A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Before anyone chips in and says that I don't understand this from the female perspective, please hear me out - because I have read posts, and heard views from the female side - and believe me they are pretty mixed.My girlfriend and I have been together nearly 2 years now, and a few weeks ago she began pro-actively searching my hard drive for porn etc.She (despite denying it to my face) did delete a folder which contained my pornography "collection" if you will.Most men will tell you that looking at porn is a lot like going to McDonalds - it's nice to have a burger now and again, but nothing can beat steak.My girl doesn't seem to think this is a valid arguement.Just to put things into perspective - despite our differences, my ex and I never had any problems with each other's fantasies.Infact I can't remember anyone ever bringing this up as a problem before - as such it comes as quite a blow.I can see where it's going - and I don't want to end our relationship, but that's exactly what will happen.It's not that I choose porn over my gf, more that I refuse to pretend I'm something I'm not - I am a normal bloke!
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male
reader, previasc96  +, writes (20 May 2008):
Don't choose porn over your girlfriend! All the images and actions you see in these films or pictures, are redundant. It's the same thing over and over again. Most women do not want their man to lust after other women. When you indulge in porn, you are doing exactly that. It's just as good as cheating. If you would save that sexual energy that you spend on porn, your sexual relation with your girl would be a whole lot better.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): My bf and I have/had a great sex life. I watched porn with him for a long time and it was okay. Eventually, I got sick of it, it was almost always a prelude to screwing and I felt like I wasn't interesting or good enough w/o porn. Plus, every movie has women dressed up like children and I can't stand that. There is enough child abuse with out having adult women dress like children and screw for money. I finally had enough porn. I am a good lay, I have very few inhibitions, I loved to give him blow jobs, we had hours of sex, I used to wear sexy lingere for him, we would screw 3 or 4 times a week and I am still not good enough and neither is the sex - so why bother trying anymore! I quit wearing lingere because I was sick of the comparison and today I threw out every toy we had. He can watch all the porn he wants and if he wants to screw, I will lay there and spread my legs and let him f u me. But I am not going to initiate it any more, no more blow jobs... I am sick and tired of being compared to porn. I will never meet the expectations porn sets up. Of course he uses the usual excuse "every guy does it" and "it is just so I can get ideas for us" blah blah blah. Well, I hope he enjoys his porn. My self esteem is at the bottom right along with my desire. No matter what I did it wasn't good enough so I give up. I see it as the end of our relationship of eight years. He will have his porn to jack off too and an empty bed so he can go all night.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): If you want her to see your side of the argument, maybe you shouldn't use meat as a metaphor. Just an idea.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): This is so typical of men out west to say. "every guy looks at porn" every guy in every culture DOES NOT look at porn. In fact, it considered immoral in many. Women's bodies are not just objects to look at and jerk off to when you're horny. Women are people not just breast and a vagina on an easily accesible DVD as porn depicts them as. Pornography depicts MEN AND WOMEN not as people but as just sex objects. Some may argue the point of porn is to do that. However, the point of drugs is to sell it...but selling drugs isn't right. Just as selling sex isn't necessarily morally righteous.
For me it's immoral and shouldn't be done. The porn industry is just basically legalized on video prostitution.
So no it's not just a thing "normal" guys do. It's actually and abnormal habit that sexually drived societies such as the west have made normal.
Something is only normal when everyone does it. Everyone originally didn't look at porn. It had to go through a process of normalization which means men have something which orginally wasn't normal...norma.
