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My family says move on but he's my whole life!

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Teenage, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 November 2010) 7 Answers - (Newest, 9 November 2010)
A female Canada age 26-29, *rokenConfused writes:

Me and my first and current boyfriend of almost two years were dating when I found out the shocking news that two and a half months ago he had cheated on me with my now Ex-best friend. I found out by her phoning me early in the morning and her saying that she had to get to fosomething off her chest. She told me that they had slept with each other a couple of weeks before that day. I told her to tell me why and what happened and how it had happened. She wouldn’t tell me anything so I hung up the phone.

I immediately went to text my boyfriend and I saw that I had a text message from him saying ‘I know what you did!!!’(He heard from her that me and her were sleeping together as well. Which i would never ever think of doing to him or anyone.) I immediately texted back ‘what the hell! What are you talking about?’ My boyfriend then phoned me to tell me that he was coming over so we could talk about it. I told him that my mom was home but he just said ‘I don’t care I’m coming over.’ I hung up the phone, I then proceeded to call my best friend and tell her what had happened to me. After I had talked (well cried) to her and her sister, I went to change and get ready for the dreaded talk. I was walking to my room when my mom asked ‘What’s wrong sweetie?’ I told her ‘Nothing. Nothing wrong.’ I was trying not to let my voice crack. I ran to her and sobbed in her arms as I told her what had happened. She told me to calm down and let him explain him self and just let him talk.

I walked out of the house to meet him and I told him to tell me everything. He told me that he didn’t mean it and that he didn’t know why he did it.(and still to this day that’s his same answer. Which I don't believe.) We tried to work it out for a couple of weeks and I was having second thoughts about taking him back so we broke up and three days later my mom told me some things about his facebook status and that they were all sad and depressing and then I was depressed, sad and missing him so again I took him back.

It’s been two weeks and again I’m having second thoughts about our relationship's. 'Is he cheating on me? Where is he? Why isn’t he phoning me?' So on top of all that he let me borrow his laptop until I get my own. I love this laptop so (and this might be shallow) i dont want to give it back so im not breaking up with him any for good. He also wants to work it out, but every time i try and talk to him and ask so what should we change to make this relationship work he just shrugs and says noting.

What do I do? Do I say I can't do this anymore and that it's over again? Or do I try and make it work and try to stop worrying? Is it even worth my love for him to even try to hold this thing together anymore? Almost everybody in my family knows what he did to me and they all say forget him and move on. But how can I when practically my whole life my life if tied to this one person? I need advice and help.PLEASE HELP ME!!

View related questions: best friend, broke up, cheated on me, depressed, facebook, move on, text

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010):

Dear OP,

Hang in there. Its a costly lesson to lose your first relationship with. Again good job on continuing to talk. Get those feelings out. You don't want this situation to blind you to other relationships. Its gonna be hard but just keep your head up.

Take Care!

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A female reader, BrokenConfused Canada +, writes (8 November 2010):

BrokenConfused is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Here's the update he(boyfriend)came over and we talked. i asked him why and he said 'It's because she(ex-best friend) treated him better in public then i did. I was of course hurt by it. He told me that he still loved me and he complemented me tons. Today when he was over all i could think of i should break up with him but then when he accused me of saying it i started to tear up and i said that part of me needs to but the other part of me doesn't want to lose him. I love him and if we break up we could never be friends again after this. I just don't know what to do. I know it needs to end but i want to keep him always. We are going to talk tomorrow as well. Thanks for the help please keep them coming.

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A male reader, Noslonomo United States +, writes (8 November 2010):

The simple answer even though you may not care to hear it is ... In your situation you probably shouldn't be with anyone right now. Being betrayed by both your boyfriend and best friend all at once can be traumatizing. You should be around people you love and trust and spend some time alone to your thoughts for awhile. Then if after two to three months you still want him and he wants you, give it another try, if not believe me it was probably for the best you two didn't work out. You have time, your young and as they say "There are always other fish in the sea".

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A female reader, redlight United States +, writes (8 November 2010):

I think you should break up :( Im sorry but cheating is a huge deal and very hurtful as hard as you try to forgive and forget you wont. Sucks im sorry :(

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

I hate to say this, but he is your boyfriend, not a husband, and there are some important and painful lessons to be learned.

First of all, place value on yourself. He didn't, you need to. This is not about you, it is about him, it is selfish and uncaring behavior.

Second of all, move on with your life, without him, but don't forget him. He needs to learn that lesson, that even people who love him won't put up with him crapping all over them.

Thirdly, your life is not defined by this guy, and will never be defined by "a guy". You need to move on, without him, to learn that as well.

Fourthly, if he would cheat on you when you have been together only so long, and with your "friend", then he will do a lot more if you let him stay in the relationship and stay with him.

Finally, if you were married for 7 years, I'd give different advice, but that is the difference between "married" and "dating".

Find someone who cares about you more than this.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

Dear OP,

Def sounds heart breaking. I am terribly sorry that this happened to your relationship. I have never been cheated persay but I did find myself in a similar situation myself with my current gf(alcohol was mixed in). Kind of where Im pulling my advice from so jfyi. Firstly I'd say try relaxing. Don't think about about his status msg or anything. Yeah of course he is depressed he got caught. I don't why he didn't tell you himself that's the first little flag I'd have with this situation. 2nd. Realize it was your expectations of him that he would up hold the relationship. 3rd. You need to talk to him to get more clouser. Talking him gonna be great and all. Its gonna be hard.

First tell him everything you feel. Say "When you did this I felt this" Make sure he knows this is how you felt. His reactions to how he made you feel will(i think) say a lot to his intentions with you. Make sure to hit on the fact that he didn't tell you and that it was your friend that told you.

If it was me I'd listen to a few key words/phrases. I'd be listening for why? Try to reconstruct the situation to see it thru his eyes. It will hurt but if you can get what he was thinking it will give you a better understanding if he is a keeper or if the relationship is worth fixing.

You don't want to end on a loss of trust in a relationship. Your next relationships will suffer from it. Having that doubt in your mind will dismantel things. Don't pretend, share your feelings and get it all out ther.

If he is willing to work with you to help reconstruct your trust in him and eventually a relationship I say go for it. But you need to make the call. Make sure its what you want to do. Trust yourself. Make sure you get your feelings out ther.

Best of Luck!! xoxo

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A female reader, Battista United Kingdom +, writes (8 November 2010):

I have to say your family are right about this. They are there to offer you support and help; they love you and they want to see you happy. If my sister was in your situation I would say that she should move on as well.

Your bf has broken your trust and betrayed you. Relationships when you are young and carefree should be fun and enjoyable, not hard work and tears. You need to move on and find someone who will treat you properly, not someone who will cheat on you with your best friend. There is no way at al to justify that sort of behaviour; they both knew it was completely wrong, yet still went ahead. I don't think your bf deserves a second chance. So what if he was sad and depressed. Did he think about how sad and depressed you would feel when he cheated on you? Of course not, or at least, not enough to stop what he was doing.

A second point is this; you say that practically your whole life is tied to this person. That is not healthy. Of course you should be close but you shouldn't live your whole life around someone. Of course I know how it feels when you are completely in love with someone- you can't imagine living without them- but I don't think this guy has shown you enough respect to earn that privilege. The initial pain will be bad, of course, but you will soon realise that there are plenty of people out there who will treat you properly. You don't need to deal with what he's done, and you shouldn't. Listen to your family, get them to give you lots of hugs, chocolates and tissues, and move on.

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