A
male
age
41-50,
*rokensoulguy
writes:Dear Cupid,I need any advice I can get. I was in a very volatile, messy relationship. At first I thought this girl was amazing. She was beautiful, independent, all of the above. After a few months things didn't appear to be as what they should be. Alarm bells were going off, red flags. I was with her for about 2 years. Anyway, I'm going to cut to the chase she was cheating on me. She started to be violent towards me. But I took it because I thought I was in love with her. Authorities were involved but no charges were ever made because I didn't want to. Then at the end of last year I had enough. I cheated on her. I did it on purpose and told her I had. 2 wrongs don't make a right. I was so disgusted and ashamed of myself. I had become her. But what happened next I wasn't prepared for. We arranged to meet to talk things through. I agreed. We made love. Then the authorities come to see me and I was taken away and charged with a very serious crime. I could not believe it.My whole world fell apart. I was told of my conditions. Not to go near her. But I did. I wanted to know why she'd done this. I called her. And she phoned the authorities and I was arrested again. For the next year she made my life absolute hell. The abuse. The things she put me and my family through, my friends, my work. Last month I was cleared and I am now a free man.But this has totally destroyed me. My confidence is shattered. My trust is shattered. I second guess everyone. I feel totally broken and this is something I have to live with for the rest of my life. Being accused of this horrendous crime. How do I deal with this? Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you.
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confidence, move on, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (5 December 2013):
 I echo Abella. I think regular counselling will do you the world of good. As will getting out into the community and learning to trust people again.
OP, this is not something you should have to hide from potential partners in the future. You are the victim, remember? Your potential partner will not "hear about" this awful incident because, as you get to know her, you will be able to discuss it unashamedly as you would any major life event.
The important thing is to remember that you went through the judicial process and were found not guilty. You are not guilty. OP, the right people, the important people in your life WILL believe you.
Give yourself lots of time. Be patient with yourself.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (5 December 2013):
 hi
keep a copy of the Judgement and the paper proving that the Judge found you innocent. She may try this again with another guy because she's been proved to be a devious manipulative liar. Yes she set you up. But a genuine girl will believe you.
Live your life honourably.
Get involved in some volunteer work.
But most important of all ; get that counselling. Do not imagine that you don't need counselling. Because it is obvious, from the dent this situation has had to you confidence, that you desperately do need that counselling.
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A
male
reader, Brokensoulguy +, writes (5 December 2013):
Brokensoulguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone, I am grateful for all the replies. Even the critical ones. I don't want anyone to argue. Please? Just to clarify a few things. When she asked me to meet her I had no idea she was going to do what she did. I was released on bail. I contacted her when I was in bail because I wanted to know why she was doing this to me? I couldn't believe she was doing this to me. I know now that was wrong, but this was my life that she was destroying. I have to rebuild my life. I have to watch over my shoulder forever now. What happens 5 years from now if I meet a girl and she hears about it. I'm not sure if it's something I could keep from someone too because I believe in honesty being the best policy. I wouldn't want to either. And who would want to get involved with someone that had been accused of something like that even though I was found 'not guilty'? I guess it's still very fresh. Thank you again to everyone. I guess everyone is entitled to their opinion. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): NYC dreamer, as one of the anonymous posters you're criticising, I have to respond that my answer is not at all full of judgements or victim blaming! Please read it again. I believe the OP has gone through a terrible period of abuse, after which he is bound to feel awful. I said he needs to take all the time he needs to talk it through and come out a stronger person. All our life experiences change us. How is this victim blaming? I speak from the experience of someone who went through a terribly abusive relationship and finally got away, have now been free for 9 months. The process of getting over it is so painful, with a lot of soul searching, but it is ultimately liberating. I support anyone getting out of an abusive relationship. You ultimately become stronger, though at the time you feel powerless. I'd never ever blame the victim.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (5 December 2013):
 One can only imagine what horrendous crime took place and yet you were CLEARED. That suggests she was a false witness, wasted valuable Police and Court time, and that her accusations were not found to be correct or truthful. Is that not a victory?
Your friends, family and work are all witness to her lies and since you have been cleared, no-one else need matter or know!? Presently you are exhausted, grieved and need solace from good people.
For you to get passed this horrific ordeal, you’ll have to embrace the facts, not the emotion as you’ve spent a lot of time on this roller-coaster already. Fact ONE; she’s a 100+% TOXIC BYTCH, you now know how to identify one, so no more neglecting Alarm Bells when they go off, right?
Fact TWO; the lady walking along the street is simply; walking – down – the – street! Say this over and over to yourself.
Fact THREE; to be the same again… Get those ears cleaned out so you can hear alarms bells go off in the future :) Meanwhile you’ll have to take something positive out of this experience about yourself... You’ve weathered a mighty storm to be in Court and not lay down to have this creature falsely accuse you. You can’t tell me where there’s a gut, there’s no glory?
But if you take the negative route shattered confidence, second guessing, naturally you’ll fall apart and she’ll keep winning over you mentally. In time this experience will heal and leave a scar, but how significant a scar depends on you. It can either make you stronger, wiser or have you adopting another Psycho!? I’d rather believe in myself and my victory over Evil! Get some counselling, take a deserved rest and start believing in your VICTORY :)
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (4 December 2013):
What a toxic relationship from the beginning.