LAST, but not least, if you have a girlfriend she is the only woman you are supposed to be looking at naked. It's disrespectfuly to her. And no she's not jealous she's just human. Why would anyone want to be with someone who was enjoying other people have sex. That just doesn't seem MONOGAMOUS.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): I have a couple of things to add to these arguments.Firstly it seems to me that sex is a thing that seems to be more important factor in a relationship for men then woman. (This is not always the case) Yes yes, woman want an man who can satisfy her, but womans standards seems lower when it comes to sex then men.All over the internet you men discussing how to be better lover , how to please woman better. Every guy wants to inlarge his penis, even though its problably allready big enough for his girlfriend. Men spend a lot of time and research trying to perfect there sexual intercorse. They try to find out what woman like and they try to do it to the best of what they can.I think the woman generation is becoming very slopy when it comes to sex, especially the ones that are not single the ones in relationships. They think if there is a sexual problem they should go to gym or go on a diet or whatever.But even the very super sexy girls can be bad in bed, or have there boyfriends/husbands loose sexual interest in them because they do not satisfy them. I just think females should take some time , and do some sex research too . (watch some porn maybe :P) So that they can improve of the thing where there are room to improve on. To see what men like and dont like. Just figure out what kind of male your partner is , it can be hard, but once you know that the rest is easy.Just a bit of advise for woman to not fall behind in the sexual department and later regret it or blame it on other factors.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): (Female reader)
Ok now. When men watch and masturbate to porn, they are imagining that they are having sex with the women in the film. And sometimes they do it because they feel their girlfriend isn't "hot enough" or they wish that their girlfriend looked like the women in porn films. Watching too much porn can make a man develope unrealistic expectations, and become bored with their girlfriend. I personally had to undergo a procedure called labiaplasty which was both physically and mentally painful. I did this because my boyfriend felt that my labia were too large, and became more and more disgusted with me as he watched more porn. He actually told me *quote on quote* "I would love you more if you had bigger boobs" and "Your nipples are too big, all the girls in the porns I watch have really small ones.". I went to the plastic surgeon and asked for an areola reduction, she measured my areola and told me that I am exactly at the measure of the average female areola in the U.S. Porn has made him have unrealistic expectations in me, and he has lost sight of what a "real woman" looks like. My point being that because of my boyfriend and his little "porn obsession" my self-esteem has been shattered, and I have been forced to physically alter myself and constantly worry what I will have to change next. If you love your girlfriend, you should stop watching porn before you treat her how I'm now treated.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (25 January 2008):
 Why some men like porn more than women?
The men can turn porn off and on when they like but with women , they have no control.Women are emotional and complicated beings.
Most women make the mistake of thinking the men should think like them. That is where they are very wrong.The males and females are completely different.
If you love a person , you love them warts and all and you don't try to change them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): I think it's pretty simple. You have to decide which you value the most - pornography or your relationship.There will be women and men who decide which is best for you. But only you know what you really want.On the "normal" thing I think you and most of the answerers (if that's a word!) are a bit misguided. Pornography can form a healthy part of your life. It can also be an unhealthy addiction. Relationships can also be healthy or unhealthy. But in a relationship it's important that both people feel comfortable with any use or abstinence from pornography. So it's okay for your girlfriend to express her discomfort at your use of pornography and for her to want to be in a relationship that doesn't involve pornography. Equally, it's okay for you to be comfortable with pornography and to want to be in a relationship that allows pornography. But it's not okay for either of you to take the moral high ground on this. You each sound as stubborn and narrow minded as the other.In short, make your choice, but consider the price.
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male
reader, Diimo +, writes (26 December 2007):
 ..might I add..I'd personally choose the GF over the porn, but you don't necessarily need porn to simply masturbate. It would be interesting to hear how she feels about porn-less masturbation? Comes down to is even if you gave up porn for her, its just you would not be being who you really are. And in way living a lie because she has an insecurity when she thinks about you looking at porn.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): Foxtrot, have you not read any of the posts on here?? Are you seriously advocating that this guy gives up his girl for porn - Jeez, you guys really do have a serious problem where porn is concerned. Lets hope we all find utopia where women don't have to put up with this shit (or won't) and we leave all you men out there to wank yourself stupid over porn. Perhaps then, when the real women don't want to know, you might all decide that real sex really is the way to go and not your fantasy porn lives!!!!!!!!!!!
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male
reader, foxtrot +, writes (15 December 2007):
Hammm, your a normal guy, but she deleted your porn folder and now she's lying about it. So how can you trust her?This is always going to be a problem if you stay with her, so you should consider dumping her and finding a gf who isn't worried about a bit of porn.
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female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (14 December 2007):
 One thing I forgot to add in my posting was this. You talk about being a 'normal' bloke. I am wondering why you feel it's normal to want to choose between a perfectly, good quality love relationship and pornography. Do you not see a problem here. When you feel torn between your gf and porn, and feel you have to 'choose' there is a huge problem. Do you think may be she is trying to tell you something? Could porn be 'much more' than just an occasional pastime? If it is a daily occurnce or even every other day, it means you have a sexual addiction and the only way through this...is counseling. Just something to think about, hun. I wish you both well.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): Having read a lot about this subject (porn), I am still undecided about the effects in a loving relationship but here goes, I'll offer an opinion anyway.
