A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi.. im so stress out lately because of what happened to my fiance. We planned to marry soon and he tried to gain easy money from gambling. He lost all his money and worse, he used some of his parent money too. I dont even know while he did this last month.Im extremely shocked and dissapointed that he did this. He's recently jobless and trying to set up new business. However with this problem he created, it will threaten our relationship and his parent wouldnt trust him anymore. Maybe his parent would delay our wedding or cancel it because of their dissapointment. I think i have a small share in his decision. He tried to have stable financial situation before marriage but he make a bad bad decision and action. I get so depressed and regret i dont know why.He now try to gain money and payback to his parent before they notice this. He's not yet tell anybody but me. He planned to borrow money from his best friend but unsure would be accepted. Its a lot of money. He's now in deep depression and regret what he's done. I also feel so depressed as this will affect our relationship.What should i do? I want to help him but i dont have that sum of money. If he borrowed money from his friend i could afford to help him payback a little. Should i help him to confess to his parent as they love me so much? Is it going to help anything if i told them before they know it themselves? I really dont know what should we do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2016): "If then, how should i tell my parent about his bad habit and start my new life in 27?"Something like "Mom and Dad, I've just discovered that my so-called fiance is not only a deadbeat but also a liar, a coward, and a compulsive gambler willing to steal from his parents to feed his habit so if I go through with the wedding he will bring much shame and dishonor to our family while bleeding you dry, turning you into laughingstocks who will be scorned and mocked at every turn" ought to do it. "I dont want to hurt anybody."So you'll only end up hurting yourself.That you keep coming up with excuses why you can't walk away from this loser does not bode well for your future.You're looking for a magical solution that will instantly resolve this situation but unfortunately this is real life."Is there anything i or he can do to start again and look forward for better future?"There's something YOU can do, but you're obviously not going to do it."He seems to change a lot from this."That's what he wants you to believe, and that's what he'll keep telling you every time he gambles away somebody else's money and wants you to cover up for him so he can keep on doing it.I know there are cultural considerations beyond my understanding involved, but at some point in your life you're going to have to stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself; otherwise you're setting yourself up for 50-60 years of sheer unmitigated hell.If you want to spend the rest of your life languishing in misery and despair because you don't want to hurt anybody then that's your prerogative. Good luck. You'll need it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2016): If then, how should i tell my parent about his bad habit and start my new life in 27? I dont have social life for several years and my life revolve around him and my family. I dont know how to start and im afraid of my future being alone forever. I also dont want to dissapoint my family and make them worry. I dont want to hurt anybody.
Is there anything i or he can do to start again and look forward for better future? He seems to change a lot from this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2016): "He said if his parent ever know about his loss and their money, he will lose their trust and if we marry he wont get any trust and i will be disrespected as his wife."He's worried that if he tells his parents the truth then he won't be able to get his hands on any more of their money, so it sounds like he's trying emotionally blackmail you into keeping silent and continuing to enable him. The best way to make sure you won't be disrespected as his wife is to NOT marry him; that way you won't be his wife so it will be impossible to be disrespected. "He doesnt want me to have miserable life with him."And he doesn't want you to have a happy life without him."I cant find another serious relationship in this age"That sounds like something he's telling you so you'll stay with him. It's not true, but even if it was then you'd be better off alone than stuck with an irresponsible, cowardly, lying, thieving, manipulative and controlling compulsive gambler. "its too complicated for both of our family to delay or cancel our wedding."And it's going to be a lot more complicated to extricate yourself from a bad marriage to a deadbeat loser who owes thousands of dollars. If you marry him then what's yours is his and what's his is yours, including his debts.You seem like a nice, well-meaning, and naive young woman who has fallen under the spell of a charming, manipulative con artist and is desperately searching for excuses to rationalize ignoring the very sound advice you've received. "What should i do?"You SHOULD dump him and walk away while you still can. Sadly, I don't think that's what you WILL do. I don't know the social or cultural pressures that are compelling you to go through with this marriage but if you ignore the huge red flags then you'll be making the worst mistake of your life by marrying him (second worst if for some reason you have kids with him). Believe me, he cares only for himself and will not hesitate to rob you blind or otherwise throw you under the bus to further his own aims. If he disrespects and dishonors his parents then why do you think he'd treat you with any less contempt?I can only hope you will come to your senses before it's too late.
