A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have only had one bf before and I'm just really confused if it is my lack of experience or in fact, what men are.My new bf been with him for over a year. We live together and he tells me how I'm perfect and how much he loves me and wants to be with me forever. However, he has this thing with me about always being "truthful". I get upset but then I try to be rational as I can't be angry with him for being upset. Firstly, I would like to mention that my bf slept with over 100 women in his younger days. He also had a record of cheating on previous gf. I have only slept with one guy. Here are just some of his "truths:- His friends are all womenisers and mainly see women as sexual objects. When I'm out with them they are actively looking for women to have one night stands etc and make lewd comments about women. My bf says with other gf he hid that but with me he wants to be honest. And not pretend etc. He says all men are like this and in fact they just hide it when women are around. Of course this upsets me as a woman as I find it offensive. Not to mention I wonder what he is like with his fends when I'm not there.- He has openly discussed his cheating etc and said it happens as he no longer loved the person he was with. And he said he can't promise me he will not be tempted to cheat. - He talks about fantasies of having threesomes with me. He said he realised it will never probably happen but who knows in 20yrs time. But he had admitted he feels turned on by seeing me with other ppl.- He has said he has found the idea of open relationships appealing. He said he won't wanna do it as he will feel bad being out and sleeping with other women as he knows I won't be doing the same as I'm not into casual sec like that (I only slept with one person)- He admitted he thought of me and us having sex with people we know.- He said he does find other women attractive and feel sexual chemistry and infatuation, but he won't take it further cos he loves me. But he can't promise that he will not feel tempted but ultimately he will not give into temptation.So those are just a few examples but there is a lot more. He sees I get upset sometimes and then he apologies and questions if he should be so honest with me. But then I do want to have an honest relationship so I prefer to know things than not.My question is - is this what men are really like in their thoughts and feelings? And if so, it means that it will be very so then it means it will be very difficult for me to have a guy who will feel I would be enough for or even that I am "good enough for" or would he ultimately always be desiring and hoping for other women? If I'm honest I feel so inadequate and like I can never live up. I am really interested to hear from men.Thanks
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male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (15 September 2015):
 You did get lot of good advice and great insight from many here but I would like to remind you that most perplexing and confusing problems of life need simplification and so it is in your case. Your BF has given you a huge load of sexual desires, fantasies that he wants to spill in reality, popular mythology about alleged "goodness" of open relationships and othe fluff... But down at the core of your post is your view that a relationship is about monogamy and if it is about monogamy then whatever he has said to you is total bunk and non-starter for you, so therefore, simply say "No" to it, and stick to your principals and do not be swayed by his many musings.
Second, remember that words are just that- sounds that people make, so unless one acts upon them then no sin has been committed. Therefore, judge your man on his actions and as for his words, advise him how to speak so that they are pleasing to your principals. Your follow up already shows that he is capable of that and seems to recognize what you are seeking.
Finally, reflect on what you want in your relationship and seek that out from him. That reflection should take away lot of your confusion because it will form who you are and what you want and by not swaying from that he can either take it or not. Principled people rooted in fairness and goodness like this so smooth out issues in the long run and he may end up loving you for it. And who knows, you maybe able to pull him away from those "friends" so that he can be like other normal men.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 September 2015):
 You boyfriend sounds like, um, well, a drama king. We go from all macho talk, hanging out with friends whose only interaction with women apparently revolves around making comments about them while simultaneously trying to get them into bed, talking about threesomes and having sex with other people, open relationships, cheating on a girlfriend rather than having some integrity and breaking up with her.... to sobbing and crying and promising that he's a changed man and he didn't mean any of that. So much for honesty.
What things does he propose to 'fix' here?
My red flag is this: I pay attention to people's friends. The friends they choose to spend time with says a lot about their own priorities. Your guy sounds like a party dude. Which is fine assuming he's hanging out with a woman who is also a party girl.
Why are you living with him? How long have you been living with him? Do you have friends or family nearby? If not, why not? Oh wait, I saw your second followup provided this information: "I moved in with him as couldn't afford to stay where I was. I have no family and not a strong circle of friends who I could turn to or rely on to stay with. In essence, he is my only family and the only person who is really there for me. I don't earn that much so I also feel stressed about where I could go if I move out. I can't afford rent on my own and even with having a roommate I was struggling to afford it based on what I earn, even though my rent was on the much cheaper end on what is available." How is it that you are so isolated from other people?
There's something troubling about a young woman with little relationship experience moving in with a former (?) player after a short time, then having all this sexual grooming going on. You're now financially dependent on him and way too entangled in that way. You didn't know him really, it only takes a phone call to send flowers.
I'm very concerned for you that you are this cut off from friends on whom you can rely. No family at all? What happened? You sound isolated and vulnerable and a prime target for questionable people.
