A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I had a brief break up in January an during our break up he had a brief sexual encounter with a young woman (she is about 25) he is 49. He also has Bipolar 2. She is now pregnant. He says he does not want anyhting to do with her and it meant nothing. During a visit with his psychologist (he asked me join as he is in a psychiatric hospital) I was told this. I chose to forgive him and try again at our relationship and will support him through this. He wants to get married to me now. I am scared as I dont know if his intentions with me are honourable or if he will see her again. She is his neighbours daughter and this encounter happended when he went through a "manic" episode. We have been together for 3 years
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear LoveGirl, Thanks for your response. I fully agree with your statement regaring the how men are "hoodwinked" into believing that other men's kids are theirs. I have heard alot about these thin gs happening. I have told him that if this child is his he will take care of it, I will help him, I will love the child as if it were my own. He does want the child to grow up on a good solid foundation as his and my kids have grown up. Our kids are respectable, hard working and well behaved individuals and this is what we want for the baby. He was in a terrible state on Sunday he cried his heart out and kept saying that he has dissappointed everybody that loves even though only his long time friend of 20 years and I know about this. He is worried about his kids, his father and his ex wife (they are very good friends, more like brother and sister and she is a wonderful woman)and I understand this completely. He said if his dad found out it would kill him - he is very old and would not be able to handle this. All I advised him is to keep it quiet for now until we establish paternity, once that is done we can decide how we are going to handle it. The thing is he cannot hide it from them. Its likely to surface some or other time then they will disapprove of his lying to them. The chances are greater that they will then want nothing to do with him. They are great kids and I am sure it wont be easy for them but I also think they will not reject him for it!
I have made peace with this situation although its very hard some days to cope and yes I have a tough road ahead of me. I try not to talk too much about the situation. We have talked about it alot already as it is. We have decided what we are going to do and for the sake of his health I do not want to harp on it all the time. It's there and nothing can change that but by reminding him everyday of what happended is going to make it worse. The house has now been rented out so he is moving in with me. A different environment will help him to concentrate on getting a job now and getting better. When the baby arrives we will take it from there.
Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it. I pray everyday that God will give me the strength to face the new challenges that await me. I lean on Him for comfort, wisdom on how to handle this an strength to endure whatever comes my way.
In the session with his psychologist I brought these things up and she was astonished by what he had done but has advised him that if he wants me back in his life he will have to make alot of adjustments to his ways, especially the fact that I have stood by him through everything I have and not only this. I dont want a medal for what I am doing by supporting him, loving him etc. because that is my natural nature. I would have done it for anyone I was in love with all I want is respect, loyalty and honesty. He must bring his side now.
YES...one more mess up and I am gone. I have endured alot over the past three years with his illness and so on but this is the tip of the iceberg now....no more!!! I have stood by him through thick and thin. He hid me from his family in case they cannot handle the fact that he has moved on after 14 years of divorce....and I accepted that but I have told him that and all the other things I have gone through with him will NOT be part of our future together. I will walk away for good this time!
Thanks again for your support and advice. Have a wonderful, blessed day.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): Okay OP and IAHTH: Enough of the tit for tat comments! It's now getting out of hand!
The reality is this:
-The OPs "fiance" is suffering from a bipolar condition
- during the time he and the OP broke up he had sex with his neighbour
- he has now reconciled with the OP
- the neighbour is now pregnant
- this man is now hospitalised and seeking proper treatment for his medical condition
- DNA/paternity issue: This man wants paternity to be established. He has every right to insist for this test. The facts are startling in some cases: up to 30/40% of men are raising other men's kids. Basically meaning they were hoodwinked into believing that the kid is theirs.
- if the paternity test confirmed that he is the father, he wants to uphold his end by providing for the kid and will acknowledge being the father: Kudos to him!
- he wants nothing more to do with the neighbour: that is his right as well. (FWB?/random one night stand?) 2 consenting adults had sex. Now she's pregnant . He wants to be a father to the kid but want nothing to do with its mother. This happens. Often. Even read similar stories here on DC!
