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How can I change my life after a break up?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Gay relationships, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 May 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 13 May 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, *effii writes:

I have broken up with my partner of 6 years. It turns out we both want different things in the end. I've broken up with her so many times that the grieving and then getting back together is just exhausting. It feels like there's no end. I'm pretty sure this is the last time we're breaking up.

I need advise on several things; i definitely overthink situations so i need an outside opinion.

First of all, she might try to come back to me after a period of time, by which i will probably be raw and be tempted to take her back; how can i make sure i don't? what is a surefire way to remind myself all i've been through with her, and not get lost in her magical persuasive techniques when SHE wants ME back.

Also, what can i do to forget her and not dwell on what i had? i dont want to grieve for over 2 months like i normally do. i know getting out there and doing things you love and being alone is what everyone says but i want to hear alternative ideas from the typical.

once i've grieved and taken care of myself, how am i going to approach another lesbian?? this was my first lesbian relationship and it's lasted 6 years, so i can imagine i'll be very rusty with trying to approach another girl and starting the whole thing again. i dont know if i will ever be able to start again with a new girl, but this could be the fresh wounds talking.

lastly, how can i be sure that i'll find someone with as good qualities as her? she really was amazing in MANY fields and i cant help comparing people; i dont want to be dating a person in the future and then realise that they are crap in the bedroom - where she deffo wasnt crap.

i know it all seems vague. if you wish for more background then ask and i will reply.

Thank you agony aunts.

View related questions: a break, lesbian, period

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2018):

If you want to hold her off if she tries to reconnect then you can always tell her that you are dating guys now.

Of course that would throw her off a bit.

Are you sure its a breakup and not just an arguement?

Forgive me if i miss a lot here!

I'm just an outsider trying to connect for a moment.

Dont undervalue yourself and define yourself in terms of her.

She may appear wonderful etc etc

but so are you.

Of course we dont get to hear from wonderful you!

We just hear upset you.

So we rush to comfort you: one of lifes little angels feeling blue!

But there is happy you hidden away.

You have your own rich qualities.

Your laugh, your smiles, your jokes, your use of hyperbole which makes others laugh.

Sex is a natural thing.

Even if imaginary future not met yet gay girl is lousy in bed you can show her.

But what if shes not crap in bed?

What if she's amazing in bed?

Finally , I know how taboo some people take being gay to be, but have you any contact with your mom?

I know its just the wrong time to go mention people like that!

But chances are she loves you unconditionally and doesnt give a damn if your girlfriend is good or bad in bed.

Maybe mumzi doesnt know and maybe she doesnt care!

Maybe shes a demon or changeling or any of the above.

Maybe she is the word you most hate.

But you are an angel and no one wants to hear an angel cry too long!

So sweetheart if this is vastly out of key forgive me because we all have our limitations.

You will be ok.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (13 May 2018):

chigirl agony auntQ1: First of all, she might try to come back to me after a period of time, by which i will probably be raw and be tempted to take her back; how can i make sure i don't?

Answer: Remind yourself of all the shitty things she's ever done to you/others and all the annoying habits she has, and remind yourself of all the arguments and the reasons for why you broke up. Remind yourself that people do NOT EVER change, and so if you take her back you are ACCEPTING her behavior and personality as is. That means: you can't complain if she keeps being her, if you take her back, and you KNOW what she's like. So if there's a reason for you to break up, there is a reason for you to not get back with her. Remind yourself of that reason.

Q2: Also, what can i do to forget her and not dwell on what i had?

Answer: Do some personal spring cleaning in your heart and soul. When you dwell on something, something that is affecting you negatively, it is a good idea to get rid of those thoughts. No matter if it's grieving over and ex, or being annoyed at work, or an argument with a toxic friend/family member. In order to get past negative feelings, and see clearly what you should do, you should do some spring cleaning in your heart. This translates to: sit down and have a deep and long think about what YOU WANT in life. Where do you want to be, ideally, and who do you want to be, ideally. Then find a plan on how to get from where you are, to where you want to be, mentally. Just like we set ourselbes goals for our careers, or our savings, we should set goals for what we want to achieve as a person. You can find an idol as inspiration, or a mental image of your ideal self. Idetify what emotions/toxic thoughts you should remove form your heart and mind, and identify what positive thoughts/reaction patterns you should try to gain instead. Then practice there positive thoughts and reaction patterns.

This was you shift focus completely from forgetting about your ex, to focusing on you and how you can become a better person. Which is where the focus should be. Your negative thoughts and dwellings on the ex will naturally be removed in this process.

Q3: once i've grieved and taken care of myself, how am i going to approach another lesbian??

Answer: Yes, this is the fresh wound talking. Everyone feels this way after a breakup, not just lesbians. Everyone. Especially when you are young and relatively inexperienced with breakups and how to move on. I was also telling myself, back in the days, that there would be no one else and that I was doomed to be alone for the rest of my life and that no one would love me and that I would never be able to fall in love again and that this was the one great love and you only get one of those in life and yadda yadda...BS. Of course you will be able to fiidn someone else. Really. There's billions of people out there in the world, the odds are pretty darn high you will find someone else again. And next time you will be happier, also, because we tend to discover more about who we are, and what we want, in realtionships and breakups. Also, we mature relationship-wise. Meaning: we become better at being in relationships and having good relationships. It's a skill, really, something you get better at with practice. That is why, your next relationship will almst always be a better one than your previous relationship. Except, of course, if you keep going back to your ex. That way you will never evolve.

