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| | Wild Thaing's profile:I came here looking for help, like many of you. Then I started giving advice on this site, and found out I'm not all that screwed up... yet :)
If you want to know more about me, just read my column of responses. I rarely pull punches, and where appropriate I'll throw in a detail about my life.
I firmly believe the following: While you may not be able to choose the situations in which you may find yourself, you can ALWAYS choose your responses to them.
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I love my mother, and want to overcome my deep feelings of resentment that she didn't protect me growing up.
Q. Hi, I'm going to try to make this as brief as possible... Ever since my mum and dad split up when I was four (I'm now 20) me, my sister and mother have been living with my abusive alcoholic stepdad. He has verbally, mentally and physically abused us ...
A. 16 November 2009: "I'll always treat her with respect"
Honey, you're a better person than your mother by giving her a respect she doesn't deserve. That being said, you cannot change her, or take any responsibility for the choices she makes. The best you can do f... (read in full...)
I ended the affair with my friend's wife
Q. Im in love with my friends wife. We have all been friends for a long time now. It all started when she asked me to take her out to play pool and drink some beer. She asked in fron of her husband and he didnt have a problem with it as long as he ...
A. 8 November 2009: Dude, it's time for you to step away from this couple and let them sort out their marriage. Your last followup is hinting at some difficulty in letting go not only of your lover but also the friendship with the husband. The next time one of them ... (read in full...)
I ended the affair with my friend's wife
Q. Im in love with my friends wife. We have all been friends for a long time now. It all started when she asked me to take her out to play pool and drink some beer. She asked in fron of her husband and he didnt have a problem with it as long as he ...
A. 7 November 2009: Dude, the truth is setting you free but you may not think so during this time of grief.
I am so impressed at how you have listened to your inner voice in the midst of all of that temptation. This woman, as perfect as she might seem to you righ... (read in full...)
Should I be trying to move on with my life?
Q. Some background. About 10 months ago I started a relationship with my Sister In Law. Yes I know its messy. We just had that instant connection. Over the 10 months we realized so many things about ourselves and life in general. I have always ...
A. 6 November 2009: Get on with healing yourself. This emotional affair has destroyed a few lives; thankfully the victims are related and can lean on each other for support.
There is so much baggage between you and your former lover that it is difficult to see what... (read in full...)
How do I stop putting people on pedestals and have more realistic expectations?
Q. I often put people up on pedestals and have expectations about how they should behave. Then when they don't live up to my expectations, I'm disappointed. I know it's their life and we're all human, make mistakes, etc. But how can I stop doing this? ...
A. 6 November 2009: The best relationships are based on mutual love, trust, and respect. You have a problem respecting the choices other people make. If you want to build good relationships, you need to be at peace not only with other people but also with yourself. ... (read in full...)
Faced with choosing bewteen my education and marriage. Why can't I have both?
Q. I am confused about my future. I have been in a relationship with my bf for almost a year now. I am 20 years old and he is 25. Lately he has been talking about getting married and having kids, within the next few years!!!! To me that is very scary ...
A. 3 November 2009: Dear, this is your life, and the path of this life is yours alone to decide. You are not married, so that removes a very large complicating factor. I have a friend who was getting pressure from her older boyfriend just as she was headed off to he... (read in full...)
The man I love wont leave his wife for me and I feel so lonely!
Q. The man I'm in love with never told me that he would leave his wife.He pays all my bills,rent and still gives me extra money but,I'm just so lonely.He doesn't spend time with me like he use to in the beginning.He has keys to my house so he comes ...
A. 1 October 2009: I'm sure you came here for some companionship to alleviate the immense emptiness you occasionally feel in your life. Your inability to face and hear the judgement of other aunts validates our suspicions about the quality of your judgement.
Your ... (read in full...)
I can't stand my husband anymore and I don't know what to do!
Q. I'm so sad, I feel I can't stand my husband anymore, and I don't know what to do. I tried everything to try to improve things , but nothing has happened. He feels cold loveless, and passive. Yet he keeps saying he wants to be with me. I don't even...