First thing that struck me here is that the man is potentially thinking of breaking up with his girlfriend over his use of porn - if that doesn't strike a chord of a man with a serious porn use problem then I don't know what will. You would break up with someone and choose paper/celluloid girls over your girlfriend!!!!!!!!!! That's the problem with porn, it's insipid and insidious; the common theme among relationships that worries me is that men very often choose it over their loving relationships. What seems to happen is that the men stop having sex with their partners, but their partners can see that they are regularly viewing porn sites. Ouch, that's gotta hurt, hasn't it. And, at the end of the day, you are copping off looking at other women. My bf persuaded me to watch one with him on the proviso that we might get some hints and tips (a common argument men will use). So I did; getting hints and tips from porn is rather like trying to get relationship advice from a romance novel - a non starter. And it felt like our intimacy had been taken away - there we were coldly looking at other people fucking. So yes, you get that instant gratification of feeling turned on, but equally it felt degrading and in the words of my bf, he sheepishly looked at me and said "it's a bit primitive isn't it"? He also said "it's boring really and they all follow the same format". He wasn't saying that for my benefit, that is how he felt - yet he will still watch it - can anyone answer that one? I think it stems back to their childhood or whenever they first get into it - it seems illicit and exciting and that feeling stays with them throughout their adult life. Equally, why are men furtive about it? Apparently, my bf's best friend told me that when I got together with my bf, he threw away his porn stash (I didn't ask him to - I didn't even know about it). Why would he do that if he feels it's a good thing??
His friend also has the argument "all men do it" - well, this is not really an argument is it??? It is men's justification for doing it and feeling better about it.
My bf's friend, who is an avid porn fan, and I often get into arguments over this one. He remarked that he turns to porn because sex can sometimes get a "bit routine". Again, that's the problem with porn. It makes you disastisfied with your parner and an expectation that your women is going to have to behave like the porn stars in the bedroom to keep you interested. I then asked him what he did in the relationship to solve the routine sex problem - he looked suprised that I had asked him to be accountable in his relationships - if the sex is routine then it requires both of you to help solve it. Another comment on here was that a man wanted his gf to dress up like the porn stars; bless her she went and put a teashirt on and some high heels, which as the bloke said didn't quite do what he wanted. Again, what was he doing to turn her on?? Would he be prepared to dress up like a fireman, if that was her thing, and parade around, knowing all the time that it wasn't him turning her on, but the fantasy she had created. In fact tonight, I am going to get an old chippendales dvd out (that's about as risque as I got) and say to my bf that I only get turned on after watching it and just him along doesn't quite cut the muster; that I need to see other men naked before I'll have sex with him - or Brad Pitt perhaps - imagine if I say to him - please dress up and act like Brad Pitt and then I'll be really turned on enough to have sex with you -get real - he'd be devasted - just like a lot of women out there are. Yes, I'm liberal enough to have watched the porn with my bf as it's hard to offer an opinion on something you have never watched. As I say, my gut feel without completing my research, is that it is bad and unhealthy in a loving relationship. My bf turns me on enormously and I don't need that feeling to be diluted or adulterated by porn. And the fact that this guy is prepared to give up reality for fantasy is currently confirming my views that porn is dehumanising and unhealthy. If you want to go and get turned on, be inspired by life and it's realities; stop hiding in your fantasy world.
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female
reader, angelblueeyes +, writes (13 December 2007):
 Back again,
Very well said anonymous,
Reading back on what everyone has written has kept me stuck to my pc for quite a while, I dont think some of the comments were very deserved tho, everyone has a different opinion & just because their views dont match yours dosent make them a awful person!!
