A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A young woman recently transferred to my place of work. She's from another country, and extremely beautiful. I'm a single male in my mid-20s who works on the opposite side of the building. After her first or second week we just hit it off, started chatting and became instant friends. We sit down and have lunch together in the work lounge every day. We rarely actually work together, except last week we had a special project and were inseparable the entire time - we accomplished a lot and worked very well as a team.I get a lot of attention from her, and I focus a lot of my attention on her as well. We have a lot of intense 1-on-1 conversations and have bonded over some serious topics, like the death of our parents. Generally we will sit down and never break eye contact until it's time to go back to work. A lot of our time consists of me listening to her tell me things about her life and me giving her feedback, and sharing some things about my life with her. I find myself wanting to learn everything I can about her, because I want to be relevant to her life.I think she's a very strong and family-oriented person, however she has no children and her husband is only home a couple days a week. She has several times shared things which she acknowledges she "doesn't like to tell people" - her father's recent death is one other example.In many ways it's very innocent. We don't out-and-out flirt or hit on each other; it's more subtle than that. I get a lot of smiles and flirtatious body language from her, and like I said we were basically inseparable when we were working together. I know that she likes the attention. I'm quite sure an emotional attachment has formed on both sides. However, on my end it's a bit obsessive and I find myself fantasizing about her and wondering if she ever thinks about me.I care about this woman a lot. I don't want to harm her marriage, but I'm extremely attracted to her and nothing will stop me from continuing to grow our friendship. I want to get closer to her. What should I do? I'm wanting to test the waters a little bit, and maybe try touching her playfully sometimes. The one thing I don't want to do is make her feel that she is doing something wrong. Does anyone have any insights into this scenario? Is it an emotional affair on herpart? Please don't be negative, I'm just looking for a bit of advice. Thank you.
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affair, flirt, married woman Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe's already touched me several times though. It was always in a playful manner. On the shoulder, on the arm, etc.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 October 2011):
 I think she wants a friend and you want more. If you start to touch her (even playfully) you can lose the friendship you have with her.
Obviously you have fallen for her or you are quite smitten with her. She might have the same feelings for you, she might not.
She is lonely and I think she enjoys your company, but I don't think she has any inclination of wanting more from you.
If you start something with her, be prepared to either go look for another job, or having to deal with the total awkwardsness that will happen.
Never crap where you eat. (Don't date in the work place)
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A
female
reader, malvern  + ♥, writes (16 October 2011):
 You need to find out what her relationship is like with her husband.Are they happy together?If she's happy with him then she's just playing a game with you while he's away.She'll be highly flattered by your attention and will probrably be fantasising about you too.This can only result in you getting hurt eventually.If they're not happy together then you want to start listening to the alarm bells because you may be getting yourself into a whole heap of problems.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): If you don't want people to be negative, you should not ask questions about hitting on a married woman. You know it's wrong, your male friends know it wrong and they will watch you @ their wifes if you do something like that. Don't be that guy!
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (16 October 2011):
 I really don't think you should touch her. I think you should enjoy this friendship for what it is, but don't try to go any further. For both of your sakes.
If you are so attracted to her, and she spends so much time with you, she is probably attracted to you as well, or may just feel safe with you because you haven't tried anything on with her. So don't spoil it.
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A
male
reader, donsagacious  +, writes (16 October 2011):
 Permit me say this, but what i sense is that, the emotional bond between the both of you is getting to questionable heights. Just as one of the contributors on this issue has rightly put it, there must be rumours already going around your workplace about the both of you considering the level of closeness. And to think that you already find yourself fatasiesing about her, is a rather risky development. Jst consider a colleaque, and someone elses wife. Whom u can only have as a friend and nothing more. Who knows, she might just be thinkin straight of you as a friend, and accord you so much attention since (as u wrote), her husband is rarely around. And even if she does harbour such feelings for you, its in your place to help her of it because, believe, me you don't want what shuch a scandal could do to ur reputation and carrier.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 October 2011):
 You've fallen for her. If she's indeed fallen for you, then yes, it's an emotional affair. She's even more vulnerable to it due to the regular absence of her husband.
I don't know what to tell you if you're dead set on continuing this intense emotional closeness, except that you are really setting yourself up for hurt. It is an inevitability that if things continue the way they are, you will end up in bed with her. That's human nature.
If that happens, her husband will eventually find out about it because you won't be able to stop. Add to that the fact that it's your workplace, and you could be potentially putting a wrench into your career.
Think long term, and this is a dead end road with more pain for both of you than you can imagine.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2011): OK, she's from another country and new to the workplace. She must look forward to chatting to you and having a friend.
Her husband is away alot too so she must be pretty lonely - you have filled alot of gaps in her life.
It sounds as though she is attached to you on some level, but when we have an interest in somebody we do tend to see it through rose coloured glasses,we develop wishful thinking.This is how you see it.
I don't know how it will develop, but bear in mind she is a work colleague and no doubt the gossip has already started as you spend alot of time together gazing into each others eyes. SO remember she IS married, she IS new there and ask yourself where you see it all going and honestly how you think she sees you.
And ask yourself what would happen if it all went wrong .......
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 October 2011):
 To be honest with you by the sounds of it, she has bonded with you at work yes, but do you have any contact with each other outside of work? It sounds to me like you might be over thinking this, it is clear you are starting to fall for her, but am not sure she feels the same way. She is married and she knows that you know that as well. I can't see her taking this any further than a friendship to be honest. Sure you can try nobody can stop you, but I advice against it because you will only end up getting hurt and things will be awkward. You just need to accept that she is married and belongs to someone else and either you have her in your life as a friend or nothing at all.
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