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A
female
reader, cindymie  +, writes (2 March 2016):
Honestly i fully understand all the opinion and advices for me here. Im really thankful to all of you guys.. I know if nobody borrow him money it will push him to take some responsiblity of his action in the future. Thats the best thing he could learn. Otherwise he told me that if not because of me and our relationship, he will left his house from long ago. He feels lonely and being always pushed by his parent which is i think for good intent but done wrongly. He took a degree abroad because he want to be free from his family years ago before meeting me. We are from the same hometown and now he said he stay at his house only for our relationship. He said if his parent ever know about his loss and their money, he will lose their trust and if we marry he wont get any trust and i will be disrespected as his wife. He doesnt want me to have miserable life with him. I know he is really depressed right now. What should i do? I know its the best for him to confess before they know it by themselves which i recommend to him and i will help him to let them know about this. But in the other side im afraid he is true about my life will be miserable and disrespected because his mistake. I cant find another serious relationship in this age and its too complicated for both of our family to delay or cancel our wedding.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (2 March 2016):
 The Very Best thing that could happen to your fiancé will be if NO ONE at all will lend him any money.
Remind him that his friends are NOT a bank. Banks only lend to people who are a good risk. Your guy is a very poor candidate for a loan and a Bank would refuse to loan him the money. That is the sensible response. He cannot handle money, without wasting it on gambling.
His friends have less resources than a Bank and so why should any of his friends naïvely offer to assume the same (or much bigger) risk? His friends should refuse to lend him any money
Expect the tears, the tantrums, the desperation and the threats if he cannot get any money. But it will bring him closer to facing up to reality and his own problems like a problem gambler should, eventually. Expect him to be depressed - tell him to go to the doctor and admit he has a gambling problem which will no doubt cause him to be depressed if he is denied opportunities to gamble.
Believe me the only thing he regrets is when he loses at gambling.
Remind yourself that gambling is an addiction.
1. You stop finding excuses to excuse his problem
2. You stop believing his lies
3. you stop enabling him by offering to help in any way.
4. Stop believing his lies. Due to how much he owes he is not someone who has just started gambling. He has been gambling for some time and he is running out of places to find more money to use for his gambling.
The remark he is alleged to have made, namely "he said he just starting to gamble about a month ago and not a frequent gambler." is a lie. He is in too deep, he owes too much, and he is getting desperate.
No he has not recently become a gambler. He has debts. The debts are becoming overwhelming. Hence he stole money from his parents. It was not a loan it was a betrayal of his parents and it was theft.
He cannot get a job because he would rather stay up gambling and thus he is too tired to take on a job during the times he is not gambling. Gambling gives his brain a rush just as if he was using a drug.
I worked for a previous manager who gambled. All the staff were aware of his gambling. He lost the family home. Bought a cheaper one. Lost that too. Gambling is a road to hell for the long suffering family. They can never plan anything because any spare cash is swallowed up into the gambling hell hole.
Please do not "help" him.
Do not allow him to take out a policy on your life.
Do not share your money with him.
Never never ever share your access codes to access your bank account or your parent's bank account. He would steal from you and your parents and your friends, if he could.
He is happy to steal money from his best friend (because he knows he cannot pay it back). It is not a loan, it is theft and you will be a party to that theft as you know he is in no position to repay the "loan"
I do feel so very sorry for the "best friend" because he is about to lose a substantial amount of money that will not be repaid.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 March 2016):
 You know who is the biggest gambler here?
You.
This does not sound like a stable situation to be in. Marriage has a huge failure rate and you are going in with under the worst of circumstances. Your fiancee is jobless and he seems to make extremely poor decisions with money management (trying to get out of debt by gambling). And this is something that he dropped on you by surprise. What else is he hiding? Is he a gambling addict?
