A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in my 40s. Been with my partner for 20 years and married for 17. We have a 15 year old daughter.My wife hasn't wanted a physical relationship with me for a long time. It's been around 10 years since we had sex. She has made comments in the past claiming that she likes sex, just not with me, and that the sex wasn't great.I suppose, over time, I asked to this sexless relationship. However, in 2018 my job was transferred and I started working with a new team including a female member of staff that I didn't know too well. She and I began to get to know each other better and got along really well. Then, on a works night out, we flirted, took things further and had sex, which was fantastic. We continued for a while, mainly as it was good and because she was also unhappy in her relationship. She has since split from her partner. She didn't want to be the single person in this affair so tried to stop. It seems, though, that we've fallen for each other. She makes me so happy and I do the same for her. And our physical relationship is sensational.Unfortunately, my wife became suspicious and called me out on it a few days ago. I left the house as I just needed to get away. Now I don't know what to do. My wife is mad at me, understandably. My daughter is disappointed with me and hasn't spoken to me, and my 'lover' has distanced herself as she feels I should try to fix my marriage and she doesn't feel ready to be with me right now (she has experienced an awful family tradegy which has overshadowed a lot of stuff). What should I do? I love my lover and my wife. But I'm not sure I can return to a sexless marriage and I'm not sure my wife can change how she feels about me.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 January 2020):
 I think WiseOwlE pointed out a fair point, there is USUALLY a reason as to why sex stops in a marriage or relationship. Especially if it was working fine for 10 years.
"Bad"/boring sex, cheating, medical issues, lack of romance, hygiene, focus on the partner (both ways here) or past trauma.
Not saying this is ALL your fault it stopped, but WiseOwlE is right in pointing out that there usually is a reason.
And if that reason was a "end" to all sex 10 years ago, with no attempts to figure out if there WERE any way to rekindle it or work on it together, what made you stay in a sex-less marriage? And why was those reason valid UP UNTIL you met your "lover"? and then no longer valid?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2020): I think people might be missing a point here. You survived a sexless-marriage for 10 years. Not once did you and your wife seek professional therapy or any sort of counseling?
I'm far from naive, you get cut-off when there's something that happened in the marriage that she either cannot forgive, or it's for medical reasons. I don't think you stuck around out of the goodness of your heart, or just for you daughter. You can still see your daughter after a divorce.
We're all groping around in the dark; but you may know more than you've let-on. I suggest you consider divorce and out this to rest. If she doesn't need sex and intimacy; perhaps you don't need her either.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (6 January 2020):
 10 years without sex is a very long time so I don't think any of us here would blame you for wanting out of the marriage. Your wife's remarks were hurtful. The two of you should have sat down then and discussed what both of you wanted/needed/were willing to work on or else call it quits. Apparently the two of you didn't talk things out any further and things just kept going along the way they did. Honestly OP, if your wife didn't want sex and wasn't open to allowing you to seeking it elsewhere, you should have left. Cheating was NOT the answer.
Its too late for the coulda/woulda/shouldas now. Talk to your wife. If you can't try to go to a professional and figure out what the two of you want. Its not fair to be in a sexless marriage...its actually rather cruel and your wife isn't too smart if she doesn't realize that men want and need sex and just because she doesn't want it means that you can't have it. I just don't agree with the cheating.
Your daughter is hurt/angry. I'm sure she doesn't know about you and your wife and no sex. She's going to take your wife's side. Don't be angry at her for that but TRY to talk to her. She's not a child and she is old enough that you can at least explain some of it to her. You don't want to lose your daughter over this. Make it right with her.
Your lover? I don't think she wants any part of this mess. She's really not someone you can rely on and if you decide you want out, you should get everything straightened out before you see ANYONE.
I feel sorry for you OP to a degree, I really do. The last 2 years of my marriage were like yours. My ex husband was an alcoholic and we had not been intimate in over 3 years. I begged my husband to get help and he wouldn't. I was only 40 and the idea of being married to an alcoholic and never having sex just wasn't for me. I got a divorce. I was much happier.
Just get your head on straight apologize to those you have hurt and figure out what is going on with your marriage. Don't stay in a sexless marriage though...that's not acceptable. If your wife really doesn't want you then its time to end things and move on.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (6 January 2020):
Divorce. Why go back to a marriage that leaves you unhappy. You shouldn’t have started the affair and I know having mixed your finances and your DNA with your wife makes it hard to leave but what is the point if you’re unhappy.
