A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend's ex is still in the picture but on the peripherals, and I'm finding it hard to understand why. I have tried, so I'm just going to put the facts, coupled with my thoughts, and would like anyone to give me their feedback on what they think, please. So my bf was with his ex for about 6 years. She cheated on him with someone from work, he found out, they split for a little bit, then got back together because they didn't want to throw away the years that they were together so far. Then a year after that, she cheated again with the same guy. They split for good. Although she had tried to get him back, by inviting him around (can't remember why), she started crying, so he hugged her, and she turned her head to kiss him, and he stepped back, said how he's not starting something with her again and left. Months later, our mutual friend encourages us to add each other online and talk, see where it goes. After 8 months of talking, we met up and have been together ever since. So obviously it was posted online. At this point, his ex was still a friend of his on all social media platforms.I noticed on her Instagram she hadn't deleted any of her pictures with him. Or their days out. After the first few months of me and my bf being together, I noticed she had blocked me but not him. I pointed this out to him and how it made me feel uncomfortable, and without being provoked he blocked her on everything, stating "it's easy for me to do because I don't care about her, I care about you, and if it's upsetting you, I've got no problem blocking her". It did reassure me, but her actions are bizarre. Me and my boyfriend have been together nearly a year now. Which means they have been split nearly 2 years. The pictures of them two are still on her instagram, as a friend has told me. She works with mine and my bf's best mate. The same friend that got me and my bf together. And she's close to this friend. That friend, my bf and two other guys are in a band together, and she likes their posts and stuff. It makes me feel awkward because I don't know her intentions. It could be innocent, her just staying in contact with mutual friends, or it could be another agenda, since none of her pictures with my bf are deleted and its been nearly 2 years..... Also, in the beginning of my relationship, we requested his stuff back from her place, and she was giving it to us in bits. Or putting her stuff in the boxes. Or old love notes they had wrote to eachother, she put in the boxes instead of binning them.While I can understand she is grieving the loss of her relationship......she ended it the minute she cheated, TWICE. So I have a hard time feeling sorry for her. Also, none of her family know the real reason as to why she and my current bf, split up. My bf didn't want the drama of her family causing shit in the small town that they live in. He just wanted to cut all ties, move on and more or less live like she doesn't exist. So now my thoughts........I get that she's grieving. I udnerstand that she's probably lonely now. She's not taken so that other guy she cheated with, probably fucked her off. She's still got some of my bf's stuff, and I have no idea why she's holding onto it. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and wonder why she's behaving the way that she is, but honestly..... I can't think of anything that fully explains her actions. Can anyone weigh in here, and help me see the wood for the trees please?
View related questions:
got back together, his ex, move on, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (20 January 2020):
 She isn't grieving, she is trying to regain control. That is why she sent his stuff back including old love-letters to REMIND him of the "good old days".
She got him to take her back once, and is hoping by pulling the "right" strings she can reclaim him. Maybe not because she LOVES him but because HE HAS moved on and she doesn't like that. With this "obsession" of yours plays RIGHT into her "game". She likes to play games. Mind-fuck games.
As for the "stuff" she has of his.... It can't be that important if he hasn't found a way to get it back. Seriously.
And lastly, OP his STUFF and his PAST is nothing to DO about you.YOUR Bf had made a couple of choices. 1. He is DONE with her and their relationship. Done. 2. He has moved on. 3. HE has enough love and respect for you to BLOCK his ex on social media so she can't cause havoc there.
No need to feel sorry for her or feel ANYTHING for her. She is his ex, and THAT is that! He is with you now and seems to be quite sensible and loving.
Accept that she is his ex and then STOP FUCKING having your friends stalk her social media and check up on her. WHAT she CHOOSES to post on social media is up to her. Yes, she can have OLD pictures of her and her BF on there IF she wants to. Those are part of HER past and she can keep them on her social media if she wants. It seems like a cheap ploy to keep them up there, but WHY care? WHO cares what TF she posts?
Let her go. LEAVE her alone. FOCUS on your relationship.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (19 January 2020):
You need to let your obsession with this woman go or you are going to end up pushing you boyfriend away.
She is a minor nuisance. Forget about her.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (18 January 2020):
 She may have cheated but she still clearly has feelings for the guy. Just because you cheat on someone doesn’t mean you don’t care about them. It just means you definitely aren’t in love with them and you definitely do not care about them as much as they say they do.
I really don’t think you need to concern yourself here. You were honest with your BF and he blocked her right in front of you. What other reassurance would you need than that? Job done, she’s out of his life.
She holds onto his stuff because she wants to be a nuisance and have something that she knows he may ask for in future and she can keep that as a way of potential communication. Tbh at this point it sounds like your BF has just accepted those things are gone.
