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*ild Thaing agony aunt

*ild Thaing

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*ild Thaing's profile:

I came here looking for help, like many of you. Then I started giving advice on this site.

If you want to know more about me, just read my column of responses. I rarely pull punches, and where appropriate I'll throw in a detail about my life.

I firmly believe the following: While you may not be able to choose the situations in which you may find yourself, you can ALWAYS choose your responses to them.

Happy surfing.

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How do you confront a liar cheating wife with the facts?

Q.   . My wife does not know I know she's cheated. I have all the proof I need and it's causing me to distant my personal life from her. I see my wife stressing over me pulling away from her, she appears to not understand why I stopped showing her ...

A.   29 March 2014: It seems you are keeping a secret too. Does this make you feel better? It seems that it doesn't. You seem to fear confronting your wife with your discovery. If there is an explanation you are not giving your wife the chance to give it. Instead ... (read in full...)

People tell me I should get to know him but something about him makes me uneasy

Q.   Why do I feel strange round this older man? There is a man I have recently met (few weeks) and everyone seems to love him he is charming, a great speaker, and in his 40s but for some reason I just don't feel comfortable around him, I hate it when I ...

A.   5 November 2013: You ignore your inner voice at your peril. This guy certainly has these other people in thrall to the point that each has ignored the inner voice. Let them take risks with him!... (read in full...)

My son has quit communicating....should I talk to him about this?

Q.   My son has been a relationship for about 2 months. He lives out of town and up until he started this relationship he called or texted me almost everyday, and came home to visit at least every 2 weeks. Now, I hardly hear from him, and when I do, I am ...

A.   2 November 2013: If you can bring yourself to back off then you are showing your son respect as an adult. Healthy relationships have boundaries. It took me years and the support of a patient wife to learn to set boundaries with my relatives. None of them disowned ... (read in full...)

Is my negativity taking control? How do I stop being jealous and bitter about my life?

Q.   This is not so much a question, but more looking for perspective or feedback on what you think the underlying problems are with my life at the minute. I should on the grand scheme of things be content with my life, I am starting a new job next mon...

A.   2 November 2013: Your boyfriend has fired a warning shot. Your attitude is becoming toxic and he is worried for you. He loves you enough to be honest, so it is up to you now. You are right to sense that something is broken inside you. But coming here to unload ... (read in full...)

He is quite confusing, he never seems INTERESTED interested!

Q.   I like a boy I met on a school outing last year. Call him Simon. I added him on fb and would chat to him about his/my school stuff (societies, prefects etc.). And coincidentally we both ended up as Head Prefects at our differemt schools. So ...

A.   2 November 2013: I don't know if I can add anything more here Noli - the other aunts who have responded have it pretty much nailed. I would however point out that it's not healthy to carry on this way. There are literally millions of other guys in this world with ... (read in full...)

My parents abandoned me and now they are asking me for help! Please help me deal with the anger?

Q.   I have a little issue - I was raised by my grandmother because I am the 1st born child and both my parents remarried after I was born. I never really had much contact with both of them growing up and actually thought my grandma was my mother until I ...

A.   25 October 2013: It is so hard to let something like this go because the unresolved anger comes so easily. But if you want to move past the resentment and anger you must learn to let go. These people stopped being parents long ago. They are just people you used ... (read in full...)

Is it ever ok for a married man to take another women out to lunch?

Q.   Is it ever ok for a married man to take another women out to lunch? My husband worked with this women but she recently got a different job. Well I just found out tonight that he talked to her online and ask her to have lunch with him sometime so ...

A.   14 September 2013: You are afraid your man is straying and that makes you feel insecure. Hence the heavily loaded question, "Is it EVER ok?" All you can hope for is that your man can respect the boundary that comes along with being married. Are you emotiona... (read in full...)

I think I'm dating an alcoholic. What can I do to help him?

Q.   I believe I'm dating an alcoholic. Is there any hope? He's so great when he's sober. We both like to dance and have a few drinks, so for the last 6 months I've been in a bit of denial I guess. Where as I can stop at 3 drinks all night at a night...

