A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear auntsI won't make this too long. I discovered my husband is cheating online with some whore. His behaviour was suspicious as in him turning iPad away from me when I walked Into room. Got Into his iPad which was locked but had managed to see him put in pass code.Over a period of months I've been suspicious as in he was texting a Rachel in the car when picking our daughter up from ice skating. She alerted me to this straight away. I put it down to it being work related so made a note of the date but nothing more. Then he took our daughter to Spain 3 weeks ago and our daughter was aware of him messaging someone by the same name on his iPad. I then knew I had to find out. I found explicit messages from him to her telling her she should be playing with herself and talk of a sex toy. I felt devastated and as I had her number I rang her telling her never to contact my husband again or else. She alerted him and he straight away deleted all messages that I hadn't managed to see. They were messaging on a daily basis. He didn't know it was me because I then found out a few days later during his messages to a male that my husband also had pics of her in her underwear which I've seen plus nude pics which I haven't. Again I felt sick. I confronted him and he says he's done nothing and I told him he'd been cheating. He said he hasn't met her and so he hasn't cheated! He even said he doesn't want to meet her. I've told him I want a divorce because I suspected in the past he's cheated I just didn't have definite proof.She lives in America and we live in England. He travelled to America twice in the last year with his job so who knows. They were in different states. She has sent these pics of her to 2 women and another man at least so yes we are talking a whore! I found that out in messages. He flew to Germany this morning for work. He offered to move out last week to give me chance to think that was so he could message that thing. Over the weekend he tried to get close to me but I'm not interested. This evening he rang me saying he wants to save our marriage and loves me so much and wants us to have a weekend in a hotel alone! The idea sickens me I don't want to look at him yet alone have sex with him. What planet is he on??? He told me tonight he's been acting as a father figure to her cos she's messed up!!! Wtf and I found out she's 20 a year younger than our son. I knew she was young so no surprise there. I've had plenty of interest off men over the years but never done more than laugh it off. I'm told I'm attractive and look in my thirties. No one ever believes I have a 21 year old which is flattering. I also look after my figure so I don't understand him doing this. We've drifted apart but he ignores me half the time and has done for so long. He thinks because he earns so much money he doesn't need to help out around the house other menial tasks. I go from rage, anger tears on a daily basis. I'm now at disgust.He's 50 in December and I'm 44. Our kids are 21 and 16.I now need legal advice as the next step is divorce. I want to know when I will stop bloody crying and feeling so low? I can't believe he has done this. It's our silver wedding anniversary in April and he's thrown it all away for some disgusting dirty tramp.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAn update on my situation.
My husband has continued to have contact with that person and has been discussing me. How nice! I started divorce proceedings last week. Our house has been valued today and will be going up for sale very soon.
Feeling nervous just wanting to be secure financially but as for the marriage I well rid of him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have bank statements which I'm going through carefully. He can't move anything with out me seeing which is something.He bought this person flowers in November too last year which is on bank statement and then the violin in December.I have questioned him on the flowers and according to him they were for her poorly mother which is an absolute lie. They are called love is in the air.What he doesn't realise is I have seen that persons profile pic on their messaging site with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and on the website he ordered the flowers which is in America the very same bouquet inc price is on there. According to him the flowers didn't reach her mother because the florist didn't have them!!! No refund on bank statement and he even said to cover himself he didn't think to look so there may not be one! Monday evening we went out to talk away from the house and he was going to tell me everything. He told at least 2 lies which I know for a fact.I said I'm still going for divorce and he will reply saying he will make sure I'm ok then in the next breath he asking me to go to a London show with him and things like that. I feel such loathing for him
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reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (15 August 2016):
 Your in UK so I don't know what the legalities are but here in Australia mistresses have been known to successfully win their share of money and assets from divorce proceedings if their relationship goes to shit in addition to the marriage. There is distance sure, but who knows what a morally spent yet savvy lawyer can do. You might want to see where you stand on this matter before going to court. Check who, how and where he may have changed things that you are rightfully entitled too. Might not be the case but desperate people do desperate things and certainly worth bringing up with your solicitor. I mean try tracking anything in America. When it come to hiding assets during a divorce the sting of anything being put in her name to dupe you would be horrendously painful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAn update as things have got worse. My desr beloved husband bought this person a violin for over £300 last December as an Xmas gift. I found it on a bank statement and there are more to go through.
