A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been engaged to my fiance since December, but we have been dating for a year. My first husband and I were married for five years and he had a heart attack and passed away a year before I met my current fiance. My fiance had been in a rough marriage and had only been divorced for a few months when we started dating. Anyway just a few days ago, I found an extremely sexual conversation between him and his ex, not his ex wife, but an ex from before her that he had been serious with. I was crushed and I thought quite seriously about leaving, but we talked and he swore it was in the beginning of our relationship and he was scared and feeling insecure and it only happened once and that it would never happen again, so I decided to stay so we could try and work past it. Anyway, now I feel extremely insecure, and I don't really know if I can trust him or not, but all that we can really say to one another seems to have been said, unless he is lying about something else, and I still can't same to look at him the same.What do I need to do in order to get us back to the way it was before I found this conversation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): Trust is earned... it is a privilege. If it is violated due to their insecurities, tough. They need to deal with the fact that they damaged your security.When my spouse did something that was hurtful and made me question his loyalty, we had to have a serious talk and come up with a solution that would make me feel secure again.After that I requested if he wanted me to stay he had to answer me honestly, and allow me access to all of his stuff. Computer, phone (text stuff) until I trusted him again. I would also question his loyalty a lot. At first he was hurt, and I told him that I was hurt more that he violated the trust I had given him. If he wanted me to trust him again, he would have to deal with it until I was secure...Honestly I didn't snoop into his stuff, but I did want the complete relinquish once he hurt me because if he couldn't do that, then what wouldn't he do. BTW: We worked it out, so yeah. It's all good.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): My husband passed away too. I am sorry for your loss. A year later I decided to date. I said to myself I would never date again, but someone came into my life and I thought it was worth it to chance it. We are now engaged. He also had a rough marriage.He was in a serious relationship with another woman after his divorce and she had dumped him. He wanted to marry her. He started dating me shortly thereafter. Too soon I felt. He called me her name numerous times. I didn't want to be a rebound, so make sure you are not being one either.I did come across a holiday letter he sent to her saying she was the love of his life. He had sent her a small present too. We had just started dating that same month so were were not exclusive. He sent me the same letter changing that paragraph to say he was looking to share his life with someone. I was upset and felt he was playing us both. I will always wonder if she did come back that he probably would have broken up with me. It makes me feel second best or sloppy seconds. I have never told him I know about the letter.You said you came across a sexual conversation between them. Your fiance is saying it was at the beginning of your relationship. That is critical because you don't know if he is lying or covering up. Was it an e-mail between them? Were you not able to see the date of the e-mail or was it a text?I haven't been so trusting either. My trust got shattered. We each have our own computers. So I don't know if he continued to contact her while he was dating me. I don't have access to his computer and we each have our own passwords.I finally had to put a wall up so I would not drive myself crazy always wondering what he may be up to. That is what discovering that letter did to me. I am always tempted to try and gain access to his computer, to ease my own mind, but I haven't crossed that line yet. People say if you have to do that then there is no trust.I do feel there are times I should just walk away from all the drama, because there has been other behavorial patterns I am not happy with and just lead the single life. We, as women are always made to compete with other women and that weight off my shoulders of having to feel I need to look like this or do that would be a tremendous relief to me.I hung onto my first marriage memories and cherish those since I never had to deal with these sorts of problems before in a relatinship. As we get older we can bring more baggage into a relationship as I have found out.The majority of the time I feel the first marriage should be enough for me and to consider myself lucky.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): Sounds like you want to give the relationship a chance but cant get past the betrayal. You will not forget; and trust has to be earned again. Dont let your guard down.
Having said that you need to make sure you have a life outside the fiance so you dont wellow in the betrayal and you have friends around you in the event this relationship does not work out. Also if he is willing to change and earn your trust, you need to start reciprocating if you really want to give him a second chance. There is no immediate cure or solution, you have to take baby steps and hopefully get to the altar.
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