A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some help to weigh up my relationship, please. I feel I put in most of the effort and it is starting to get to me. We've been together 18 months. It feels like i'm always the one suggesting things to do, like going to the cinema or out for the day; or making the effort to cook a nice meal for him or run him a bath when he's had a bad day; or to listen to his worries about work or money or stuff. He always talks at me, and doesn't ask me about my day:( What really brought it home to me was our birthdays. I wanted to make him feel special on his birthday. I secretly took time off work to bake him a cake, decorate his flat, and arranged a surprise meal out with his friends as well as giving him a birthday present of a weekend away doing an activity that he has always wanted to do. He was really happy and it was great to see him having fun! But, then on my birthday, he spent an hour with me:( He bought me a lovely card and cake. I really hoped he'd spend some time celebrating with me around my birthday if not on the actual day. He'd asked me what I wanted to do, and I said there was a film I wanted to see, but we didn't do anything :( I didn't feel special at all. I've kinda been reflecting on our whole relationship, and I feel that although I love him, support him, care about him, want him to be happy, it does feel a little one-sided, and I'm not sure I want to carry on in this way. I've also been thinking about how unsupported I felt by him when I miscarried our baby. How since then (it happened 9 months ago) I've asked him if we can do something to mark our loss, like planting some flowers or something, and he doesn't listen. Everything else in our relationship is going good, and neither of us have any big worries in our lives at the moment. We both spend time doing our own things each week, both work and hobbies, see friends regularly, have a good sex life, so I feel our relationship is healthy in every way apart from this.I guess what I'm asking is, how much imbalance is ok in a relationship? How do you judge whether you should stay? Because I do love him, but I don't want to carry on as things are. And how do I sensitively talk with him about these feelings without sounding critical? I don't want to criticise him, I just want him to know that sometimes I need him to ask me how I am, or to do something to make me feel special to him.Thanks :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (29 February 2012):
Relationships are all about give and take from both sides, but it seems in your case, you are doing all the giving and he is doing all the taking.
Have you talked about this?
To put it bluntly I don't think you have a future together, based on what you have said, and I think deep down you know this too.
You have to put yourself first and ask if yourself how long you can put up with this and if you can't see any change then there's little hope.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): I understand that a relationship will not be 50/50 all the time. But for all you have done for him, there has to be at least a little more effort on his part. I was in a similar situation. I gave chance after chance (over 15 months) to see him take some initiave in the relationship, but there very little investment on his end. There is now someone new who is going well out of his way to do whatever he can to win my heart--he wants to change my oil, take me to shows, sends me love songs, planting me a garden in the spring--he genuinely cares and SHOWS that he does. I didn't believe this kind of guy existed outside of the movies! I also know not everyone is quite this extreme, either. But there has to be some action, some sort of proof of true love and care, not just a comfortable or "meh" kind of attitude about the relationship.
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