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Is it really wrong to pay for sex

Tagged as: Big Questions, Health, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 September 2016) 21 Answers - (Newest, 22 September 2016)
A male Australia age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have reading the many posts on dearcupid from men who are contemplating paying for sex. I see that most people are against it, like it is the lowest a guy can go. I am at the lowest point in my life now and it will only get worse. I have Marfan Syndrome. I quit my job recently because my heart was giving me problems. My doctor gave me half a year to live, a year at most.

I am still a virgin even though my time is up. I have been in a relationship but I don't know what it is like to be physically close to another person. In fact I don't know what it even feels like to be emotionally close to another person. Nice of her to lead me on and cheat with my friend when I was down.

Will I still respect myself and look at myself with dignity when I am on my death bed if I know that I paid for sex? Will people think of me as a lowlife if I had sex with a prostitute only once in my lifetime?

I don't ask for much from my life. I don't desire to be a billionaire, to be famousr, or to go sky diving. I don't need to be handsome. Just not to look like a freak. What would it feel like for a girl to want me, want to be with me? What is it like to have sex? To be naked with another woman. In fact I have never seen a naked woman with my own eyes. I started looking at porn two years ago, but it feels like I am missing something. Maybe because of my religious upbringing.

I have considered going to a sex surrogate. I remember that movie with Helen Hunt. Sex surrogates aren't prostitutes, are they? Or maybe they are? It doesn't matter, I can't find a surrogate where I live. Should I go to an escort instead? That should be one level higher than going to a brothel. But escorts are expenses. Doesn't does it matter? I doesn't look like I will be needing my money one year from now.

So, will I do it, or will I not do it?...

View related questions: escort, money, porn, prostitute, still a virgin

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (22 September 2016):

Abella gave some really solid advice. And to add to that, I'd just like to say: ask for forgiveness, not for permission. If you're nearing the end of your life, don't let what other people may or may not think of you hold you back from what you still want to experience.

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (21 September 2016):

Abella agony auntI am glad that you've dated a little. Though very sorry that she callously cheated on you. That was low.

You have correctly identified that high-end prostitutes are very expensive. This is where your Doctor comes into the picture. Ask if the medical system does or would allow you to see a sex therapist where your Doctor refers you to the therapist. I am aware that this can happen in the UK. That would allow you to experience intimacy and sex over a series of sessions without having to pay out for a regular sex worker.

Some obscure little known options are often available but rarely given publicity.

I had a wonderful discussion over several years with a highly intelligent young lady with Marfan syndrone and she was an inpiring young woman who chose to pack as many studies as possible into her life. She also took time to smell the roses and read books about places she'd like to visit. She also managed, for a while, to date a charming understanding young man who enjoyed her company and was not discouraged by her health challenges.

Her strategy suited her.

In your situation you have correctly chosen and identified some strategies that suit your situation.

You don't need to justify your chosen decisions.

You don't need to seek the approval of others to take these incremental steps to discoverring more about a natural activity that gives millions joy every day.

In your situation I think finding a counsellor (with knowledge of a suitable and empathic sex worker who would be happy to introduce to the joy of sex) would be the best way to proceed. Your Doctor should be able to source a suitable specialist.

You certainly do not need to be worried about people labelling you for visiting a paid woman. After all, Kings, religious men, very fit sportsmen, television and media stars, captains of industry, respected men from all walks of life DO visit prostitues, some more often than others.

If you don't mention that you visited a prostitute then no one you know will ever discover your secret.

It is more common than you realize.

Have you considered what you are looking for in terms of the woman who will introduce you to sex? Do you have a preference for any particular hair color, body build or attribute?

When you book a woman for sex it is very common for a man to ask for certain things in advance. Such as what he would like the woman to wear. Or preferred hair color. So do not be too hesitant to ask for what you want, in advance.

Or even before you try out a real live girl have you considered trying a ''fleshlight'' device just to experience an orgasm. I have been told that the experience is very pleasant for a man and that it feels just like the real thing.

You have the right to a fulfilling life as far as you are able to experience it.

No one has the right to judge you nor judge your decisions. Some may still try to judge you (someone always does).

But what they think of you is THEIR PROBLEM to think about, mull over, and ponder. If they want to be concerned or indignant or outraged then it's time to ignore them.

It is NOT your problem at all.

Just get on with enjoying your life. And leave the worriers to ponder about other people and what other people are doing.

Instead I suggest that you Smell the roses. Look up and admire a rainbow. Try a fruit or a vegetable you've never tried before. Visit a pretty park. Or visit a Pretty (working) Woman for your sexual pleasure. Try out swimming. Ride a bicycle. See some good films.