A.   2 September 2013: Just to elaborate on the first response from iamheretohelpyou, you can't help him until he is ready to receive help. He's not there yet because it appears he has not hit bottom. If he survives the fall, only then will he be receptive to help. F... (read in full...)

Since having children my friend constantly and openly openly judges me and makes me feel bad about my decision not to have kids

Q.   Hey! So, I've had this friend since kindergarden. We've been very close friends since we were 3 years old and I know she loves me and I love her back, but we're very different people (different education, different background...). Anyway, the thin...

A.   17 August 2013: The problem is not with you, but with the disrespectful and obnoxious behaviour of your friend. Your instinct is right and so is your approach. If she is overjoyed with having children then great. But what if, instead of evangelizing about ... (read in full...)

Since having children my friend constantly and openly openly judges me and makes me feel bad about my decision not to have kids

Q.   Hey! So, I've had this friend since kindergarden. We've been very close friends since we were 3 years old and I know she loves me and I love her back, but we're very different people (different education, different background...). Anyway, the thin...

A.   16 August 2013: Time to cut ties. Life is too short to be associated with negative emotions. Be the bigger person and wish nothing but good things for her. Hopefully enough good stuff will happen that she becomes a positive person that you can be friends with ... (read in full...)

If I tell her that I've been waiting for her, I'm afraid I'll lose her friendship

Q.   So im 27, never had a relationship, g/f, kissed, sex, etc... So i went out last night with a friend that ive had a crush on for 12 years and it just tears me up inside knowing that she is just my friend. If i tell her that over the years the reas...

A.   11 August 2013: Not saying boo to her about your true feelings is a lie you perpetrate on your friendship with this girl. As long as you don't say anything you can continue this ever more dark fantasy. I know people like you. I point out to such people that ... (read in full...)

Bible-thumping dad's bully antics are driving my family apart! Help!

Q.   Aunts and Uncles, I have a “Bible thumping” father. While I love him and recognize his strengths (type A, making money, engineering things, taking challenges head on, networking), I have been chased down and pestered to believe in God on his terms, ...

A.   30 July 2013: I'm sorry you're in this situation. Ironically your father is acting in an uncharitable and un-Christian manner. Any time you interact with him you enable his abusive behavior. However, if you decide to approach your folks for money you cannot ... (read in full...)

Could I actually be held accountable for her ending her life by her own hand and free will?

Q.   Hello everyone. Well I've been getting close to a woman online for about 5 months, we got along great and were planning to continue getting to know each other and see where things lead. However, last week I found out she is married with 3 c...

A.   13 March 2013: She is manipulating you. Do NOT reply to her messages no matter how threatening. If she is unstable there is nothing you can do. If she is just being controlling and abusive then she'll move on once she realizes you won't give her the attention ... (read in full...)

If your 15 year old daughter had a boyfriend, how would you react?

Q.   Okay, so i am 15, and i want to tell my mom about my boyfriend. If your daughter came to you and told you this, how would you react? How would you want to be told?...

A.   29 October 2012: I'm a parent. If your actions to this point show a track record of being responsible and using good judgement in making decisions then there is nothing to fear. Regardless, in this age of cyberbullying and the internet where mistakes are forever ... (read in full...)

How does an atheist overcome inter-faith dating challenges?

Q.   Hi, I was wondering what your opinion is on inter-faith dating, specifically for atheists. How do I meet girls who are atheist or agnostic? Do you think girls care whether I’m atheist? My issue is that I really prefer to date girls who are li...

A.   13 August 2012: Your attitude is not one of "live and let live". Being an atheist is merely a red herring. You have a bloody big chip on your shoulder and it if comes through in writing it must be screaming out at your dates. If you can overcome your inabilit... (read in full...)

I don't want to lose my dad, but he doesn't have the will to live. I just need some advice.

