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My boyfriend's ex wife still comes into the house every week

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 July 2017) 12 Answers - (Newest, 19 July 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend of a year is divorced three years and his ex wife comes into his house with their High School children to collect any things they have left there when hes at work. She comes in with them and into the lounge and kitchen etc and has a walk around. She has no financial say in the house either. Last week my car was directly outside and my bag and shoes were there with my keys in hall so its obvious I was there and I can hear her from his bedroom letting herself in and saying hello to my dog downstairs who is in the garden and through two rooms and she was making a call too. He was out at work. She stayed five minutes or so just hanging around and got a drink. He said he has no control as the children need a key and he cant stop her. I find this weird. She had an affair and moved in with her boyfriend two years ago and my boyfriend is not welcome in their new house so drops and collects from the car. They dont get on but are civil for the children. My issue is if course he has control of his house. I feel she is being nosey and making her presence felt. I have never met her and would be polite but this feels wrong.

View related questions: affair, at work, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, moved in

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa + , writes (19 July 2017):

Dionee' agony auntHonestly, I would tell him that you do not: like it, feel comfortable or safe with someone that you do not know just wandering around the house.

OP,this could turn very ugly because she's not just an ex,she's also the mother of his kids so she has some grounds to stand on concerning this issue. It sure it would have me really annoyed though.

Also,if your man does not let her know that she cannot do as she pleases at his place just as he cannot do as he pleases at hers,then you will be fighting a losing battle here and it would be in your best interest to assess your relationship and the foundation on which it is built.

The ex needs to be told but not by you, that barging in whenever she feels the need, is unacceptable as she isn't the only person in the equation anymore. If he were single, my answer might be a bit different but because you're with this man, he should respect that you also have feelings and want to set some boundaries because if not, you will have a huge problem on your hands and would be forced to consider ending the relationship because of the lack of boundaries.

I hope that you get what you need from all the advice here in order for you to find a comfortable solution to your problem.

Good luck.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (15 July 2017):

It's none of your business what he does with his house. If this bothers and he won't do anything about it live elsewhere. I would because let's face it allowing your ex to walk around your house is creepy. But he allows her to do this because he still has feelings for her and hopes that if he lets her walk on him she'll come back. It's pathetic but some guys are that way.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia + , writes (15 July 2017):

Caring Aunty A agony auntThis is utterly ridiculous... has the EX heard of KNOCKING? Key or no key there is such a thing as manners! Your car is plainly outside, handbag in the hall and she could have simply called out from the doorway, Hello, anyone home? Lest you be caught coming downstairs after a shower!

Fact is she makes herself at home by checking out the refrigerator, like some people do to see what’s inside your cupboards and you hide away in the bedroom from her as if you do not belong there. You’re just empowering her as she does not even consider you a blip on the radar to go about snooping or whatever. How long does it take to pick something up and go?

I would have thought “after a year” you’d have met each other formally or informally somehow just for the sake of her knowing who is sharing time with her children. Especially since she comes into the house "every week"... does that mean you've been hiding each time this occurs?

If you intend on hiding away you end up giving her licence to help herself, snoop and irk you more and more. Whatever the conditions are for him at her place is irrelevant!

I suggest getting some backbone girl, introduce yourself and claim your backyard. The only "wrong" is you empower her to do as she pleases when manners would dictate a “civil” person KNOCK at the door, wait and be greeted accordingly.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 July 2017):

If you don't live there, he has the right to allow access to anyone he pleases. I gave one of my friends and a neighbor a key to my place. They leave me food or put my packages inside; if I'm not home. You're talking about the mother of his children. He gets to set the rules in his house. I'm sure, if you become a permanent-resident; rules of access and house rules are subject to change.

If you move in, different story. Then you can install latches on all the doors, and ask for a call before anyone visits. Then it's a matter of your privacy.

It would be to your benefit to make friends. Then you can politely ask her to let you know when she's stopping by. If you're only around periodically, she feels she has the right to enter whenever she pleases. She is purposely showing you disrespect; but that is usually because you've show her the same. Your post is a clear indication that there is tension between you for whatever reason. So she will do things to get your goat.

He has not intervened; because he's leaving it up to the womenfolk to settle your differences. A wise-move on his part. She's going to be in his life no matter what. They share children. Doesn't matter that they're grown-up.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (15 July 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Now, call me dumb but I don't quite see what's the big problem amd whay this woman is doing so terrible.

