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I'm dating my married step I need advice on what to do, please?

Tagged as: Age differences, Cheating, Crushes, Dating, Family, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2015) 8 Answers - (Newest, 4 November 2015)
A female Australia age 26-29, *obgirl writes:

Ok hi. Completely new at this.

So to get right to the point.

I'm dating my step uncle so (my mothers step mums son) so not. Definitely not blood related.

He is married (not separated) tho like typical situations (is going to get a device and leave etc)

Never looked at him in that light. At all. But about a While ago we really got talking online and started hanging out together just the two of us. And we connected on so many levels. It's gotten to the point of incensibility and we're pretty much crazy for each other.

I have an abnormally large conscience so I have a constant battle in my head about the whole situation. Having nightmares about it all. But I won't stop seeing him. I don't think I can.

I am pleading for advice and I'm not even sure exactly what kind of advice I'm after. Even just if there's someone out there going through something similar to give some advice on how to stop things blowing up in everyone's faces.

I'm a little messed up...

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (4 November 2015):

Girl, the advice you are looking for is the stuff that condones what you're doing and you're not going to get it. But you know that.

I have a friend who has been dating a married man for 10 years. He keeps telling her he's getting a divorce, that she's the one, blah blah blah. Well, at the holidays and the special occasions, he's with his family, and she gets a bouquet of flowers. She keeps hanging onto him because she thinks what they have is special and that he'll eventually leave his wife. Well, he won't. Why not? Because right now he's got the best of both worlds. Why give that up?

Your step uncle will be the same. Trust me, it's not worth it. You're saying you can't stay away. Girl, this is not some harlequin novel and you're not a cardboard character. You can stay away. You just choose not to.

Break up with him. Tell him that you can't in good conscience keep assisting him in cheating on his wife and that he should work things out with her instead of filling the gaps in his relationship with you. Tell him you deserve someone who isn't taken. And then leave and don't look back. If he wants to divorce her for you, and you still want him, tell him to only turn up when he has the papers signed by her. Other than that, zero contact. But honestly, even in that "best case scenario" he can't ever be trusted, for he might find someone else on the side to do the same to you with.

So, get your "abnormally large conscience" in gear and do what's right. And never assist a man in cheating again. Yes, it's his choice, but you're right there with him.

If you end this now and keep quiet, you may be able to prevent things from blowing up. But let me tell you: people have a tendency to blame the mistress more than the man doing the cheating, so if you don't watch it your reputation could take a serious hammering.

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A male reader, Frank B Kermit Canada +, writes (4 November 2015):

Frank B Kermit agony aunt

I answered your question in the above youtube video.

I hope you take my advice seriously.

You are going down a very unhealthy path

and you have so much potential to enter into a future

loving relationship.

Please take care.


(from someone who has been there)

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (31 October 2015):

Most of all, I am worried about family relationships being torn apart when this gets out...whether you are a happy couple or split up. Your mom really doesn't deserve the fall-out from what most likely will happen here.

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A female reader, supermum United Kingdom +, writes (31 October 2015):

supermum agony auntYou know exactly what advice you were going to get. Which is interesting since you are refusing to leave him. I can assure you of one thing though... you don't have an abnormally large conscience. In fact, I would say yours is slowly disappearing!! I have a very active conscience, and I would never, ever date a married man (or anyone in a relationship for that matter. And I would never cheat either). It simply wouldn't happen. And the worst bit is since he is family the whole family could get torn apart by this as people will be forced to take sides.

If you had any sort of conscience at all, you would leave him immediately. I can promise you he wont be leaving his wife, not for you (or anyone else he is currently seeing). If he was going he would have done it by now.

I think he is preying on your because you are a young girl without much life experience and he is just trying to get his rocks off.

What do you think is going to happen here? That he will leave his wife and the two of you will live happily ever after? That the family wont be destroyed? And that he would NEVER cheat on you? He will cheat on you because that is what cheats do. And you will never be able to trust him 100% because deep down you know he is a cheater too.

