A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey all, My partner of five years and I had a fight two days ago and we haven't spoken since and I miss her a lot. Usually I am always the one that goes running back and gets us to make up but I'm just tired of her never making that effort. The fight is because I feel like sometimes she really could care less what happens to me. About two weeks ago I was at my worst regarding depression, I told her how alone I felt and that I was feeling like hurting myself because I had no one to speak to. She basically told me I had no reason to feel like that and then she didn't speak to me the rest of the day, and didn't even ask if I was okay the next day. She understands mental illness because she has struggled with it herself in the past, I think its just a case of, she honestly doesn't care. Also because she wouldn't talk to me, I went to the doctors in tears and when I got back, she was more passionate and annoyed at the fact I went there than asking if I felt better. Past few days she's being acting similar, at the moment I'm completely broke.. This is what has been getting me down.. I am a University student and I don't get paid for 4 weeks. It wasn't that I wasted my money, she made me pay for a summer accommodation I couldn't afford because she wouldn't come back to my parents to visit me which is the same distance, she hates my family and hates me seeing them. I have no food in the cupboards and rather than offer to help me when she can see I am physically upset, she just laughs about how poor I am.. I even said to her I have been offered a job but I don't have the five pound to get there. I don't feel I am entitled to her money, but ain't long term partners supposed to support each other? In the past when she's had nothing, before she got her job, I gave her my last and even my mother helped her out. There's being situations like that which have have occurred so many times in the past, like when I blacked out and had to go to the doctors - she wasn't there for me either. She doesn't see any of this though, and she says I'm just an ungrateful bitch. What she sees is the occasions she pays for lunch or takes me out - I am grateful for her doing so and I say thank you everytime but where is she when I need her most? How can you allow your partner to struggle so badly when she put me in a situation where I had no choice but to do this. I am mostly gonna have to see something to make it over these next few weeks. I can 100% guarantee she won't contact me first after this fight. She wants me to contact her and admit I'm wrong about everything and that she's a saint. I'm not doing it anymore, it's making me unhappy. Am I over reacting to feel the way I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2017): Now sometimes you have to stop and listen to yourself. I want you to re-read your post out-loud. Do it in the center of the room. So you can hear yourself.
Now, how many good reasons have you given to remain with this woman?
You are trying to trivialize a serious compatibility problem down to who apologizes first. You're a grown-woman and you had better get a grip on reality. You've written absolutely no reason to stay with her. You don't even understand your own reasons for being with her; other than a misguided attachment, and a forced-infatuation. She sounds very much like the one who wants out of this relationship; but she knows there will be so much drama you'll end-up hospitalized and blaming her. I know a drama queen when I read one.
Empathy and compassion are not the same thing as love. You can show both those emotions for a complete stranger. You're trying to force someone who hardly cares, to love you. She can't even bring herself to buy you food when you have no food in your house. I hate to read things like that; because it tears at my heart when people are hungry or homeless.
You need to drop this relationship, focus on your depression-therapy, and concentrate on your education. You're too caught-up in feeding on the drama from this messed-up relationship. You're being clingy and submissive to a mean and hardened person who is tired of sharing your misery.
It may be time to pack-up, go home, find a closer school; and finish your education. Stop living that tragic soap opera with someone you're trying to force to love and feel sorry for you.
I also think you need to learn what love is. Love doesn't exist unless it goes back and forth between two people. It's an infatuation when it's one-sided, my dear.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2017): 5 years isn't 5 months. Couples who have lasted that long tried to make it work, so let's give your partner a little credit. Sometimes life gets the better of us and it does sound like this relationship had run its course. You have told us her faults, but it always takes two to tango and I must tell you yours, not for the purpose of getting back with her, but for making all the relationships that you have and will have, romantic or otherwise. Don't let your medical condition cripple you. Doctors and medication may help you, but it's mostly you who will do the work of helping you. I remember the story John Nash captured in the biopic A Beautiful Mind. Disregarding the few inaccuracies in that movie about his family life, the story remains the same - he was diagnosed with mental illness, helped himself and bounced back. You must do the heavy lifting yourself. We all do. Not even our parents can do that for us, although I know they wish they could. Write a beautiful story for yourself this lifetime. The irony of life is that its beauty comes from struggles, and overcoming them. Wishing you the best, M.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (15 August 2017):
 I seriously cant understand what you see in her from this post. What are you getting out of this relationship exactly?
If she makes no effort with you then how are you enjoying things? I think she likes the fact you're wrapped around her finger and that in itself shows you're not right for each other. Relationships should be balanced and it sounds like she gets a kick out of being in control.