A. 1 October 2009: Honey, why are you so conflicted? When all is quiet in your day and you let your inner voice speak, what is it saying?
I think you know what it's saying, but like most people, the intimate familiarity you have with your own situation makes yo... (read in full...)
Is being with a drunk better than being alone?
Q. Hi, I have been in a relationship w/ a man off and on for 9 years. He's cheated in the past, been very emotionally and verbally abusive. Recently, he's been trying to make up for the past, however, he expects me to trust him again overnigh...
A. 30 August 2009: Dear, you cannot fix him. Ever. Your only hope is to give yourself an opportunity to see other possibilities in your life. Possibilities that are currently beyond your imagination.
As other aunts have told you, you are already alone even tho... (read in full...)
How to stop an attraction with a co-worker
Q. How do I stop being attracted to a co-worker? Recently a co-worker and I were out of town on business. Nothing happened, but we discovered that we both have a strong attraction to each other and really enjoy each other's company. We are both ...
A. 5 January 2009: Each minute the two of you spend together invites temptation. Can each of you respect the boundary you claim you will not cross? The pressure (and sexual tension) is going to be immense, and while you may not have a physical affair, it's entirely ... (read in full...)
I want him, not his kids!
Q. My boyfriend keeps trying to push his children on me. I do not like children and have chosen not to have any of my own. He contacted me through a personal ad on the internet that stated how I feel about kids, so there was no surprises, he knew ...
A. 8 December 2008: If you are so entrenched in your views about children, then what in heaven's name are you doing getting in between a man and his kids? They won't be leaving his side any time soon.
You chose this situation - no one put a gun to your head. Bu... (read in full...)
Is my marriage over?
Q. We have been married for 23 years. For the last 5 years my wife and I have not been getting along very well. She seems to avoid spending time with me and when she does, there is something missing between us. She has no problems getting out with her ...
A. 6 December 2008: It takes two to work hard at keeping a marriage healthy and successful. When just one of the two stops working at it, the marriage starts to deteriorate.
Each of you has a choice to make: Do your part in the marriage or don't. If either or both ... (read in full...)
Is my wife playing a game or what?
Q. My wife and I have had a strained relationship for a couple of years now. We have been living in two different houses but see each other everyday. Nothing physical (no sex) however we are pleasant to one another. We have had many crisis to d...
A. 1 December 2008: I'll be direct:
You owe your estranged wife no favours and therefore you are perfectly entitled to tell her to do her own dirty work in ending her relationship with this guy. But if you choose to help her, do not consider it an invitati... (read in full...)
Does he have a trust problem?
Q. Hey, I am in a bit of a dilemma with my hubby, we got married a few months back and I could not be happier. The only thing that worries me is that he does not trust me so I feel anyway. He loves me too I know it but I feel like whatever kind of ...
A. 21 November 2008: "the day i stop having them feelings on uncertainty is the day i stop loving you"
That is one damaged puppy. Based on your history with men, could it be possible that you are attracted to men that seem to need fixing, so that the story always e... (read in full...)
Does he have a trust problem?
Q. Hey, I am in a bit of a dilemma with my hubby, we got married a few months back and I could not be happier. The only thing that worries me is that he does not trust me so I feel anyway. He loves me too I know it but I feel like whatever kind of ...
A. 19 November 2008: Furthermore your man has some emotional baggage that predates you and he needs to sort it out. You cannot fix him, so don't try. He is in a denial stage at this point, and has not hit bottom. He needs to hit bottom to realize that he and not ... (read in full...)
Does he have a trust problem?
Q. Hey, I am in a bit of a dilemma with my hubby, we got married a few months back and I could not be happier. The only thing that worries me is that he does not trust me so I feel anyway. He loves me too I know it but I feel like whatever kind of ...
A. 19 November 2008: No trust = path to failed marriage.
Any healthy marriage that I've encountered includes mutual trust as a necessary condition for continued success. Just remember that your husband has the trust issues and his behaviour is certainly manipula... (read in full...)
Why am I feeling these doubts or suspicions about my wife?