You need time to grieve. Take it slow. Get counselling. Speak with someone who can help you grow.
Get involved with things like the gym, school, volunteering to become healthy in spirit and mind. Learn to love yourself again.
Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): I agree OP, fighting back and suing her may be a good way to get your confidence back. Also making false claims is illegal so getting her a prison sentence would be too.
OP you need to find a way of dealing with your side of things most importantly.
No one knows better than you that you walked right into the Lion's den and got eaten. Knowingly, willingly and stupidly, and that's left you feeling vulnerable and exposed.
OP you've been dealing with this woman for years, it's going to take a while to get over that and frankly the only way you'll finally be over her is when you know for certain you'll never be weak enough to tolerate abuse from a woman again.
As other suggested you should consider therapy or counselling. Something has happened which has lowered your quality of life and pretty much put you in a mental prison. Time will heal it but you can find someone to help it along. As for women, don't worry about them, they're harmless and besides you surely don't want another relationship any time soon so just ignore that side of things. You can't go wrong if you're not actually approaching them in a romantic sense, so you have nothing to fear.
Seek help, get some professional advice and don't beat yourself up too much while you work your way through this.
Mistakes happen and you've been through hell, a kind of hell that would break most people. You need to step up and fight for the kind of life you want to live.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): You are right, you will never be the same again. But you will gradually heal, find out who you really are underneath all the hurt, and become wise. This horrible experience will make you face the depths of your soul. You will learn to trust again, but not to be too trusting. You will find good people. Please take your time. It does get better. You will come out a better man. Just talk it through as much as you need to.gradually you will realise you are stronger than before. Forgiveness is an amazing experience but I don't think you're there yet. One day you'll forgive her though, and then you'll know you are free. Trust life. There's always a new surprise, even when you're in the pit of despair. Accept your feelings, know that after this abuse it is completely normal for them to be all over the place. Just be OK with that. Believe in yourself. You know in your heart that you are precious and strong. Yes, you will recover from your wounds, and be strong and full of compassion for others.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 December 2013):
With proper counselling you will heal but be more wary. Find your nearest Citizen's Advice Bureau as they may know of additional support that can assist.
You can and will heal. But you do need proper support to achieve that goal.
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A
male
reader, Brokensoulguy +, writes (4 December 2013):
Brokensoulguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies so far. It's so difficult to explain. I am literally petrified to even talk to a woman now in fear she may take what I say the wrong way. And that's no fault of the lady. That's something I have to deal with. I'll even cross the street if a lady is walking in the opposite direction of me just so I don't get to close. It's horrible. I know these are things I have to deal with. I already know I will never be the same again. It's just not a good place to be in.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): I would seek legal advice and determine if you can file a civil suit for malicious prosecution and false arrest.
You don't say if your case was dropped under certain legal conditions. You also need to have your attorney make sure the records are expunged; so they don't come up during background checks while applying for employment.
I believe mental health counseling is free in the UK; so it's definitely important that you seek therapy for the post traumatic stress and anxiety cased by all this. Full recovery may take time, but get as much help as you possibly can. Legal advice will help you clear records of this ordeal that linger in the wrong places. Bureaucrats cannot be trusted to clear records in a timely fashion, they will leave you exposed. The stigma left behind has to fade with time.
A change of location might help you to purge your memory of familiar places and scenery that trigger anxiety.
Remaining with toxic people against better judgment, is the lesson to be learned here. I am so sorry for your suffering.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 December 2013):
This girl was never right for you. And you may not have been assertive enough with her. You saw what you wanted to see as far as her and in truth she was a mean spirited, abusive, vindictive woman.
When you finally thought you were getting somewhere she plotted her revenge and what she hoped was your downfall. Be very thankful that this girl is no more a part of your life.
If you do not take Honeypie's advice, to get counselling, then you may find that these false allegations will go around and around and around in your head. And stop you from moving forward.
So I fully agree with HoneyPie ont his.
Plus I think you need to work on your own self-esteen and learn to ask for what you want.
Plus you need to develop some hobbies and an interest in some other activities that wil help you to grown and climb out of this abyss as you learn to re-plan your life.
Do not let this despicable woman mess up the rest of your life.
Consider some travel
Consider joining a gym (if you ae not already in one)
Consider joining a cooking class (you'll meet lots of women)
As you learn to be more assertive you will also be thankfull for the opportunity to leave this sorry loser (your ex) behind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): Can you file a lawsuit against her in civil court? If you've been cleared of these false acusations she could be liable.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 December 2013):
 I'm sorry you went through something like this.
My only suggestion or advice is that you find a therapist. You need some tools to work through what happened and I don't think there is any books that can do that for you, a therapist hopefully can.
You say how do you deal with being accused of something horrible? I don't even know how that can possibly feel. BUT YOU know the truth. YOU know deep down what REALLY happened. And I think you need to hold on to that and not the accusations. Anyone can make those, but the truth is .. well, the TRUTH.
Find a good therapist and work through it, don't LIVE through it over and over.
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