A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm struggling with the pain and shock involved in starting an open relationship.I've been dating my girlfriend for about 6 months. Recently we agreed to open the relationship and allow each other to have sex with other people. She's the one who suggested it and as far as I can tell, she's been wanting to bring it up in the past but was scared to. We've laid down the rules and like any other open relationship, our relationship takes priority over any other random hookup. So far it's making her happy.The only problem is that it hurts. It hurts to think about or hear about her sleeping with other people even if it is just sex. I believe her when she says that she's always going to put me first, that she only loves me, and that she can separate emotion from sex. Furthermore, she's done nothing to show me otherwise. She's always been considerate and plans hookups specifically so they don't interfere with our plans. I trust her and I love her. I don't even feel jealous, scared that she's going to leave me, or like I don't fulfill her needs, I'm just hurt.I'm trying so hard to cope with the pain but it feels like there's a vice grip on my heart. I really thought that this would be easier and that I would be able to handle opening the relationship but it just hurts so much. For the most part, I've always preferred men, and when it came to intimacy, nobody got close to me unless I let them. Even though she feels differently about sex, I think that my mindset is what's making this so hard for me, but I'm not completely sure. As I said earlier, it isn't a feeling of jealousy or inadequacy, just pain. So I don't know why I feel so hurt since she's done everything to assure me that I'm loved and that she holds me above anyone else she sleeps with. So my question is how can I cope with this pain? How am I supposed to just casually accept that she's sleeping with other people without it hurting so much? How do I put my pain aside so I can just let her be happy?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 September 2017):
 There is no other way to get over that pain accept acknowledge the truth and talk to her about how you feel. You need to be honest with her, and if she is not prepared to give up other men then the best thing that you can do is walk away.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (20 September 2017):
AWESOME!!!! What happens when a dog has been kept in the house all day, and you OPEN the front door??
Be that dog...just don't come back.
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A
male
reader, Roboaxe +, writes (20 September 2017):
 Dude. Break up with her.
IMMEDIATELY.
No girl, and I mean no girl, is worth that emotional abuse. Either she's with you or she isn't, there is no middle ground there.
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A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (18 September 2017):
This is a very painful situation for you to be in,but the good news is you do not have to continue.First of all this girl does not love you or anyone or anybody....just what she wants.....sexual encounters with many men....just lust.You might consider what you want.. and what would make you happy .Find a girl who will love and respect you alone...because after all a relationship is 2 people not 3 or 4 people. A situation like this never works out,because at the end of the day both of you will be unable to trust each other.Right now you are feeling hurt and with good reason.Remember every day is a fresh start,and a chance for you to be happy finding that special girl.Kind regards NORA B.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (18 September 2017):
 Why are putting yourself through this? Seriously?
What are you gaining from this? You clearly don't want this to happen so why are you allowing it to and going along with it? This girl is not the one for you.
You tried and failed to accept what's happening, you either tell her enough is enough, or find someone else who likes to keep their relationship with 2 people only.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 September 2017):
 I have to agree with Cindy (as usual)
NO ONE is making you do this. You have tried (in order to please her) but it's NOT working for you and it's going against your own moral code and standards. So tell her, wish her well and END it.
There is nothing wrong in having tried and deciding no, thanks, I don't want to be in an open relationship. It's also OK to say no, I don't want an open relationship - even if you have NEVER tried one.
YOU have your own morals, values, and standards. When you don't stick to those you end up in a situation like this, where you are doing things that feel wrong.
Not everyone can keep sex and emotions separate. She might, you don't.
I think it's a BIG GLARING FLASHING notice to you, that you two are not a great fit long term.
She wants to ACT single while having an "anchor" a "rock" in her life (you). My guess is she also KNOWS that you wouldn't be sleeping around.
Sorry, I think you need to accept that you two are just not good together. Not when it comes to morals, values, and standards.
So how do you fix this? By ending it. Let her free to do whatever and whomever and find someone who doesn't want to "spread" their love all over the place.
Let's also look at this in a practical manner - what happens if she gets a STD/STI? Get pregnant? The more people she sleeps with the higher that probability gets. And guess what? HER STD/STI's will become yours... not exactly something people are lining up to "share".
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 September 2017):
 Where does it say that you must accept it ? Doctor's order ?
Open relationships are fine only as long as both parties not only consent but embrace them voluntarily and wholeheartedly, and enjoy them equally.
Not everybody is cut out for open relationships, and there's nothing wrong in preferring committed, monogamous ones. As a matter of fact, that's what most people prefer, and being exclusive is generally seen as the most distinctive sign which marks a relationship as serious and meaningful, as opposed to just meanigless and recreational. It may be just a social construct and nothing more- but it is what it is ,and , at least in the Western world, it is much more normal to ask , offer and aspire to mutual fidelity also phisically, not just emotionally. Open relationship are a minority variance , and definitely not palatable to everybody. So do not feel bad if you feel you do not want to share your partner.
So what if she can keep sex and emotions separated ? Maybe YOU can't , and it's not as if it were a mandatory skill to be taught in highschools.
I think you should talk to her sincerely and tell her that you tried but your current agreement does not really work for you and it is causing you to get more hurt than joy from this relationship. It may be that she decides that giving up " fun " , recreational hookups is a fair price to pay to keep your relationship afloat; or ( I'll be honest ) more probably that she wants no monogamous committment and no interference in her search of different sexual experiences, and in this case she'd break up with you. Which of course sucks- then again, I don't think that carrying on things as they are now, and feeling hurt and unhappy all the time,must be such a picnic in the park.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2017): From your post "she's been wanting to discuss this for awhile now" what does that mean? That she's ok giving her body to other men? A relationship is between two people. Not three not four. But two. So you need to make it clear that you cannot handle an open relationship and that that it is not what you thought it'll be.
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