A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We have been together for half a year. We agreed that we would get engaged 2 months ago, but he eventually cancelled things because his family was not home at the time. We then rescheduled our engagement to Christmas Eve.We decided 5 months ago that we would spend the holidays together: Christmas with his family and New Year with my family. It sounded fair enough to me, especially since we would be engaged by then, so it was the perfect context for me to get to know his family better (I know them already), and for him to meet my family (I am a foreigner so they live abroad).The problem is that he has become so lazy, he does not go to work on most days. He claims he is extremely tired and stays home, sleeping and playing Candy Crush on his phone. Sometimes he will spend the night visiting friends and relatives instead of sleeping. His sleep schedule has become irregular, and he hardly ever bathes, claiming he is too lazy to do so.I am saving as much money as I can for our future life together, but he does not put any effort. He is in debt (around 1000 USD) and has been ever since I have known him. He got a loan to buy a MacBook, and another loan to buy an iPhone. Since he seldom works, he has been unable to pay it back.Back to our Christmas plans, he has no money to visit my family, and I have the tickets to spend Christmas with him, and then New Year abroad with my family. But I feel miserable for having to spend Christmas with a person who puts so little effort into the relationship. When we started dating and made those grand promises, I did not know he was so lazy. I asked whether he is depressed, whether he needs help, but he says he is fine. I woke up this morning and burst out into tears, realizing I would rather spend Christmas alone than with them.Last time he visited me he stayed in bed while I was working, and only managed to stay up for 6-7 hours.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (19 December 2014):
Thanks for the new follow up. Like you said, love is not enough. To illustrate this, I made a list with the pro's and cons of being with him, based on the info you provided.
Pro's:
- "he's very loving"
- when you offered to pay for his drivers license he said he'd pay for it himself.
Cons:
- He makes promises he doesn't keep. (The Christmas plans, driver's license, etc.)
- When you confront him about his laziness he lashes out to you with cruel comments that aren't relevant.
- he does not go to work on most days. He claims he is extremely tired and stays home, sleeping and playing Candy Crush on his phone.
- His sleep schedule is irregular, and he hardly ever bathes, claiming he is too lazy to do so.
- He is in debt (around 1000 USD) and has been ever since you have known him. He got a loan to buy a MacBook, and another loan to buy an iPhone. Since he seldom works, he has been unable to pay it back.
- Last time he visited you he stayed in bed while you were working, and only managed to stay up for 6-7 hours.
- He is in his mid-thirties, and lives with his parents because he doesn't earn enough money because he's too lazy
- He doesn't have a driver's license and isn't in a hurry to get one.
- he is delusional about his career chances
- he doesn't have the credentials to get the job he wants and he's too old for an apprenticeship.
Look hon, this is who he is. Or at least who he chooses to be. You're not going to undo 35 years of pampering and laziness. You'll go down with him and you deserve better than that. Just because you're ready to settle down doesn't mean you should do that with him. Be critical. Settling down means you'll be stuck for around 20+ years (or in his parents' case: 35 to 40 years).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn fact I told him we can get engaged when he has been working normally (by normally I mean full-time like a reagular job) for a few months. I didn't specify how many months, but it is clear that this has not started.
He said he is likely to get a stable job at the beginning of the year, but he is not being realistic regarding his career. He thinks that since he can repair electric guitars he can work as electrician. A job as electrician would require him to attend specific courses or get an apprenticeship. But he is unlikely to get an apprenticeship because of his age.
I could not / did not date to change my tickets so I am spending next week with him and his family, let's see how it goes.
He is very loving. But the bottom line is that love is not enough.
Sometimes I think I sound like a gold digger, but I am not expecting him to pay for my stuff. I just want him to be self-sufficient.
One day I confronted him about his laziness. I said something cruel. I said I understand employeers who get foreign workers, since they are so much more responsible. He felt hurt and said "you want them to steal our jobs so that we all become alcoholics" (I am a foreigner myself).
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 December 2014):
 when you said "we might get engaged" did you add "if you can grow up and become a responsible adult"?
if not you are just lying to him and deluding yourself.
