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I feel trapped, I want him to move out but he has no money!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 March 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 5 April 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid

My boyfriend is 45 and we have been together for a few years. I am aware that he likes to drink and we have had some arguments about this and I have told him I respect his right to make his own choices but a life which focuses on alcohol is not for me. The problem is that he is in a bad position financially and I can't make him move out of my house as he has nowhere to go. Until his earnings improve (he is trying) we are going to be living together. Last week he went out for lunch with colleagues and some business associates. His coworkers had to drive his car home as he was so drunk he couldn't stand. Our neighbours saw him staggering around the drive as his two coworkers and I tried to get him inside. I was so embarrassed. This is the second time he has arrived home lke this - the last time he almost got into a physical fight with one of the neighbours.

Once I got him inside he was so pale and unresponsive I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance. I had to watch him until he seemed better and then he kept talking and talking and if I looked away for a moment he would scream at me that I don't care. I was exhausted but couln't sleep as I was too stressed. I spent the rest of the weekend feeling as if something was wrong, jumping at the slightest sound, having sudden flashbacks to the scene outside when his colleagues brought him home. I feel so awful, he just said oh sorry and acted normal. I can't make him move out now unless I pay for somewhere for him to stay. I feel trapped.

View related questions: co-worker, drunk, money, neighbour, trapped

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (5 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntOff course you can make him leave. He is using your place as a rent free place to live while he spends all his money on booze. He has pulled the wool over your eyes. He has a drink problem and you keeping him in your home free off charge is allowing him to continue to drink and self destruct. Stop allowing him to rule your home. Show him the door. He is an adult.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia +, writes (27 March 2017):

Caring Aunty A agony auntNo one person with substance abuse issues gets better with people enabling them! That strangely includes you being afraid for him, thinking he can't pay rent elsewhere. Sometimes if not always; caring for someone with this condition only cripples them from getting treatment sooner than later. You become their enabler for them not to change, get a better job, stand on their own two feet.

If his coworkers are such great mates; helping him get pissed to the eye balls, I think you could drop him off at their place? What are great mates for?

I understand you feeling trapped because you do care for him and don't wish him harm... but there is no such thing as him having nowhere to go! Because he has money for drink etc. and if he were a tenant you'd give him notice and evict him!?

You need to be cold (not cold of heart) to preserve your sanity, otherwise you may as well be sadly digging your grave.

Take Care - CAA

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (27 March 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou are doing him no favours by supporting him. Why should he change when he knows you will stand by him?

Give him a time limit to move out, then change the locks so he can't get back in. He is an adult and, as such, not your responsibility.

Trust me, he WILL find somewhere to live. It's just that, at the moment, he has absolutely no reason to do it as he knows you will put up with him.

His behaviour is already affecting your mental health. How long are you going to let him do this to you?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2017):

You are enabling him to drink. You give him a place to live and you support him. He needs to hit rock bottom in order to get the help he needs. If he gets hurt or even dies it is not your fault.All of that is on him. In the usa we have a group called alenon it is for families and friends of alcoholics. Search your area for a group like that. But you know they will tell you the same thing.....Kick him out...No more enabling...He has to hit rock bottom and want help...It is not on you do not feel bad for his decisions?.You sure can make him move it is called changing your locks.I bet there is law's where you live where you can evict someone if you are not safe. You are not safe with someone who drinks like that.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (27 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntYo uCAN "make" him move out, but you can also do what feels right for you and let him stay a little while. My advice though is that you give him 30 or 60 days to find a room to let/roommate situation which HE will have to find ways to pay for.

I suggest you go to Citizen Advice and see what could be available.

And no, I don't think you should be paying for a place for him either. HE is a grown man who NEEDS to take care of himself. If that means he will go into a homeless shelter or government housing then that will be his path.

NOT your path.

How long are you supposed to wait for him to get a better job? All the while supporting him?

He needs to find help with his alcohol issues and YOU need to let him go. Swim or sink, THAT is on him. NOT you.

I get that you cared for him and don't want him homeless but I fail to see how it's ALL on you to take care of this grown man.

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