A
male
age
36-40,
looking for help
writes:I'm pretty much down to my last option.I'm a 37 year old married man, with two children. Have been married for 8 years, have been together for 15. I am in the middle of an affair. Not real proud of it, it is with a co-worker and it just happened. There was a spark, a connection, we related to lifes problems etc.Some history......my wife approx. 4 1/2 years ago, had post-pardom depression. We had a new born and an 18 month old. It was something that we didn't diagnose immediately, but eventually did and she was perscribed medication. Upon taking the medication there was a significant change in my wife.....she was responsible for bills, etc and completely became irresponsible. She went from caring that we were a penny short for a check writen to not caring if it was going to bounce. She didn't want much to do with the children, and wanted to be 'free' and not tied down. Meaning to have 'alone' time, to go to the gym (on drs advice) for exercise, etc. Since my job took me away from home not all the time but the odd time for an overnight or two, she thought upon my return it was my turn to be parent and she was free and could do whatever she wanted.To make a long story short, after months of going out with friends she began an affair, with a guy I considered a friend. Not a great friend, but a group of 3 or 4 families hungout alot. I suspected something when I saw her new cellphone bill. I took her out one night and asked her face to face if anything was going on and if so, I wanted to fix our marriage, I would change whatever it was. She said no, that he was helping her get me a christmas present, he's a mechanic and at christmas I got a ton of auto mechanic tools to do stuff at home.Anyway.......I got saved cell messages from her cellphone and discovered it was true. Confronted her, we slept i seperate beds for a while and I tried to figure out what to do. I leave for work at 4am in the morning so the thought of kicking her out wasn't an option, where was I going to find daycare at 4am in the morning. Also all I could think about was how can I kick 'their' (the two kids) mother out and leave. What would they think of me? Plus I still loved her (silly me) and wanted it to work. After getting off the medication, having some councelling, and going thru hard times of reliving the memories, here we are still together. but things have changed and it's not what it used to be. Always wondered if it would ever be.Fast forward to about a year and a half ago. New co-worker, very attractive, amazing woman, we just clicked. There was a spark, a connection, others say the chemistry is so intense when we are in the same room. She was in a loveless marriage. The last 2 years she said they never had a physical relationship and she hadn't been touched in 2 years. Me with my troubles. It began as talking in the morning before work, then meeting for lunch, then so on and so on. It turned into and affair. Not a sexual one, because it's deeper than that. It's the whole do you believe in soulmates. She is from Georgia, I have ALWAYS had this thing for women from georgia, but have NEVER known one. It goes back to when I was a young teenager. There are other things that I don't believe in, but on a deeper level are very strange.Anyway.......we are coming to the end of a 15 month affair. She wants me to leave. I told her from the beginning because I have two young children, that I won't leave. But it's very difficult 15 months into this, because a big part of me wants to. But it's not as easy as snapping a finger and making it happen. She is in complete love with me and I can so see myself with her. But have major doubts. How do I leave a marriage with two young children. There is NO guarantee that her and I will work out. She left her marriage a year ago and if now officially divorced, so when they talk of leaving my wife comes up, she tells me she has done it (she too has a child but 3-4 years older than my oldest) and that if she can I CAN. She doesn't want to give me an ultimatum, but we are 3 weeks into not having anything physical. We are trying not to call or email each other and we'll go for a few days then start again, but the physical part is over and its something we both decided on. She can't do it, because she gets sad and her heart breaks when I leave for home, and I can't do that to her anymore knowing I'm hurting her which is something I don't want to do.I feel like I'm spinning in a circle, a million things running thru my mind and trying to figure out what to do. Financially, leaving is something that could leave me in a bad spot. Not because of child payments etc, but a new house that has little equity, plus other reasons, financially it would be a huge hit which would reflect on the children where I live and where my wife lives. If I had know children, I would 98 % leave for this amazing woman. But as I stated to her in the beginning, because I have children, I would never leave.Can I leave two kids, knowing that our split won't be as amicable as hers was with her husband. There still friends and have a great relationship dealing with their daughter. I know it wouldn't be like that with us. Do relationships with someone you have had an affair with actually work, if you leave your marriage? She wants me to leave NOW and says there is never a 'right time' to leave, I'm trying to figure out what the next step is?It's screwed up I know......btw...I had a revenge couple nigher with someone immediately after finding out my wife had an affair, but for 3 + years was with only my wife until now.Completely lost and not sure what my next step is!!!!