Your BF sounds like a good, loyal man which makes his exes intentions absolutely irrelevant as he would not succumb to them whatever they are. Just forget about this and move forward with your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2020): As the others have said - your obsession with her is unhealthy.
Nothing I can add that others haven't already pointed out.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 January 2020):
 You're reading far too much into this. I don't think she should be this important for you because your analysis of each action of hers is frankly unnecessary and also a little obsessive.
She sounds pretty harmless actually; all she does is "like" their posts and she's still got some of his stuff. Maybe she just couldn't be bothered returning it? I doubt it's because she's grieving the demise of the relationship, that's what you think she's doing but i really don't think the relationship was as important for her as you think it was.
OP why are you so obsessed with this woman? Are you jealous of her? Do you wish you were more like her? Or is it retroactive jealousy? You need to honestly answer these questions first because your insecurities are getting the better of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (17 January 2020):
 I have a question for YOU: why are you so obsessed with your boyfriend's ex? I can (sort of) understand why SHE is trying to hang on to him, given their past relationship. What I CAN'T understand is why YOU are so fixated with HER.
She can act any way she likes, as long as it is not illegal. If your boyfriend doesn't want her back (which it sounds pretty definite he doesn't), it will make no difference what she does. He has chosen to be with YOU. Why would you be bothered if she blocked you on social media? Why would you even check? She has a right to block who she wants. In her place I might do the same, especially if she has an inkling that you might stalk her on social networks.
I think you need to decide whether you trust this guy or not. If you don't, then your relationship will never work. Finish it NOW and move on. If you do trust him, then stop obsessing about his ex and concentrate on making your relationship the best it can be so you have something better to concentrate on than his past.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2020): Sorry to say this but she can follow and block who she chooses, like and dislike who and what she wants and can feel how she wants, what exactly are you trying to figure out and why? It's very simple, you have pinpointed it yourself, she still has feelings for him and hasn't moved on. Her cheating is irrelevant to how she feels now, they spent a long time together and she isn't over him.Nothing for you to work out, no reason to involve yourself and put yourself forward to her. Just keep the dignified silence you are doing, your boyfriend has moved on and is not reacting to her attempts.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2020): You should work on trusting your boyfriend, and not spend so much time concentrating on his ex. If she keeps his pictures or follows your band on social media (you should be flattered she's a fan); that's something you have to tolerate as long as there is no shenanigans.
Your boyfriend has done all the right things regarding his ex. He has complied with everything you've asked to prove his loyalty, faithfulness, and devotion to you. Stop pressing the matter, your insecurity will become a burden.
Exes don't disappear off the face of the earth, because you're in the picture. You live in a small town; so your paths are likely to cross. You cannot control how people feel, what they say, or what they do; unless they break the law. Then you report violations to the appropriate authorities, and move on.
Jealousy is a very human emotion. We all get jealous; but as adults we have to manage our impulses and emotions with reason and self-control. People have to realize that life goes on; and it doesn't revolve around, or conform to, our insecurities or idiosyncrasies. To put it simply, stuff happens. Whether we like it or not! You can dwell on insignificant details; or move forward and enjoy life!
You are far too obsessed about her, and she's obsessed with the past. You can't even concentrate on your relationship without worrying what she's going to do. Your boyfriend has made it abundantly clear; he's into you, and no longer into her. Let her keep his old junk. Stop the drama, and leave her alone; and thereby strip her of any further reason to bother either of you.
Enjoy your relationship in spite of her. You're giving-in to people's mind-games when you let them tease your sensitivities. They sit on the fringes, plucking your nerves by remote-control!!! You're also being unreasonable; because you want power over her feelings. You feel frustrated and threatened mainly because you can't control her. Well, in doing that; you're giving her power over your emotions.
Live your life, suggest to your boyfriend to forget about the old love-letters and items of no significant value that he left behind. They're hers to keep. Who ever heard of reclaiming love-notes anyway??? She's using that to keep the drama going. She knows it's you behind it, and you're empowering her with your insecurity and pettiness.
I'll close by telling you this. Insecurity kills relationships!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2020): As far as I see it, there are no woods and there are no trees. There is nothing for you to worry about. Your boyfriend wants you … not her, so WHATEVER she does, just ignore it! Tell the friend that tells you what she's doing, that you don't want to hear it. Don't look on her social media stuff and treat the fact that she likes his posts as just that. That's all she can do. Because your boyfriend wants you!If you carry on giving her head space she will succeed in what she might be trying to do, which is split you up.Your boyfriend cant stop her from liking his posts of his band, but he's stopped everything else....blocked her and told you he doesn't care about her....WHY? Because he wants you!!!So why are you worrying about what she's doing? Why care? Enjoy what you and your boyfriend have together, because it sounds good and don't let her foolish, childish actions ruin anything. She sounds as if she might have some issues, but ignore her as best you can. You have nothing to worry about by the sound of things. Good luck.
...............................
|
