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My ex-girlfriend's confession has re-opened old wounds

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 May 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 13 May 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My girlfriend of close to 3 years split up with me a couple of months ago. It felt like a total blindside because I never saw it coming. I haven't taken it well. I've dealt with significant anxiety and depression since.

I had asked extensively for answers and understanding of why it abruptly ended so quickly. She basically gave me nothing, which made things far worse for me.

After about a month and a half, I had started to accept that I would never have the answers I was seeking and that chapter of my life had come to a close. Her and I didn't speak and I did my absolute best to forget her and move on. I'd started going to visit my friend out of town more and we were going out. I even met a new girl and went out on a few dates. I was doing okay.

Until all of a sudden, my ex calls me and we talk on the phone. Well this is when she decides to come clean and tell me she'd been sleeping with a married man. Turns out, that's why we had split up. She hasn't dated a man since she was in her late teens (she's now 31) and I had no reason to ever believe she would be into men at all.

She said she had started having feelings of wanting to sleep with him and didn't know how to reconcile what she was feeling while simultaneously being with me. She said she felt significant guilt and ended it with me because she didn't want to be unfair to me. She Said she didn't know how to give me closure at the time because she had been so confused about her feelings also, that she didn't know what to say.

Well this reopens all the wounds I had started to heal. I spiraled downward again, feeling even more hurt and confused and betrayed. Since then, she started to talk to me more and the other night she sent me a couple of sad and depressing songs she said I should listen to. They were clearly breakup songs and they were quite regretful.

I felt like she was sending me a direct message that she was hurting and knew she had screwed up. Then she called me shortly thereafter and we literally talked all night until 5 am. We were sending each other old pictures and videos of us together and some of it was quite dirty while others were emotional memories.

Then she asked me what color she should dye her hair because she wanted to dye it the color I liked best. She also said her and her sister were thinking of coming in to where I work to have dinner the next day. It felt like she was really regretting everything and missed me and making an effort to fix things. I went to sleep believing she was trying to work everything out.

Fast forward to the next day and she says her and her sister aren't coming in anymore because they are tired and just staying in and we literally don't speak at all the rest of the day. And same goes for today. Nothing.

I'm so confused and messed up all over again over this whole thing. I have no idea what I feel or what I need. I don't understand what she's doing either. I don't know if she's just playing with my head or she's confused too. I just know that I feel crazy. I'm pretty sure the guy that she was/is sleeping with is a guy that she works with. So that's an added stressor that I am overwhelmed about. Every time she goes to work I'm going to think about it.

I don't know how to cope with what I'm feeling or what I need to do for myself. I know the logical answer is to kick her out of my life for good and move on. But I still love her so much and she was one of my best friends for so many years before all of this. I wish it were that easy.

I don't understand her hot and cold. And I don't know what to do with my feelings. Any help would be amazing.

View related questions: best friend, married man, move on, my ex, split up

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (13 May 2018):

N91 agony auntShe is a complete waste of time.

My guess is things went south with this guy and she’s now trying her luck at getting back involved with you. She cheated on you and walked out the first time so I doubt there’s going to be a different outcome this time.

If she truly loved you what she did wouldn’t of happened. You will get seriously hurt if you continue down this path. I’d remind her that things ended because of her behaviour, wish her all the best for the future and block her. She knows how to play on your emotions and if you give her an inch she will take a mile.

You’re the only person that can change the outcome of this situation for the better, you know what you need to do. You’ve done it once and you were healing, do it again this time but permanently.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (13 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntYour ex gf is messing with your head and this isn't really about the two of you, but about HER.

She has been selfish and she lied to you, by way of not disclosing her affair with you.

If she truly loved you and cared about you, she would NEVER have done what she did and she would never play with your mind, going hot and cold all the time.

So long as you and she remain connected, she will ALWAYS do this to you and you'll always feel depressed, confused and unhappy.

The very best thing you can do here, is to throw this relationship out the door, grieve as much as you have to and get on with your life.

Do not give in to her or her crazy antics and do not give her any more chances.

She isn't deserving of you or any more chances.

She's proven to be unreliable and non-committed.

You will be fine, but you must first end this roller coaster of a relationship forever.

All the best!

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (13 May 2018):

Garbo agony auntThis woman does not know what she wants in life. Had you mattered to her, she would not have dumped you for a married man with whom, she knew, has no future. Don’t allow yourself to be swayed by her segmental gimmicks. You should go no contact with her, take her out of your life, don’t waste time on her and focus on getting a woman that seeks the same things as you. She is waste of time.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntOP, she isn't trying to get you bet, she is trying to assuage her own guilt for what she did to you.

She CAN NOT be your friend and you can't trust her as a partner either.

My guess is part of her attraction to the guy has to do with her biological clock?

And I get that you love her, but you CAN love someone and know they are BAD for you. And SHE is bad for you. She is toxic. She is PLAYING with your emotions for HER benefits. How is that being a good friend? It's not!

If you REALLY want to find peace and move on, then TOTALLY cut her out of your life. YOU are in charge of YOUR actions. If you keep her in your life you ALLOW all these games she plays.

She isn't doing all these things for you, but for herself.

Think about it.

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