A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been friends with this guy for 2 years and 2 weeks ago he told me he's never had a gf before and that I was the first girl that got close to him and he developed feelings for me, I reminded him I have a boyfriend that I love, he said he was aware nothing would happen between us and that he was literally in the friendzone, but he also told me he didn't want to lose me as a friend, he just wanted to confess what he felt and asked me not to tell anyone.Fast forward 1 week he asked me to go to the movies to compensate for my birthday (It was last month and he was busy that day), I said yes and we went. When I told my boyfriend he got very mad an accused me of cheating, he said that a person in a relationship cannot go to a movie with an opposite sex friend.2 questions.Do yo think my boyfriend is right and I am in fact a cheater?Should I betray my friend's trust and tell my bf his confession? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (5 January 2014):
Well your boyfriend was right to be angry with you.You should not have gone to the movies with him especially as he had said he has feelings for you.How would you feel if your boyfriend had gone to the movies with another girl behind your back? He might dump you now.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (3 January 2014):
 That's just it, OP. He's not your friend. You are the object of his affection. He wants to get in your pants. When someone has non-platonic feelings for someone else, it ceases to be platonic. It becomes a sexual relationship without the sex. You think this guy will be content to remain in the "friend zone"? Not a chance.
The problem is your deception. You hid it from your boyfriend until after it happened. You're still hiding the guy's intentions. If there was nothing wrong happening, why hide it from your boyfriend? Why not tell him before you went out for your birthday with the guy?
I know that there are people who disagree with me, and I respect that. However, reverse the situation here - what if the boyfriend had a friend who confessed that she liked him, and later they went out to the movies together? People would be ALL OVER the guy for A. leading on a girl and B. sneaking behind his girlfriend's back.
As for saying to the friend that you have a boyfriend, your secrecy is telling the guy that HE HAS A CHANCE with you. You're leading the friend on now, and within 6 months, I bet you two will be sleeping together. No doubt in my mind.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (2 January 2014):
 There is nothing wrong with going to the cinema with a friend in general. It was this particular friend and the circumstances.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2014): IMHO cheating is keeping stuff a secret.
The rules about opposite sex friends with crushes are debatable, different couples are okay with different stuff.
But its totally over the line for you to be doing things with male friends and not telling your BF until after the fact. No question about that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2014): Hi!! I'm the op.
I have decided to cut contact with my friend.
I don't know, maybe I am wrong, but I really don't feel guilty about what I did, I feel bad for hurting my boyfriend, but not for going to the movies with my friend.
I definitely didn't hide it from my boyfriend, I think you guys are right and I should have told him before, but it just felt so normal and unimportant. Anyway that´s a mistake I will never make again.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (2 January 2014):
 Let's not fool ourselves!
You chose to go out with a 'friend' (who confessed he liked you) behind your boyfriends back. That's cheating. He became more than a friend the minute he confessed; you became guilty by going out with him after that confession. That's a date. Girls who are faithful don't play games and go on fake dates with guys who feed their egos.
And the solution to further hurt your boyfriend by 'sharing' your male 'friend's confession with him? That's proof that you really don't care much for your boyfriend either because that knowledge would hurt him; that's not love - that's trying to cleanse your own guilt and put the blame on someone else.
You are responsible for this whole mess. When a guy says he is into you, he's no longer just a friend and that birthday movie was a date.
You need to look into why you wanted to go to a dark movie theatre with a guy who you knew was into you and you claim to love someone else. I don't think you are totally committed to your boyfriend and you probably need to stop being exclusive with him. That's not the way a girl treats the man she claims to love.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 January 2014):
 In my rules ANYTHING you can't won't or DON'T tell your partner (before it occurs) is cheating.
Part of being in a healthy relationship is total honesty.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 January 2014):
 In my opinion, if you do anything with another person that you hide from your partner, then its cheating. It may be going for a cup of coffee even a movie. The very fact that you didn't tell your boyfriend about it before you went and also that you went with a guy who you knew has feelings for you and you didn't take your B/f along...yes...that's cheating.
I'm not saying that you cannot go for a movie or have a cup of coffee with a person of the opposite sex...of course you can...but make sure your partner knows about it and you don't do it on the sly. The minute you hide or conceal something, it means that you're doing something that you don't want your partner to find out because somewhere down the line you know its wrong.
Also, remember, you don't have to compensate anyone for anything and you don't owe the guy friend anything at all. Just because you couldn't meet him on the birthday, it doesn't mean that you had to go to the movies with him. He just simply wanted you to spend the day with him and he got that and you have shown him that he now has a chance with you.
Lets simplify this further.
If some girl told your boyfriend that she had feelings for him and then asked him to go to the movies with her to compensate for not being with him on his birthday...and he went with her...how would YOU feel?
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (2 January 2014):
 I dont think you cheated but then again you dont have to cheat to be in the wrong and I think on balance you were in the wrong. You probably have given this guy some encouragement as Ciar says. You cant help that he has feelings for you and the fact that he does doesnt necessarily mean you have to lose him as a friend but you do have to be pretty firm and not encourage him in any way and going behind your boyfriends back to go to the movies with him isnt a good start in that regard.
There isnt a blanket ban on going to the cinema with an opposite sex friend but context matters and there is a balance between doing everything as you please and respect and consideration for the feelings of your partner. Your bf probably feels threatened and that isnt some paranoid response in this case as your friend has proven by confessing these feelings for you so his feeling of being threatened is understandable.