- OP wants to stand by her man: supporting him emotionally and with his medical condition and will also accept the kid, if it is her man's.
SO what happens now: WE WAIT! Well actually the OP and her man wait and then establish paternity and so forth!
The OPs "only" crime: loving and believing the man she is in love with! Right or wrong choice should not be debatable: this man has done "wrong" by getting his neighour pregnant, he wants to parent/provide/acknowledge the kid if it is his. I have actually read of worse situations here on DC without much judgement or fanfare. In fact many have gotten away with much more vile behaviour and have/were not taken to task (well, actually sometimes my comments are the only "nasty" ones!)
OP make peace with your situation. If u decide that u want to support him and marry him one day, then do so. It is Not an easy road: don't be foolish to think otherwise!
OP, in ALL that u do: put God first. He will not let u down, he is Soverign. He WILL honour you. Don't be "nasty" to the Neighbour: just let her be. You don't have to justify yourself or please anyone. This road is a very hard one with challenges hitting you from All sides: the medical problems and the baby will have to be priority. The rest of the issues can just wait.
Good luck: you need it hun! That man of yours doesn't know what he almost lost( meaning YOU). He should appreciate you, respect you and protect you. He doesn't know just how blessed he is by having you in his life. Tell him one more mess up and you will be gone: forever, without a backward glance.
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs I said "first hand experience allows me to make comments" she is a neighbour and we know all there is to know about her. I was not aware that this was a forum to give people the ability to judge others!!!! Perhaps it was a mistake to post!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear "I am here to help you" firstly you dont know the situation we are dealing with so please dont be too quick to judge. And your comment is uncalled for. I am not making unfounded statements about this woman - first hand experience allows for that. Men are always seen in the light as the one who is wrong and the woman is aloways right. Well being a woman, I beg to differ and not only because he is my boyfriend. I have seen this time and time again. People should stop always running men down when these things happen and start looking at the bigger picture. Woman can be very cruel. They think they can rule the world with their bodies!!! She told him she was taking birth control....now shes pregnant???? That leaves one question - was she out to catch him??? I think so!! And with her reputation one must wonder if it is in fact his child. I am not denying that he was also irresponsible but why should he take all the blame now because he wants to wait for paternity tests and because he is a man.... Tell me something do you by any chance hate men for some reason?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi LoveGirl, I must say you are actually one person I can spend a lot of time talking to. Your answer is great and helpful Thank you.
He was discharged on Wednesday (14/3)
What we are trying to do is to rent the house out to someone and move away. This is in our best interests at this stage. They have now included other people in the neighbourhood in this debacle and my boyfriend is now receiving messages on his cell phone from them too e.g "You can run but you cant hide" and things like that simply because he does not respond to their constant messaging. Last night while we were having dinner she sent him a message "can you help me out" meaning can he go and have sex with her. This makes me want to hurt her. He ignores it then she sends him another message saying she thinks she must abort the child as her mother calls her a whore and everybody is against her because of this baby/pregnancy. This is how it goes on all day! We have to get away there!
The meds seem to be working he is alot calmer and alert. The thing is he has been seeking help for about 20 years and everytime he has been misdiagnosed, with depression or a wrong diet etc. up to about 5 months ago but this doctor gave him meds that did not work. He continued to seek help and found out about this hospital and decided, after he was retrenched, that he would admit himself to see this fantastic psychiatrist before he looks for another job. This has affected his job in such a way that in 3 years that I have been with him he has had 5 jobs. He never really divulged his illness or anything to that affect to anyone at his workplaces and was off alot too. This is not really like him as he is quite a responsbile person. This is why I cannot understand this erratic behavior with this neighbour issue.
With regards to the marraige as much as I want to do this as soon as possible my pastor has advised we seek counselling before hand as the risk factor is too big at this stage.
