A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, Men! I need your advice, ladies your welcome to opinions as well. I've been dating a man long distance, known him for a year, dating for 5 months, we are not in a committed relationship but we do go and visit each other every 2 months, we always have a great time, he is very sweet and romantic with me, He randomly mentions things regarding a future with me and I just follow his lead I.e asking me to move to another state with him, calling me by his last name, mentioning having a child etc) all HIS doing not mine, although I do want to be with him but the distance is mainly a factor of why we are not exclusive on my end. We have never actually spoke on where we are going in this relationship. He has said that he is curious and anxious to see what can become of the both of us.Anyways,I recently went to visit him. We never use protection, yes I know bad! I am not doing this with anyone else as. He isn't. Well about 2 weeks ago we had a lil misunderstanding, he had been moody and I called him on it in a text message, kinda went off on him on how he had been so nonchalant with me. It was the wrong time when I texted him and he to irritates and we didn't speak for about 5 days. We recently slowly started getting back into our routine when I found out I was pregnant. I was not going to tell him until I was ready and able to get a handle on the situation myself but he found out on my Facebook page when a friend of mine questioned it cause I had gone to the doctor that day. I got a text from saying "Wtf, are you pregnant?" I responded later telling him how I'm sorry he found out the way he did and how i didnt mention my current worry because i wanted to find out for sure before i ever told him, and explained how scared I am right now and how I know he is freaking out.He replied saying yea it was a pretty messed up way to find out and am I sure it happened when it happened and not from the previous visit since we only had sex one time on this visit. I explained it didn't matter that I was one time, I was ovulating and the timing on it must have been right. He replied a few minutes later saying "I'm going to talk to you tomorrow, I dont want to say the wrong thing right now" what does that mean? Was he going to say something rude and mean? I'm so confused, he is a hard man to read in general now I'm really unclear on what he is thinking.Btw, I have no kids, he has a 10 year old daughter and is a wonderful father.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): So, you knew you were ovulating and had unprotected sex with a man who did not bother to provide with this incredibly important information before you had sex. Then, when you find out you are pregnant with his child, he doesn't find out from you, he finds out on facebook...
Do you play games like this with all the men you aren't exclusive with, or just this one?
Do you expect him to be happy you are pregnant?! What if he isn't ready for a child? I wouldn't be suprised if your inability to communicate with this man completely ruined any chance at the 'future' you two discussed having together. What you have done is reckless, immature, and shows you are selfish impulsive creature. You may want to learn how to be a good loving parent now, because i have a strong feeling you are going to be a single mom.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 April 2012):
 I think he is freaking out. And WTF? posting THAT kind of news on Facebook?
He is mad that you didn't BOTHER picking up the phone to tell him. And maybe he is mad at himself for not using a condom.
Hopefully he just needed to figure out how he really feel about this.
Yes, I think he was stopping himself from saying something rude & mean.
I''m sorry but I don't see why you two were so casual about sex.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (14 April 2012):
 It sounds like he needs a bit of time to think things through.
Just because he did not say "omg that's so awesome!!" it does NOT make him a bad person. He is a human being, just because he is already a father and a "grown-up" that doesnt mean he can take everything in his stride. He also has no control over this situation at all, can you imagine how terrifying that is?
I think men are put under wayyy too much pressure to stand up and say that it will all be ok and fine when they don't know and they are scared too. You should have used a condom and that was his responsibility as well as yours, but really you cant expect him to not be shocked and to just hold it all together.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (14 April 2012):
 If the guy wasn't serious, he would have used a condom. No use blaming the girl for this!! (To the anonymous male poster below me.)
I think he might try to accuse you of sleeping with other men. I sincerely hope he doesn't but I think he was about to say something to that effec but decided to think it over and get back to you. Don't blame yourself, OP. Contraception is not the woman's responsibility alone. It's equally the man's responsibility so he can't escape the consequences of his inconsiderate conduct.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (14 April 2012):
 He was shocked and angry , its very immature to reveal pregnancy to others on a network site Its HIS child and a massive life changing experience . it says alot about you and he has alot to think about . I feel immensely sorry for him and hope you can work through this together but I doubt it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): The simple fact it was displayed on FB and thats how he found out is enough for him to want to digest the information. He may think you were trying to trap him and he isnt ready. He clearly is a very decent man and a baby is a huge thing for him or he would simply have reacted immediately.Finding out on a social network site is probably not how he saw his child being announced.