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affair, christmas, co-worker, divorce, married man, revenge, soulmate, spark Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): Have an affair with someone you REALLY love – Everyone (councillors, friends, peers etc.) says walk away, it is not real love, time will heal, it is not worth it - but deep in your heart you know this is the one. So what do you do, you listen to all these people, you do the “right thing” for your children, your family, your career – and what happens? Let me tell you….
This happened to me - I was married, had a great job, great kids, great house – everything was great – except I was the unhappiest I had ever been, life seemed pointless and I was always striving for the next best thing. Then I met her – she changed my life. Honestly, I have never felt like this for anyone. We were great together, related to one another, we spoke, we laughed, we cried – we did everything together – my soul mate really. She really wanted to be with me and I really wanted to be with her but I thought I would do the responsible thing. I went counselling with my wife and decided to work it through – against all that I felt!!! I listened to everyone else and not to myself. So I lost the lady I love and now a few years down the line after all the promises have faded, I am back to where I was, unhappy & striving for the next best thing. Except now I am a worse person – I am bitter about the one I lost, I have become a worse father and husband. I am distant, withdrawn and just carrying on with life. If my wife doesn’t like it – she can go have an affair – I am indifferent. Time did not heal because I was not honest with myself.
What I am trying to say is that everyone thinks they know better, but be true to yourself. Look, in my situation someone was going to get hurt but what is worse – living a lie and giving up a piece of yourself or being true to yourself and trying to be a better person. Honestly – the first option ends up hurting more people.
Not saying this is the advice you must take – just my experience.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): Wow. I think I'm your coworker with a slightly different set of facts. In my case, we met in business school. He has been with his wife for eight years, married for four, and they have a two-year-old son. No history of infidelity on either side, but they've been growing apart ever since he began school. When he met me, I was engaged (no kids or prior marriages). Like you guys, we tried to stay apart. It didn't work very well. Every time we severed contact, one of us would move closer to being together--I broke off my engagement; he told his wife he wanted a divorce. We're tentatively back together now, and it looks like the divorce is going through.
Over and over again, I read about how these relationships don't work. The odds are against us. I'm certainly the villain in society's eyes. There's no sense in justifying my behavior--or his--because I'm sure you understand where the shades of gray are.
The best I can do is offer you some insight into what your coworker might be thinking. Before he and his wife decided on a divorce, he was extremely conflicted. He's about to embark on a new career, which means money will be tight; he wants to be a father to his son; he felt he owed his wife more. The list goes on, but I think you can sympathize with what he was going through. I could as well--at least logically. But emotionally, it didn't make sense to me. He told me he loved me more than anything; from my perspective, staying with his wife was the cowardly thing to do. I wouldn't want to be married to a man in love with another woman, particularly when he was miserable in his marriage. The money didn't matter to me--having him was far more important than material comforts. Having grown up the child of divorced parents, I thought his son would be fine--and far better off than he would be growing up in a household with two parents who didn't love each other. I thought that he was just martyring himself by staying with her. And he would say things like "I'll find you if we do divorce," which would make me even more angry. I just kept thinking, "He can't love me as much as he says he does and go back to her." I knew that giving it another shot with his wife was the honorable thing to do, but I also knew that, whether it failed now or failed in ten years, his marriage was over. The difference was that in ten years it would be too late to be with me. Which isn't to say that I wasn't overwhelmed with guilt, particularly remembering what I saw my parents go through and how much my mom suffered.