Lu x
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): I dont agree with the last post as no one person is a waste of time, we all have a place a special place on this earth and we are here to learn. To be told we are a waste of time then write something means you have just spent time telling that person he has wasted your time so why bother writing it that makes no sense
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): I think your a waste of time and energy.You have the real thing.What more could you ask for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): The WORST thing you can do is lie about it! That will erode all trust in the relationship. If you are convinced you can't live your life without porn, let her know so she can make a decision based on the facts. If you are willing to give it up, she may surprise you and actually offer it back into the relationship at a later date after she feels secure that you value her more than the porn, or she may just be happy to have it out of her life and continue to ask that it be that way. I am curious.......why do you feel that you can't live without porn? Many people do all across the world and their life is not affected negatively by the absence, it is only this generation that feels it is a necessary part of life...
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): Hi Love,
Well what a bag of tricks, My b/f and I watch it together somtimes if he were to hide it from me then that would upset me more than the porn. And that is going from a previous relationship were my husband did not want sex but watched porn every night, That a bit of a head F...for a woman as you feel undesirable, Men are very visual creatures but so are some women, And I have read an awfull lot about this subject and one person said if a man watches it no problem its watched and done with but if a woman watches it she is more likely to cheat, That I dont agree with, I wouldnt delete it but if things are shared there is nothing to hide, Your g/f is feeling insecure hunny it makes no difference if you think shes the steak and the porn is the burger she probably feels like the burger...So be honest a relationship is about trust and honesty love so you have to think what you want and if you can talk with her about this when she is calmer then hopefully you will come to a better understanding together. TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXX
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female
reader, sexseahot +, writes (12 December 2007):
 It's not being something you're not. It's respecting your girlfriend's feelings and seeing this situation from her point of view. The one time I had found out my bf looked at porn, I was hurt and felt as if I wasn't good enough for him. I let him know how I felt and that was that. He cared enough for me not to do that again. So it's not like ALL guys look at porn. This might be how your girlfriend feels and the thought of having a COLLECTION of porn, just might be not fair to her. She probably wants to be the ONLY woman in your life you see naked and get turned on by. If you don't want to respect how she feels and give up porn, then it would be best to just break up with her and let her find someone that respects her like she needs to be respected.
Good luck!
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female
reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (12 December 2007):
Well gosh, who and what do you choose? A longterm committed relationship or pornography? Which do you value and uphold more, in your life? Your gf has set a boundary. If you want your relationship to continue, then heed that boundary. Porn viewing in love relationship is very controversial as you have seen from reading the posts on this site. I personally think, that when a guy is in a committed, love relationship with a female, pornography should be kept 'out' of the relationship. Somehow, you have convinced yourself that watching porn is normal...it's not. I know a lot of males (married and otherwise) that don't view pornography. So instead of convincing yourself that this is normal, why don't you just be try to be take your personal love relationship up to a higher standard and make it and yourself, special and unique. My suggestion: Quit the pornography and save your relationship...plain and simple. It's a choice, hun.
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male
reader, troubledtoomuch + ♥, writes (12 December 2007):
 I agree with angleblueeyes and birdynumnums. My wife and I sometimes watch it together and my first wife and I did the same. However, I usually watch it by myself. How often I watch depends on how my wife feels at the time. I am normally awake at 5 or 6 am. Sometimes she feels like snuggling and probably having sex. If this is the case for several days then I won't look at porn at all. Sometimes she wants me to get up and come back to bed in a couple of hours and let her sleep. If I get up and work on the computer, I look at porn for maybe a half hour to an hour at the end to get back in the mood. Neither of us see anything wrong with it.
As you said, there are greatly varied opinions on the forum. I have never watched porn with a woman who did not like it also. I use it as a mood enhancer or sexual fantasy if my wife is not in the mood for a couple of days. In those cases, it sort of replaces her and she is fine with that. I don't know if I could live with a woman who so objected to porn or fantasies. I've never had to and think that it would hurt the relationship. If I had to guess what I would do, I would have to say that I certainly wouldn't divorce my wife if she all of a sudden objected to it, but it would prpbably hurt our sex life. If I was going with someone and she deleated my collection and said that I was not permitted to have porn, then I think that I would seriously consider leaving her. However, never having had to make that decision, I might be wrong about that.
We all have to weigh the pluses and minuses of our partners. There are some things that I don't like about my wife. If you had asked me before I had met her if I would marry someone with those minuses, I would have probably said no. However, her pluses greatly outweighed her minuses. The thing that is different is that her minuses don't impact my life now, so this issue with porn is not really totally the same. I'm not sure if my rambling helps your thoughts any, but good luck with what you decide. Maybe her seeing some of the opinions on the forum will help her to think about it and see that you are not using porn because you are not happy with her.
