A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i was with my ex for a year and half. we went through a lot together. we had a baby girl few months ago. i eventually realised that i have no friends left due to him alienating them all and few family members too. he always kept hold of my bank cards and never wanted to be seen in the highstreet with me so he always went alone, which made sense as he had a gambling addiction. as soon as i got pregnant he was not attracted to me anymore and he went out drinking all the time instead of sitting indoors with me which made me even more paranoid. then when we had the baby i loved him even more but when she was a few days old he told me i wasnt marriage material anymore in front of a female friend of his when he knew i was already realy paranoid of her. i kept putting up with things like that for a few more months till i literally couldnt anymore i decided to leave him and hes gone crazy on me...i had no choice i had to leave the baby with him. there is no way he would of let me take her so i agreed to only have her weekends but he makes it so difficult. hes just told me that hes getting social services on me because i aparently said im going to cut his throat..that is absolute bullshit i did not say that! the bullshit never ends theres always something.and hes probably telling my baby daughter that i dont care about seeing her.i do care i love her so much but it petrifies me to be alone with him so i ask him if a family member can pick her up and he says no only i can.and nobody can come with me if anyone else turns up he wil call the police. so then when i tell him i wont bother and il go through court instead he then switches it round to make it look like im not bothered by saying i can bring someone with me and its all ok.!!! its been going on for so long now and i really dont kno how much longer i can take it. ive been to womens support but they cant help as hes not hitting me..im so stuck in a major rut i dont know what to do is this behaviour normal? baring in mind i havent even told you half of it there is looooooooaaaaaads more..this isnt normal is it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): This is all very sad. You are so young but have got yourself involved with a manipulative, nasty man. Firstly you must get some legal advice. Citizens Advice Centre might be good as a first port of call. Do you have a social worker or anyone connected to you since the birth. You could get in touch with Social Services on your own account, explain the situation. You can not sort this out yourself, you need help. Your child is at risk being in the care of this man, without you as the mother in her life. But you MUST, at this early stage, get legal advice.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (27 February 2012):
 Why couldn't you take your child, in cases like this, you have a lot more rights than him. Do you have no safe home to give her, are you working/college and will have to leave her unsuppervised. Are you still under a health visitor.
You need better legal advice. Domestic abuse is not just about getting hit, it is also about restricting access to your children.
First if your still under a health visitor, ask her for some help and advice. Next contact the Citizen's Advice Bureau and ask for some help in getting access. If he keeps cancelling your visits, as you say you can get access through the courts or you can meet with your daughter at a safe location.
How could you let him steal your baby away. If she is months old, it's you she needs desperately. If he's using her as some kind of weapon, then she'll be one mixed up kid and have problems in life.
He didn't marry you, therefore as the mother, it's you not him that has the rights. No this behaviour is not normal, it's very abusive to you and the child. But you behaviour is strange as well as far as I'm concerned, how could you leave your child alone with such a man. I know you is trying hard, but your kid is so little, you must miss her desperately. Don't give her to him.
Go and get some advice right now.. I have no idea why the woman's support group were so useless.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (27 February 2012):
 May I suggest you go to the poice a.s.a.p tell them everything, and how scared you were that if you took your daughter away from him you didn't know what he would do. You can get legal aid who are great. You must have been in a very difficult situation to be willing to leave your child behind, But there is help for you, dont let this go on any longer, as the longer you leave it , the better chance he has to make you look bad.How long has he had your daughter? and has he abused you in any way? you need to write everything down, keep a diary too of anything you do from now on, what he says, when you visit or try to visit. putes dates, times, places, dont leave out a thing.
Mandy x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): If you weren't married then you as the mother have the law on your side, to have your child with you.You have parental responsibility for her.
You need to see a solicitor, if your on a low income or benefits you will get Legal Aid.
The thing is, you walked away and left her,for whatever reason,which is saying you know she was safe with your Ex,so you now have to sort out everything properly.
Don't get into arguments with him,or even tell him,just get it to court as soon as you possibly can.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 Alright. First of all, is the child in any danger? That's #1 above anything. Sounds like as bad as this guy is, he's not a child abuser, nor would he neglect the kid?? Right?
Second, you need to get to court, because this guy doesn't make the decisions. Go to court and file for custody. I don't know the exact laws and due process in the UK, but the courts should be called in to establish custody.
Third, you do have your own bank account now, right?? If you're working, have your own money. He shouldn't have control over your money, as he's not married to you. This is the danger of playing house with bank accounts, credit cards, and mortgages without the security and legality of marriage.
Fourth, he may have alienated you from friends and family, but he's not able to do that now. Reconnect big time.
Stay calm. The baby is too young to hear the lies that you don't want to see him. Stay methodical, keep a journal to document your plans to get custody.
This guy is being controlling. You should be the only one to get your child, but you should be able to come with any other family member. You should know by now that it's not a good idea to bring a new boyfriend when you get one. But you need to go to court!
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