The only way you can get out of debt is to work harder or more (that may mean taking a second job), cut your expenses, and make smart money decisions. Whether you can do that as a team, though, will determine whether your pending marriage will last.
My hope, though, is that you take a good, hard look at your fiancee, given this new development and ask yourself what the future might hold for you. Just from the tiny glimpse you've given us, I see a lot of sadness and misery ahead.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2016): I know he had done a huge mistake, i know he has that negative trait which is lying and irresponsible. But beside that he is an adorable and family oriented man. This may sounds like im so emotionally in love that i couldnt see which is good or bad. But i dont. Im stressed out because im in dillema thinking to spend my future with him and comparing his good and bad.I told him just now that i had asked this to some friend of mine without telling her who i talk about and she said that i shouldnt help him financially and he should confess to his parent after this. His response was oh.. okay.. My parent love him. They see him as the best future husband for me. I dont want to dissapoint by letting them know about this. We are going to marry soon and i just wish he really change all his habit which is he trying. Im sure enough he wont be gambling anymore in the future because hes so streesed and said its true that people cant make money from gamble. Only work hard do. He seems so traumatic and regret what hed done and he refuse to disccuss every detail about gambling hed done. Like its hurting him inside.He usually is a hard worker man. He is depressed with his jobless in the moment and now he cant tell his parent about this because it will break all our wedding plan. It will make chaos in the house and his parent wont trust him anymore. He said he is thinking about my future too. He doesnt want his parent to distrust him and lose respect to me as his wife. All he wants is going back like before and never try to do anything bad like that again. He will continue his family business and take small share in that and work hard and saving money to repay his friend back. He hope me and his bestfriend will help him. I told him i wilk help him to repay his friend and he agree that and maybe he wish for that. I know people like him that can change all his habit. My uncle is the one like him before. He gamble, in relationship with prostitute, and stealing my grandpa money and run away. Now he has a happy family and far from that kind of thing. He is now a succesful businesman. I just wish my fiance will be like him too.We both 27 and our parent keep urging us to marry soon. We dont want to dissapoint them all. In my culture 27 woman is old enough to have a family and its honestly hard to start relationship in this age. I dont know what should i do..
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 March 2016):
 Nope, marriage at this point is a bad idea. He needs to get help with the addiction/compulsion regarding gambling before you gamble your future away.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 March 2016):
 He made some choices, he needs to face the natural consequences. Tell him you'll go with him when he tells his parents what he did, with his money and theirs.
Hiding it and trying to borrow from friends will only set up more problems and more drama down the road.
Postpone the wedding plans for now; he will need to deal with the fallout from his possibly criminal poor judgment.
There's a saying "don't throw good money after bad." Look it up.
Don't make his problems your own, don't spend money trying to fix his disastrous choices.
Do support him telling his parents. Do protect your own finances.
I know you are disappointed and stressed by this situation. But it's a situation of HIS making and it's up to him to resolve it. You can give him moral support.
Try to look at this from a rational viewpoint and not an emotional one.
I think Abella and Honeypie hit all the key points so read and then re-read their advice closely.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 March 2016):
 I think Abella has given you great advice and I hope you READ her every word.
Bailing him out should NOT be an option. If that means it will take longer before you two can marry, then MAYBE it's a good thing. Right now, he doesn't HAVE much to offer you in the sense of financial and personal support. He is out of work, he gambled big and lost money.
Do you really think he IS ready for marriage? I think not. I think he sabotaged himself and the relationship by gambling. And I think gambling is something he has done longer than he told you. By claiming that he DID it to help the two of you get married he is putting the BLAME for his gigantic loss on you, as well as on himself. And that is 100% wrong. He made the choice to gamble, HE made the choice to steal from his parents to gamble even more. THAT is all on him. He ONLY confided in you to make you a "partner in crime" and to make you feel sorry enough for him that you will "help" him with money.
I'd say AT LEAST postpone the wedding indefinitely.
And I'd make a few demand on him as well.
1. He has to own up to his parents. This is not some minor mistake or lie. He stole from them. HE NEEDS to take responsibility, not involve his friends and you in a cover up for his action. THAT is NOT your job to tell them, it is HIS.
