A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for a little over three years now. He's currently in his forties. We broke up last year for about a month because he and I talked about getting married but then when we actually started trying to pick a date he told me his parents were not on board because of my race so I ended. We got back together because he ended up calling me, we talked, he said that he could get married to me despite his parents, but wanted to work on some issues first, such as sex (he thinks we don't do it enough and thinks I'm not passionate). It's been four months since we got back together, and I asked him about marriage again. I feel that we are having more sex, so I thought we were back on track. But now he's saying his parents are against it again. I don't know what to think. The weird thing is that I've met his parents and even stayed with them in their home for a weekend trip. I would think they wouldn't have had me over if they were against their son marrying me. We even had meals together, and they seemed nice. He also never mentioned this as an issue until we finally talked about the wedding date. He knew when we first started dating I was looking for long term commitment and ultimately marriage. It's really hard for me to even understand what's happening now. Some friends question whether he's being honest with me. But why would he contact me when we broke up if he thought his parents would he a problem again? I really don't understand and don't know what to do....
View related questions:
broke up, got back together, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 March 2017):
 He is 40, old enough to make up his own mind. The cold truth is he just does not want to marry you. If he did then he would show you. Sorry chick but your best ending things as he seems to be stringing you along.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (4 March 2017):
 Girl the issue isn't about his parents, your lack of passion or not doing it (sex) enough... he sucked you in with having more sex because he was missing it (sex and you) during the breakup.
The man has one BS excuse after another; delay tactics and you should have probed his parents if they have an issue about your colour/culture. 'Cause the last time I checked we are all part of one race; the human race.
Without doubt he's either got cold feet, he's noncommittal, needs approval from his parents which I believe is BS, he avoids the real tough issues or he can't commit to marriage outside his culture/colour for fear of social reprisal.
Whatever the case or excuse he hides behind, he in his 40's still hasn't put a ring on it after 3+years together!
He's giving you the run around girl... no doubt you seek emotional stability that marriage can bring with the right person, yet he's not the type or guy to give it to you.
Take Care - CAA
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (2 March 2017):
 Sounds like commitment phobia to me.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 February 2017):
 Im not sure about his parents. I have met parents who I thought I got on amazingly with, who I would even join for outings without my partner, who invited me with them for vacations, who would tell me how happy they are that their son is dating me.. And then in the end turn out to not ever have liked me at all and it was all just for show to try and be nice.
Some people are just good at being fake and making pretend because they want to "keep the peace and calm" and not debate things or talk about the elephants in the room.
So, to me, it sounds possible that his parents could be sweet to you when you met them, and yet be against their son marrying you.
Then again, I do believe that your boyfriend is the one who does not want to marry you. Come on. He is adult and well beyond. In his forthies. Somehow he acts like a 12 year old who needs his parents approval? I don't think so. If he's not marrying you, it is because HE doesn't want to marry you, and he is using his parents as an excuse. Whether the story about his parents is true or not. If he wanted to marry you, he'd marry you, regardless of what his parents think about the matter. He is over 40 for heavens sake, old enough to make up his own mind and make his own life decisions.
Does he also call his parents to ask if he should buy a new car, if he wants one? Does he need to have their permission before buying a house/apartment? Does he need them to allow him to go on vacations and does he need them to go over his finances and hand him allowances? No? Then why the heck would he need them to approve of who he marries?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): He's in his 40s and he's using the excuse of his parents don't like the idea.
1. he is lying to you - only a wimp at 40 does not know his own mind
2. he IS a wimp and who wants to be married to a wimp?
3. He is looking for any excuse to string you along and he has so little respect for your feelings that any old excuse will do.
4. once married, if he is telling you the truth, then this man will run back to Mommy and Daddy anytime he cannot solve a problem without their help.
There is a reason why he is still single at his age, and you on the threshhold of discovering why.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 February 2017):
 He doesn't want to marry you OP. And I don't think it's his parents who are pulling THAT string, that is just his excuse.
And the thing is IF the issue his parents had was your race - your sex life had nothing to do with it. YOU can't change your race. SO IF it was the parents making this choice, NOTHING has changed! You are still you, with whatever genetic and ethnic background you have.
Why would he contact you after you two broke up? Because he likes having sex with you (probably even more now that YOU have put forth an extra effort to please him). and he might like you as a person, but you are NOT marriage material in his book.
If you told him at the beginning, I'm looking for marriage and a husband and he said I'm looking for marriage and a wife - then he LIED to get into a relationship with you. That is who he is finding these issues YOU have to fix before he will even consider marriage - it's the carrot he is dangling in front of you. The ring and the wedding - except I don't think he has ANY intentions of marrying you. THUS you are wasting your time on this one. He will DRAG it out as long as he can.
You friend is right.
If you are OK with being with this guy and NEVER marry, stay with him. If you want more? End it and BLOCK him from contacting you. And then move on.
He isn't the first guy to lie about wanting to marry in order to get into a woman's pants and a relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (27 February 2017):
 He is 40 years old. He does not need his parents' approval (if this is, indeed, being withheld, which is doubtful).
In your shoes I would be giving this guy a wide berth. Either he really is under his parents' influence (and they are hiding their disapproval of you to your face), or he is lying to you. Neither is a good situation. Remember this is something you will have to put up with for a very long time if you get married. Think carefully whether this is what you want.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): No, I don't think he is being honest with you. I think he is using them as an excuse for his own indecision. He says that his parents disapprove only to buy himself more time.
This man is in his 40s, his opinion of his parents should not influence him to the degree of not marrying the girl of his dreams. That is ridiculous. If they disapprove, they don't have to attend the wedding.
But I don't think that they really do disapprove of you, as you pointed out they have been welcoming.
I think that someone who could be dishonest like that and even assassinate the characters of their family members just to buy themselves more time isn't good news.
Also if he had just needed more time from the start, it would have been much better to just never have proposed the idea of marriage to you in the first place. It seems like you were virtually engaged and then he broke it off. Also not a good sign to be reneging on a life choice.
If he had a problem with the frequency of sex why didn't he tell you and try to work it out rather than just leave.
Even telling you about all these other problems that were REALLY going through his head when he broke it off shows you it wasn't really about his family in the first place.
I think you are best to move on.
...............................
|