Well she is now 6 weeks and 4 days according to her. Last night in an sms she stated that the baby is moving quite a bit now. I remember feeling movement at about 10 to 12 weeks only, so I dont know whats really going on. I must be honest with you I have no idea what "baby mamma drama" is.
I am trying to concentrate on the medical issue. Let me be very honest I have no idea how my children, his children, my family or his family will react to this, in fact I am petrified. Anyway I will cross that bridge when I get to it. LoveGirl everyday I get up nd come to work I have this knot in my tummy, I feel anxious and emotional. I walk most of the day with a lump in my throat. I am battling to deal with this. I have developed 2 fever blisters, cannot really eat and feel nauseous most of the time. Last night I had about an hour sleep. I am emotionally and physically exhausted by all this right now! I am terribly sad at what has happened. I am in constant fear something might happen during the day while I am at work, although he has assured me nothing will.
Im starting to cry and cannot let that happen at work. Take care and hope to hear from you again LoveGirl. Thanks again:)
Thanks for letting me get this out, you have no idea what your messages mean to me. It is sometimes best to speak to an outside party who does not know either of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): OP thank you for the update and clarity:
- I am glad you have spoken to your Snr Pastor: it is good that you have decided to get wise counsel.
- the dysfunctional neighbours: reads like a nightmare. 1. Can you avoid them at all? 2. Understanding their dysfunctional family dynamics- seems like their entire family unit is "problematic", so it means that this young woman grew up with dysfunction and currently is living the same life she has always been exposed to. This is what she has known all her life! So if you cannot avoid her and her family then learn to tolerate them because their situation/behaviour is not going to change.
- his BiPolar: yep that hospital has the best medical practitioners (including clinical psycologists etc) . I am glad the Meds seem to be working. If he takes them religiously , u will note a dynamic change in him. Why did he leave it for so long before seeking medical help? Was he in denial?
- his work situation? Is he still able to work effectively? Is his employer aware of his medical condition? An extended sick leave?
- your marriage Option: he may have wanted to marry you previously but obviously there were issues to be dealt with. Why not wait a bit now? What do u have to lose? While he is in hospital he does need your support. Later once he is discharged you Both can make plans. Do not now rush to get married just bec u have to put on a front For his neighbours. Wait until June at least: that's just 3 months away.
- his low sperm count and the possibility/probability that he is not the father: that may be the best news bec realistically a dysfunctional mother and a medically unfit father? What a combination!
- Baby Mamma drama: you have heard stories before. Trust me, you want to avoid this as much as possible.
OP u may think I was very harsh But you need to understand that there are 3 sides to every story.
Right now I think you need to focus on the medical issues and take the pregnancy issue as it progresses.
Isn't it sad that their sexual situation has impacted your life so, in fact thus far it has been negative. People do not care/understand that their actions have consequences and that they hurt the very people they claim to love.
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi LoveGirl, Thank you for your in depth answer. I am not running her down by what I think she is but by what I have seen for myself.My comments here come from the mouth of a trained clinical psychologist who herself told me that a manic episode can cause people with Bipolar to act in these ways, I have also read up about it on the internet. On top of that the fact that I had broken up with him, he was lonely, desperate for company etc. I am not blaming her alone for this and I have told him he is as much to blame and that I am disappointed in him. We do know that her circusmstances are of such a nature that if we sought legal assistance we will most likely get the child. The manic episode took place before the went to hospital (about 7 weeks ago) he only went to hospital a week ago. Besides that he has seen so many doctors to help him and has been on so many different medications. His new Psychiatrist has now prescribed meds that seem to be working. I am not saying she is a whore but what I am saying her reputation is not good. Her mother confessed that she has been on drugs and is involved with foreign drug users as well. Living next door to them is a nightmare, the constant screaming an fighting is unbearable an all one can hear is the her baby screaming and then she screams at the poor baby. Its a circus, so yes we are aware of the circumstances, her mother has not failed to mention anything. I know what he did was wrong and I am not justfying his behaviour because I love him. He is accountable for this child, if it is his. He is now getting all kinds of threatening messages from them. I certainly dont think that I should be targeted here, I am not the one who made this happen....I merely seeking opinions about the stiuation. I have contacted my Snr Pastor at church with regards to this and perhaps he can shed some light on the action to take from here. We will both go and see him.