Q4: lastly, how can i be sure that i'll find someone with as good qualities as her?

Answer: See my answer above. This is the fresh wound talking again, and you are imagining that there will be no one as great as her ever. There's billions of people out there in the world, she's not actually THAT special. Trust me. There will be others, and they will likely be even better in bed. Besides, if you find someone charming and you fall in love with them, the idea of comparing them wont even cross your mind. When you're in love, your object of admiration will be put on a pedestal. It's not healthy, hehe, but that's what love does to you. So don't sweat it. Once you're in love again, that next person will, to you, be the most amazing person on earth.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 May 2018):

First; you're 25, or under. This is your first real relationship. People often won't give them up; and get into a cycle of dependency. Characterized by a series of breakups and make-ups. Only to return as the same two people they always were; and fighting about the same old problems as before. Afraid to face the world alone; and being gay, you're dramatic as all get-out. I'm gay too; so I get to use gay-cliches and gay-generalizations all I want! For the purpose of humor, of course. I want to comfort and cheer you up. I'll make you giggle.

Okay, did she move-in the first-night you met, or the next day? How many cats did she bring? Does she have a dog? Oh, that would just ruin the lesbian-stereotype!

We are so giddy and needy with our first-loves. Most of it is being in-love with being in-love. All the fantasies and misconceptions of love are acted-out like characters in a sappy and poorly-written play. Developing the imaginary character that we wish we were; and quoting a terrible script that we assume lovers ought to be saying to each other. Using terrible pet-names, and showing-off for our friends. Usually saying to each other the things we want to hear said. It's pure bliss!

Then comes a big fight, and everyone goes into bitch-mode. The drama-queen rears her ugly head, and says all the most horrid things! We tear-up things, behead teddy bears, and we throw things! We recall unfortunate-events long-forgotten; to remind each other how foul we've been for the long-term. We pull out our vulgar-vocabulary and say nasty words; and toss buckets of combustible-blame on each other, to set each others hair on fire! Then storm off-stage, like actors in a live soap opera. Then the next day, behaving like nothing ever happened; or giving each other the silent-treatment. Pouting like a couple of spoiled little-girls. Slamming doors, and stomping around.

You have made-up and broken-up several times. The co-dependent-connection is elastic. You get only so far; then you're pulled back together. That's because you're scared she'll meet somebody else, or you're terrified of loneliness. Maybe both! Sometimes, you feel addicted to her; other times she makes you sick! Then comes the lesbian cheating-game. Texting and flirting behind each others backs. Choosing your friends over your partner; and airing your dirty laundry to pretentious-confidants faking their empathy; but mostly being undercover reporters for the gossip vine. Word gets back, and you're both fighting again!

Like most first-lovers, you've done all of the above; and you did this for a long-time. You have both matured since you first met. You've become more independent and more self-aware; and less tolerant of each others bullshit. That comes with battle-fatigue; and you tend to get tired of the bullshit. You lie to each other, hide things, and drift-apart.

Over-thinking is a sign of insecurity. She was probably the practical-thinking one. The rock. She had all the strengths you lack (or she has lead you to believe so); and she is good at getting into your head, and pushing your buttons. I would speculate she's older; or much more experienced in some ways than you are. She's probably street-smart; and you're convinced you need her strength, and don't trust your own instincts. She's partially responsible for that!

Let her go. Even if you have to move to the next town. Just stay close to work. Set your goal to find a better job; and/or become more absorbed professionally. Be career-minded. Aspire to move up the ladder; if you already have a great career. If she has all the credentials and education; you're unevenly matched. She will make you feel small and less intelligent.

You're young, and your career needs as much time and attention as your love-life. Too much time wasted on drama and the theatrics of gay-life will throw you far off-course. You will miss valuable opportunities, and may stray from your calling. Youth is impetuous at times; and you miss these things, if there's no one there to guide or mentor you.

Always giving into your ex's manipulations proves to her she's the stronger-thinker. It tells her she has the upper-hand; and she'll just take you back, just because she can. She will keep a lover on the side, play games, and mess with your head. While you're still in-love with being in-love. She knows just what to say to paralyze you. She's the spider and you're the fly; only you're not so innocent. You've got your ways! There's always two-sides to every story!

Set some goals in life and grow-up, girlfriend. Living for your exes is what weak and pitiful gay-people do. The ex sees you gaining strength or showing promise; and they'll try to wreck that for you. Cause setbacks. Keeping you under their heel for as long as they can. You're not returning to her so much because you love her; you return, because you're scared to face life on your own. You feel secure as a couple.

Time to grow up and face your fears. Seek success in other areas of your life; other than having a girlfriend as the center of your universe. Hiding behind relationships.

It's a big world out there; so you need to live some life. Gain some experience, and let love happen again in due-time. Being a perpetual-girlfriend in a long string or series of relationships; is exactly how you lose yourself, and your own identity. You need to be single, and find other ways to fulfill yourself. Love will always find it's way to you; and she doesn't have to be the only source.

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