A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:When I started dating my boyfriend, I knew he smoked in the past but had quit. Now, he has started smoking again. I lost my uncle to smoking so I am not ok with smoking at all. Plus it smells! He doesn't go through a pack a day or anything, but it bothers me . I tell him this and all he says is don't worry!I hate nagging him. I don't want to be the pushy girlfriend, or the controlling girlfriend. He is his own person, but it truly bothers me and I don't know what to do. I wouldn't dump him over it but I want him to stop! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2016): My girlfriend was amazing for me in almost every way...but she smoked. I tried nagging, positive suggestion, getting her to try vaping, paying for hypnosis and a lot more. Nothing was working and it was really hard for me to tolerate the smell as she eventually was smoking more and more. She suggested that I start! At first I was outraged for all the right reasons but, out of a sense of frustration I took her up on it. I know it's not good for our health but, once I got used to it I realized that the smell didn't bother me at all anymore and I started to enjoy our smoke time together, especially on the patio at night, etc. It took time but, at this point, I enjoy it and understand why it was so hard for her to quit. I still think that quitting is better but, since we're young, I realize that that time can take awhile. In the meantime, no more problem! :)
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2014):
 Well not to be snarky but "how does it feel to want?"
sadly Nicotine is one of the worst drugs to quit.
YOU want him to quit and he says "not to worry"
you won't leave him over this so, there is not much you can do but accept it. IF you tell him "Me or cigarettes" and he says "you" and then he sneaks cigs (he will) or he doesn't quit and you don't leave you have lost any and all credibility with respect to ultimatums. I do NOT suggest a "me or cigs" ultimatum since you will not leave him if he does not quit.
you can mandate that he not smoke in your home and in your car as long as they are not his home and car as well.
you can refuse to kiss him when he tastes and smells like cigarettes and refuse to be around him when he smokes but that's it.
you can ask him if he WANTS to quit. HE has to WANT to quit in order for ANYTHING to work. IF he wants to quit, I suggest he talk to his doctor about Chantix or other options. I know many folks who have had good success with Chantix but the key is THEY HAVE TO WANT TO STOP SMOKING.
It does not sound like your guy thinks it's a problem.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 December 2014):
 An ultimatum is needed like the one sageoldguy sugests. I regrt not quiing 30 years ago when I sill could. Now that a stroke(from smoking0 took me down 20 years ago, my wife has to drive us everywhere. It's a hard habit to quit and he will suffer greatly through it as will you but it MUST be done or you'll end up caring for a grumpy old curmudgon like my wife has to do.It's the smokes or you and follow through with it! Good luck to both of you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 December 2014):
 Nicotine is a horrible addiction.... and it clearly has your B/F....
The only choice to be made is to be made by you.... To wit: Are you content to have him smoking whilest you and he claim to be boyfriend and girlfriend???? ..... or, is smoking a "deal-breaker" for you (Don't worry... it's a deal-breaker for LOTS of people.... me, included).
Offer him the choice..... "cigarettes or me" ... tell him that there will be no "slip-ups" or "passes" (for "just one puff...") and see how he reacts.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Delirium +, writes (4 December 2014):
 As a past smoker myself I can honestly say the desire to quit has to come from him, he has to want to quit. You won't be able to make him stop. Now that being said I would think that over time you can help him reach that point. Firstly, if he is not already smoking outside ask him to do so. Most smokers are used to smoking outside because of regulations at businesses and in order to not offend non smokers. You are a non smoker, you do not like the smell in the house, you can ask him to take his smoking outside (be sure you stick with it if you ask). Eventually he will weigh the desire to smoke against getting up, missing his show, standing in the cold or rain, and he will be able to fit his smoking around what he is doing (since you say he is not a heavy smoke and has quit in the past that is a good thing, it means that he should have an easier time postponing a smoke for 20 min, 40 min, an hour, or more in order to take care of something else he is dealing with). Next be sure to notice when he has a smoke and when he comes back ask him to brush his teeth, wash his hands, and/or put on deodorant. Let it seem natural, as if you notice he smells rather strongly of smoke and can he please go brush his teeth and wash his hands. Even if he says he already did all that say you can still smell it and would he please go do it again. Throw in a few rejected kisses (sorry honey, I can still smell it) and ask him to go through a whole washing, brushing, and mouthwash regime before sex. At some point keeping up with all that will become exhausting enough that he may toy with the idea of quitting again. At that point be very supportive but not obsessively so. Suggest that he try quitting for Lent, it's only 40 days it's not like a whole New Year's resolution. Be willing to buy the nicotine gum, offer to give up something at the same time (sweets, coffee, anything that you indulge in that you could cut back on. That way he's not alone in his misery). There will be lapses but try to move beyond them without getting angry. If you get mad too often then it feels like you are demanding something from him and punishing him when he fails rather than him becoming healthier and doing something to make everyone happier. Good luck
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