My boyfriend has wanted to marry me in the past, why would his intentions be different now? I broke it off as I was going through a time where I could not take his moods, depression etc any longer. I have a very pressurised job and the stress was getting to me so I took a break and I explained this to him. He did not want to break it off with me. Please understand that they are BOTH to blame but the way this whole issue is being handled is totally out of control. If I may add he had an operation years ago on his testicles and the doctor at that time told him he would not be able to have anymore children. He went and had fertility tests done after she told him and the results were that he has a very low sperm count, too low to conceive a child! Although this is what he was told, he is still willing to find out the paternity of this baby once it is born.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): He really has done a number on you didn't he? You actually now are projecting all blame on his neighbours daughter who has one illigitimate kid and another on its way? Wow, so having a kid out of wedlock makes her a whore?/unworthy of dignity?/ a second class citizen? I think u need to really dig deep and question your own value system.
So he has bipolar... Does this give him a right to impact another persons life to such an extent yet feel nothing about her predicament? Hun u are in denial. Yes he did not cheat BUT no one forced him to have sex with her. He saw a young woman and he had his dessert. Bi polar or no bi polar, this man is Not accountable for his actions. He has you now looking at this woman as a second class citizen. And you have! What gives YOU the right to judge her? Do u know her circumstances? Yes its so easy to see her as your enemy but hey, you have to focus on someone other than your own better half. In this way he gets away with anything he has done.
Listen to me: being bi polar is a treatable medical condition. With Meds people lead a normal life so they cannot use this medical condition to excuse their wrongful behaviour. I hate when people just throw around the word bipolar to get them out of situations.
So you and this man want Custody of this kid when its born: what qualifies you both? If his bipolar is so bad then no court /social worker will leave an innocent in his incapable hands. Actually then this baby should be kept very far away from this unstable man.
Does a manic situation make you want to have sex? Does a manic situation make you want to hook up with your neighbours daughter?
You are from SA: if you are in the JHB region then I know in which hospital he is (that's the very well known affiordable clinic/hospital that has excellent doctors and treatment. My SIL is a professional and she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (hospitalised for a month). Our family has had quite intense interaction with bipolar people and I can say this without any fear of contradiction: this medical condition is treatable. Correct Medication ensures that the patient's condition is monitored and evaluated thus ensuring a "normal" lifestyle. So I beg to differ on the "manic" episode.
OP u may feel that I am unfairly highly critical of your man but I interact With a person who has been diagnosed with bipolar on a daily basis. I hate when people use this condition to their own advantage.
Bottomline in your situation: he made a young woman pregnant. He is almost 50. Between the 2 of you , there are 6 kids, add a 7th soon. He now wants to marry you. Why? Bec he's scared he will lose you? Bec he now wants to do the right thing? He feels he owes it to you? He wants to save face? A piece of paper does not a marriage make. Its actions and its how you deal with situations that determine whether you are "marriage material" . Thus far your man has gotten away with murder bec now you are focusing all your pent up emotions on the other woman. I am hoping for your sake its another mans baby Or else your nightmare is just beginning. Why rush into marriage? U don't need that to solidify a union.
If the kid is his then I'm glad he wants to be accountable: don't fool yourself into thinking u can take it from its mother. You are just courting trouble. This young woman and your man will always be linked with this kid and u know all about baby mamma drama, don't you?
Choices. Actions. Consequences.