I would encourage you to find ways to end your isolation; develop friendships and find a way to be financially independent before you move in with a boyfriend. Yes, living with roommates isn't so much fun all the time but it would have given you time to get to know this guy better before becoming so dependent on him.
I would encourage you to have good look at your potential resources, I've got a few links for you here: http://www.nhs.uk/livewell/mentalhealth/pages/dealingwithlowself-esteem.aspx
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/useful-contacts/#.VfiBSrSVcZY
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100320005
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100320002§ionTitle=Where+can+I+go%3F+%2D+Housing+options
Start to build your self esteem. The first thing to realize is that YOU are in charge of your happiness, no one else is. Handing over control of that to someone else, especially someone you don't really know, is a recipe for emotional turmoil.
It's time to take the steps you need to take to become an adult and able to take care of yourself.
Best wishes to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): Here are some comments from an old retired guy.There are a lot of good points in the other people’s answers and I am not going to repeat them. They are all saying what you realize – that this is not a good situation and it is most likely going to end in heart ache unless something changes. I want to give you some hope. You are a lucky woman because you recognize that something is wrong here and you recognize that something needs to be done – these are the first steps to moving to a solution – one way or another. Many, many people do not recognize that they have a problem and consequently do not live their life to the best or fullest. You say he expresses his love for you and he has done kind things for you, this is good. The two of you seem quite free to have open and intimate talks – this is also very good – many women would give anything to have a partner who was open with them.However, he has a problem, but he does not recognize it. As I said, many people are blind to their problem. It is not normal to have sex with over 100 people – it is the sign that he has a big problem. And also the things that he tells you (that you do not like) are further signs of big problems. Perhaps there was an event (or a number of events) in his past that he has not “dealt with” and the accumulated “baggage” in his head is driving to do what he does and prevents him from having a normal loving and satisfying relationship with you. (search on ‘how to deal with emotional baggage’ for more info). Perhaps more likely he is what a psychologist would call a philanderer or womanizer which would be a much more difficult problem to deal with. (I strongly suggest that you search for ‘How to Deal with a Philanderer’ to see the potential problems you could be facing). Whatever the problem, it is very unlikely that you are the one that can help him. A philanderer will get very angry if you try to tell him he has a problem and it may take a crisis of some sort to make him realize he has a problem, and the road to normality could be very difficult – but it would only happen if he got outside help.You must be honest yourself as well and ask yourself if you are carrying around any “baggage” from the past. Is there stuff in your past that you have not come to terms with? If you do, then try to deal with it. Doing so may help you face the problems that you may have with him.In the meantime make a promise to yourself that you will never ever participate in a threesome with him or watch him with another woman or let him watch you with another man or do anything else that you know doggone well is not right. Sometimes it’s fun to fantasize about it, but you will never do it. Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (15 September 2015):
 After reading your post, the word 'grooming' came to my mind as well.
This guy isn't being honest in order to build trust but to keep you on your toes. For him truth is merely a disclaimer so that if he falls back into his old pattern you can't complain because you were warned.
That life isn't behind him. It's all around him in the present. He's still openly fantasizing about other women.
I'm not going to spend a lot of time analyzing this guy, OP.
His behaviour raises the same question marks in everyone else's head so your judgment can't be that far off. Trust it and act accordingly.
Don't invest in this one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): +++++ I AM THE ORIGINAL POSTER ORIGUNAL POSTER AGAIN +++++I spoke to my bf and said a lot of what you guys said. And I said that I felt he was grooming me etc and preying upon my inexperience and how at the moment I'm interesting and new but as soon as he gets bored he will stray. I told him how horrible I feel and I feel completely inadequate and like I will never be enough for him as ultimately he has always been addicted maybe to women and sex.He got very upset and broke down in tears. He said he feels awful for the kinds person he was and for the first time he has just slept with one person for over a year. And how he feels ashamed that he could never say that about himself. He said how much I inpsired him to change and be a better man and how many things he gave up since being with me and how his life is so much for fulfilled since that. He says he will never want to cheat on me and that he has only ever been in love with me. And that I complete him. He said he has always been so honest with me as he just never wanted to hide anything at all from me as he doesn't feel he wants to or needs to do that. Which is why he would say those things. He has begged me to give him a chance and that he will fix things and prove me wrong. And show me that he will never cheat and work towards all these issues. And that he wants my help. He said he can't see his life without me and he will be devasted if he lost me esp like this.I have no idea what to do. Part of me feels that if I then stay and he does go off etc I will be a fool. The other part of me felt he seemed so sincere. I'm confused. Right now I feel just so empty and like I have nothing to give. I feel like a zero.Any thoughts on this? Is it worth risking the chance to give him or is it better to cut losses before too late.Thanks
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 September 2015):
 No, not all men are alike, think alike and act alike in reference to women. If you have met a love rat it does not mean that all men or most men or many men must be love rats too.