Q. Maybe, I am crazy. Recently, my wife's cousin came over to visit from Florida. He stayed with us for 4 days and I felt something that I never felt before, like nervousness. My wife noticed it and she asked "Are you jealous of my cousin?" I replied ...
A. 14 November 2008: Clearly you are threatened by the close relationship between your wife and her male (I presume) cousin. And you are projecting this fear on all those around you.
Be assured that this fear has nothing to do with your wife and everything to do wi... (read in full...)
Is it possible to actually love someone when you are married?
Q. HI: I get along great with my co worker, and I really like him alot. We hit it off on just about every level. There are somethings, that I'm kinda eh, about, but overall, he really 'hits' me. We've gone out and had so much fun. I told him that I ...
A. 14 November 2008: There is one initial question you need to answer honestly - do you think that you are satisfied with a situation in which you will never be the first or "the only?"
Just answer that straightforward question for us and we can guide you further.... (read in full...)
How does one 'pretend' to be happy in a marriage where the love has faded?
Q. Looking for tools. I come to the realisation that if my husband and I hadnt got married we wouldve have parted a long time ago. We've made our bed and now have to lie in it. We used to be very passionatly in love, but love isnt enough. Is is ...
A. 24 October 2008: You dear have issues that extend far beyond this marriage, and have this great reluctance to leave your comfort zone, fearing the unknown. This is the mark of a damaged person, and you will find it difficult to even acknowledge the damage while you ... (read in full...)
Why did he have this affair? What was he thinking?
Q. My husband had an affair after meeting someone on the Plentyoffish dating services, well it has been quite the ordeal trying to forgive him, I never thought I would be in this situation, my marriage I thought was wonderful, he was always there for ...
A. 24 October 2008: It takes two to work at a successful marriage, but only one to ruin it. That your husband believed he could and should deceive you makes him an easy target as the one who ran the marriage into the ditch. Although I said it takes only one to ruin a ... (read in full...)
How do I help him through this? He's married and I love him...
Q. I fell in love with a married man, we are perfect for each other and we have been together for 6 months, he says he is in love with me too. He has not been happy with his wife of 9 years for a very, very long time and planned on leaving her even ...
A. 3 October 2008: You help him by not getting in the middle of his divorce. But that is a bit late now because his soon-to-be-ex will use the relationship between you and your guy to beat him over the head during the divorce proceedings.
What would you lose if ... (read in full...)
Married man 'says' he wants to be with me....
Q. I'm going to start from the beginning...so bare with me please! I met this guy and we started talking. He was in town for business...and lives a couple hours away from me. We just talked, nothing sexual happened. We talked all night long, and it ...
A. 22 September 2008: He is still playing you, and you are still enabling his behaviour. Do you want to be with a coward who has to lie to everyone around him to avoid confronting the truth?
You'll feel better when you have built yourself up to the point when you woul... (read in full...)
I'm 20, and I only feel happiest when I'm in a relationship. When I'm not a big part of me is missing. Is this normal?
Q. Hi, I'm 20, and I only feel happiest when I'm in a relationship. It seems like every time I come out of a relationship for whatever reason, I feel like something's missing in my life. I have only been in three relationships, and only one of thos...
A. 17 September 2008: You can never be truly happy until you love and respect yourself. What you feel during relationships is a shallow substitute for what you really need.
It is incorrect to use words like "typical" in this context. Many people lead lives where th... (read in full...)
Married man 'says' he wants to be with me....
Q. I'm going to start from the beginning...so bare with me please! I met this guy and we started talking. He was in town for business...and lives a couple hours away from me. We just talked, nothing sexual happened. We talked all night long, and it ...
A. 4 September 2008: There are so many other eligible single men worthy of your effort and time that you can and should take a pass on this guy. He is not only damaged goods, but he may also be a liar.
But let's assume he is not lying and ran away from his marriage... (read in full...)
I'm married and beginning to like a co-worker. Do I accept his invitation to lunch?
Q. i'm married and just started a new job few months ago. i'm beginning to like my colleague and it seems mutual as he initiated to ask me if we can have lunch together so he can get to know me. i don't like this as i know it is very wrong. should i ...