In regards to should you tell him - I am in two minds because in the short term he's obviously going to be more mad and may even go as far as to insist you stop seeing this friend. So, on the one hand its going to create more problems for you. On the other, if you keep this secret it will probably only lead to the same end because he will pick up on you carrying this secret and your friend insisting you keep this secret does seem manipulative on his part - like he is trying to drive a wedge between you and your bf, so, on balance I think you should probably tell him. In the long run it may mean your bf trusts you more so that would be a positive outcome eventually. On balance I would say tell him.
Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2014): No and no. You did your lonely friend a favour. If you thought you had cheated you wouldn't have said anything to your SO, although your SO is acting insecure and you should calm his fears. You friend appears harmless to your bf.
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (2 January 2014):
 I don't think you've cheated on your boyfriend but you should have told him for sure. It's very important to keep all channels of communication open. And please don't encourage this friend of yours who clearly wants you for himself. I know it's very flattering to have someone who loves you but you'd end up losing your boyfriend if you're not careful. Watching a movie itself isn't cheating but this could well be the beginning. However, I don't think you should tell your boyfriend that he has a crush on you. And your boyfriend might be overreacting. Just watching a film is hardly cheating, in my books!
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (2 January 2014):
There is only one reason a 'friend' makes this kind of confession to someone who already has a boyfriend. And that is to lure them away from that boyfriend. He may have known it was a long shot, but to him it was worth a try.
And you've rewarded him for the attempt by going to the movies with him. Now, regardless of whatever assurances he gives you that he will behave, he knows he has a chance.
And you want to tell your boyfriend that this friend he's already furious about has a crush on you? What exactly is he supposed to do with that information? Sit on his hands and bite his tongue while you flaunt the competition in front of him?
If your boyfriend means anything to you, you're going to have to end your association with this so called friend. It is totally inappropriate to keep him around under the circumstances.
Say nothing to your boyfriend and cut the friend loose.
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A
female
reader, malletchick76 +, writes (2 January 2014):
 I completely disagree with reader, YouWish, for a few reasons. If you have feelings for your friend and have thought about him and fantasized over him for quite some time and was not thinking about your boyfriend at all, then that is emotional cheating. If that wasn't the case then NO you did not cheat!! You don't have to tell your significant other every single little thing that you do, that's really unhealthy for someone to ask that of you and for you to expect that. You don't have to hide things from your mate, but don't worry about the little things like seeing a friend.
Since your boyfriend is so jealous, I would reevaluate your well-being, telling him your friend's confession might make him angry and lash out at you or your friend.
Be safe, dear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2014): You are definitely NOT a cheater. You have every right to hang out with your friend. I mean I can understand that your boyfriend may feel a little threatened but I really believe that you have every right to hang out with whoever you feel like, especially someone that has been your friend for that long. It really comes down to a matter of trust and I don't believe that you would cheat on your boyfriend. I think that the best way to go about this is to explain to your boyfriend that you do love him and that he really has nothing to worry about.
As for your second question. I wouldn't tell your boyfriend as this may make him even more upset. Usually I would say secret keeping is a horrible thing in a relationship but in this case, you and your friend realize that nothing is going to happen between the two of you and you can reassure your boyfriend of that without telling him what you friend told you.
Hope this helps and good luck!! :)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 January 2014):
Yes, you sure DID cheat on your boyfriend! You were unfaithful, disloyal, and deceptive. It doesn't take sex to cheat. Here's why:
1. While I disagree with your boyfriend that you can't have opposite sex friends, you can't have ones who have feelings for you and vice versa. How would you feel if your boyfriend went out with another woman on a date knowing she was into him?
2. You didn't tell your boyfriend that you were going out to the movies with this guy. The hallmark about having platonic friends is trust. Say the guy never confessed feelings towards you - if he were to ask you to hang out as friends, you should have told your boyfriend beforehand and disclosed fully that you were invited. You didn't, and that is an act of infidelity. As a side note, who paid for this outting? Was it Dutch like platonic friends do, or did he consider it a date and pay for it?
3. Your "friend" wanted you not to tell anyone, especially the guy you profess to love? Anyone who would do that is not your friend, but someone who wants to get in your pants. And you asking here about whether or not to betray your "friend"??? You have already betrayed your BOYFRIEND!! If you love the man you're with, you will consider him above this friend of yours and stop lying to him and going behind his back.
You really put a black eye on your relationship by not being open and honest with your boyfriend. You're further damaging it by STILL lying to your boyfriend about this guy's intentions toward you. You have no right going out with someone who has confessed feelings for you and is doing what he can. You reveled in a guy's desire for you and found it intoxicating, even if you didn't mean to return the feelings.
Think about it - how would you feel if your boyfriend treated you in this manner? You would be hurt and devastated and not believing for a second that he didn't get physical with her. You damaged the trust in your relationship and made a huge mistake. You can start repairing it by fully being honest with your boyfriend if you want to keep him. Tell him that the guy made a pass at you, you refused, but didn't want to lose him as a friend, but in hindsight, you were wrong in keeping this from your boyfriend and going behind his back to go out with him.
Then accept what happens as a result of your decisions. But the true key to a relationship is honesty and trust as well as love. True love wouldn't let some other guy insinuate himself between you and your boyfriend by saying "don't tell". Not a chance.
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