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I can't forget THE ONE

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 July 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 17 July 2017)
A female Singapore age 30-35, anonymous writes:

It's been 10 years since I met A,the man of my life. Someone whom i've dreamt of being with since I was a child. I thought he'd exist only in my imagination, but I found him - and we shared mutual sentiments for each other. Unfortunately, we led different lives in Asia and the US, and at a tender age of 24, it was fanatical to have flown over to the US to start life anew.

10 years later, we are both settled into new relationships. But there's a problem: I never stopped missing him, and I've a problem loving anyone else with the same passion I had for Mr A. I visited San Diego just to feel closer to him (without visiting in person), and I miss him every single day. I worry about getting married to my current boyfriend of 5 years, and I'm wondering how these memories could fade?

I feel as if I'm infidel and it hurts. Anyone been through the same?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2017):

It is very difficult to switch off loving but eventually you realise it is only a habit!

Women are especially wired into lengthy bursts of emotional fidelity long after the object of their affections have deserted them.

However it is unhealthy to trap yourself in the past especially when your former partner has deserted you and your name and nature has been replaced by someone else!

It doesnt seem healthy to hang on to the past when in reality you know that if you knocked at their door and imposed yourself on their hospitality they would be subtly signaling to each other behind your back ways to get you to leave.

The truth is sadly that when an ex moves on they dont want you in their company.

A man can only wear one pair of shoes at a time and he has chosen the person he wants to spend his days and nights with and that person isnt you!

It hasnt crossed his mind that this could in any way upset you because he assumes you have moved on too and you are now a rarely recalled memory!

There is an old song with a very catchy line that went :

"If you cant be with the one you love,

Then love the one youre with!"

Most guys understand this logic very quickly and act on it accordingly but sadly women prefer to pine and hold cherished memories long after they shouod be forgotton!

I feel fairly certain it is to do with the expectation that women should be faithful to one man for their entire life, regardless of how many other partners he developes.

It is a matter of mind because you are free to let your memories sail away into the dark night to recur only as dreams from your subconcious during deep sleep patterns.

This ex should be entirely forgotton in your waking day and it is more decent these days to move on mentally as well as physically.

This allows you to direct your love to someone who is willing to return it and who doesnt view you as just stock on a shelf to be pulled out in cases of emergency while their regular partner is away from home for a night.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia +, writes (16 July 2017):

Caring Aunty A agony auntYou have built Mr A. a pedestal to stand on; he is perfect in your eyes, a childhood dream (a Prince) that turned up in reality. Yet you forget he too has flaws like everyone. Flaws that you may not have experienced with him if circumstances where different? Then he may not be so such revered as today.

Yet who can say he has the same feeling, and keeping a burning torch for you? I believe he has grown up and moved on while you insist on keeping him alive as an immortal lover of your youth (mid-twenties). You’ve had him that no-one can come close to walking in his shadow.

The going to San Diego tells me your mind is obsessed to go to such lengths to be near him. To feel he is somewhere in the crowd, that your paths may cross and be compelled to join together again?

I know what it is to be a romantic; holding on to a memory that stood to rob my mind, heart to love another. It’s an unrealistic childhood trance that you are required to wake up from!

Mr. A WAS your Prince and you his Princess... your current BF want to make you his QUEEN. You need to close this chapter, of course treasure the old memories, but without imposing unrealistic comparisons of Mr. A to anyone. This only deprives you and others of what is real!

Best to live in the moment, not in the past

Take Care – CAA

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (15 July 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntOur first love is always special and always difficult to forget. However, if you are still thinking of him and missing him every day after all this time, then can you be truly happy with your boyfriend? Is something missing in your relationship?

You had your chance 10 years ago to be with A. You chose to let that chance go by. 10 years down the line you are both very different people and in relationships with different people. There is no saying you would have the same chemistry you had 10 years ago.

I do wonder that you haven't contacted him again. However, if you still can't/won't move to be with him, it would be pointless anyway. Or would you do it this time?

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