I got told last year to choose my own and take his bank card to get it!!
I'm sure there are more gifts for that which have come out of our money!
It's a disgrace and will he given to the solicitor.
Also this person may be younger and if that's the case he will end up in more trouble than he can imagine.
But as usual according to him he's done nothing wrong!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI looked at bank statements last night. He took out £1,050 cash on the 25th January and flew to Florida on the 27th as it states the airport he flew from.Also over the period of 2015/2016 he has spent a ridiculous amout of money on iTunes paying into these games plus a transfer to someone on PayPal for £1,350 dated 23rd December 2015.The money he's has spent on this gaming is crazy. Whether he can afford to do it is irrelevant. I did ask him how much he'd spent when asking on Sunday because I knew it was a substantial amount from his messages to another player saying he can write off what's he's paid into the game and having just seen the PayPal transaction myself. He replied 3k!!!!!He said he would give that money to me separately if we went down the route of splitting. It's far more than that. There are so many transactions of £79.99 payments to iTunes alone. On occasion there's 4 of that amount in one day!In the meantime I'm still checking.
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reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (11 August 2016):
 as Ivyblue said, we are all sisters, we are here if you need us, be quick with your research into bank accounts etc, because once he realises you are seriously not going to go and 'talk it over' in a hotel he will start getting snarky and trying to tie everything up. Anything of value that you can shift now, shift it, be it on paper or physical.
If you hit a low and need to vent, then come back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot much to update. Another call of my husband yesterday to me telling me he loves he and asking if I have had any more thoughts on a hotel.I said there is no need for us to go to a hotel and 'talk' as he puts it and he said he wanted us to talk without the kids about and then so end the night in bed. Though he didn't put it quite like that and was crude in the way he said it! Unbelievable!!!I felt sick but I'm playing my cards close to my chest as I need to find out more. He was in India back in May for his job and I did see pics oh his iPad when I was checking of him posing and someone else is taking the photos. I am wondering if she was with him as he's looking very relaxed. I seem to recall him saying he went sightseeing in his free time but no mention of anyone else. It could be innocent but something isn't sitting right with me. He wanted me to tell him I love him in the phone call yesterday afternoon and I wouldn't again I feel disgust. Apparently we both need to make it up to each other???? I've been neglecting him according to him. I'm going through bank statements later, both personal and business to check if he has paid for any flights to her or given her money. I will take copies of any large cash withdrawals and dates. I have no trust in him at all. The fight in me is coming out but to get answers I have to be patient. Once I have all I need I'm going to a lawyer and going for everything, the house his assets just about everything.Thank you for your advise it means a lot. If anyone can think of anything else I should look out for please let me know as the more i gather the better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI get the comment also from anonymous about if you were her mother you would want to slap his face wholeheartedly but if that were my daughter I'd be disgusted and just as volatile to her.
We have a daughter who has just turned 16 and is the most delightful funny girl and bears contempt for others that lower themselves in the way tramp has. She studies hard and wants a high flying career and her father stupidly thought she was too silly to notice he was messaging this person every day whilst they were on holiday. Our daughter alerted me something was very wrong and along with the way he was acting I then decided to find out and discovered this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies. He doesn't just message her he also phones her. They have been in contact for about 18 months and apparently she loves him. He said she's fallen for him and bear in mind she has sent disgusting pics to other men and WOMEN! That's not normal in the slightest.
He told me on the phone Monday evening that he hadn't messaged her since Thursday/ fri last week but they were messaging earlier this week and discussing me in those messages. Her wanting to know how I know things and how that stinks that I know things. My venom for that thing is incredible now. He said in the phone call to me we weren't close and enjoyed the attention. He was almost pleading to save our message.