2. He needs to get a job ASAP and make a payment plan to his parents first and foremost.
3. He needs to seek help for the gambling. ASAP.
4. There will be no marriage until he is financially solvent and have dealt with the gambling addiction.
I understand that you LOVE him, but you are NOT helping him by taking responsibility for HIS actions, or by bailing him out.
Pretend for a moment that it's not gambling but drugs he wasted money on. What would you do then?
An addiction is an addiction. And HE IS addicted to gambling and quick fixes.
You are doing HIM and yourself a disservice if you help him out financially or "share" in the blame. And you are doing yourself a MASSIVE disservice if you think this was a once off...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2016): Let me clarify this more.. he really regret it and he promised to be a better man after this. I can feel he realize he had made a huge mistake and learn a lesson from this. However, to be honest he is a bad decision maker. He often did mistakes which is maybe due to he is too desperate and lonely or think he made a best decision which is not. About gambling, he said he just starting to gamble about a month ago and not a frequent gambler. He did that because he feels desperate financially and try his luck. He is now struggling to borrow money from me and his bestfriend. I told him i cant because my parent are controlling my finances and i can only help him pay his friend a bit. His bestfriend seems to agree to help him. He said he would check and give the feedback tomorrow. We are optimist that he will lend the money to my fiancé.His bestfriend is kind of people who loyal to his friend. At least i wish there is still hope for us.What should i do in case he doesnt lend the money to my fiance? What should we do?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2016): "I really dont know what should we do."WE shouldn't do anything. It's HIS problem and HE needs to resolve it. In the meantime YOU should cancel any wedding plans until HE admits he has a gambling problem and HE gets help for it. If his friend is stupid enough to lend him money then he could very well gamble it away again. Do not enable him by offering to help pay his debts unless you want him to lose all your money as well.It's a huge red flag that he hasn't told his parents he lost their money and is trying to find some way to pay them with money he doesn't have, and you shouldn't get involved. He needs to own up and tell them himself. If he doesn't then that should tell you everything you need to know about him: he's a liar and a coward as well as being a compulsive gambler. Be thankful you found out before you married him.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 March 2016):
Any time to "lend" (you will not get the money back) to your gambling fiancé you enable him to continue his addiction to gambling.
His parents have been duped and the money they lent him is gone.
If he borrows money from his friend he will lose his friend and his friend will lose the money he "lent" to your fiancé.
There are three parties to the relationship you are in and you are not number one, because gambling is an addiction and he has it bad. Being able to gamble is what he lives and breathes every day.
I am surprised that he has not yet tried to borrow from your parents. Your parents also would not get their money back if the "lent" him money.
Beware of him telling anyone that he needs money for the wedding. It will be lost to gambling.
Once he runs out of family and friends to "borrow" money from he is likely to try more desperate measures, such as stealing from those he knows. Once people realize how desperate he is they will turn their backs on him and he will be left with turning to stealing to pay for his gambling habit.
You would be doing yourself a favour if you walked away.
Because his gambling will not stop until he reaches rock bottom. And even then. if he does not access some counselling his depression is likely to get worse when he contemplates how much money he has lost and he (unrealistically) tries to work out ways to pay a little bit off here and there.
The money he borrowed from his parents might even have been money to pay off very insistent creditors who he owes money too.
It is his job to tell his parents the truth, that he has a gambling addiction.
In some countries gambling is illegal and this leads to much illegal gambling.
http://www.thejakartapost.com/news/2002/04/24/gambling-debate-heats-n-sumatra.html
In countries that allow gambling they must also set up groups to provide support to problem gamblers
People who understand how dreadful a gambling addiction is will often try to protest agains5 more gambling.
Your guy is not ready to face his addiction yet.
He is still trying to buy time by contemplating gambling just to give him that rush that gambling does.
Get out of this relationship while you can.
Things can only get worse; for your future happiness will be continually eroded if you try to keep supporting a gambler.
Gamblers may claim that they "often win" and of course this is not true. They just remember the most recent win and conveniently forget all their losses,
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