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LDR issues. Do I confront her over her Ex issues ? Do I insist on seeing her to work things out?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Family, Friends, Gay relationships, Long distance, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 June 2014) 4 Answers - (Newest, 3 July 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

LDR issues.Do I confront the issues? Do I insist on seeing her next weekend? To try to work things out with her?

For years I ignored the feeling in the back of my mind that I may be gay. However about 3 months ago a friend signed me up to a gay dating site. I met a wonderful girl, Jane, and took to being gay like a duck to water.

I have since come out to my parents and I am happy knowing I'm a lesbian.

Jane and I have had a whirlwind romance, made trickier because I have moved to another city but we accepted this and were both happy to try long distance. I know it's crazy but we've already told each other 'I love you' but we're very much say what you're feeling people. Although we're far apart we have both made the journey to visit the other and we had made plans coming up in the next few weeks.

This last week has been the most challenging, I have been having doubts and have struggled with the distance.

I was feeling like we were too rash to say 'I love you' and maybe things were moving a bit fast.. And because Jane has been out for years she has a string of exes many of whom are friends. This is a new phenomenon that I find a little strange.

I didn't really get a chance to explain my concerns as yesterday Jane told me that she has been thinking about her ex in the last few days and doesn't feel that she is completely over her after all.

She doesn't want to hurt me if we're not completely on the same page feelings wise. She says it is nothing to do with me and now I'm so confused. I have tried to explain that she hasn't been the only one having doubts. She says this isn't about getting back together with her ex.

We were supposed to be meeting halfway next weekend for a few days and we were both looking forward to it. Jane doesn't feel that our relationship can work if she still has some left over feelings from her ex. She doesn't think it would be fair to me.

I understand that everyone has baggage and it is often difficult getting over people however I don't think we should throw away what we do have. I don't think we should cancel next weekend even if it is a final hurrah. Jane says we'll end up sleeping together and I may end up being hurt more in the long run.

Firstly I believe she's taking the first challenge in our relationship badly and giving up. Maybe she isn't over her ex but maybe she's worried about long distance generally and the feelings are jumbled up in her head? Secondly if there really is no hope and she won't try to make this work then I can't leave it like this. I can't end my first gay relationship without seeing her or I'll have no chance of getting over it. Jane has said let's wait a little and speak on Monday and see how we're both feeling.

I really want to see her again next weekend, even if we change our plans a bit. Part of me thinks that in person she'll remember that we are worth fighting for. And on the other hand if it the ends I'd like to say goodbye in person. Especially if we're ever to be friends.

I don't have any lesbian friends and although my straight friends are happy to talk about my coming out, she is the only one that really understands.

It has already been 12 hours since we talked and I'm really struggling. It doesn't help that I don't have any friends here (although I've spoken to my pals in the phone).

I'm not sure what is best to do. Obviously I need to explain how I've been feeling and what I would like to happen now.

It's just so hard not to cry. This time last weekend we were together and everything was perfect. How have things changed so quickly? How had she not realised before that wasn't over her ex? I had thought dating girls might be easier, silly me. Please help : ( What do you guys think I should do? Insist on seeing her next weekend? Is it possible to make this work if she really does have feelings for her ex? Has anyone had a similar experience? Thanks x

View related questions: her ex, lesbian, long distance

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for reading my essay!! Your responses helped. I've since had a long talk with her about everything and I accept that it's over. I'm actually feeling okay about this, we did rush things in hindsight. We're planning to be friends and I am going away with her this weekend as originally planned.

Would sleeping with her be a mistake do you think? We haven't said anything about it since she agreed to uphold our plans but I think I might want to. Obviously this would only happen if she agrees but we will be drinking... When dating guys I never slept with an ex so I'm not sure about any repercussions.

Thanks again xx

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom + , writes (30 June 2014):

02DuszJ agony auntYou're trying so hard not to cry but crying is just a given with any relationship- this is your first whirlwind relationship with a girl, and although those unforgettable memories, your love will seem indispensable, you're both on different pages

Like honey pie said you both rushed things ( 3 months is a very short time ) and she was likely on the rebound, conflicted looking for distractions- she found a new potential partner in you, but the underlying issues came back to remind her that maybe she's not ready after all.

Cry, do what you must, but please be kind on yourself- she clearly cares about you to be honest about how she feels. It would be unkind for her to lead you on.

This is life and over time, you will be hurt again, meet more people that seem like the most wonderful loves- and you'll go through many transitions, revelations yourself. You'll also grow stronger and wiser.

Take care! :)

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 June 2014):

Honeypie agony auntMy guess is she too realized that you two may have been jumping the gun and getting caught up in the whirlwind of a new potential partner. Basically you both rushed it.

She OUGHT to have stayed off dating sites til she was ready, but sometimes you may not realize that you aren't completely over an ex.

She is trying to do the right thing for you. And I think you need to respect and accept that. And then you add the LDR which really isn't for everyone. It can be rather taxing specially if you haven't spend much time together before it went LDR.

Wish her well, and next time find someone in your neck of the woods.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (29 June 2014):

janniepeg agony auntIf this is your first relationship, you may be surprised to find out that you can have feelings for two people, and that sticking with one person is just a decision, and commitment to make. When people are not over their exes and still looking at dating sites, they are looking for either a distraction or a person who might make them forget an ex. It doesn't work like that. It is selfish. I believe in working things out but my time limit is, if I don't get any contact for 3 days then I am out. No matter what special moments we've had, even if I love yous were exchanged.

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