A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:After a tough break up last year, I've been only getting out to start dating now. I met one lady at start of February, I've met her 4 other times now, even cooked her breakfast. I met another girl two weeks ago, that wouldn't work out. I met another girl this weekend, we spent 7 hours together, drinking, chatting, watching sports and very few silent moments.They are different types of girls, one is vibrant and very beautiful, the other is measured, intellectual and just above average looking. I like them both, and the one this weekend said I may get a second date in a teasing way, so I think she likes me.Is it bad I go on dates with both of them until I see who I like? Right now I am undecided, one is intellectual like me, the other is funny and very vibrant. I will ensure I wont get into a relationship with both though.Is this bad, am I a player?
View related questions:
player, teasing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): "how else are we supposed to figure this out? is serial monogamy the only way to go?"
you have to be honest at the start with the people that you're dating and realize that some of them, probably most of them, may not be happy with the situation and will opt out of it- otherwise you're just a liar and a player.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the plethora of responses here! I am really happy you've all taken time to help me out.
Things have really begun to take off with girl 2 from last week. She has the same profession as one of my siblings and said would my sibling be impressed! She also hinted at having sex as fun.
Thing is she also makes an effort to get in touch, the other girl, she has gone away for the week, but it's mostly if I don't text, she won't.
I do see how this could become a troubled scenario, I haven't yet chosen, but I may have to take a step back and cool things a little bit.
If these other girls were dating other guys, I'd be not happy too, but elated I'd been chosen if I was the last man standing.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 Again I think we have to DEFINE DATING:
Wikipedia says:
Dating is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. While the term has several senses, it usually refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple.
The protocols and practices of dating, and the terms used to describe it, vary considerably from country to country. The most common sense is two people trying out a relationship and exploring whether they're compatible by going out together in public as a couple, and who may or may not yet be having sexual relations, and this period of courtship is sometimes seen as a precursor to engagement or marriage.[1][2]
note that it says things like
assessing
trying
exploring
again as long as you are not telling each of the young ladies that they are your one and only and you are just DATING... I see no problem with it.
how else are we supposed to figure this out? is serial monogamy the only way to go?
...............................
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (28 February 2012):
 Honestly, if I were single and I was dating a man that told me he is also seeing other women, I would check out. Why would I open myself up to a person and share who I am if he is seeing other women? In theory it sounds great. I mean who wouldn't want to test-drive multiple people and make a decision based on who they feel is the most compatible? But the truth is, when the tables are turned around, it suddenly doesn't look or feel so great. If anything it will leave you questioning the person's interest in you and their sincerity in pursuing anything with you. This is one of those things that is really one sided. It only benefits one person; it only benefits the person who is dating multiple people. How would you feel if you found out that the girl you're dating is also dating another guy on the side? Not so great, right?The girls are not benefiting from this. They're clueless and you're keeping them clueless because you're uncomfortable bringing up the subject. You're uncomfortable because by telling them the truth, you could very well loose both of them, or one of them. Hanging out as you put it, is not the truth. You're not just handing out. Hanging out is what friends do. Something that has no romantic interest involved. You're already lying to them and that is not cool.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): "I may consider other things but not full on intimacy.
I haven't told them I'm openly dating, but more like hanging out kind of thing, I or they haven't moved in for the 'kill' yet."
so basically you haven't told them you're dating them both and you're considering some form of sex with them? if so- yes this is deceitful player behavior- be prepared to have 2 or more unhappy women who may and should both kick you to curb when they find out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): OP the most important thing here is you don't hurt them or go beyond your own moral limits. If it feels wrong, it is wrong.
Try not to be too picky either but a relationship with a girl you can actually talk to and have a lot in common with will have a better chance of lasting than a relationship with one based solely on looks.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 February 2012):
It can become ugly fast. I just settle for dating one-at-a-time and once I sense things aren't working, I'll end it and move onto the next. That way no-one gets deceived or lied to and you can keep things clean.
Theoretically, this casually dating two women at a time thing is possible, but you have to be really really careful with your words. Never tell them you love them, care for them or anything that goes beyond the friendship barrier while they're still both involved. Also, like others have said, the longer you wait, the more attracted you may get to the both of them, or the opposite may happen: they get impatient and decide to drop you.
"[...]Does this tell me something?"