Now he's actually getting the divorced, I'm unbelievably scared. Contrary to what traditional wisdom says, I think we do have a shot. He wouldn't be doing it if he didn't think we did; I wouldn't be staying with him if I didn't think we did. But I expect some bumpy roads ahead: he feels awful guilt, openly second guesses the decision, lets me know he's missing her and how painful it is for him to hurt her. These are all things he is supposed to be feeling, so I feel like an awful person when it makes me insecure. I've decided to just be open about it and give him some space during the process. But every day I expect to get a phone call from him saying that he has changed his mind.
What will happen later? We've talked about kids, about where we would live. I know that I will always be vigilant to changes in his behavior that would let me know he is seeing someone else. But I probably would have anyway given the circumstances of my parents' divorce. I'm very worried he'll come to resent me, that there will be unrealistically high expectations for who I am and what we are supposed to have together. I wonder if he'll fling it in my face when we get into inevitable arguments. It's not really his personality to do so, but the worry probably comes more from my own guilt and belief I deserve to have it flung in my face. How will his friends treat me? How will his soon-to-be ex-wife treat me (he says she doesn't know that he's seeing anyone else)? How will his son treat me as we progress and as I have kids? I don't know. There are no guarantees. But I do know that, for me, it's worth the risk. This is the man I love, the man for whom I would do anything. I've already compromised a lot of myself to be with him and would continue to do it because I love him that much.
The worse thing you can do is continue in limbo. You're either going to have to let your coworker go or you are going to have to divorce your wife. It's unfair to both women to keep them both suspended while you make up your mind. As I said, in my case, the biggest decisions were made when I wasn't in contact with him--probably because it hurt so much to be apart that we were willing to make those decisions.
It's going to be awful whatever you decide. And it's going to remain awful for a while. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): I am amazed at how people can rationalize anything. So you have always been facinated by women from Georgia huh? How very fortunate for you to have found your soulmate. It wasn't about sex it was deeper than that huh? Get real. Both of you knew that sex was part of the affair. It does sound noble to say that it goes deeper than sex. My mother used all of these types of rationalzations when she had an affair on my father 12 years ago. My sister was 5 and I was 8 and to this day, I resent her for what it did to my life. No more family vacations, no more sense of really belonging to a "family" just shuffled back and forth between my parents. Karma ALWAYS comes back around. It has for me and it will for you too.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing + ♥, writes (7 March 2008):
 Well, now that you've dragged innocent children into your mess, what do you want to hear from us?
It's clear that you have an inner voice that either you ignore or has completely lost its moral compass.
You can choose to continue to rationalize your behaviour, or you can start to make some tough choices, all of which result in hurt for one or more people. Damage is inescapable now.
If you've never read Hamlet, I highly recommend you do. You will find a brother in Shakespeare's tortured protagonist who dithers to the point of losing all that he values.
Decide on what you value most in your life and get on to making the tough choices that are consistent with what you value most. Otherwise, suffer Hamlet's fate. Good luck and take care.
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female
reader, cb  +, writes (7 March 2008):
No matter what you do, she knows that you are a cheater. You cheated on your wife with her and she is never going to be able to trust you. It will always be in the back of her head that you just left your wife and kids for someone. She will end up checking your phone and wondering why you are late. There really isn't anything you can do about it. It is what Womenit is. It sure is easy to live in the fantasy. At some point real life happens. How are you going to explain her to your two young children. I'm sure your wife will fill them in and you can be certain your wife will tell them that she is the reason mommy and daddy are not together anymore. There is a very good chance that your kids will hate her. You can figure spending about 400.00 a month in child support. If your wife didn't work, throw in some alimony. When your wife finds that her life is falling apart and you are really gone, the anger will begin. You should count on her being a little psycho. She may even call your work, family and friends. You already said that she suffers from depression. You obviously weren't man enough to see her through better or worse. There is also a good chance that you will leave your wife and kids and your new woman dumps you for someone else. She doesn't have a problem flirting around with married men. If you don't want to be with your wife, then leave her. As for the new woman, it is doomed before it started.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): It sounds to me that whilst your wife was experiencing medical problems, she was probably showing signs of a mid life crisis with the way she acted. As is the case, when it is not pricked up most people do not recognise or realise it when it happens. therefore she never sought help and nobody offered it! My advice is to sum up as other posters have suggested where you want to be. If you want to be with your wife and you truly love her then severe all ties and make a family again. If on the other hand you feel it cannot be salvaged and that the other woman is for you, then at least your children are young and can adjust, as hard as it will be. Either way you need to make a choice and listen to your heart, it is the only way it work. All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): I just read on post suggesting you bring the kids into the mix with this lady.
DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T. DON'T!!
TERRIBLE THING TO DO!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): NOTE:She has met the children. They know her. They have spent time with her child.
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female
reader, TELLULAH  + ♥, writes (4 March 2008):
 Your girlfriend is right, there is never a good time. Having been through this myself, I can tell you that it is really hard to start with. Of course financially you wont be as well off. But will you be happier! now thats the question. If only crystal balls really worked eh!.
Is your marriage worth saving? I dont know you, but I would say from your email that its not.
Your children are young enough to adapt, something they will find much harder the older they get.
So it comes down to the money really, and whats more important to you. This amazing woman that you found, or missery and a safe bet. Of course there is always the chance, that as your wife has already had one affair. She could have another, fall in love and then end it with you. This also means that you would lose your fanancial security anyway.
Also I object to anyone genralising that if you have an affair that you are a bad person. Thats not always the case, there could be a number of reasons for it to have happened, rhythmandblues2.
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reader, hello1 +, writes (4 March 2008):
 Well if your worried about your kids, why dont you introduce them too her? To see how they interact with each other. Your kids will be more hurt if you two are still together and they find out your still having a affair with the co worker. Your realtionsip with your wife sounds like it's going to end anyway, no use in kicking a dead horse. So why not try a proper relationship with this co worker?
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reader, unbound88 +, writes (4 March 2008):
 One of the posters on here said "good people do not have affairs with married men and your relationship has a very low chance of surviving your divorce". This is not always true as every situation is different, and I know this first hand. I have known a lot of "good" people in my life, even my own father, who had an affair. They were normal, everyday people with needs and desires, not malicious or intending to hurt anyone in any way. This does not make you a "bad" person - who are we as "humans" to judge anyway? Let he without sin cast the first stone. We are indeed "human" and things happen in life. You are not evil for this to have happened OR to be contemplating divorce. You are a human being who is flawed like the rest of us and desires love like the rest of us and was not getting it at home. Also our society places such a value on "marriage" that a lot of us value the concept of being married over the fact that we need to marry someone COMPATIBLE and not just anyone. Our HUMAN NATURE is to desire love on an inner level and this woman provided it for you and you for her. Kudos to you, for you are a man with a conscience enough to think about it to the point where it is breaking you down. I think you should weigh each situation and go with your gut in the long run. This could be your one chance at love and happiness with your soul mate and you never know when or if that chance would EVER come again. Maybe it was meant to be for you to be married to someone not compatible so when you met the one who actually WAS, you would recognize her. The children are resilient and can recover. Just make sure you remain a major part of their lives and it's also good they are this young because it would be a lot worse if they were older. If they see Dad is happy they will be happy too in the long run. There were some great responses on here. God bless you in whatever you choose. It will be hard at first, but it will get easier each day. Remember it's always darkest before the dawn.
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reader, Danielepew  + ♥, writes (4 March 2008):
 I wouldn't want to be in your situation. Whatever you do, you and someone else will end up very hurt. I feel like none of us can really tell you what to do, as only you know what hurts the least. You have been given great advice but perhaps there's a need to sort of summarize it.
Tuatera is right: you can't continue in your situation as it is. Even if your coworker were willing to wait for you, you would eventually need to make a decision. And that "eventually" has arrived.