A. 29 August 2008: Go with your instinct, which is "i don't like this as i know it is very wrong."
Just be polite and respectful as you decline his invitations. If you have other colleagues at work, have lunch with them as a group and invite him along. It's not... (read in full...)
My wife left me, but now she wants to try again. I am torn between giving it another shot with her and this new girl I am nuts for.
Q. This is long so I appreciate anyone who reads it. I am 47 and married with a 7 year old son. I work as a senior manager and have lots of people who work for me. About a year ago a 24 year old came to work with the company, I'll call her T. She is ...
A. 28 August 2008: If you see a future with T, then what will it cost you to wait until you've got your life back in order (especially as it pertains to your son)?
Why the rush to see if it works out and risk ending up in the exact same place a few months from now... (read in full...)
My wife left me, but now she wants to try again. I am torn between giving it another shot with her and this new girl I am nuts for.
Q. This is long so I appreciate anyone who reads it. I am 47 and married with a 7 year old son. I work as a senior manager and have lots of people who work for me. About a year ago a 24 year old came to work with the company, I'll call her T. She is ...
A. 28 August 2008: Too much baggage and not enough self-reflection.
Buddy, you may not yet realize how messed up you are at this moment. The last thing you need is a relationship; rather, you need space plus the support of good platonic friends to examine the choi... (read in full...)
Girlfriend wants kids but I don't, as I already have 2. I'm afraid she will leave me as warned.
Q. I am a divorced father of two children, 11 and 9 years old. My current girlfriend has never been married and would like to have children. She has pretty much given me an ultimatum, "have another child with me or our relationship is over." Quite ...
A. 27 August 2008: "I knew she would probably want kids, but she knew I had two when we started dating."
Then you weren't listening to your inner voice right from the beginning. This day was bound to come. To have or not have kids is a dealbreaker. One of my un... (read in full...)
He claims his love for this other woman is just a friendship..I'm very confused...help!
Q. i have been married to my husband now for 10 years. I recently found out on the day of my 10 year wedding anniversary my husband was in love with another women. I found the message on his phone that said "i love you lots" now when i asked him about ...
A. 27 August 2008: Both of you are talking about your feelings to each other and this is a good start. Your hubby's fear about things "going back to normal" is very important. If he doesn't want this to happen then make sure you both understand that a marriage is a ... (read in full...)
Not really physically attracted to him anymore!! Help!
Q. Hi, I've been in a relationship with my bf now for about 5 years. We both really love each other and he is a great guy. However, lately I've been feelin like he's not very good-looking. My bf is about 5'7 and very skinny. Also he's only 25 and...
A. 27 August 2008: "I get the feeling that my friends think I should be with someone better looking, and I can't help but feel like that has affected my attraction to him."
What your friends may think doesn't matter, and at any rate you're projecting your thoughts... (read in full...)
My hubby's contacting his ex via mail, should I tell him or wait to see what happens?
Q. I'm a married women married for 6 years and my husband just starting contacting his ex-girlfriend who lives out west. Have had some issues in the past with him emailing another female friend behind my back. I don't want him to know I'm checking ...
A. 27 August 2008: Monitoring his emails without his consent = Lack of trust. This is a deficiency that only spells trouble in a marriage.
Now I'm not saying that you should "just trust him", but I am definitely saying you and your hubby had better start moving t... (read in full...)
My wife has a colorful past, and now one of the guys, she used to have sex with, is in one of her new groups of friends, thoughts of her past, are worring me very much, how can I stop being so concerned about it?
Q. I need some help. I've been married for 2 years now and to this day my wife's past is constantly haunting me. (I have a clean slate I’ve only been with my wife, no one else.) My wife and I dated for 4 years before we got married she was 17 and I ...
A. 25 August 2008: If it's not too late to jump into the fray...
It all comes down to respect. I commend the respect you show your wife. However, is she reciprocating that respect? Does she not realize that hanging around with a guy who clearly does not respect ... (read in full...)
Can I have a healthy relationship with my boyfriend who lives with daugher and her family?