But don't ever think you need to apologise for enjoying yourself. Life is too short for that.

I wish you well.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (21 September 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntMate, Im a woman and I say go for it. This is no bodies business but yours. Friends, I would like to think would say the same. The how, who's and what we do in our sex life our own personal journey. This is bucket list stuff and unless these friends of yours are walking in your shoes I hardly think you need their approval. Get jiggy with my friend.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016):

Three of my friends from work visited me today. They were asking when I was going to return to work. I took this opportunity to tell them my plans. I told them everything, including what you guys on dearcupid said. They were begging not to do it. They kept saying that I am better than this, that I should stay strong, that sex isn't everything. Now I am not sure if I should carry on with my plans. The friends I were talking about were women, by the way.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016):

It's not wrong! Go do it while you still can!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2016):

I have no idea how it is in your country, but here in the USA another possibility is to go to a massage parlor. If you choose the right place then for $60 you will have a pretty lady massaging your naked body. Around here it is $40 extra if you want her to jerk you off. Also, most of them will let you touch their bodies-- some over their clothes, some under.

Apparently some places also offer BJ's and sex for more money.

Unless you need money or driving from your parents I wouldn't tell them anything. They don't need to know and probably don't want to hear it.

If you feel like you must tell them, then probably your dad is the one to talk to?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2016):

Do you think my parents would be unhappy if I paid for sex? Should I ask them for their support? I haven't told them what I have in mind.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2016):

Just because most people here think one way or the other doesn't make it right or wrong. It just means the people here are biased! Go for it! I would look for one willing to provide you a GFE.

Best of luck to you.

BTW Honeypie is usually on target but I think she misspoke.

Sex with a prostitute IS sex. Maybe what she meant is that it is probably less fulfilling than sex with a loving partner.

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A female reader, NORA B Ireland + , writes (15 September 2016):

That just is...You will only paying for sex and maybe very disappointed with the experience.A MAN/WOMAN first experience should be..that you are not just having sex..But making LOVE.There is a huge difference,so try and get to know and like some woman first.That both of you desire to make love,and have feelings for each other.Kind regards NORA B.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2016):

"But I will say this, as you seek a escort maybe also ask a female friend if shes willing to help you lose your virginity? Some women are compassionate and may consider giving you a great night or two since they know you are sick and wont have much to live."

You can't be serious! I have never heard of any woman doing such a thing. This won't help me lose my virginity, just my reputation.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (14 September 2016):

chigirl agony aunt"Will I still respect myself and look at myself with dignity when I am on my death bed if I know that I paid for sex? "

Only you can answer that.

As for whether people will judge you, remember that only God can judge. Pray, and find your answer. If you're not a religious man, think, and find your answer. Works all the same.

Life is never black and white. Yes, prostitution is morally wrong, and paying for someone elses body is wrong. To want to feel closeness, intimacy and experience sex, is not wrong. Only you have to feel what is right in this case, right for you. No one said making moral choices was easy.

But do make sure you're not breaking any laws. Do buy sex is illegal in several countries. Make sure you stay on the right side of the law. You wouldn't want to risk spending the time you have left in jail.

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (14 September 2016):

If you're going to do this, don't pick up your average prostitute. You were talking about sex surrogates earlier and though surrogate therapy is a thing in the US, I have not been able to find a lot about it in Australia. Maybe it would be good to contact a sex therapist and ask them about possibilities? Explain your situation, your desires and they can tell you if they can make it happen for you in the time you have left.

If that's not an option, go for a higher end escort. In the end you want someone who makes you feel good about yourself and makes sex more than just "okay, I have your money, you got me for an hour". I think the latter might do more damage than good. So contact an escort agency near you, explain what you're looking for. That way there's the best chance of having a positive experience.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 September 2016):

Honeypie agony auntYou want to pay for sex, what is stopping you? JUST be aware of the laws in your state/territory/region for soliciting/buying sex.

If you think your life isn't complete unless you insert your penis in a woman, there really isn't much anyone can say to change your mind, is there?

This is your life, you don't need "our" permission. However, WHAT the aunties and uncles are telling you is, sex with a prostitute is not really sex. It's an exchange of money for a service. That isn't sex. Just like porn isn't sex.

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A female reader, singinbluebird United States +, writes (14 September 2016):

singinbluebird agony auntGo for it. Sounds like youve thought his thru and thru. But I will say this, as you seek a escort maybe also ask a female friend if shes willing to help you lose your virginity? Some women are compassionate and may consider giving you a great night or two since they know you are sick and wont have much to live. She may also be safer and she may know and understand your needs better. But as you mentioned if they just want to be platonic friends, so be it.

