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My boyfriend says he wants to get back together eventually

Tagged as: Breaking up, Flirting, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 May 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 13 May 2018)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Background story: My boyfriend and I broke up in what initially was in good terms last month. We were together for 7 years, we were fighting too much and became so busy with our own lives that maybe we drifted away. We figured maybe we needed time apart to think if we really wanted to be with each other or not.

After 3 or 4 days of breaking up I read some messages between him and another female that I probably should not have read. Based on the conversation it seemed he moved on VERY fast. After reading those messages I felt so much anger I basically told him I don't think we would get back together again. He said it was strictly flirting, but I beg to differ because those messages were definitely more than just flirting.

Fast forward to today: After 4-5 weeks of not speaking to one another, we finally spoke like mature adults and he confessed he did lose love for me even before we broke up, but said he does still love me and care for me. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship.

When I asked if he liked being single, he said yes because he gets to go out and be free. It's clear he looks like he's having the time of his life being single and flirting with every girl on social media. It hurts to see and read the stuff he posts because it definitely seems like he didn't just come out of a 7yr. relationship.

I'm stuck here because clearly I feel I need to move on if someone just isn't sure about me in their present life, what makes me think he'll be ready to be with me in the future?

I don't want to waste my time but I admit I still love this guy so much. I don't know what happened between us, I know I did my part being the best girlfriend I could be. He says he wants to work it out and has high hopes of getting back together, but I don't know if I'll ever trust him again.

His biggest flaw is that he's so friendly and just flirts with every girl!! My biggest flaw is that I have such a big heart, I'm always willing to forgive... My birthday is next week and he texted me saying he'd love to take me out to dinner for my birthday. I want to protect my heart so I'm second guessing if I should even entertain the possibility of us getting back together because I am still so hurt.

Should I give us a second chance? How do I know when it's not worth hoping anymore?

View related questions: broke up, flirt, get back together, move on, text

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntOP,

Do you want to sit on a shelf and WAIT for him to decide if he wants you back or not? And what if he doesn't want you back but doesn't tell you? Then what? You just sit there and wait? Let life drift past you?

You two had a 7 year relationship at a VERY young age. It's rare. And it usually end with one or the other person wanting OTHER things, growing apart from the other person.

The reason he can run around and party like he has been single for ages is because he is OVER you. He is OVER the relationship and HAS been for quite a while. He just "forgot" to tell you.

I think it's time for you to LET him go too. To focus on YOU! Go out with friends, socialize, spend time with family, work on a goal you have, enjoy working out or a hobby that you forgot about for a while. DO YOU.

Tell him it's VERY nice that he wanted to take you out for your birthday, but you have decided that you two need to go no contact as YOU wish to move on emotionally too. So no, thanks on the dinner.

And then you BLOCK his number and delete it. You unfriend/block/delete all social media contact with him and have a good cry. Invite a friend or a couple of girls friends over for your birthday. Have nice day hanging out with them.

It seems to me that he is rather selfish in thinking that he can go out have do the "single guy thing" and then you should just sit at home and wait for he to MAYBE decide if he still wants you. My guess is it's HIGHLY likely it will NEVER happen. He fell out of love with you, that happens, he is't going to fall back in love with you by having sex and flirting with other girls, is he? Let's be logical!

Take some time being JUST you (not look for a new BF) but go socialize, met new people, travel if you like that, go do things you haven't done in ages with friend and family. Before you know it, you will realize that you are over him too and that LIFE goes on.

Half the World' population is male, so there is a good chance that you can meet a great guy down the road and find a good match and someone to build a future with. someone better suited to this more mature you.

Chin up. While break up sucks, someone stringing you along sucks more! So don't allow that.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (13 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntI agree fully with all Agony Aunts.

You are wasting your life and precious time with this man.

7 years together and he still doesn't know exactly what he wants?!

Sure you're both young, however, after 7 years he would have committed "fully" to you by now, if he was truly sincere.

This alone, should be your cue to get out of this unhealthy relationship, FOR GOOD.

It will hurt initially, but believe me, with due time, you'll come to realise and see that breaking up for good, was the very best thing you could have done for YOU.

Think about what's best for YOU, not for HIM.

This man is simply "using" you to "his advantage" and if all else fails, he can always come running back to you.

Is this really the life you'd anticipated?

I am sure not.

You can and you will find much better, so let go of this man for good and carve out a wonderful, fresh and new future for yourself.

Also, you've admitted that you guys didn't get on very well at all, so why waste another year or more of constant bickering and unnecessary worry and heartache.

Know your own self worth.

All the best!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (13 May 2018):

N91 agony auntNope, it’s over.

He’s got what he wanted, he’s single now, he doesn’t get the option for you to sit and wait there until he’s decided he’s ready for a relationship. Block his contact, stop checking up on him, accept that it’s over and move on to find someone who wants the same things as you do.

It’s unfair for someone to pick and choose when they want someone else and if you give him that ability to, he will use it definitely. Decline the dinner date, wish him all the best for the future and remove yourself from his life. It won’t be easy, but it’s the necessary thing to do at this moment in time.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (13 May 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYes, give him a second chance if you have not learned your lesson. Give him a third chance and a fourth chance, until you learn your lesson.

Stop reading his posts on social media. In fact, block him (or ask him to block you so you are not tempted to look). It is serving no purpose, seeing him flirting with other females. Stop hurting yourself. This is something you have control over.

He is basically wanting you on a back burner in case single life doesn't work out for him (I wouldn't mind betting he won't be single for long).

He either wants you now or he doesn't want you at all. You sound like a lovely young lady. Leave him to his single life and his flirting and find someone who values you as you deserve.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (13 May 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntNo, no second chance, or third chances and no dinner for your birthday. Just no.

He's having fun doing exactly what he wants, with whoever he wants and yet he dangles a carrot in front of you saying he wants to work it out. Eh? Eh? How is not sitting down and discussing things NOW working it out?

Let him go, have a big cry, go through the grieving process and then start rebuilding your life without him it it.

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