Your wife is mad at you. So what. You should be mad over the fact that the woman cut you off 10 years ago. Your lover has may or may not be out of the picture but that’s no reason to fall back into a sexless loveless marriage.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 January 2020):
 Think of your daughter for a minute. What’s best for her?
You cheating on her mother is not it. You and her mother staying in an unhappy marriage isn’t it. You running off to be with someone else straight away isn’t it.
Get a divorce and do it as amicably as possible - apologise for cheating, but do NOT try to place blame or excuse it. Then earn back the respect of your family SLOWLY, particularly your daughter. Do NOT continue the affair. Be single for 6+ months AFTER the divorce is completed and learn from your mistakes.
I understand that you’re missing something in your marriage, but betrayal wasn’t the answer. You need to make amends and that means putting aside your sexual needs until things have been cleared up.
Apologise.
Admit wrongdoings.
Accept sad truth that your wife deserves happiness with someone else (as do you, but this isn’t about you any more).
Start divorce process and stay COMPLETELY single throughout.
Apologise to daughter for betrayal.
Accept any anger she throws at you.
Finish divorce process.
Be single for 6+ more months to learn boundaries, patience and give your daughter more time to heal.
Those steps are all equally important. Please, for the sake of your family, stop thinking about what you want and start thinking about what’s best for your daughter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2020): I usually do not say this but in this situation it kinda fits.....It was your wife's fault.She had to expect this.No sex for ten years.damn.And back when she cut off sex a decade ago she said you were awful and she wanted sex not just with you.Leave the user already.Your daughter will more than not side with her mom.All you can hope is someday when she is grown you can show her the divorce papers and then she will learn the truth but she may not accept her mother is a cruel person.Have some self respect leave her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2020): What should you do? Face the music! You described your marriage as a sexless-marriage; but there is always an untold backstory behind men like you. Who choose to have affairs, and using that as their justification.
You claim she says she likes sex, just not with you. There are a ton of questions to be asked, starting with the most obvious. Why?
Are you too rough? Do you engage in foreplay and kissing with your partner? Do you have a problem with premature-ejaculation? ED? Do you insist she do things she doesn't like to do? Are you affectionate to your wife for reasons other than just before or during sex? Does she have health reasons or psychological/emotional issues being addressed medically? Do you indulge in porn? Do you ever compliment her appearance? Do you listen when she speaks to you? Do you ever talk about your relationship and what needs to be done to make it better? How's your personal-hygiene? Yes, I asked that question!!! Do you bother to make yourself look your best and smell good? Nasty smelling genitals, a body that isn't showered, forgetting to use deodorant, bad-breath, bad teeth, and generally poor-hygiene is a total turnoff! Some guys don't get it! Being macho means tough-guys don't care about that stuff!
Women do! Imagine some smelly overweight-slob sweating, groaning, and breathing in your face during sex!!! Stinking with stale alcohol-breath! It's okay with somebody you picked-up in a bar, for no other reason but sex; but not for someone you chose as your life-partner. There are cruel controlling-men, who feel what they say goes. No-one challenges their position on anything. Heartless-bastards who bully and think that's just being a man. His narcissism doesn't allow him to see himself as anything but perfect. He's the man!
As I know human-nature, men don't like discussing relationship-problems; and we don't like exposing our innermost emotions. It feels unmasculine. Intrusive! Many guys are too macho and selfish to ever show affection. They never lovingly-tease and play with their partners. To make their spouses feel attractive, after they give birth, and when age sets-in. There's the wandering-eyes, blatant-flirting with women in-front of her, things hidden on their phones, lying, and the crushing-remarks you can't take back during arguments. Hurtful remarks that slip that you didn't mean to say; or acts of cruelty done in anger. Angry hateful-words cut deep, and sometime they take root. You have to be considerate and mindful of the feelings of people we claim we love. Sex is a reward, and an expression of love and affection. It's hard to give when your partner repeatedly hurts you, and makes you feel unappreciated. When you know things he's hiding, that you can't openly discuss with him.
I also know the male-ego. The last thing you are going to accept from some woman is for her to tell you that she feels unsatisfied after sex. That is a blow to your pride, and an assault on your manhood. How dare she go there! Male-ego is ruthless, but our pride is fragile.
The affair was not because you are deprived of sex. It was vindication for being told that she likes sex, but not with you.