If I were in your shoes I'd walk away and wouldn't look back.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (15 August 2017):
 It doesnt sound like a happy or balanced relationship. When you love someone, you care about them and help them if you can. you dont laugh at their misfortune. this isnt a healthy relationship for you.vthere comes a point sometimes that even though you love someone, you have to put yourself first. this is where you are. just because you love someone doesnt mean that they are good for you. she isnt. love yourself enough to walk away, my dear.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (15 August 2017):
 Looks a lot like incompatibility to me. She wants or expects something from you that you are unable or unwilling to give or be. Wow there are a lot of or's in that sentence. The telling point to me is when she became more passionate and interested in you after you went to the doctor. I think what she wants is a man who stands on his own two feet and takes care of his own emotions himself. You are more interested in a sharing partner and mutual support. She also has some old fashioned ideas about money, where the man is supposed to provide and shower her with gifts while she keeps her own money close. That model really is not much in practice now.
That's what is going on, but it has little to do with the advice I want to give you:
My advice to you is that you continue the separation, and end the relationship. This is why. You don't have the same values. She hates you spending time with your family, you value time with your family. This will always be a problem between you and will ruin either your relationship with her or your relationship with your family. Second reason you should end the relationship: She doesn't meet your emotional needs. She doesn't even see them as important. Now I don't know how well you are meeting her needs, but with her disdain of your needs there is little hope of her being willing to be the partner you need.
I would also recommend that you borrow a copy of the book His needs, Her needs. It will help you a lot in understanding how this happened, and how it can be avoided in a future relationship.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (15 August 2017):
 Judging by what you tell us I don't think you are overeating. She sounds like someone I wouldn't want to know. Ca n you stand to let her go?
She is trying to exercise her dominant position over you. It's not a partnership. It sounds like it is moving to a dominant sub-dominant scenario.
You would be well advised to let her become someone else's problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2017): I feel as working in mental health and having a counselling degree .
That for you, here :- You need to take a step back .. and have some space time .. I don't really agree on having breaks , but in this situation I really feel you need to . Can you go and stay with your mother ? Explain the situation all mothers ( I'm one) will tut a little . However their no one better at soothing your soul and your post kinda maybe think, you and your mum get along .. am I right ? If so go to mums .. be prepared for the tutting but explain to her you honestly need a hug and her worldly advice and ear ..
You need some time and space to figure out is this what you want .. it's very drama orientated and borderlining on verbal abuse " bitch " is not a word I would accept of my partner .. so I think neither should you .
Your partner can't by what you've posted deal with your condition as it's so finely attached to her own .. so she cuts you out .. the she not dealing with it .. she does this I feel as her own safety guard..
You will know depression is like weather .. you could have months of sun followed by slight shower heavy rain and even overwhelming snow .. where your covered and can't feel you can't break out and that's when you need someone to help pull you through ..
She can't .. why ?? She may feel, if she does she will be sucked under herself .. so she uses her passive aggressive nasty remarks to stop you from talking about it .. she ignores it and you as she can't dea with it .. she simply can't deal with it ..
That doesn't make you problematic, in my eyes .. in her eyes it does ..
There however the fact she sneers at you and your current financial situation that there is no equilibrium between your relationship .. you give when you can and do so even when you can't, leaving yourself short .. you need to learn to say no .. and you need to learn to stand your ground and say with pride .. you are poor but you are working towards a future either sh eis on board with that, or she gets of and the next exit .. she does not get tonput you down or ridicule your life as she actually insulting herself - as isn't she with you ..
For me if you were my daughter ( not medical here) I would say that it time to walk away .. but I'm not you and I'm your shoes or have the feelings you have .. I can only say .. you will need proper support elsewhere .. your partner is not going to give you it .. she can't ..
she has no right to be angry I was actually impressed you were at the gp sweetie ; so you need to keep that going .. reach out to others .. you have to think about your mental and emotional and physically health as they are all so linked together .. when one starts going it puts pressure on the others so please seek out family and friends and support groups .. and all the medical intervention that your gp will provide .
Chin up and you can always vent away here
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2017): You shouldnt be sitting there and starving so i hope that you have at least borrowed money or gone to the foodbank or asked avtrudsted neighbour for food.
You need to prioritise yourself a bit more and this includes not renting accomadation you cant afford in order to please someone else because when they swan off you still have to pay the bills.
It might be time to call home to mamma and take a trip out there to see her as you need a fresh perspective.
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