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BF's BFF in love with him and purposely interfering...

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 July 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 18 July 2017)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi All. So one of my boyfriend's best friends is a female. He has only platonic feelings for her and they have known each other for many years. I was excited to meet her and then after I did, every idea I had about thinking we would get along would change. Her "boyfriend" was there. I put that in quotations because she has been telling my boyfriend that he is her boyfriend for years, but only brings him around whenever my boyfriend says he has a girlfriend. I learned this from "boyfriend"... who is fed up with this behavior.

I also learned that night that supposedly everyone but my boyfriend is blatantly aware that she is stalker level in love with him. That night she even waited for my boyfriend to leave the table to say out of no where, "He will answer my calls any time no matter WHAT you are doing." ... Not awkward feeling at all... She was also quite visibly upset that I had met his family over the holidays and started adding family members of his that she has never even met on social media sites (maybe to compete?). I thought asking her out for girl/girl coffee time would be a good reboot after that. It was more of the same and she even tried to insinuate at coffee that my boyfriend and her almost had a romantic past at a place that is "their spot" (which she knew is OUR spot) when I know he would never have felt that way about her.

It has been confirmed that she purposely caused fights between us at least twice - calling him, probing for our relationship information, and then talking him into being mad about something that was not worth being mad over for either him or I. Once she is out of his ear and approaching me about these things, he ends up realizing the problem was non-existant and did not make sense because she tried to get him angry about something she did not have ALL the info about. He sees this as "harmless" now since he believes he will see it coming... Yet it happened twice already. She also has never been friends with any of his girlfriends EVER. She even tried to get him to break up with a prior girlfriend without ever even meeting her based on "not liking how she looked in a selfie of them together". He thinks this was also harmless because she took a picture of him to use on a dating site. I actually am starting to think she believed he statistically wouldn't meet anyone on there, but then met the girl she judged in the photo. They broke up after not too long.

Anyway, the current situation is that she posts things on social media to get at me as well as for his family to see. She claims they are "innocent memes" that could be about anyone even though a "break up with her" meme was posted directly after she extracted some information about our relationship from my boyfriend. He had decided not to give her anymore "high level" information, but did a little anyway. He finally agreed to talk to her after more than just my opinion about having a stern talk with her was given to him. He will only be talking to her about the "break up with her" memes. There are also about 50,000 other posts since that showing in mine and his family's feeds on social media about her unrequited love, songs, how she should be the first choice when she isn't, etc...

My boyfriend truly has no interest in her romantically and I believe him. It is starting to get to a point where myself and a small amount of others believe she is trying to break us up, though. I don't believe he would be "with" her like she wants if that happened, but I don't want the first half of that plan to succeed through her constant interference either. Maybe he keeps her around to feed an ego? They do not actually hang out all that much compared to how she hangs out with people she actually considers "friends". I do not know how to proceed. He says he will have a stern talk with her about the one Facebook post, but I do not believe anything else will be done when she most likely continues this behavior since he had one talk with her about how she had treated me at that dinner. Please advise because I do not feel comfortable with a "her or me" ultimatum at all, but this is getting to a point where I wonder how much and how long she will be allowed to stick her nose in our life and try to destroy things on purpose. I honestly don't even hate her or anything because I don't believe this is personal to me. I could be any girl in her eyes because I am not just any girl in his eyes.

Please advise.

View related questions: best friend, broke up, facebook, has a girlfriend

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for the answers thus far!

To first answer a consistent question of why I am with someone like this is because he made so many sincere sounding claims that would have made him out to be a person who would have dealt with something like this and I am only just now finding out that may not be true. He is also the one who volunteered the information about what happened with his ex, but only very recently after he had moved in.

I actually had not visited the "friend's" social media directly, but it was showing up in my feed (automatically in my face on my homepage when I login). I had tried unfollowing her weeks ago, but there must have been some malfunction in that because I still get her stuff in my news feed with other posts - just less. I have also been put under the impression that if I delete her, she will use this as "proof" that I am the one who has some issue with her and that I am trying to stir some pot of drama. So deleting her has been put aside for now.

The part that was most worrisome (that I have also talked to him about) was that she will go out of her way to call him to start issues between us that did not exist before she talks him into being upset. This did lead to a conversation about what level of information he should go to her with. Recently I discovered that he still went to her with some things that he "thought were not in that category" that caused some posts from her that his family can see since she has now searched out many of them and added them (even if she has never met them).

I have tried on several occasions to have a calm talk and I am at my wits end. It is correct that I am seen as the one causing drama even when I am referring to her instigating issues between him and I by her going directly to him. While he stopped taking her very late calls and texts, I think that is part of why she calls him at work now to start some of these things.

So the basic consensus is I give him the ultimatum? Seeing situations like that in the past has just never worked out for anyone I have seen do it...

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 July 2017):

Stop following her on social media. What you don't know can't hurt you. She has found a means to antagonize you, and you always go for the bait.