Unless you are going to stay with him the way he is, you need to let him know what you need/want from him and you need to let him know that there is a guideline for time whether it be 3 months six months or "until I can't take it any more"
but whichever timeframe you pick you must stick to it.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (18 December 2014):
Thanks for your follow-up. It seems like he's content with the situation as it is, because he's basically always been this way. Marrying him will mean he'll expect you to take care of things, because that's what he knows.
I know you love him but to be honest, reading this, getting engaged to him in any point in time sounds like a really bad idea. You want a man who behaves like an adult and takes responsibility. He is and does none of those things, so you basically answered your own question. Like you said, you're not his mom. I'd stop wasting time with him and end the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI come from a different culture than his, where the youngest child is supposed to stay home with the parents and take care of them in old age, so I am find with his still living with his parents.
However, he is not staying with his parents out of tradition, he is left no other options because he works so little. Most of his earnings are spent on snacks and soda.
After I posted the last message, he kept on skipping work several times. I confronted him again to ask if he was depressed. He still says he is not. I recall his telling me he was depressed, shortly after we met, and he was even "lazier" back then, to the point of staying in bed and not eating for several days. So maybe it is not depression, after all.
Yesterday he asked about our engagement, I said we might get engaged at some point next year.
I hate the "I am not ready" discourse, because I really am ready. I just don't want to be his new mother. I want to get married to someone who acts like an adult...
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (9 December 2014):
Oops, adjustment: I said 40, but that's his sister. Still, living at home while you're in your mid thirties is worrisome unless you have a really good reason.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (9 December 2014):
It's tempting to hop on the "he's lazy and this is how he is and always will be" bandwagon, but your description of his behavior really reminds me of depression. Depression always seems like such a big word, like something dramatic, but often it's very very sneaky.
You start feeling tired more often. You start waking up exhausted no matter how much sleep you get. You sleep in. This makes it impossible to fall asleep at a normal hour, so your sleeping pattern becomes erratic. You quit sports. You cut back on working hours because you just can't do it anymore. Your emotions get flattened: that deadline you need to meet suddenly becomes insignificant. You start finding it impossible to complete even the simplest tasks expected of you, despite the fact you know you have to do them. They become mountains you have to climb and you're tired just thinking about it. Your personal hygiene suffers. You're lazy but for the life of you, you just can't get yourself to do something about it. You get into a circle of self loathing and inaction.
That is what depression is like for a lot of people. And the kicker is that many people start to believe it's part of their personality, while it's not. This could be the case for your boyfriend.
That said, the fact he still lives at home at his age is worrisome. I've lived with my parents for a long time because they needed my assistance (my mom is disabled) but I'm in my mid twenties. If you're still living at home when you're 40, that's a red flag. Again, if he's battling major depression it could be the reason behind his stagnation in life. He might not even realize it.
I would tell him that his behavior is not normal. If he recognizes himself in the description I put up, then I'd suggest he seeks help. Most likely medication to get his brain chemistry balanced.
All that said, this whole relationship is putting a strain on you. And depression or not, right now this man is not fit for the commitment of a serious relationship, let alone a marriage. Call it off for now. He needs to sort himself out or he'll drag you down with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello, just to clarify some of the questions. My boyfriend is in his mid-thirties, and lives with his parents. He has an older sister with a similar lifestyle. She has left a steady job to go back to college, and is living off their parents (because she had no savings). She is nearly 40.He has a factory job, and if he worked 40 hours a week like he is supposed to I think that would cover his own expenses and he could even save some money every month.I suggested I could pay for his driving license so that he can work as taxi driver (he complains that his factory job is very hard, but never likes it when I find office job openings). There are also some other jobs requiring a driving license. He says he will make sure to get one "in the future" and that he will pay for it himself.By the way, he owns an old car that he expects us to drive "once we get married" and refers to it as "our car". But this car does not even start at this point, I would rather get one of my own. It was him who suggested an engagement and marriage. We had been friends before we were a couple, but I obviously could not get the whole picture of who he was during the year and a half as friends.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2014):
He is NOT going to change. this is who he is.
he is lazy, he is unmotivated, he is immature.
getting engaged will not change this.