When I first read this, I thought you were a young girl, 18 at most. I was surprised to find out you were more my age, because to be honest you should know better.

I realise you were hoping for lots of sympathy and rainbows and unicorns with your post... but I am struggling to see things from your point of view this time I am afraid. I am still laughing about this 'abnormally large' conscience of yours!!! I am surprised you have one at all!!

That gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach... that knot that wont go away? That is guilt. And guilt is actually the nastiest emotion there is because it eats you up. I wonder... how guilty is your uncle feeling? Or has he done it so many times that he has silenced his conscience by now? If you want to be a nice person, and I am sure you do, then make sure you don't silence yours. Because every time you ignore it, it gets a little quieter. You will have noticed because being with him is getting a little easier.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2015):

If you're sleeping with a married man you have no conscience. Point blank period!!!!

You have no morals and obviously no heart.

He's a POS. You might be too or maybe you're just naive. Either way this is going to end badly on all fronts. But if your ok with breaking up a marriage and ruining you're families relationship with this guy...then by all means keep seeing him. Have a great time.

Now if you're not really a scumbag and have just made a mistake. (Which we all do)...then break it off with him and move on. Cut all ties. Pretend it never happened and commit to Not sleeping with married men.

It's never to late to become a decent human being.

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A male reader, Garbo United States + , writes (31 October 2015):

Garbo agony auntYour step-uncle is a player who seizes on emotional vulnerabilities of women in order to have sex with them. You know as well as I do what the only thing is he after, and that isn't to marry you. Besides, men who are unhappy or hate their wives, they first leave them and only after they have left them they go looking for new love, even if then.

I think what's hard for you to accept is the reality I just stated so you keep seeing him in hope that fantasy will somehow prevail. It won't.

Nor is what's happening to you somehow unique. Loads of women fall for married men and each and every one has told the same lie: how unhappy they are with their wives, how they don't love them, how they will divorce them... Well, if they wanna divorce them then why don't they?

Finally, even though there is no blood relationship, this whole affair is not right. It may technically not be an incestuous relationship but it sure is a violation of normative protocol within an extended family. Your step-uncle is technically not blood related to his wife's sister so is she also fair game to him?

You have lot of good reasons why your affair with a married step-uncle is wrong and I'm sure you will get more good reasons from aunts and uncles here....and now all you have to do is allow that reason to displace your fantasy that is wrecking havoc on you.

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A female reader, Pureflame  +, writes (31 October 2015):

Trust me my dear... these kinds of situations never end well. If you really wanna help yourself, you need to get some space between you 2. Wait till his has actually seperated from his wife.

No matter how rosy the situation may look right now, you are always gonna be the "other woman". I know it seems impossible to leave him right now. Call out to your dignity and get away from this situation. Do yourself that favour.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (31 October 2015):

Aunty BimBim agony auntIf he was serious about leaving his wife for you and getting a divorce he would already have moved out of the family home.

He says he is a gunna, gunna, gunna but actions speak louder than words, he aint, aint aint going to leave his wife while he has it so cushy.

As for your abnormally large conscience, if it allowed you to take the step of sleeping with somebody the family may view as your uncle, then that abnormally large conscience you claim to have seems to be on holiday ......

If you persist there is nothing you can do to stop this blowing up in everyone's faces, nothing, nada, nil or zip! If you continue sleeping with this man and he continues sneaking around behind his wife's back and telling her lies, and simply being an arse it is going to blow up in everyone's faces. There is no way that it cannot!

The man is a liar and a cheat, he is lying to his wife (how else can he be carrying on with you without lying) and he is lying to you when he says he is going to leave and divorce. As I said, actions speak louder than words, and his actions are those of a liar and a cheat.

Your decision now is to decide if you are going to continue with him and get out quick before it blows up in everybody's face, or hang in there until somebody (probably his wife or another family member) finds out what is going on and lets the cat out of the bag.

Choices, choices, we all have them, and its time for you to make your choice!

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