From your post I take it that your oldest child is five years old and the youngest child is like three years old. Do you think both you and your wife could sustain your marriage for at least fifteen more years? Maybe, but it seems unlikely. I don't think your marriage is ever going to improve. And I'm fully with floraltemptations in saying that parents who stay together "for the kids" do them a harm that they don't imagine they are doing. Kids do feel that their parents don't love each other, and resent the facade that parents put up. And they resent the lovers, on both sides. And the fights, the screams, et cetera. Also, can you be sure that your wife wants the marriage? I don't think she has failed to notice that it just isn't what it used to be.
Personally, and thinking as a child, I prefer a divorce over parents who stay together without loving each other.
Then, I have to agree with you on the fact that a bitter divorce does a lot of damage to the kids, too. Maybe you see this damage as a real thing, and then you stop to think that maybe you can sort the problems with your wife and spare the children that damage. Like I said, that's a big maybe. And staying with the children is not "absence of damage". It's a different kind of damage only.
I'm afraid that the marriage had deeper issues than just depression.
You said you told your coworker that you wouldn't be leaving your wife. So, I'm afraid that you're not really that much into her. Yes, you resent losing her, but I don't think that anyone who really loves a person makes that sort of "disclaimers" at the beginning of a relationship.
Your coworker is also getting hurt. If you're going to dump her, do it now; don't waste her time.
Money is a real issue. Just think what happens to a child whose parents divorce, first, and then has to live in much poorer conditions than he was used to.
Sometimes affairs do become lasting relationships. But you can't be sure yours will.
Have you thought whether your coworker would get along with your children? Would you get along with her daughter? This is very important. Your relationship with your coworker just is not going to make it unless the children from both sides like "the other one".
Before you consider your relationship with your coworker, you should consider your marriage and your kids. And only then can you think about moving in with your coworker. Proceed as you should.
Hope these elements help you think better. I wish you the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): Hi there,
You have got yourself into a weeny mess. I can't advise you to continue the way you are, with both women and lives.
It will all get worse and not better so you need to start facing a few home truths.
You have to STOP using your childrens as your excuse. Leaving or not leaving will never change your position as their father and it is over to you what type of father you are by your relationship with them. You are continually avoiding a decision and using the kids as your excuse.
So make some decisions based on what you know for sure.
As this continues, your ability to be uneffected by your double life is going to stuff everything up and your going to make matters worse. You have to decide if this women, who is waiting in the wings for you, is something which is more important to you than your current wife.
You need to look realistically at the women. You have a realistic view of your wife, you have shared ups and downs and 15 years together warts and all and know her good and bad points, as does she. If she is now, not who you wish to commit to, then get that sorted so the confusion is gone.
While you continue to be connected to this other women, who you only have a 15 month history with, you don't know all there is about her YET, and how can you jump into this uncertainty. You would be making the same mistakes over and over.
Just stop for 5 minutes and think about who you are and what you are really wanting now. Don't bring the kids into it, they will still have two parent but at least if you start to make some decisions, the parents they have, will be good examples of how to handle difficulties. You may end up being a better father, once you start to focused on some of the important issues with all of this drama.
You need to stop playing with lives and start making some decisions. Avoiding a decision is going to make matters worse!
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female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (4 March 2008):
 http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19930501-000027.html
Copy and paste this into your browser.
Here is a lot of information on affairs and infidelity from an expert psychologist who wrote a book about the subject....if you want some guidance, take a read here
and my vote is for your marriage, your affair partner has for one a lack of character, good people do not have affairs with married men and your relationship has a very low chance of surviving your divorce....sorry.
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reader, looking for help +, writes (4 March 2008):
looking for help is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUNBOUND88- wasn't sexual in the beginning. It was someone to talk to, we each understood what the other was going thru, etc. I did become sexual......likely a couple months in. She's always wondered if it was just about the sex. It's not, it's about the fact she talks, listens, takes care of me, makes sure I'm ok, hugs me, kisses me, just is a care-taker and takes joy in making sure I am happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): Look.
The fact of the matter is both you and your wife are most obviously no longer in love with each other.