Def look into finding the right girl to pay for sex however. Id say seek a gentle lover initially, and make sure shes very experienced that nothing you do or say or feel or look like can deter her. Many experienced sexual females are very giving and gentle and accommodating and actually are very intelligent and safe. So dont just pay anyone! Make sure you find the right gal to do it right.

Good luck pal! Let us know how it goes =)

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (14 September 2016):

N91 agony auntThen what's stopping you? If you don't have much time left and you want to know what it feels like then go and do it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2016):

Why am I getting so many different opinions? And I don't mean to be rude, but some of you did not read what I wrote correctly. I don't have long to live. Who would want to have a relationship with a dying man. Even if she wants to have a relationship I don't think I would reciprocate. It would be very selfish of me, don't you think so? To use someone just for sex. At stop lecturing me as if i were a child. I am not some nerd who is afraid of talking to women. Most of my closest friends are women actually. I have very few guy friends. I don't have mates I can hang out with. I have been turned down many times by women. Women treat me like their best friend but not someone they want to have sex with. I am definitely not the alpha male women love. I guess that is fair enough since women would like good genes for their children, and I am so sickly looking. I did have a girlfriend. We knew each other from uni. She was cheating on me and having sex with another man. I never had sex with her.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (14 September 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntGo for it. Who is anyone to say what is right or wrong between to consenting adults. But do your homework. I think the surrogate sounds ideal. Your in Australia right? Maybe this link can point you in the right direction.

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A female reader, babalou United Kingdom +, writes (14 September 2016):

babalou agony auntConsider dating/hookup apps or websites if you really feel it's necessary. It's maybe a bit safer than a prostitute and it's also free. Plus you get the chance to get to know someone before you get to that step. Put yourself out there in as many ways as you can.

But also, like Aunt Honesty said, don't give up.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2016):

Women say "don't pay for sex" for two reasons.

First, because most women don't believe it could really be that hard for anyone to get it. Their own life experience is very different so the idea just does not sink in no matter how much they hear men saying it. The second reason is because they get turned off by the idea of a guy who pays for it. They think that is something only creeps do (because why would any normal man ever need to pay for it, when sex is basically easy to get?)

Men say "don't pay for sex" because it usually will not leave you feeling better in the way you want it to. Its very impersonal and you may come out feeling worse. Nine tenths of the older virgins who are ready to pay for sex are really wanting the experience of sex with a willing partner who has some affection for them. That is harder to buy.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (13 September 2016):

N91 agony auntIf you want to do it mate there's nothing wrong with it at all. The sex will be meaningless as its not someone that you care about, but you want to know what it's like to have sex and that's one way to do it.

Why would people look down on you? You don't have to announce that you've done it. It's no one else's business.

If it will make you feel better then there nothing wrong with it man, it's completely your choice and no one can judge you for it.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (13 September 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntAre you on the correct treatment for your Marfan case? I have heard off doctors before telling people they only have a certain time to live, but that might not be the case, so first off I think you should get a second opinion on this. It sounds to me like you have given up on enjoying the rest of your life, and worrying you won't even make it until this time next year, but that is only one doctors opinion, try others and be more positive that you can fight through this with the proper treatment and care.

Okay so you are not working at the moment, so you have a lot of time on your hands, probably most of it spent sitting feeling down about everything, and who would blame you. But your time is not up, listen to your heart beat, you are still alive, so don't spend your time doing nothing. Okay so you are a virgin try change that, but it does not mean you have to buy sex.

You say you where in a relationship, I wonder why you both did not get close or intimate? Was it her or you that did not want that? I am sorry that she hurt you when you where down. But you need to forget about that now and her.

If I am being honest, if you want your first time to be with a prostitute you are not going to get emotionally closed, they are only offering you a service, not love. I think it might make you feel even worse about yourself, sex is a lot more than just the act, it is about feelings, passion and a connection. I understand you feel you are running out of time, but you need to make an effort to meet someone. Have you tried online dating? Have you tried meeting women and getting to know them?

You wonder what it would feel like for a girl to want you, but a prostitute wont, all they want is your money. Believe me if you can find a woman who likes you for who you are that is worth x100000 times of a cheap hook up with a prostitute. Have the will to try and meet someone. Think more positive.

I am not going to tell you what to do, it is your life to live as you want, I can totally understand why you are wanting to do this, and my heart goes out to you, but maybe try meeting women first, give it a try and see how it works. I wish you all the best. Please do not give up.

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