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (12 December 2007):
 To be honest my gf was funny about porn. It was only when she was away and I felt lonely and horny that I'd look at it. It wasn't a replacement for her. At the end of the day there's nothing better than being with the one you love intimately. With the emotions there the feeling is multiplied 100 times.
However, we all have needs and I'm sure there are women out there who fantasise when they're lonely and I'm sure they don't just fantasise over their bf/husband.
Of course, if its compulsive and this is having an affect on you satisfying her sexual needs/desires then this is a different story altogether.
Did you know funnily enough that men's sex drive increases in the Winter? Apparently, hormones are more prevalent during the Winter months for some reason.
p.s. I prefer the analogy sometimes you want a quick snack, and sometimes you want the full blown three-course meal. Goes for "quickies" too :)
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female
reader, birdynumnums + ♥, writes (12 December 2007):
 If you were compulsive and viewing porn constantly, say an hour a day, then yes, I'd be hurt and angry, about it. But I tend to feel that watching on occasion is probably normal for a guy. If your life revolves around it, not cool, every once in a while, okay. Personally, I have known women that view it as cheating, but I think that is a pretty extreme point of view and a bit unreasonable. Do you think that it's possible that your girlfriend is insecure about your relationship? Is she jealous about anything other than the porn? After living in Holland for ten years, it would only bother me if I felt that my husband was addicted to it. Haven't a clue if any of this was of any help, best of luck with everything. One last thing, deleting anything on your PC was quite an invasion of your personal right to privacy. My husband would have hit the roof if I did that, and I would be P.O.ed if he deleted anything on my computer too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): Well then end the relationship. I mean she already told you that she is not happy about it. I think you should respect her feelings but if you don't want to then fine. I would not be happy at all if my bf had a porn collection while he was with me.
I used to date a guy who had a huge porn collection but he used to cringe at the thought of me thinking of or being attracted to anybody else. That's how some men are and that is not fair. But hey, you are a free man. So keep the porn and end the relationship. I am sure she will be just FINE without you. And that will give her a chance to meet a guy who will really value her opinion. So keep your greasy burger and let her have her steak.
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female
reader, Crisy +, writes (12 December 2007):
 Although looking at porn is natural for a bloke, try looking at it from her prospective and think how would you feel if she was looking at naked men better looking than you?
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female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (12 December 2007):
 What do you mean you are a "normal" bloke? I get so tired of generalizations. Not every man is the same and not every woman is the same. Not every man looks at porn. Also, I wouldn't go for your argument either-it sounds like you are comparing women to meat (steak/hamburger?) And when you say you refuse to be something you are not, does that mean you are porn?
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female
reader, angelblueeyes +, writes (12 December 2007):
Hi,
I completely understand where you are coming from, my hubby has quite a selection of porn & i dont think there is anything wrong with it sometimes i even watch it with him. It doesn't mean he wants me any less or that he even finds them attractive it's just a man thing,
I have to say tho i can never understand why woman hate there fellas watching it, a friend of my husband's is just the same he is band from watching porn because his wife hates it.
I can't see how a relationship can work that way tho because its built on being equal & making the other person change themselves to suit you is not the way it is, if you love them you accept them for who they are, bad bits & all!!
Soz if thats not the opinion you were after & good luck.
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female
reader, BellyDance +, writes (12 December 2007):
 Hmm....Well I think your girlfriend is very confussed as to why you view porn, and is probly offended by it. She most likely feels threated. She might have heard all the negative things about porn.(i.e men who watch porn lose respect for women). I'd say talk to her about it, explain to her how you feel about her, and let her know she shouldn't feel threaten by videos that arouse you. Maybe try to introduce the positive out come it has like adding a little spice to yours and hers sex life. In ther mean time I'd keep the porn hidden until you've talked about it with her.
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female
reader, hello1 +, writes (12 December 2007):
 If your g/f really against it then stop looking at it, and what I mean by that is don't have an collection, just look at the sites sometimes when she's not around. You obviously can't love her if your picking porn over her! god your not worth it anyway are you!
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