He has seen me as someone to make his coffee/dinner and generally be a maid not an equal. He works from home and often doesn't bother showering!! Why would I want to climb on top of him when he makes no effort. He lied over the years about things and seems to think I will take that. ThIS time I have definite proof Of cheating not just a suspicion anymore.
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reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 August 2016):
 OP, I'd call BS on the "father figure" excuse and honestly I think that is an insult to your intelligence to presume you would swallow that explanation. Like you said a women wouldn't send NUDES or talk sexual satisfaction or sex toy with someone who is being a "father figure" - and even if she DID, someone who was "just" her father figure, would have shot that down and nipped anything inappropriate in the bud.. so yeah I think your husband is a big fat liar.
Whether they met up in "real life" or not is irrelevant. He was busy wooing her while ignoring and alienating you. And THAT is cheating. To me... anything you can't or won't do in front of your partner (with another person) is cheating and not OK.
OP, it will hurt a while. You two were together for a long time, you have EVERY right to feeling the way you do. So don't let him dismiss your feelings, and don't try and ignore them. If you need a good cry, have one. If you need to vent, find someone you can try and vent away. Just don't let it fester or make you bitter. Know that in the end... IT IS HIS LOSS to no longer have you by his side.
Chin up, it will get better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2016): Quite possibly he hasn't done the deed with her and judging from her age she is just a mixed up kid ,easy to manipulate and exploit.Even if she has tuts the size of mount everest her maturity is still very low and she should pose little threat to you who have so much more in life! I wouldnt be too devastated by her apparent charms or her potential to undress because she is still at the age where she will just say 'whatever!'and leave older folk gaspung over her apparent lack of general concern, but your husbands banal 'help' by telling her to play with herself is so pitiful that i would embark on a spending spree on his account.He is showing a marked lack of maturity and a misuse of power so you can accuse him of grooming her in one of your more volatile moments.If I were her mother i would want to slap his face,but i am not!She may even be younger than twenty!They say there is no fool like an old fool and your husband has certainly proved the point.Right now you are in a position of power, he is in position of fool and she is in a position of exploitable female!Its up to you how you dilute this cocktail but you have no evidence he dipped his wick,so to speak!You have evidence that he is devious though so you can set out your terms conditions and requirements.This unfortunate female is not a contender to be his future wife and unlikely to be a future mistress but she is unwanted in your happy family scenario!If you want divorce she may well have handed you the key to your freedom!
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reader, Ivyblue +, writes (9 August 2016):
Fucking bastard...hope you don't mind me saying, just solidarity sister. With the exception of the loose lipped women of the world, and I ain't talking bout the ones on their face either, we're all sisters just live in different houses. What kind of father figure does he feel this woman needs...an incestuous one.FFS...give you a break. What you are experiencing is normal, not nice but still its normal. Rant ,rave,scream,sob, whatever, it's all part and parcel of dealing with such a betrayal. There is no time time line of when it will get better just know that it does. He is a liar and most liars just keep on lying not for the sake of your feelings but for his so will you ever get the truth - probably not. Instead the most practical thing a cheater has left to offer his a huge big broom and an even bigger carpet to have you sweep their deceit and accountability under. So instead of living in a constant state of wonder and mistrust for the relationship you have made a good decision to divorce. No time for getting sentimental, instead get prepared with a good lawyer. My advice would be to not be in contact in any other way than through a solicitor, less chance of being swayed by crocodile tears and manipulation. At 44, you'd be making a mistake to think that your glass is half empty. Good luck, stay strong because the rest of your life is waiting to meet you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your comments so much it means a lot.I have a friend I've been confiding in since I found out and she's horrified.I'm speaking to my mum today and also my brother tomorrow to tell them as well.,,My husband and this thing are part of a gaming site and message on a site called Line. After I found out, he was continually switching from the games to that site. And I get what you mean Honeypie about name calling but I refer to her as a whore. No person with morals or decency sends nude pics to men and women ever. Apparently my loving husband has acted as almost a 'father figure' to her because she's messed up, so that's why he talks about vibrators and her clitoris then is it? Those are his words the father figure bit and he says she's fallen for him in a big way. How touching.My work has just phoned asking me to take on a new client as I'm a home carer and I've just broken down in tears. They've told me any time I need to chat to go in. Bless them they are so lovely and understanding. I have a great support system in place. That means the world to me.
