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age
41-50,
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writes: Hi, my girlfriend of about a year broke up for a couple of months ...got back together 2 months ago. During that time I made made friends on facebook with a girl from work. There was a brief flirty exchange when she accepted my friend request but since then no correspondence. In truth I am not interested in her nor was I ever interested. Only as a friendly work acquaintance. Last night my girlfriend asked if I had added any friends and I told her. She became instantly jealous and demanded I de-friend her. She then demanded to see my Facebook. I said no..she then tried to grab my lap top a number of times. Eventually I gave in and showed her. She saw the (brief) flirtatious exchange, saw that the girl was younger and in her mind very attractive and started crying. I told her the truth ..that she was only ever a Facebook friend but she became very angry and kept calling me a liar and telling me I was deceitful for not deleting her when we got back together. In truth I had not given it any thought because she is just a friend who has no romantic interest in me and neither do I in her. My girlfriend refused to believe me and kicked me out. The thing is that she works as a stripper. I find this very hard to deal with but accept it because I love her. However every now and then she gets very drunk at work and does things (or as she puts it) ...has things done to her. For instance last weekend she came home really drunk and told me she had kissed a client and had whilst drunk had realized he was preforming a non penetrative sex act on her. I went through the roof and left...she has been very apologetic and promised not to get that drunk at work again..In short I have real trust issues with her (I have been 100 percent faithful). But I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and see if she can be true to her word. It just really hurts that she did that and then gets so drastically jealous and angry over me having an attractive facebook friend. She has demanded that I de-friend her or we are over. I did what she wanted. Now she is asking me to de-friend other women I am friends with. Some of these women I slept with (years ago) but others are just friends and acquaintances who happen to be attractive. I am really upset by what seems to be controlling and unreasonably jealous demands. She has convinced herself that I am hiding something..but I am not. What should I do? I want it to work out with her but I cannot keep appeasing her insecurities. I would really appreciate honest and helpful answers especially from the female readers. Help!
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at work, broke up, drunk, facebook, flirt, got back together, jealous, liar, stripper Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (7 June 2014):
Girls who work in the sex industry earn a wage, but pay with their trust. They see how even normal married and attached men will be unfaithful in the right circumstances. That is why they make bad relationship material. Even though they profit, they really do pay, but are often not sharp enough to have this insight. I feel sorry as it makes it much harder to settle down.
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (7 June 2014):
I have to disagree with some of the other posters, and say I don't think you did anything wrong given the fact this flirtation happened when you two were not together. It would be different if you had continued to message her afterwards behind your girlfriends back, but since it seems that you messaged her for a bit whilst you were single, nothing happened, then you got back with your girlfriend a while later. So on that case, I think your girlfriend completely overreacted.However, I also agree that her insecurities come from the type of job she is in. She is so used to sleazeballs that she assumes all guys are like that now. It's really up to you whether you can put up with the fact she does this, because incidents like this are likely to keep happening due to the nature of what she does. I personally couldn't live with my partner working in an industry like that. If she wants to continue stripping, then you'll have to decide if that's something you can live with or not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2014): Why would you want a stripper as a girlfriend? I mean, I get the appeal of it but seriously, as a partner? You're gfs job is to grind on men's lap and prance around on stage nude. My friend use to be a stripper and her only motivation was the ca$h. You say you love her but I can't think of any guy who actually loves his girlfriend that would be okay with her job. You got pissed because you found out that some guy was innapropriate with her. Is that really a surprise considering her occupation?? Im not strippers are prostitutes but according to me friend, they will go a mile further for the extra green. Its not really surprising since they do everything you WOULDN'T want a gf doing for money anyway. So its not hard to imagine them going further if a guy offered a few hundred. And you're obviously not OK with it. I'm sorry but your relationship is just one huge red flag. I'm not bashing strippers. We all have to make ends meet somehow, but I wouldn't want to be In a relationship with one. Just thinking of my gf doing half the things I see strippers doing is enough to pop a vein in my forehead. And I REALLY LOVE her. And her knowing how important it is that OUR intimate moments remained OURS, she wouldn't even entertain the thought of being stripper. I get it, man. Strippers are what most guys want in the bedroom but I can't think of any guys who would say they want one as a gf/wife/mother of his kids. Like the other poster said, if you can't handle, find someone else.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 June 2014):
 Don't date a stripper if you can't accept her job. NOT many men can, but DATING a stripper HAS NOTHING to do with you flirting with a cute young co-worker. And HER job doesn't make it OK for you to do so either.
Why did she throw a fit and throw you out? Because EVERY TIME she goes to work she meets sleazy men, untruthful men who cheats on their GF, who ogle her body FOR money, who sees HER and other women as pieces of meat. And then she comes home and find out HER BF is no better then the customers at the strip club...
BUT she is also pulling a double standard... He got fingered or whatnot by a stranger plying her drinks and she PRESUMED you would be less upset the more profusely she apologized.
BUT SHE was honest. YOU chose to hide what you did.
I think dating someone who have BIG self esteem issues (and yes I think you GF has that) and who also works in a place that if filled with people who honestly don't give a flying fart about her, all they want is to see her T & A.
As for the whole Facebook drama...... I would not have my partner on my Facebook page if he felt he had to "monitor" who I have as my friends. (Now I don't have an active FB, because I think FB is full of shit & drama.) BUT I would ALSO have some rather LONG conversations about boundaries, about personal values and morals.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2014): I'm sorry but you're playing down what you did, you flirted all be it over the internet with another woman and then refused to show her for ages, thus escalating the situation. It makes you look dodgy and i can understand. She should stop drinking at work though as what happened was horrendous. You should delete the women that you've slept with but not the other ones.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2014): I don't understand. "Non-penatrative sex act"? I go to strip clubs once a week with my friends all the time, EVERYTHING that happens there is a Non-penatrative sex act(except oral). What do you think a stripper does? If you think THAT'S bad, I hope she isn't one of the girls who goes to the private rooms. Things always get more heated in there.
Why would you want to date a stripper anyway? It sounds like you can't handle what she does and she can't handle who you talk to. Break up.
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