So staying together, in a loveless marriage, for children is not going to do anyone, especially the children, any favours.
You'll be miserable, your wife will be miserable. Eventually the children will pick up on this and eventually it will get so bad between you and your wife that one is bound to crack and leave out of anger.
Children are remarkably adept ad adapting ot these things, that not to say it won't hurt them emotionally... believe me, it will, but so long as they understand it was not their fault and that daddy and mummy just don't love each other anymore. Make sure they realise that just because daddy and mummy don't love each other, it doesn't mean they don't love them (the children).
So get the divorce, and don't be bitter about it. You and your wife are obviously oblivious as to what marriage means (I do wish they would erase FOREVER from those ceremonies because it's almost never true) and if you trully are happier with this other woman who has gotten a divorce for you then you owe it to yourself and her to make that relationship official in the eyes of society.
You WILL see the children as much as you do now if YOU choose to do so. Just don't try and force this new woman on them. Don't insist they call her mother or anything like that. Allow them to warm to her on their own terms.
And don't push them to like her, it will take some time before they begin to get over the fact she broke up yor marriage. Eventually they'll discover a bond, it may not be as friendly or as happy as you wold like, b ut it will certainly be cordial (and thats probably the best you can hope for).
It is all up to you. But raising children in a loveless marriage is as bad as divorce if not worse. The pain they feel from a divorce will lessen over time, the pain they feel knowing it is because of them that their parents are miserable lasts a lotl longer and just gains in strenght the longer it has to settle.
Whichever way you choose to go, I wish you all the best and always remember affairs (even in revenge) are not a way to solve marriage problems... as you know they only create more or make the existing ones worse.
I hope this helps.
Flynn 24
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female
reader, floraltemptaions +, writes (4 March 2008):
Honestly speaking- you've gotten yourself in a tough space- BUT.... you need to make a choice, as living the life you have been living up til now is not a way to live, for anyone involved, including your children. While your children are young I understand that they probably don't know what is going on, but let me tell you, while they dont know the details, they sure do know whether they live in a happy house or not. Coming from parents who "stayed together for the kids" I truely believe that this is the biggest mistake you can make, for you and your children. My parents separated 3 months after I (the youngest) moved out of the house... and are both much happier now. Honestly, I dont think you can worry about the financial "hit" that you will take, simply worry about your childrens happiness and your own happiness. This is a choice you need to decide, not because of the other woman, but whether you think you will ever be happy in your marriage again or not. The other woman should not be a deciding factor, as who knows if it will work out with her or not??? If you do leave your wife, you should get a place on your own and just date for a while. Don't be shacking up with the other woman right away, as you will forget why you left. (kind of like jumping from the frying pan to the fire!) anyway- whatever you decide, you either have a lot of counselling ahead of you with your wife, to make your marriage work, or the unknown. I hope you make the right decision... best of luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): You say that it's not as easy as snapping a finger and making it happen but it is.
Your comment that there is no guarantee it will work out with this woman speaks volumes, as that shouldn't be a factor in deciding what to do about your unhappy marriage.
The right thing to so is to take steps to end your marriage and then move on.
It is possible, if your wife left you tomorrow (just as an example) then you would find a way to cope and move on, and manage with work and the kids, so there's no excuse for staying in an unhappy marriage and doing nothing about it, you are staying because there's something in it for you, and no other reason.
You and your wife deserve to be happy and not to be living in such a horrible decietful situation, and your new lover also deserves better.
It's not too late to sort this out, I think the only reason you are even on here asking for advice is because your new lover has forced you to do something about the situation by calling an end to your affair.
Decide what and who it is you want and go get it, if you don't you only have yourself and lack of courage to blame.
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female
reader, unbound88 +, writes (3 March 2008):
I am confused. You said this was "not a sexual relationship because it went deeper than that". Then later you said you did have sex but have taken a break from that now. So how long have you actually been having sex with her? Please elaborate and I will comment further. Sounds very interesting to say the least!
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