I don't know these girls and I don't know you, so there's no way I can make that choice for you. Just know this: just because the 'intellectual' girl is more open from the get-go doesn't mean the other one doesn't have anything insightful to say on those things. She may just be cautious because she doesn't know where you're going with this. I don't discuss that type of stuff with guys unless I think there's a relationship on the horizon. So keep that in mind, which brings me to the next point:
- Dating two gals at a time puts you in a disadvantage the way multitasking does. You think you're being more efficient, but in reality you're not because you're just switching attention between the two of them instead of being fully focused on the both of them like you think you are. That means you miss out on things and you have to make a decision quicker than you would if you were dating them one at a time. Which means more room for error.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): If they don't know about each other it's deceitful, player behavior if you want to call it that. If you tell them you're dating other people that is ok but be prepared to have them maybe not be ok with it even if there is no sex involved. If there is sex involved it's definitely player behavior imo.
The problem with dating multiple people is when do you decide when it will stop, when do you say this is the one I want to focus on? The more time you spend with people the more you may become attached and the more time you feel is invested.
Some people don't want to spend a lot of time if it isn't going to turn into a relationship at some point unless they are also dating multiple people. I think it's better just to go out with one person a few times, end it if you decide nothing is there and start with someone else after. It can get confusing dating multiple people all at the same time.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for the replies.
Just a few things, there is no way I am willing to sleep with any of them. I may consider other things but not full on intimacy.
I haven't told them I'm openly dating, but more like hanging out kind of thing, I or they haven't moved in for the 'kill' yet.
Strangely, the pretty one, I've known her longer, yet with the intellect, we only met on Friday, yet we have spoken so much on relationships, boundaries we may cross, nothing of this with pretty face.
Does this tell me something?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): You have to tell them you are seeing other people as well.. I had written before.. and I'm writing this again.. because people seem to think it's not a big deal.. I'm a girl and I do not like guys who are dating other girls and sleeping around as well.. and NOT TELLING ME ABOUT IT. that would suck. and yes that would be called a player attitude.. even if those weren't your intentions..You are not being honest .. so in my eyes .. you were playing me.. and who knows you might lose interest in me after you have sex.. and if you didn't tell me that you had another girl in your radar as well.. well it means you were only mildly interested in me.. so I would act accordingly.. I personally wouldn't be too keen to sleep with a guy only mildly interested in me..I hope you get this...
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): I think dating a few people at once is fine as long as it's not physical (i.e. sexual), and there's no expectation of committment from any of them at the time you're dating. I was dating my wife and 2 other women at the same time, and she was dating 1 other guy at the same time as we started dating. but there was nothing sexual about it. More like just getting to know you stuff. However, once my wife and I became 'intimate' It changed everything. It was assumed that it was a committed relationship, mostly because I was my wife's first, but anyway, we talked about it after having sex the first time, and we agreed that we both wanted just each other.I've heard (but never experienced) that some people just screw around and until they actually say the words 'are we bf/gf and committed' will just keep dating and do anyone. That won't work in the long run. Fun, sure, but you'll never get into a loving relationship that way. On the flip side, if you start dating the 'hot' one and pass on the 'intellectial' one (again, before you become intimate with either) you might be losing out on the love of your life. Keep dating both, but keep your 'thing' zipped up until you choose which one would be a better 'friend' and 'life-partner'. I know it worked for me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): Naw you're not a player in these circumstances.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2106947/The-single-girls-dating-men-time.html
Not that I would put too much credence in the Daily Mail nor their study in my experience single girls very often have a few guys they're "just texting" and "just hanging out with".
A good few of the single girls I know are both dating in real life and then going home and flirting/chatting up other guys online.
No one would call them players, they're "just keeping their options open" and so are you. Just because you're a guy doesn't make you a player by testing out two girls.
The only problems you have to consider is that you may end up in a messy situation if you don't play this right. Don't do anything to mess up with either of them. See where it goes but don't leave it too long to make your choice. You would be a player if you let it go too far. As for sex, well the girls I know that are testing out these other guys have no problem testing them sexually too, so while you're not committed to either of them you are technically free to test them out sexually too just be considerate in those regards.
Most importantly is don't promise anything or profess feelings for either of them while they're both still around. That's playing and that's not nice. Don't lie, deceive or treat badly. Just enjoy them both and make your decision sooner rather than later.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 February 2012):
 If you are having sex with both and playing "who plays wrap the hotdog the best wins me!" Then I would call you player.