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 August 2016):
 It will get better. It has to. Trust me. There will be a time when you wake up in the morning and you realise that that aching pain in your heart is no longer there. Little by little you will realise that you are able to go through the day without crying or thinking about whatever your husband has done with you. You may never really forget but you will learn to live with it and move on. That is what the human spirit is all about.
On the bright side, count your blessings... you have two children so you are not alone in life. Let your husband go wherever he wants and have nothing to do with him. Whether or not he realises that he has made a mistake is entirely his problem not yours. He threw away a marriage for a 20 year old. Let's face it we all know its not going to last but under no circumstances should you take him back again.
Get hold of a good lawyer, make sure you get whatever is yours and take him to the cleaners. Busy yourself with your friends and children, do something that you have always wanted to do in life, live the life that you have always wanted to lead because you deserve happiness. Do some volunteer work, redecorate your house, get a new wardrobe, a fabulous haircut, go for a holiday with a friend or your children to clear your head and then come back a new you.
Believe me, you WILL get through it. This might just be the best thing to have happened to you. Being alone is way better than being stuck with the wrong person.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 August 2016):
I'm so sorry.
This is not a great place to find yourself in. First of, calling her names doesn't make the situation any better for you. And being angry at her is UNDERSTANDABLE however, SHE haven't broken her marriage vows to you, she didn't cheat on you, she didn't LIE to you and SHE didn't DISMISS your feelings.
YOUR HUSBAND did.
So ALL that hurt and anger... DIRECT it at him. At least in your head.
Not saying that the woman is a stellar or moral pillar of society - she isn't. She is a selfish person, just like your husband.
My advice to you? GET the BEST divorce lawyer you can find. And know that 44 is NOT too "old" to start over.
Decide if cheating is a deal-breaker or not. He might try and convince you that it isn't cheating, but I would call total BS on that. What he did is NOT acceptable in a marriage. Otherwise WHY delete all their conversations ? If it was OH SO innocent why didn't he tell you about her? I will tell you why.... HE is so full of crap it turned his eyes brown!
For me, this would be a deal-breaker and yes, ME personally would NOT try and work it out. My guess is... this isn't his first "rodeo". This is just the first time he got caught.
From what you write I see no remorse from him either, just a bunch of crappy excuses and lies. So really, I don't think he is accepting any responsibility WHATSOEVER - and what does that mean? He is saying all the "sweet" thing to appease you, because he THINKS he can manipulate you into staying. I think he might have realized you are not taking this lying down. Or letting him minimize what happened.
You HAVE to decide for yourself WHAT you want. And then make a plan, put it into action.
Chin up. It's OK to be sad, angry, mad, disgusted, disappointed and ALL the other feeling you feel.
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reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (9 August 2016):
Eventually you will stop crying and one day in the future you will be getting ready for bed and realise that you hadn't thought of him, or hurt, all day.
However, there will still be the odd days over the years where the anger and hurt will raise their heads, and all you will do is acknowledge and move on.
If I had MY time again I might have asked when the suggestion a night in a hotel might help, if he really thought his dick was so magical it could erase all the hurt and pain he had caused.
If you have a girlfriend or sister you can confide in, and who will let you have a good cry and contradict yourself from one day to the next while you get your head around this situation get in touch with her now, and tell her what is going on.
It will get better, I promise!
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (9 August 2016):
Eventually you will stop crying and one day in the future you will be getting ready for bed and realise that you hadn't thought of him, or hurt, all day.
However, there will still be the odd days over the years where the anger and hurt will raise their heads, and all you will do is acknowledge and move on.
If I had MY time again I might have asked when the suggestion a night in a hotel might help, if he really thought his dick was so magical it could erase all the hurt and pain he had caused.
If you have a girlfriend or sister you can confide in, and who will let you have a good cry and contradict yourself from one day to the next while you get your head around this situation get in touch with her now, and tell her what is going on.
It will get better, I promise!
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