Stop taking all her trash-talk and insinuations seriously. Laugh them off to her face. She is only empowered when you get flustered and angry with her. There is no conflict or competition unless there are two participants. She needs your feedback to show she has your attention and to remain a thorn in your side. Ignore her antics and smirk her remarks off with no verbal-responses or angry body-language. Treat her as you would a spoiled-child. Be the mature woman.

Now about your boyfriend. You'll only get his attention when you put your foot down. You've basically been going back and forth with her, and he has written it off as two territorial females fighting over him. It boosts his male-ego and he sees her as his leverage in situations when you and he disagree. You've got to have the balls to let him know that either he makes her (and any of his friends) show you respect; or you're out of here. Mean it when you say it; or it goes in one ear and out the other as nagging or whining.

The other woman you mentioned who left, was weak and gave him no real ultimatum. How you know the details of what happened to her puzzles me. If you knew his friend is that much of a bitch, why'd you even bother to get involved with this guy?

Sometimes guys use their female BFF's as counter-weights or buffers. They are used to dispose of women he tires of. He keeps her on retainer, knowing she is infatuated and a meddler. This may not be true in his case, but sometimes he doesn't realize that's what he's doing when he lets her have her way. She's inadvertently ruling and monitoring his love-life. She's crazy and he doesn't really know what to do with her. So he plays ignorant to the fact. She knows where all his skeletons are buried; so to some degree, he knows she can stir-up big trouble. So he goes into denial. Playing dumb. Always promising to fix it, but nothing ever changes.

Women don't like this piece of advice I'm about to give; but most guys would heed it. Guys prefer a minimum of drama.

When there's an unruly third-wheel in your romance, leave them and let them have each other. If your boyfriend ignores you when you voice your concerns, her position in his life is higher than yours. If you stay, you resign yourself to where they place you. Have pride and dignity as a woman.

You're neither his mistress, nor her subordinate in his harem.

Now these are the personal-rules I live by. I don't let my partner's friends/exes ruffle my feathers; and I don't fight over anybody. Any guy in my life must reciprocate the respect and consideration I show him; or I don't need (and will not tolerate) anybody's f*cking three-way drama in my life. I'm too smart and too good of a catch to allow it. If he's stupid enough to ignore me and allow wheel#3 free-reign, I have no time for either of them. Next man please!

I don't share, and I don't take sloppy leftovers. I compete in business where it pays dollars. Not over people, where it makes no sense!

Now lets address your insecurity about her. If they don't hangout that much and he's not interested in being with her; why does he allow her to talk to you in-front of people like she does? Does he have mush for brains? What exactly makes you want him so much when he clearly shows indifference to his female-friend pestering and taunting you? You would think you'd have enough sense of your self-worth that you'd realize you're above this bullsh*t; and don't need to fight over some man. The situation here is more age-appropriate to someone half your age!

You are a mature and dignified woman in her 30's. This teenage B.S. is for the birds. So if you remain in it, it's your fault you're putting up with his and her nonsense.

Say your piece, and offer your final ultimatum. Stop viewing and responding to her posts on social media. Block her feed on Facebook so you share no info on your timeline either way. If you don't know how, read their instructions or ask a teenager. End this drama. He thinks you're both silly females, and he has no respect for either of you. He's playing you both against each other for his own benefit.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 July 2017):

Honeypie agony auntOK OP, you need to stay away from her social media. THAT simple. You are LETTING her rile you up with a freaking meme! Seriously! a meme!! Can't you hear how ridiculous that sounds?

And OP while I'm wagging my finger at you... because I am. YOU can not go around and think it's your job to police people's posts on THEIR personal social media. So STAY off hers. BLOCK her - or hide her feeds. If she wants to post pathetic and immature "dump her" meme - LET HER! If your BF breaks up with you over some drama this girl creates he isn't WORTH a pot to piss in!!

She is acting like a monkey flinging POO at you and you get your knickers in a twist which ONLY gives her more ammo to use to create drama. You are playing right into her hand. My guess is, she is "smart" enough to NOT mention your name can pass of any rude" memes as being about something totally different which makes YOU look "dumb" for jumping to conclusions.

What I would suggest you do is TALK to your BF and make an agreement for him to discuss NOTHING about you to her, and her to you. Because it's NOT helping your relationship. To be honest? I think your BF likes the drama of being the "chew toy" between two women.

He probably would NEVER date her but he still keeps her around even though she is NOT a friend. She is a person in his life who is romantically interested in him. He knows it, she knows it. So that is part of their little "game".

The LESS you and he talk about her, spend time arguing over HER social media, try and placate and befriend her (which I do think was a good move on your behalf but pointless to keep trying to do) THE BETTER! Right now there are 3 people in your relationship, you, him and her. Because you allow it.

If he brings her up in conversation, change the subject. Make her absolutely not interesting or worth talking about.

Also, consider this. IT's YOUR BF who likes to keep her around. Why is that?

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