Q. I am in a (5 month old) relationship with a mid 50 year old man who lives with his mid 30 year old daughter, her husband and 2 children (one of which is an almost 2 year old granddaughter that he adores of course). I am very jealous of the relation...
A. 13 August 2008: Thanks for the update. It puts things in a slightly different light.
Most men are pretty dense - myself included. If you don't think this guy respects your time, the only way to make him understand is to tell him so without equivoca... (read in full...)
I've been seeing a married man for 6 years and I think he's talking to other girls online!
Q. Hi: I have been seeing a married man for 6 years now, he tells me he loves me but he keeps chatting with women on line and wanting to get to know them better. When I ask him about he says it is not true but I know otherwise, what should I do?...
A. 8 August 2008: "How do you move on r get over loving a person?"
First, look for love within yourself. If you love yourself, you won't make choices that require deception, like sleeping with someone who can never be yours 100%.
Second, figure out why it is yo... (read in full...)
Can I have a healthy relationship with my boyfriend who lives with daugher and her family?
Q. I am in a (5 month old) relationship with a mid 50 year old man who lives with his mid 30 year old daughter, her husband and 2 children (one of which is an almost 2 year old granddaughter that he adores of course). I am very jealous of the relation...
A. 7 August 2008: Country woman has some great words of wisdom. She's a hard act to follow.
You chose to be with a man that comes with baggage. If you are unwilling to share him with a family that he clearly loves, you might want to consider switching to a man wh... (read in full...)
Can love really heal emotionally distant men? Why do I have a tendence to be attracted to them?
Q. I just( realize something about myself. I fall for emotionally distant men. I am so attracted to the one that are hurting inside. I notice a pattern. I think my love for them will "help" them ease their pain. So I had flings with 2 of them th...
A. 7 August 2008: The greatest love is the one you feel for yourself. And it comes when you respect yourself. This is love you will never find in someone else.
Early childhood experiences tend to shape our adult lives. You probably felt abandoned as a child an... (read in full...)
We're both married and both completely and utterly besotted by each other.
Q. I have fallen in love with someone and don't know if I should ruin everyone's lives by going off with him. We're both married and both completely and utterly besotted by each other. We are not having an affair but he wants to leave his wife for us ...
A. 7 August 2008: Honesty is the best policy. Clearly your marriage is in trouble... fundamentally there is a communication issue. What steps are you and your husband taking to be honest with each other?
Deal with your marriage first. It's so hard to work out... (read in full...)
I don't want to ruin his family life, he does not want to let me go, or his family, how do I end this relationship?
Q. Dear Cupid, I have been in a relationship with a married man for about a year. Initially, I rejected him few times but due to his persistent pursue on me had made me feel touched and I fell for him in just months. I was a very conservative per...
A. 5 August 2008: Like all people caught in this situation, you have boundary issues. There is a stench of disrespect that permeates these kinds of arrangements and I commend you for finally noticing the smell.
This manipulator and liar will use you until the very... (read in full...)
I have filed for divorce, now I find out I have to split my assets with him and he has to do the same, I have $100K, he has $4K, I will be able to keep the house, but only if I buy him out, this will ruin me financially, does anyone have any remedies
Q. I am a 48 year old woman with two kids ages 11 and 15. I live in Massachusetts. After 17 years of marriage I filed for divorce. I was in a marriage where I was doing everything by myself so it became emotionally draining. Husband refused to get ...
A. 5 August 2008: I think you will lose the house. The mortgage payment of $1140 represents 27% of your before-tax income but really comes out of your after-tax income, so what is left over for all of your other expenses and investments?
So if you have equity n... (read in full...)
I've been seeing a married man for 6 years and I think he's talking to other girls online!
Q. Hi: I have been seeing a married man for 6 years now, he tells me he loves me but he keeps chatting with women on line and wanting to get to know them better. When I ask him about he says it is not true but I know otherwise, what should I do?...
A. 5 August 2008: Sloppy seconds, or is that thirds or fourths? How can you know possibly know where you are in the "pecking" order with a liar?
If he can disrespect his wife he can certainly be equally disrespectful to the likes of you who enable his cowardly... (read in full...)
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