I would not get engaged to him. I would go have your holiday with your family alone and use the time to think about how you want to extract yourself from the relationship with a man that will be nothing but a burden to you.
He says he is fine. Believe him.
who initiates the contact most of the time? do you contact him and make plans and he just agrees and goes with the flow?
I suggest if that's the case that you "stop rowing the relationship boat" don't call him. wait for him to call you. don't make plans with him, wait for him to make the plans.
DO NOT bankroll anything for him or the relationship... do not pay for his part of the dates etc...
sit back and see how the relationship rolls without you making as much effort. then after the holidays let's rethink this engagement. I don't think you two will be together long enough to get married.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 December 2014):
 Do not get engaged, that would be ridiculous as things stand now.
I agree with RubyBirtle, that THIS is who he really is as a person. No ambition, not get-up-and-go, no work ethics and not a whole lot of respect for you or the relationship.
He is too lazy to get out of bed to go to work? So how does he manage to live? Does he live with, or OFF his parents? I mean how does he pay rent/food/utilities?
And secondly, IS this the kind of man you see yourself with long term? Someone who doesn't keep promises, who makes plans then blow you off, who can't be bothered to get out of bed to go to work?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 December 2014):
 You are hurt and may be inclined to think he does not love you enough, or you are not worth that kind of love in order for him to be so lazy. Only he has the reasons why he is being this way. Maybe he has medical issues he is hiding. I would look into his job history. He might tell you what ails him if he feels comfortable enough but first he needs to know you won't overreact. I would try to understand if he had worked long hours in the past, was consistently hard working and then he had a burn out. He's using this time to focus on himself and it's not good timing because this is supposed to be a time to impress you and to prove he's financially responsible. I would not forgive him though if it's just his personality to be lazy but feels entitled to have fancy things. I don't know what got into his head thinking it's a good idea to be engaged. Maybe he's saying that because he expects all women to want that. He has to know it's not even funny to say you want long term then your true face shows right after you say it. You had high hopes built but and not your dreams are crushed. Don't think about him this Christmas and just enjoy your time with your family and friends. Think about how your life was good before meeting him. Don't let him ruin your christmas.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (4 December 2014):
Since you've only been dating 6 months, I think you're finally seeing the REAL him, not the guy who was on his best bahaviour and out to impress - and the REAL him appears to be a lazy, unhygenic freeloader with a very poor work ethic. If you are sure he's not depressed, then I would seriously reconsider your engagement plans.Even if he is depressed, you'll have to think whether you want to have a boyfriend/husband that you have to support tbis much.It would be a bit different if this had happened years into your relationship but this is still a new relationship so don't ignore those red flags.I would tell him that you don't want to announce your engagement until you're BOTH in a position to start saving for it and he's earning a regular wage.Sorry - but he sounds like a complete freeloader.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2014): You haven't really known each other all that long, so getting engaged or at least making these formal plans was hasty. I don't really know people who plan a day to get engaged?
So he's said all these wonderful things and you liked the idea, in reality he is a lazy, unclean person who has no motivation, no responsibility with money and generally not who you thought.
You won't change him, so cut your losses now, you know him better and he's not who you thought he was. Why spend your life with someone who isn't right for you?
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A
female
reader, Delirium +, writes (4 December 2014):
 Well I would start my saying, do not get engaged. You have discovered a major personality flaw with him and I would be careful about committing to a marriage. I do not know how old your boyfriend is, is he a student? Does he even have a job still what with him missing so much work?There are certain components to being a mature adult and having a stable job is one of them, living with debt while taking out loans to buy electronics is not part of the deal. It sounds like you are aware of the problems that exist and it's up to you what you want to do. I'm not going to say cut and run since you may need time to think things over, come up with a new living arrangement, talk it over with your family during New Years, and you may want to wait a while and see if he can change (although it's unlikely I'm not going to say it's impossible). But do not get married if you are worried about these things, do not lend him large amounts of money, do not cosign for him (or sign a joint lease on a home or apartment, etc). Do not let him make you feel that as his girlfriend you are responsible for taking care of him. You are not.Best of luck.
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