If you are honest about not being monogamous yet, then I don't see the problem, though once sex enters the picture you need to figure out what/who you want. They aren't cars you take for a test drive....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): So long as there is no sexual relations occuring. Flirting, kissing is fine, even hand holding and snuggling.
However, you should bring such matters to light. I have recently learned, while I am an open book, honest about my intentions and let men know I still actively date when single status, I do not engange in sex. I hold hands, hug, flirt and very rarely kiss anyone, even then its a kiss on the check or neck and not the mouth.
Other people hide, lie, conceal such intents and actions until too late; pretending to be chaste people but discover otherwise.
Accountability is everything.
Women tend to more dislike you hanging, meeting, being intimate with others while they believe they are the only one getting your attentions and affections. Its dishonest and a lie to omit the truth and allow others to assume it is the case.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): yea i agree with the previous posters... you shouldn't have sex with either of them before making your choice... and maybe letting them know you are seeing other people ... subtly... is a good idea...
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2012):
As long as you are not pretending you are monogamous with them and are above board and honest about what's going on I see no problem with it.
UNLIKE CHIGIRL I however think kissing is just fine (as long as they know that they are not your one and only which is an awkward thing to discuss I admit)....
The key here is open and honest communication.
"I like you a lot but I'm not ready to settle down into a serious monogamous relationship yet"
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 February 2012):
 Chigirl hit it exactly right on the head.
You're a player if you're getting physical with these girls without their knowing that you're also dating others.
If you're dating more than one to just get to know them, that's fine. However, having sex with both of them while you take your time making your choice is not good, and no, you don't need to "test drive" them sexually to help make your choice. We are not cars.
No one on here has mentioned this, but what are you intentions for dating? Are you having casual fun, or are you looking for someone to call "girlfriend" and spend an extended amount of time with?
If you are thinking long term possible choices, think 20 years from now. Which one do you think would be your best choice for longevity? Which one is smart enough and practical enough to make good social and financial choices? Who is closer to their family? These may not be the most romantic choices, but they are nonetheless things to think about.
So I won't tell you who to date, but simply not to have sex with either until AFTER you've made your choice, not before.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (27 February 2012):
 HI
you said you cooked breakfast for one, does this mean you had an eventful night? if so then dating another girl would be wrong. there is nothing wrong in dating a couple of people, as long as there is no sexual contact, or kissing involved.
Mandy x
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 No, this is fine, as long as there is no kissing or sex with either of them. Going on dates is fine when you are not in a relationship. But MOST people count the beginning of a relationship from the FIRST KISS. So you must not kiss any of them, or else they might think you are more serious about them than you are.
A player is someone who uses other women for his own benefit, and by use I mean has sex with them.
Dating several women with the hope of being in an exclusive relationship with one, and not kissing anyone or having sex with anyone, is not being a player. It's just dating. You date more people to find out who you want to be in a relationship with.
But that said, if you can not make up your mind then probably neither of these girls are your perfect match. When you meet that special someone it will not be difficult to make up your mind about whether or not you should be with her.
But if you must pick out of these two, I say go with the intelligent one. Otherwise your life might get boring and uninteresting very fast.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (27 February 2012):
 No it is not bad at all, there is no reason not to date a few girls if you like them - because you need to get to know them better before you make a decision to settle down with one of them. Just be careful not to end up sleeping with more than one girl at a time - dating more than one girl is fine, having sex with more than one girl is not ok!
However I will issue you a word of warning - if one is very beautiful, and the other doesnt have the best looks but has the personality, then it is never going to work with either of them. You shouldnt have to either settle for the less attractive one just because you like her personality, or go for the attractive one but wish she had more going on mentally - there are actually girls out there with both believe it or not!
If a girl isnt beautiful, intellectual and funny all in one package then she isnt the girl for you.
You are not a player for dating more than one girl, but dont let yourself miss out on your perfect girl just because you feel you should choose one or the other. It sounds to me more like if you rolled both girls into one then that is your perfect girl!
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, MarlonT +, writes (27 February 2012):
heres a quote iamheretohelpyou told me 'beauty can expire, intelligence can inspire' basically peoples looks change but intelligent conversations last. Now pick. The wrong is in dating both and not letting them know about it. Maybe u will tell them and one will 'drop out' because they don't like u dating both. That makes it easier right.
...............................
|