She has been granted a key to the house, and access to it when the kids need to go in. She takes them to fetch their things, and if while they look for their stuff , rather than staying 3 foot in from the doorstep, and no more, as admittely, strictly speaking it would be more proper, she wants to park her butt on a chair or stretch her legs for a minute pacing the hallway , I do not 't see what's so wrong with that. It's not as if you have caught her trying your clothes on, or running herself a hot bubble bath ! They are civil to each other, he KNOWS her, although an estranged partner she is not a total stranger, he is not afraid that if she steps a couple of yards into the house she is going to make away with the silverware ! If he does not get the same from his ex's wife new bf- well, if the new bf is a dick, that does not mean your bf must be a dick too, right ?

If any, I would have a problem with anybody's - including his kids'- improptu, unannounced visits. I might get scared hearing noises, and I would not feel free to wander around un my underwear if so I wished to do.

But that's not on the woman, it's on HIM. Apparently he is fine with giving his ex house access with no particular restrictions- or, most probably, he just never gave much thought to thus . If it bothers you and makes you feel uncomfortable or disrespected, tell him, he may be able to see your point and then it's up to him to talk to his ex and change the rules. Or, more simply and naturally, as the other ladies suggested, next time just go downstairs, introduce yourself, exchange some polite , civil words, - maybe offer her some coffee or tea , so she does not have to " steal " a drink. You are all adults, I am sure you can handle it without the need for unnecessary awkwardness .

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2017):

I disagree with the answers posted. If an ex has an ounce of respect she does not let herself into the house knowing that the girlfriend is there especially when the ex husband is not welcome in her house. She has her boundaroes very firmly in place there!

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A female reader, holeymoley Australia +, writes (15 July 2017):

holeymoley agony auntWelcome her naked and ofter to then put the kettle on

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (15 July 2017):

Honeypie beat me to it! I cannot understand why you would have stayed upstairs while she is wandering around downstairs. In your shoes, I would have popped downstairs and broken the ice with her. Maybe she was hanging around, hoping you would do just that? After all, she couldn't really force the issue by coming upstairs to you.

I can fully understand you feeling put out by her making herself at home in what is (I presume) YOUR home. All the more reason to make YOUR presence felt. If she wants a drink, YOU make her one. It is not her place to help herself to stuff. If you take back control of the situation, you will feel a lot better.

I doubt she bears you any ill will or is doing any of this to make you uncomfortable. She just sounds to be over-comfortable in the house of her children's father. She and he will always have a tie because of the children so, if you can meet and get on, it will make your life a lot easier. Whatever went on with him and her is THEIR issue, not yours.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 July 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI would just go downstair or to the door when you hear her and introduce yourself.

She has made her presence felt, why not make YOURS felt? But be polite, be nice and courteous ("kill" her with kindness) and she might realize that she has NO power in your BF's house.

And yes, your BF CAN tell her to NOT enter his domicile if he so chooses, he just doesn't. Probably to keep drama to a minimum.

And AS it is HIS house, not yours I don't really think you have much of a say (for now) which is why I suggest you "mark" your territory next time she shows up. The nicer you seem the less like she is to just walk in again. Because the less drama will ensue. Been there, DONE just that, and it worked well.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2017):

I feel it's weird too but unfortunately unless your living there it's probably hard for you to do much about this one . Is it long until the youngest terms 18 . If it continued past that it would be ridiculous .

Personally I would probably take the stance with your bf that he will

Need to visit my place as I simply don't feel comfortable being at his place where she still had full rights to walk in on me . If say it very calmly and without any aggression but I'd certainly stick to it until he set some boundaries with her

Good luck , that can't be nice

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2017):

No, I wouldn't like that situation at all. She isn't allowing your boyfriend to walk into her home (nor should he), so why is it ok she does it. He is seeing you and there should be boundaries. The kids are old enough to retrieve whatever and she could easily wait in the car, or at least knock first knowing you are inside.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (15 July 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntThe thing here is "his house". Unless you live there too, it's his and he is making do with the situation. It's not ideal, but he doesn't want to rock the boat. Whether that's right, wrong, suspicious or reasonable, it's up to him and (in the nicest possible way) it's not really any of your business what she does in his house unless you live there or plan to in the very near future.

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