Q.   I owe my life to my dad; I know I do and he wants nothing of it. I know this post is long but please, the details are needed. I need you all to understand the fact that I can't not live without my dad in my life. He's done everything for me under ...

A.   12 August 2012: It is painful to see a loved one in such suffering. Especially one that loved you so much. As much as you wish he would accept your offer to carry him this one time, the only thing you can do is continue to make the offer. He is in a lonely place ... (read in full...)

Is this his depression, or just him being an asshole?

Q.   Hi, I'd really appreciate other peoples' perspective on this! And I apologise in advance for it being so long winded! My boyfriend and I started seeing one another about five months ago. When we first started dating, he told me that he has depr...

A.   9 August 2012: Staying with someone who has a mental illness takes a great deal of inner strength, a strong sense of self and self-worth and even then it may not be enough! That being said, no one is entitled to use mental illness as a cover for being a jerk. I... (read in full...)

Is checking partners phone wrong

Q.   So there has been a lot of talk in magazines etc about Jools wanting to check Jamie Oliver's texts....and I have to say whilst it's wrong I can kind of understand it... My boyfriend has always been very private about his phone, to the point that h...

A.   9 August 2012: You are projecting your insecurity onto your boyfriend by accusing him of hiding something. In reality this issue has very little to do with your boyfriend. Until you face up to and overcome your insecurity issue you will have difficulty trusting ... (read in full...)

Wife and I have been married 10 years. Should we throw out photos of our exs?

Q.   My wife and I have been together for over 10 years but have just had some old possessions dropped off at our house by our parents / parents in law. Funny timing that they all dropped off boxes at about the same time. A lot of this is stuff fr...

A.   26 May 2012: It's interesting that you should seek approval from strangers to do something so personal. That you should even ask us means that some part of you questions this need to purge your past. Everyone deals with the past differently. If your method i... (read in full...)

Do you have any advice on how I can lose weight & begin eating healthy?

Q.   Do you have any advice on how I can lose weight and begin eating healthy? I would like to get a head start on my New Years Resolution and begin to make changes in my life. My health is one of those changes. Any advice? Thanks. ...

A.   3 November 2011: Honey, the solution is pretty straightforward but so hard to do: 1) When you find a physical activity you really enjoy make the time to do it several times a week. The added benefit of a good workout that you enjoy is that it reduces stress. ... (read in full...)

Do couples with different beliefs usually last?

Q.   My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We have discussed the topic about marriage and how we could work it out due to the fact that we both are different religions and were raised differently. He is a jehovas witness and I am ...

A.   27 October 2011: Religion matters to you a great deal or you would not have brought it up in this post. Does it matter to you that a future marriage is invalid in the eyes of the Catholic church if it is not performed according to their rules? Does it matte... (read in full...)

Is a relationship worth the risk of being cheated on?

Q.   I have always had a fear of relationships but what really scares me is if I ever fell in "Love" that I would be cheated on. Ive heard and read stories of people that are in happy relationships and then one day they wake up and realize their partner ...

A.   15 September 2011: I would say that you are not ready for an intense relationship because you have not yet learned how to trust. You've got a young mind and need to find your self-confidence. Work on yourself first. Practice listening to the inner voice, the voice ... (read in full...)

Can you be married and fall in love with another person?

Q.   Is it possible to fall in love with someone else when you are married?...

A.   15 September 2011: I'm sorry you are in this unhappy situation but it is a situation of your own creation. No one is forcing you to stay in your current marriage. Expecting some other person to do the dirty work, i.e. wanting the other guy to leave his marriage is ... (read in full...)

True or False: Men always think the grass may be greener with someone else?

Q.   This is a question for men to answer true or false. If you're female, do not answer. This is an unanswerable question by a woman. Here is the back story, or skip to the bottom for the question. Last night while watching t.v. a character we both...

A.   15 September 2011: If you can trust each other so that you can confide anything then you've got a great relationship! Looking for trouble where there is none is a sign of insecurity. Many people who come here are unable to achieve what you have with your husband.... (read in full...)

