Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 June 2017):
 Don't forget that your husband still has a responsibility to his children and therefore should still be paying maintenance for them. I am glad you are in the process off leaving such a bully and I hope you get your life back.
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female
reader, Katbee  +, writes (16 June 2017):
Katbee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would just like to thank you all for your advice and let you know that I have since had several appointments with a person who is helping me to love myself again and put all this behind me (analyst). I'm taking steps to leave my husband and move into a flat on my own (with my kids) - I feel really positive about it all even though I know it won't be easy. financially it's going to be hard but I know what I want now... and also what I don't want anymore!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2017): My thoughts are with you. I'm rooting for you. You really do need to not be conditioned by your husband to do acts that are degrading to yourself. You went along with him because you "always loved" (him).
Time to Love yourself.
Don't let him walk all over your Love anymore and show no fear.
You can do this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2017): I agree with others, you need to leave your abusive husband asap! But Please be careful of your husband once you've made it clear to him/told him that you're leaving him. Some people get violent when their spouse/significant other is leaving. Do not go to see him alone, always have someone there with you who can protect you.
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female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (12 June 2017):
 Katbee, you've received some very good advice here, but I feel the need to caution you.
Your lover may care about you and is smart enough to see the truth but this does NOT make him a saint. His motives are not entirely altruistic. He has a vested interest in the outcome and remember, he was prepared to carry on with a married woman.
Just slow down and don't be too quick to assume any man who treats you better than your husband does is wonderful.
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female
reader, Katbee +, writes (11 June 2017):
Katbee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your advice.
It has really helped me but I feel a lot better about myself now and I'm taking steps to get out. .and live on my own.
This is the beginning to a new me... I'll keep you posted !
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (10 June 2017):
Your husband has abused you and beat you down to the point that you can no longer think clearly. What you need to do is get the hell out now! If you need help call the National Coalition against Domestic Violence. NCADV..org. They will help you.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 June 2017):
 Telling the kids will be hard, but you won't regret leaving an abuser. It won't be easy, but that's why it's worth it.
Like an addict should stay out of relationships during the main parts of recovery, a person leaving a long term and/or abusive relationship should too.
You can do this!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 June 2017):
He can help you leave, but *please* be single and unattached for a few months. Don't continue a relationship (sexual or romantic) with your lover until you're divorced and spent a few more months single. It's not healthy to jump from one relationship into another and that's what you're doing.Your lover can't be your lover any more - not until you're legally divorced and have been single for a few months *after* that.Please, OP. Prioritise correctly and focus on getting out and learning to be single. Your lover can only be your friend (not FWB either) for several months; you've been married for two decades, so you haven't had to live alone, rely on yourself, be a single mother, etc. That's what you must do, which you can't do if you continue having a lover or relationship.
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female
reader, Katbee +, writes (10 June 2017):
Katbee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOnce again thank you for taking the time to reply and make me feel so much better. I have taken the decision to leave him. .he says I am making a big mistake. That I will regret it.
The most difficult part will be telling the kids.
I am going to take time on my own.. find a small place and take time to get totally "clean "
Thanks for your advice
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2017): Only you know what you want, like and dislike. Think for yourself and act on it
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A
female
reader, Katbee +, writes (9 June 2017):
Katbee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe tears are coming into my eyes reading your answers. My lover is no longer just a lover but a wonderful man who is helping me to find a way out.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and make me feel so much better
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (9 June 2017):
 This is Fifty Shades of fucked up. Your lover putting things into your head sounds just like the wake up call you need. Just because you did these 'things' in the past does not mean you 'liked it' and now it's more like some form of emotional currency. I'm not sure what it is that you are at fault for? It sounds like your husband took advantage of your cancer recovery to serve his own purpose, masking it as helping you to regain your confidence. He should have done that, could have done that and now he's complaining. You dont have to be his play thing and feel wrong for saying so. He has had 20 years of you, I hope you have the courage to spend the next 20 years free from this emotionally abusive man. Telling your kids may be tough but this is not something you should be willing to put up with for the sake of them. Best of luck
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (9 June 2017):
You need to leave and be single for a while. It is *not* your fault.
Don't be with anyone for a few months, not even your lover. You need time to heal and to learn to be happy single, or you're jumping from one relationship to another and that's not healthy.
You need to seek therapy and gain enough confidence to say no to things you don't want to do.
What he did is not your fault, but you do need some time as a single woman, not a soon-to-be divorced woman in another relationship.
Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2017): he's no real husband to you, he is a bully. Do yourself a favour and do not waste another 20 years of your God given life on this wicked human being.
Good luck!
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female
reader, Katbee +, writes (9 June 2017):
Katbee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answer. It helps me so much to think that it's not all my fault. I don't know why I did it ..I feel so ashamed but I'm taking steps to get out... I just dont know how to tell the kids.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (9 June 2017):
 GET OUT! NOW!
It is NOT your fault!
How long will you allow this man to hurt and degrade you for his own pleasure? He does not love you. He USES you for his own ends because he knows you love him enough to allow yourself to be used in this way.
It is HIS fault he has abused your love in this way for so long. Don't allow him to manipulate you any longer.
Walk away TODAY and enjoy the rest of your life without pain and degradation.
Good luck.
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