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all thank you for your responses. He and I have been in a relationship since 2008. We were engaged to be married in December 2010. Unfortunately with his moods (illness)and work pressures from both sides it played a role in us experiencing problems thus leading to this brief break up.We have always had contact even when we broke up.When we decided to get back together he told me about this sexual encounter with her. I cannot hold it against him - we broke up! He wants the baby but wants a paternity test done first to confirm paternity. She does not have a good reputation and already has another illegitimate child running around that she has no patience with. If it is his child we plan to fight for custody as the living conditions are not suitable for a child. I have 4 grown children and he has 2. He is not running from his responsibilities but wants to make sure it is his. Perhaps I shud have been more clear.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 March 2012):
 I have a bad feeling about this. I feel that his being bipolar is considered to sort of excuse his having slept with other woman, and then his leaving her and the baby all alone by themselves. He could some nasty thing to you, and then claim he did it because he's bipolar.
I don't like this. No, no.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): Does he have honourable intentions? He's in a psychiatric hospital, probably because he's not in his right state of mind, not capable of making rational decisions at this time.
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 Well of course he will see her - they're NEIGHBORS! He will see her, you will see her. You will see their kid regularly. and it's going to be a constant reminder of what he did. If he wants nothing to do with his baby, how honorable of a man could he possibly be? How honorable is it for a 49 year old to sleep with his 25 year old neighbor? Manic depression is a BS excuse. If you want to gauge how honorable he is, look at his actions and how he solves his issues.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 March 2012):
 I would be worried because what happens if YOU got pregnant? And the fact that gives doesn't give a darn about knocking some girl up.
A BABY - a little human being was created whether he likes it or not, it's part of him.
Honestly, I'd run and run far and fast.
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female
reader, Vaultkeeper2222  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 Marriage should be entered into for the right reason, and there is only one right reason - they love each other enough to know that they want each other for the rest of their lives..
Other than that, no one should be forced to marry
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 March 2012):
 I can't imagine any woman putting herself in to the crazy scenerio that you described as this guy's life.....
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male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (13 March 2012):
 So, let me understand...He has a treatable condition that involves a permanent excuse for his 'mistakes' and you are confused as what to do? Maybe I missed something but it shoud seem clear that you're not concerned for your own well being going forward. "What should I do?" you should saveyourself. That's what you should do(in my opinion).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): Hi. If he is not prepared to be honourable towards this woman and offer some degree of support while she carries his baby. Then you cant realistically think him will always be honourable towards you either. I would think very....very hard about a marriage proposal that arrived hard on the heels of such a revelation. It will be almost impossible for him to have absolutely nothing to do with her or his own child. So do be prepared for him to change his mind at any time and start having contact with her. No one can guarantee that wont happen. In fact. To be the honourable man you wish him to be, he would have contact with this woman for the sake of his child.
If you are going to marry him and try to be supportive. It will be a good idea to seek support for yourself too or you could lose yourself to this troubled relationship.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 March 2012):
 LOOK how he treats women! Psych diagnoses aside, look at how he treats them! Do you think you're special? A pregnancy couldn't keep him from, like Boonridge mentioned, jumping in the sack with someone else fast.
Why is it that we take greater care to take time and choose the quality of our cars, or houses, or some of us even shoes or handbags, yet we overlook some of the most fatal flaws when it comes to our partners, who have the power to make us or completely and permanently destroy our lives?
If you have any part of your mental faculties able to shout above your hormones and sense of pining after him, you'll not only leave him, but you'll run as fast as you can away from him, before it's you with the baby and him in bed with another. Do it for your future kids' sake!
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reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 didn't take him long to jump into bed with somebody else and its not so easy to forget the repercussions when a child is involved.
how intense was this manic episode? under the definition for bipolar II people with this disorder have never experienced full mania, just hypomania, and speaking as a bipolar man who has had both manic and hypomanic episodes i find hypomania as an excuse for getting his neighbours daughter pregnant not really that valid.
hypomania is controllable and doesn't ruin your life. mania does.
how old is he? maybe he had his eye on her for a long time, then had a row with you, split up and jumped on to her and got her pregnant quickly. its difficult to know, but in my experience the really wierd outlandish behaviour comes from mania not hypomania, and either way who's to say it wont happen again?
do you see a future with him, and can you trust him?
also what is his attitude towards the child?
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