Wife doesn't want to leave me, but isn't 'in love' anymore. She's happier with her FWB.

Q.   I'm a married man, and my wife has just said that she still loves me but is not in love with me. She says I'm a great father and husband and she doesn't want to hurt me. Then, she explained, she has a friend which has gotten into the "with benefi...

A.   28 August 2011: You give your kids far too little credit. Their perspective may surprise you. I agree with previous posters - your actions speak to your kids far louder than your words. Words coming from a damaged parent willing to perpetuate a lie. How do k... (read in full...)

Does he love me? Need to know. Will he leave his wife?

Q.   I am sleeping with a married man who I have history with. He has other women in other towns as well. He says his wife doesn't sleep with him and treats him bad. He says he wants to leave her but he says she is crazy and probably would do something ...

A.   26 August 2011: Honey, you are not even getting sloppy seconds. One day you may look back and wonder how you could have chosen to be in such a demeaning relationship. Until then, have fun being one of a few side dishes.... (read in full...)

Wife doesn't want to leave me, but isn't 'in love' anymore. She's happier with her FWB.

Q.   I'm a married man, and my wife has just said that she still loves me but is not in love with me. She says I'm a great father and husband and she doesn't want to hurt me. Then, she explained, she has a friend which has gotten into the "with benefi...

A.   25 August 2011: I read your follow up post, and I have some observations, some of which you won't be ready to acknowledge: 1. Your marriage was built on a very destructive cycle of co-dependence. 2. You have a huge esteem and confidence problem that masquer... (read in full...)

I feel trapped. What should I do? I've had a threesome and my husband does not know.

Q.   Hi i'm 32 year old wife and a mom with a kid of 3 years old . I'm feeling confused and trapped with a dilemma all because of my mistakes. Almost 3 months before I met a nice and good looking girls who's 23 years at the gym. We had the same gym ins...

A.   25 August 2011: If you had unprotected sex with this random guy then get tested for STDs, especially HIV. If your moral compass is still intact then you'll share the results with your unsuspecting victim (i.e. your husband). The other aunts have covered the mora... (read in full...)

Why do people think its okay to berate women who sleep with married men?

Q.   I'm so fed up reading people taking the moral high ground on every topic, especially that of married cheats and 'home wreckers' There is so much contraversy surrounding cheating at the moment on this site and I would like to express my views as...

A.   21 August 2011: You're projecting honey, especially on your last question. Are you involved with a married man and lashing out at that little twinge of conscience?... (read in full...)

I don't wan't to leave my wife, but I have very strong feelings for this other woman. Is it possible to love two women and not hurt anyone?

Q.   Hi everyone, I'm new to this site, but appreciate everyone's candor and returns on their experience. I am and have been happily married for 20 years now with my french wife in Paris. I love my wife, we are close and loving and I am proud ...

A.   12 July 2011: Do what your libido tells you. Isn't that what you want to hear? Why struggle with conscience when you are so ready to abandon it? I mean, you were open with your wife about your polyamery before she agreed to marry you, right? If you respect ... (read in full...)

I was giving my husband a blow job and my son walked in on us!!

Q.   So.. I was having a rather pleasant time pleasuring my man... yes BJ ... we have been together 20 years - married for 14 and have 2 young children.. 2 and 5 yrs. We had not closed our door as we tend not too because we can generally hear o...

A.   14 June 2011: The only way your kid makes something of it is if you do. The best advice is to treat the incident much the same way as if he walked in on you while you were washing the dishes and he asked you what you were doing. Bottom line - you'll give him... (read in full...)

I Don't appreciate family's racist remarks. How can I deal with this?

Q.   Hi Aunts and Uncles, So, here's my problem. I'm of white-Asian heritage and my (white) father's family is racist. In the past, they've made derogatory remarks about my "dark" features, and tend to make a lot of negative generalizations about As...