Same as if you were dating a vegan, it does not mean that all men would hate a nice steak.
Even men with the same background or in the same social / work environment will feel very differently about the issue.
There's a book, " Stone Alone " by Bill Wyman, ex bass player of the Rolling Stones, which reports the Stones rise to fame ,1962 to 1969. Wyman is a very meticolous and detail-oriented cronist ( and also a busybody ,apparently ) and he jotted down every time one of them brought back some chick to the hotel after the show.
The tally is : Wyman around 300, Brian Jones around 250, Mick Jagger 30, Keith Richards 6, Charlie Watts 0 .
Interesting isn'it ? It says that even being a rockstar, and subjected to all kinds of offers pressures and temptations, you can choose to stay committed to your true love ( Watts ) or to be a total mindless horndog
( Wyman ) and all shades in between.
Also interestingly, in Keith Richards' autobiography
( yeah I am a Rolling Srones fan :) he confirms his distaste for random hook ups and ONS , which never interested him or appealed to him. He can't flaunt a spotless record of fidelity , at least before his marriage with Patti Hansen, then again his steady relationships before that where open relationships with very wild,free-spirited women . So, he says that at times when he was in tour he has had temporary companions, whom he thinks of, and treated with , tenderness and respect, and with whom he has shared much more than a roll in the hay , and he has stayed in touch with along the years. He says, it may not have been about love but it always has been about affection and respect. And he drops a couple of acid comments about his more promiscuous colleagues.
Now of course he could be telling us bullshit to make himself look good ; but I'd be surprised , coming from a guy who has no qualms admitting any sort of bad stuff from heroine addiction to countless asaults and batteries .
See where I am going with this ? Keith Richards !( and not now that he is an old geezer, - when he was in his prime ): the ultimate bad boy, the uber alpha male, tough guy and sex icon ! Well, HE thinks that guys like your bf and his friends are insecure , contemptible losers , and the way they treat women is just disgusting. Makes you think, doesn't it ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): Your BF's words are like listening to a serial gold-digger saying that all other women are like herself deep down. Not true.
Your BF might think it's true because of who he is and who he associates with. Just like most female gold-diggers associate with others like themselves too.
But yeah, it sounds like your BF is grooming you to put up with his cheating in the future. Or maybe even the present.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 September 2015):
 I'm so glad Tisha said this, because I was thinking it all throughout your post:
He's not being honest. He is GROOMING you to accept his cheating on you or accept his pressure on you to engage in an open relationship.
There are a lot of guys who have a low count of sex partners who view women and sex in general as something much more sacred with someone they love. You are incompatible with this guy.
Don't listen to his "all guys are like this" crap. Many guys do NOT cheat! While we all have our fantasies, most of us are smart enough not to make them reality.
He may love you, but it's abundantly clear that he loves himself more, and he intends to cheat on you when you no longer excite him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): +++++ I AM THE ORIGUNAL POSTER ++++++Just wanted to clarify some things about this as I felt one of the posters misunderstood me.Firstly I do NOT think all men are jerks. My question was if most men are like this and think this way, as often my bf reasoning is that this is what most guys think, it's just that they choose to hide it from their gf. And I'm sorry if it comes across that I'm asking a maybe somewhat obvious or mundane question but I have only been with one guy before who I was with since we were both 14 and for nearly 10yrs. I'm not a serial dater or anything. So I just want to know if some of these things he says is true.Secondly, I am not attracted to bad boys at all. I did not start dating him thinking I can change him. When we first started dating, I knew he had a past and that he dated a lot of women. But I thought this was when he was much younger like 21 or something because after that he started having long term gf's. I didn't realise that actually it didn't stop when he got gf's and that he was cheating etc. When we were first dating he was sending me flowers to my home, coming over when I had flu to cook for me and took time off from work to look after me when I had a surgery etc. I mean, stuff a good bf would do. I didn't think he was a bad boy I was wanting to change. These are things I only found out a few months ago when we moved in together. So essentially when we first started dating, none of these truths were happening. I mean, in the beginning he was such a good bf I had no reason to even ask him if he would want other women or would cheat etc. But who knows maybe this comes down to my niavity when dating men. Remember, the last time I started dating a guy and I was only 14yrs old. So maybe in some ways I still need to develop that wiser and shrewdness most women have with dating and weeding out men.I moved in with him as couldn't afford to stay where I was. I have no family and not a strong circle of friends who I could turn to or rely on to stay with. In essence, he is my only family and the only person who is really there for me. I don't earn that much so I also feel stressed about where I could go if I move out. I can't afford rent on my own and even with having a roommate I was struggling to afford it based on what I earn, even though my rent was on the much cheaper end on what is available. Anyway my question was mainly that I am curious and wanted to know if this is what most men do think and feel. Or if I am being overly sensitive as this is natural for men to think and feel?Thanks
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): If you have a grasp on reality, you stay some place grounded about your opinions and expectations.
