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I stayed through fear, now worried my life is over and his is just beginning again

Tagged as: Breaking up, Family, Marriage problems, Sex, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 March 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 29 July 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Ok I need some help to deal with something that I know is really silly so I need some support here please . I've been with my husband and father of my children for twenty years . Over the course of our marriage he has had a problem with pirn and ogling younger women , especially as we reached our 40s and beyond

The marriage has finally hit bursting point and I'm pretty sure this is it. Whilst I live wish him all the best and myself too , I'm really really worried how I'm going to cope with seeing him move on . Knowing the value he places on young hot women , in almost certain that he will ensure he ends up in a relationship with a woman who is much younger and more beautiful than me.

I know some people will say that he won't find that but given that we are very financially comfortable and he is also very fit I know he will have no trouble landing a young chick

I am ready for it and a part of me feels I have to let him and my marriage go to let go to let him have what he had wanted so bad for so long .

I feel so worthless and really am trying hard to find ways to build my confidence back up after years of supporting him in his business and my family

I need to be ready for this . I feel no man will want me as beauty is so important to men yet he is a hot commodity and young women will see him as a man with wealth and power . Even one of my children told me I should be grateful to have him and my age and should hang on lest he find a young woman . I stayed for longer than I should because of the fear until I realised it was ridiculous .

View related questions: confidence, move on

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (29 July 2017):

Please, go to a psychologist and get the help you need to handle this by a professional.

If you really want out, please, get out.

If you feel that your husband does not loves you anymore, then it's time to move on.

If he does not haves sex with you for years, or he doesn't explicitly tells you that he loves you, then it's a bad sign.

It doesn't matter if he ends up with a teenage girl or a stripper or a porn actress, that's his business, he is an adult it's his life. Once you are out of that marriage, it's none of your business what he does and what he does not.

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WILL DO WHEN YOU ARE OUT. THINK ON YOURSELF FIRST.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (5 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHave you spoke to him about how you feel? Told him your fears? Has he even told you he wants the marriage to end or is this your own insecurities? Talk to each other, communicate and work out between you both a way forward.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2017):

Sorry to hear this happen... But may the young women of today see him as a hot commodity for his wealth and leave him without a penny to whimper ever after.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2017):

So who cares if he finds a younger woman? If that is really what he thinks he wants he may be in for a surprise, as every stage of life comes with its own complications, and I doubt it will be an easy relationship to hack with an age difference.

What you should focus on is finding happiness outside of men. Make new friends. Maybe if the right man comes along in your age bracket who values mature women, then that will be great.

Another question though....porn is a big problem nowadays. I don't agree with it, but many men watch it as it is everywhere, and it usually contains "perfect" women. So he wouldn't be rare in this struggle. I also wanted to point out that almost ALL men ogle women to some degree or other. I have never been with a man who hasn't. Neither of these things on their own mean that your husband doesn't love or isn't attracted to you. Have you considered that? Or has your husband given you more reason to question his motivations? I.E. he is ogling with the intent of cheating?

Either way you are going to have to work on your own confidence and self worth going forward. You can't break down every time your man looks at another woman. You have to believe in your own internal beauty and worth, so that it doesn't matter.

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A female reader, malvern United Kingdom +, writes (27 March 2017):

malvern agony auntHow dreadful that you are putting yourself down in this way, you seem to be blaming yourself for everything when he's the one at fault. What a shallow man he is to cast you to one side while he chases off after 'beautiful' women ! Beauty actually isn't important to most men and the reality is that most men on their own want to meet a loving woman with whom they can have an enjoyable life. Would it really make him happy if he did find 'a young chick' ? Look what he's got at stake - you could take him for half of everything including the business, he would lose a lot of his friends and lose the respect of his family. I don't think your children will be happy about seeing their dad with somebody else and what an appalling thing that one of your children actually said you should be 'grateful at your age" !! You are not old believe me !

You need to surround yourself with your female friends, go out get your hair done, make up done etc, buy some new clothes and go out and enjoy yourself with your friends going to the theatre, for meals etc. If your husband chooses to go off with dolly birds do you really care anymore? He's not making you happy is he? Make a life for yourself, gain a bit of confidence and I'm sure you'll get some admiring glances. Don't listen to your children, what do they know of life ? There are many many single people over the age of 50 who go on to meet new partners, often getting married , and having happy lives. Personally I'd stick two fingers up at your husband, tell him enough is enough and go off and enjoy yourself, and don't be soft - you've been too soft for too long.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2017):

Just get out there and grab lifes opportunities!

What a drag being married to a man for years who considered himself to be objectively beautiful!

You have valued yourself for so long through his crieria of beauty that your confidence is vanishing.

He has tossed himself off for so long to the site of girls who were but babies when he was courting you.

I assume you didnt impose your coming to the sight of naked younger men on him until he lacked confidence in his appeal!

In other words this bloke didnt love you enough to accept that he was getting older.

He may think he is twentyish but he has all the trappings of an older man!

So disinvest in him and plan yourself a happier future with some man who is less vain, less deluded and far nicer!

When you see him through realistic eyes he will cease having such a hold over you that you undervalue yourself.

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