A.   5 June 2011: Honey, change does not come easy. So if you try to reform these bigots, know that you'll be the one expending the emotional energy, not them. I don't waste a lot of time on people who can't treat me with respect, and that extends to blood re... (read in full...)

Wife headed towards an affair. Can I confide in her sister?

Q.   Over the last few months evidence has been mounting that my wife has a thing for a colleague of hers. She thinks she is keeping it very discreet and in control (I don't think she has even told him), but a man knows his wife and knows when somethin...

A.   2 June 2011: Don't involve her sister! This really comes down to a matter of trust between you and your wife. If you think she is struggling and you know it then this situation is much better than the one where you have no clue. So, the answer to the qu... (read in full...)

I need advice to get over my ex lover & focus on my family...

Q.   I had an affair w/a married man that lasted 2 years. He is my co-worker and was my husbands best friend, what makes it worse is that his wife was also my best friend. We were "soulmates" and very much in love. I got pregnant and asked him to ...

A.   17 May 2011: Honey, any energy you think you're about to spend pining away for this man is wasted on a fool's hope. But I think you already know that. If you choose to focus on your family then you need to work on your marriage. I don't see how you can succ... (read in full...)

Will the man I had an affair with ever forgive me for breaking his heart?

Q.   Ok I made a mistake, had an affair and fell in love. I realised my mistake and made a final decision to end all contact for the sake of my partner and daughter whom I love deeply. The thing is I keep dreaming about the ex dreams where I am ...

A.   12 May 2011: Honey, guilt is a powerful emotion that consumes energy you could otherwise be directing towards positive things in your life. Guilt makes you ask questions like "will he ever forgive me for breaking his heart?" How does this question help you... (read in full...)

I'm happy and in love with a married man!

Q.   I have been married for 8 years and the last 3 years have been awful. My husband is on drugs and I have found several female numbers in his phone, on one occasion I caught him in my vehicle with a female. I have been with this man 14 years all ...

A.   14 January 2011: This married guy hasn't served up divorce papers yet, which means he's keeping his options open. It means that he is not yet done with his wife despite his claims of estrangement. Before you go any further you should consider whether or not you ... (read in full...)

I miss my ex, but I'm afraid of breaking my new guy's heart

Q.   I think i'm in one of the hardest situations ever in my life. Usually people think that getting their heart broken is the worst thing to deal with but for me breaking someone else's heart seems to be a lot worse. I have my heart broken by someo...

A.   27 October 2010: You already know what must be done but you are talking yourself out of it. While you think you are sparing this guy from hurt you are only making it worse because you are perpetuating a situation that keeps both of you from moving on.... (read in full...)

I miss my ex, but I'm afraid of breaking my new guy's heart

Q.   I think i'm in one of the hardest situations ever in my life. Usually people think that getting their heart broken is the worst thing to deal with but for me breaking someone else's heart seems to be a lot worse. I have my heart broken by someo...

A.   26 October 2010: Guilt is one of the worst possible guides for action. However it seems that you are under the spell of guilt. What if I told you there was someone "out there" for this guy that will make this relationship seem like a nice memory? Would this inf... (read in full...)

Husband texts other women

Q.   Hi, I need some opinions on how you feel about your husband texting/talking on the phone with other women. We have been married for about a year and I trusted him that he is a good husband and will never cheat on me, but now im not so sure. He...

A.   22 October 2010: "As a matter of fact, everytime i bring up leaving him, he breaks down into tears, asks for forgiveness, begs for me to stay and promises it wont happen again... I guess only time can tell whats in our future." That's the reaction of someone ... (read in full...)

Husband texts other women

Q.   Hi, I need some opinions on how you feel about your husband texting/talking on the phone with other women. We have been married for about a year and I trusted him that he is a good husband and will never cheat on me, but now im not so sure. He...

A.   21 October 2010: It's the lying that is troublesome for any marriage. Why does he feel the need to deceive you about his texting? I think the inner voice is always worth listening to but there seems to be something amiss here - respect for the marriage. Respect ... (read in full...)

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