You had an opportunity to get to the bottom of that. Frank discussion (not arguments) reveals a lot of hidden-secrets. I will venture to speculate that you've cheated on your wife in the past. Known or unknown. Maybe years ago. Perhaps you are the flirtatious-type of guy; and it totally gets under her skin. I never expect anyone writing a post to admit to, or own, their contribution to the failure in their marriage. You want empathy, and everyone to be on your side. I see things in three-dimension, and from all angles. Every-side has their own story, and their own reasons. She doesn't get to tell hers. You get the floor, and you tell your side. Your credibility is shot; because you cheated on your family. Now all the women in your life have turned against you...including your co-conspirator in your affair!
You're a man in your 40's; who just had an extramarital-affair. The best way to express it is, "you committed adultery." Justification for a divorce, even under biblical-law. Rather than considering some sort of counseling or therapy to work-out any reparable-causes that have hindered your love-life. You chose to find somebody else. You're relieved she knows, because you subconsciously wanted to punish her. All her reasons are irrelevant! It's a knife to her heart. No-one has ever died from being deprived of sex. Celibacy is a lifestyle or religious-rite. Ever heard of compromise? "Quid pro quo?" Popular term in our country!
You would wonder, why would a woman who deprives you of sex be angry that you've cheated on her? Surely she understands that a man has needs! If his wife refuses to be intimate with him, what is he supposed to do? Easy! Do whatever it takes to prove you love her and find-out the cause. If it can't be fixed; then consider if it rises to the consideration of ending the marriage. The reason being, because it can't survive without sex.
Before you lose hope. Ask your wife what she wants or would need to save your marriage? Let me ask you...what are you willing to do to save your marriage? Do you want to? If you do, you'll have to seek her forgiveness; and not try to flip the blame on her. If you didn't attempt to determine why sex left your marriage from your wife; but chose to go elsewhere for it. You're not in the position to be calling the shots. She is! It's the general consensus among your daughter, wife, and the other woman.
At least give it a heartfelt attempt to save it; or don't waste her time, and just give the woman a divorce and half your assets.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 January 2020):
Well, I don't see that many options here.
You wife doesn't want sex with YOU.
Your lover wants sex with YOU but not to BE with you.
So you get some of you needs fulfilled from each women and you fulfill some of theirs.
If you don't WANT a sexless marriage, you need to consider a divorce. Because she is not just out of the blue going to want to have sex with you after 10 years of NOT having to have sex with you. It's unrealistic.
So I think you NEED to have the conversation with your wife.
And I also think it's UNREALISTIC of your wife to think you DON'T want sex, even if it's not with her. But she might not WANT to have a husband who cheats on her or an open marriage. Which again limits the options. SHE (your wife) were OK to settle for a sexless marriage and she ASSUMED that you should be too. That it's possible to be faithful and have no sex. SHE might have been able to do so, you no so much.) Which also shows that you don't really share ALL the same morals and values as your wife.
Sexless marriages happens, a lot more than people think. But it's RARELY discussed, neither in public nor between the spouses, it ends up being a "quiet agreement" or "resentful options".
As for your "lover" she isn't ready to be with anyone, including you. YOU were the catalyst for her non-functioning relationship. She USED you in a sense to get out of a bad relationship she no longer wanted to be in. Just like you are now considering leaving YOUR spouse because another woman WANTED to have sex with you.
You need to let the "lover" go. You want WAY more than her. The likelihood of you and your "lover" making a go of it, is minimal. It's VERY rare that relationships that began as an affair, amount to anything substantial. Because it started with lust, deceit and lies.
And then YOU need to figure out WHAT you want. You want a relationship with a partner who ALSO wants you sexually, then your marriage is over. You wife doesn't want sex with you. Your lover doesn't want you either. Because she isn't in the right place for a new relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2020): Right now I would remain separated and try to work on your relationship with your daughter. It will be difficult for her to understand why you had an affair, as presumably she doesn't know that her mother (your wife) has been stone cold for 10 years, and that is a tricky thing to explain to your own daughter.
I do think it is totally unfair of your wife to physically reject you for 10 years and then be angry about an affair. If what you say is really true. And it is more unfair to then blame you for the split to your daughter. I think I would try to explain to your daughter that your wife (her mom) has physically rejected you for 10 years.
Why didn't either of you try to work on improving the physical side or going to counselling about it?
It seems too late to save now. I would not continue with your affair right now, as you are both going through a time of transition. If you both still want to be together after you have sorted out your split, then in time it can happen.
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