people. You do not love this guy, you have never even met him. You just love the idea off being with him that is all.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (14 February 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntIt's unanimous that whether he's stringing you along deliberately or not, people in your age bracket would not wait two years to meet up and still not have any solid plans to do it in the next couple of months.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 February 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI have to say I agree with Cindy.

2 years is PLENTY of time to get fit IF that was the only reason to not having met up. And it would ALSO be plenty of time to SAVE up money for traveling.

The thing with an LDR, they don't work if you both don't have a PLAN to make it an NON-Long Distance relationship. To BE together in the SAME geographical location, otherwise what you REALLY have is a glorified pen-pal and fantasy relationship. It's not real in the sense that YOU don't know if you have chemistry IN person. If you get along IN person. You can HIDE a lot more from a partner or potential partner online than you can in person. Such as bad habits, a GF/BF, illness, unemployment, drug use etc.

I met my husband on a vacation. Didn't intend on having an LDR or anything really with him even though we DID have great chemistry, shared the same sense of humor, liked a lot of the same things. We just basically hung out. Nothing romantic. He did suggest he come visit me in my country and that I should come back. We e-mailed back and forth a good while and then he came to visit. Then I visited him - back and forth for a good year and a half at which point we SAT DOWN and made plans for making things more permanent. And then we followed through. That was a LONG time ago.

My point with that story is that we DID spend time together IN person to REALLY get to know each other (and I don't mean sex) And while a month here and there is not ALWAYS a good basis for getting to know someone - NEVER meeting in person is not a good basis at all.

What IF he is like this with EVERYTHING in his life? Procrastinating? Not doing things because he wants everything to be "perfect" and then it ends up just being an excuse for not getting anything done. Like, not getting a job because he can't get the "dream job" he WANTS or feels he SHOULD have, thus not being able to be independent. Not wanting to live together until he has reached ABC goals - but NOT work on those goals. You see what I am getting at here?

I would DEFINITELY feel strung along if in 2 years he hasn't been "dying" to MEET you in person.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2017):

I doubt he is all that into this relationship like you are. He likes playing games and has shown you who he really is by his actions alone. You don't need further explanation (lies) from him in order to move on. I am sorry to say but even if you get to meet chances are the relationship might get awkward because fantasy (internet) and reality are not the same thing. You will start to realise some traits of him that can't be seen online. If I were you I would block this person and never allow myself again to get too emotionally attached with someone I never met. Let alone so many red flags with internet dating. Nobody wants to post their dirt online so most people put their best self and leave the unknown to reality. If a guy/girl is able to mention "I love you" with hopes of starting a serious relationship with you before you can meet? That is a red flag number one that leads to trust issues and people manipulating others emotions. Goodluck

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (14 February 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt He IS stringing you along, whether for a legitimate ( in his mind ) reason, or a fake one, I don't know, but there is something amiss here anyway.

You have seen him on videochats ; you do not have a problem with how he looks, and he is aware of that, I imagine- if nothing else for the fact that you are willing to carry on the relationship, and in fact eager to meet him, after having seen him several times.

So,if, nonetheless, he does not want to meet up, this says about him not only that he is maniacally insecure, but that he does not trust you nor the depth and maturity of your feelings, and that he is insincere and manipulative.

Plus, if he really is unhappy with his weight,.. two years are plenty of time to shed at least some of it . If his imperfect shape is the only thing which prevents him from meeting you, the fact that he prefers to keep postponing rather than actually DOING something to change his shape- this too says a lot about him, and not in a positive way.

But, personally I feel that weight or pride are not the inly things which prevent him from meeting you. I think it's more probable that's something else- like a girlfriend. Or, having told you some big fat lie ...having grossly misrepresented himself to you - it feels much easier to keep up with lies and pretenses from afar.

Generally I am not much a rype for ultimmatums, but in your case I think that you need to set your foot down. Two years without ever seeing each other is not even a relationship, it's a just fantasy, or having a penpal at best.

If ( assuming that he's got nothing to hide ) he does not understand or does not care that , after two years, you have the need and the right for something more that words on a PC screen, and , screw his pride !,- then he is not the person you should be " dating " and investing your time and energies in.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2017):

2 years is too long to go without meeting for a real relationship. I suggest cutting your losses. He either is hiding something big, like a wife, from you, or his self-esteem is too low to be in a relationship anyway. People in either of those situations will suck the life out of you and it's not worth it.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (14 February 2017):

He's probably self conscious about something physical and to much of a procrastinator or to lazy to do anything about it. I doubt he's trying to play you.

I also think this will never change unless you help him identify the things he wants to fix, make a plan, and hold him to it.

If he fails, it's time to find someone else.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (14 February 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntThanks for the update OP, he might not be stringing you along, maybe he doesn't realise how long its been.

I still think you need to ask him for a timeline, and if he cant give you a definite date its not worth hanging around waiting for him.

Good luck whichever decision you make.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2017):

Yes, OP, he is stringing you along.

He likes the excitement of an online fling. Spices up his boring, old life. Whatever it is. And likely he is already in a committed relationship.

You are wasting precious time being USED by a stranger. Because that is what he is. A STRANGER.

Please regain your dignity and self respect and block him from your life immediately. This is NO relationship and you deserve much more and much better.

In the future, for your own sake, refrain from such "relationships." There is no substitute for a REAL LIFE guy in a REAL LIFE relationship. An online fake is just sucking the life out of you and taking advantage of your heart. If you let him.

Judge a man by his actions. All you need to know is he is uncomfortable about the idea of meeting you and is very resistant to it. BIG, RED FLAG. Ask yourself WHY? Because he doesn't care. You are a game to him. He is already committed. He is a waste of time. There are plenty of reasons to leave him. And not a single one to stay with him.

Cut ties.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2017):

Anon here. Haven't done any background checks, am starting to think I should. Never have felt the need cause he's always been very blunt and pretty honest.

I think he wants to get i to shape. But we have video chatted and he is fine. Just not up to his standards I guess

So it's unanimous that he's stringing me along?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (14 February 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntWhat sort of improvements is he wanting to make? Is he so morbidly obese they will need to cut him out of his room? Is he unemployed? Is he saving up for much needed dental work? Or a toupee?

Ask him what improvements he is wanting to make and how much longer he expects said improvements to take. If he can't or wont answer with specific measurable timelines then you will know he is just yanking your chain and that's when you block his number, delete him on social media and count the past two years as a very hard lesson learnt.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 February 2017):

Honeypie agony aunt2 years and never met? I'm thinking catfish.

And I agree with FA, have you done ANY kind of background check on him? If not, do it. It's worth the $20-30 and the time it takes to look him up on as many social websites as you can. Not sure if Spokeo.com works in Canada - I'd try it.

Have you two done Facetime and/or Skype/video chat? Have you seen him in a LIVE feed (versus pictures)?

I think YOU are wasting your time, if you haven't met up in person after 2 years... he is going to DRAG this out for as long as YOU allow it. All the while he might have a local GF/fiance or wife even.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (14 February 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntThe only good reason to wait 2 years is if you're teenagers, not in your late 20s.

Let him go; he's had two years to "improve" himself enough to meet you and isn't desperate enough to just get over his pride.

I'm all for LDRs, but this isn't love.

Have you video chatted and done some kind of background check? How far apart are you?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (13 February 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntSituation sounds a lot like an excuse to me. How well have you vetted this guy? have you done any background check? I'm very suspicious.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "My LDR is not motivated to meet in real life."

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.31252449999738!