Hope it works out for you I really do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): Think of it from his perspective: he's not wanting any kind of commitment with you, let alone something that cements him to you for life. Had he been on the relationship track and falling in love, his reaction would have been very different. The reason you aren't exclusive and why he doesn't tell you where you stand is because if he avoids that exclusivity talk, he can have you fly in (hopefully he's paying for that!) and enjoy a weekend in the sack with no strings for as long as you let him get away with it. A sure sign a man is faking a future with you is to reference the future but make no solid promises. Harsh but true, when he was hit with the news, he realized he vastly overestimated your ability to be rational and take care of yourself. One would think you'd be on birth control if you are having sex outside of commitment. Now he feels duped and trapped and he's furious. What man wants to get news that some woman he doesn't intend to have a serious relationship with is now claiming she's carrying his child? It's every guys worst fear. Give him time to process this and don't be surprised if he wants a paternity test. Hopefully he'll fulfill his child support obligations, make sure you hold him legally accountable. All that future talk he gave you? Sole purpose was for short term gain...sex, attention, affection...the guy never thought he'd have to follow through. That's what he is thinking.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (14 April 2012):
 yes he was probably going to speak out of anger or shock but you should have been an adult and told him right off instead of finding out on the internet-why didn't you delete that post and talk to him, I find it an incredibly disrespectful way to find out and would be pissed too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): OK, unless you're in a happy committed long-term relationship or marriage where you are your partner have been actively trying to have children, almost all other times receiving news that you or your partner are pregnant is not 100% good news but varying degrees of "oh no I don't want this!!"
And people have different ways of expressing that thought. Some may use strong language. Others may panic and the rest of their life flashes before their eyes and they may start moaning about how they don't want that. others may get mad at you for putting them in this situation (yes even though it takes two to tango..)
Of course, you are likely to not be happy at these reactions, no matter how honest and true they are to him. You will probably get very upset. hence he wants time to calm down so he won't react in a way that will upset you.
I guess he wants time to sort out how he feels about this. he may not be exactly happy to be having a kid with you given the circumstances of your relationship (altho then why didn't you both ever use protection with each other?)
then he may also want to sort out how he feels about this possibly not being his baby since your relationship hasn't been an exclusive one. does he still want to see you, if you're pregnant with someone else's baby?
then, the fact that you didn't tell him instead he found out, of all ways, through facebook. maybe this makes him question if you were deliberately trying to deceive him and is changing how he feels about you. this would be another thing that could cause him to blurt out strong words if he was asked for an immediate response.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (14 April 2012):
 I think it was a good move on his part. Most people just try to solve all their problems right when they come up. He needs time to collect his thoughts and think about the events that have taken place without having someone elses imput or someone waiting around for an answer right away. He didn't want the wrong thing to be said. To be honest a day wait is what more couples need to do when there is an arguement because it is so easy to say something that you will regret and that's just human nature. Give him some space and let him make conversation with you now about the situation. He doesn't sound like the type of guy who will run if he can but you may need to have a paternity test taken because you did state that this was not a committed relationship. Be prepared for him to question this and it doesn't mean you should be hurt but he needs time to think about what he needs to do as a man, also he needs to protect himself in that the baby may not be his even though you are sure it is you may still be wrong.
Time with your thoughts to yourself is not a bad thing. I doubt he would want to start off the pregnancy with a big fight so this way it can be avoided.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): it means he wants to think things over and process his thoughts before saying anything to you.
some possible reasons for this:
1. this is a LIFE CHANGING event. even if you two never end up together he is still responsible for this child for the rest of his life.
2. he may also be wondering if you've been sleeping with anyone else and it's someone else's baby.
3. he is outraged that you posted it on facebook before you had the courtesy to tell him privately. He feels disrespected and is upset about that. Also he's thinking this might mean it's not his baby that's why he's the last to know. that means you've been cheating on him.
4. you have a tendency to "go off at him" so he doesn't want to express what he is truly thinking and feeling in the moment because he knows it will likely make you go off again. He wants to take time to censor himself so as to not create an even bigger mess.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (14 April 2012):
Hmmm I know you wanted a man's perspective. But out of what you said in the last paragraph about him questioning when it was and it being "one time," I'm going to guess he was going to be accusing you of sleeping with someone else and claim that it might not be his.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (14 April 2012):
 I'm guessing he's freaked out and rather than say something he might regret, he chose to have some time and space to figure out how to deal with things. Perhaps not the best way to handle things, but better than him saying something REALLY awful. When I had an unexpected pregnancy, my husband (now ex) actually said "How the F*** did that happen?" I can't tell you how much that hurt! I know he was stressed out, but so was I and that was definitely not what I wanted to hear! Hang in there, maybe it will be ok.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): it was obviously a shock to him (as it probably was to you too) so i wouldnt worry too much about what he said and wait and see what he says when hes had a chance to process the information.
Iv seen men have a mad reaction to a pregnancy but once the baby arrives its all totally different.
I wouldnt put too much pressure on him, leave him and wait til hes ready to talk about it once hes got his head around it.
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