You also evaluate the people you date, and set criteria you know you can live with; and the things you know you can't.
It defies logic that you know your boyfriend's history with females, yet you chose to be with a guy like that. You picked a bad-boy, because you're intrigued with his ways; then you want to lump all men into the same category with your bad choice for boyfriend-material.
Who's to blame that you've committed yourself to a guy who says things to you to upset you; yet you choose to stay with him? Instead, you rationalize that all men are assh*les like your boyfriend; therefore you may as well stay and suffer. You may not have had a lot of boyfriends; but you are nearly 30, and you're no fool.
Drama-queens are drawn to bad-boys. They feel they will change him by showering him with love. Offering themselves up in martyrdom, when in essence they're just feeding him his narcissistic supply. They like the melodrama and tragedy of being the poor pitiful girlfriend sooooo in-love with an absolute jerk. If you see he behaves badly with his friends; how much does it take for you to decide he's a bad match? Not that all men are jerks like the one you picked.
Females contribute their share of heartache and misery to love; and it's pretty even. One balances the other out, and that's how nature has planned it. You pick what you're most compatible with to make them your mate. That's common-sense. Your boyfriend is a jerk, he disrespects your feelings, and it stands to reason he'd run with a pack of jerks. They don't represent what all men are, just who they are. They serve as good example of what women should avoid.
We had a poor heartbroken and frustrated nice guy on DC; wondering if all women are liars and hypocrites. I wonder why he would assume that? He dated six women, and that was his conclusion. Too bad! He tried his hardest to be everything they wanted. The better thing to do, was pick the women who liked him; and reciprocated whatever he gave them to show his feelings. I suspect he chooses women for their looks and appearance; and not their personalities.
Part of dating is dating all types; so you'll learn what personality/personalities works best with your own. If you set lower standards, and use no common-sense; you'll find yourself scrapping the bottom of barrel no matter what your gender is. You don't stay with people who don't show love, disrespect you, and hang with a pack of womanizing jackals.
They don't respect women.
Noting that both you and the young man are in the same age-group of millennials; it stands to reason you offer the opposing gender-related opinions that has come down through generations of dating. Nothing is new under the sun. Human nature rarely changes. Admittedly, people do seem to have a stronger sense of entitlement; and display more insensitivity than ever.
That comes with dependency on technology and a lack of interactive-skills. Love doesn't change, people do. Incompatible people never workout; they just have great sex.
You minimize the misery and frustration when you use a little logic and not let your heart take full charge of your emotions and decision-making. You have to standby your standards, and if you set them high for others. You damned well better be able to live up to them yourself.
There's always something wrong with the other person; but not me for choosing them, and sticking with them to see how much they can pluck the last of my nerves.
If a relationship sucks, you end it. Stop listening to guys who say one thing, and do another. I read your post twice, and see all the reasons to dump him. Instead, you want to blame the rest of mankind for how he behaves.
Seriously?!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 September 2015):
Is this what men are really like in their thoughts and feelings AND ACTIONS?
Well, I expect most heterosexual men have thoughts and fantasies about sex with other women. Many probably involve threesomes.
I can't answer as to his feelings as apparently his feelings mostly involve making sure you are super clear on his thoughts.
His actions? Choosing friends who objectify women. Cheating on a partner, rather than breaking up with her.
There's honesty and then there's grooming.
I know lots and lots of men who may well fantasize like crazy about other women but who are faithful and loyal partners and whose friends aren't trying to sleep with anything with a vagina.
If he gets to be super honest about his thoughts and feelings then I think you are well within the parameters of that relationship standard to be super honest about your thoughts and feelings.
Personally, I think you can do better. But that's me. I wouldn't want to hang out with his friends. As for the fantasies about threesomes and open relationship, well that's one thing. But to say that he can't be faithful? That's another.
Your pool of partners is so small that it's not really an accurate sample of all men.
I'd be saying buh bye to this one; there are so many quality men out there that there's no reason to settle for this one. :)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 September 2015):
 No of course not. He wants you to think this so you would not want to leave him for a purer man. He's using your innocence and inexperience to groom you to become what he wants, or at least be okay with the idea of open relationships. He would never treat his wife as a sexual object but he wants you to feel insecure to lose him so you could forgive him if he cheated. Using the logic that all men cheat or want to cheat, maybe you would forgive him, he thinks. It would be unrealistic to only find your mate attractive but no one else, but many people are capable of monogamy, and are satisfied with just one.
Talk to your dad, you brother if you have one. I am sure your dad would be enraged to know you are dating this guy.
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