A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I slapped the man I adore to death this weekend when I was drunk, well we were both drunk. He now doesn't want to speak or talk to me. I clearly don't want this, what should I do?A bit of back round on us.Him and I have been on and off for over two years. At first we started talking and became what I'd call sex buddies. I noticed maybe a month into it I started to like and care for him ( I knew sex buddies someone ends up caring for the other, why I'm normally against it), after we had did the dirty one night he asked if I loved him, quite thrown by this I said I cared for him. A week later him and I decide to take "X" together, he'd never done it, I had when I was a teen. He started losing it and I started taking care of him, so we laid in his friends bed for hours with me feeding him water and keeping his head cool, just talking to him to keep him calm and it hit me that I do love him, the next day him and I talked and I told him and he said he loves me too. His friends didn't like him having a GF because he was their party buddy, so once a month he'd leave for a weekend and not talk to me and party all weekend with them. About a year later we are in the hospital his friends wife threw a candle drunkenly and broke his nose, I find out he slept with another girl.. sober when he was in training in Cali getting ready to deploy. I was a complete wreck, I took care of him but I was so hurt. We talked through things. A month later he broke both his hands, I took care of him through that as well. Then he deployed to Afghanistan, I was a great girlfriend to him, but he started getting odd and he said he needed a break and I agreed thinking whatever is best for him to make it through deployment, we still talked every chance he got... a month later I find out he has been talking to someone else and he wants a serious relationship and didn't think we could have one. I fell to pieces and stopped talking to him, he wrote me a couple weeks later and I was very mean to him and he admitted he had slept with four other women during our relationship but when he came on home for two weeks on leave from Afghanistan I spent it with him and we were perfect and we talked everything out, we were doing great, til we got into a fight over something silly ( we have trust issues, he didn't trust me because the beginning of our relationship guy would always text me), he forgot I had his passwords and I checked his email once and saw he was talking to the girl he started dating during his deployment. I lost it and we broke up and didn't talk much of his deployment. He came back barely a week ago, got wasted his first night tried driving to see me, couldn't called a cab and ended up on my porch. He stayed the night and we spent the week together and the weekend up til Saturday night when I slapped him.I saw him last night to get my things from his room and we slept together.I feel horrible for hitting him. I do love him, we've been through so much. I honestly have no clue what to do.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 September 2010):
 Ah it wasn't in the face, ok not so bad if you did it in the arm still a form of violence when your drunk but then again the cheating sticks out in my head. Sorry but just because your in Afghanistan an entirely different country and zip code, rules still apply. Still if he's ruined that trust so many times before, how can you be so trusting again? He can blame it on Afghanistan and it's not the military's fault it's his, ultimately who does he go home to, who is his support thru these times? You, but you continue to go unappreciated...Military isn't easy dear but you got to have trust. In those 2 years he could get sent back to Iraq...he could cheat on you again. How many more times are you going to let him?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): DrPsych - No I'm not into drugs, drinking, and violence. I did X a few times in my teen years. Drinking, I dont take it out of control. Violence, I've never hit him before in over two years.
QuirkLady - Trust me I know its 100% wrong and as far as I know he didn't do anything to deserve it. We are both like magnetics to each other and we know it. Over his leave he was a completely different man and showed me 100 % that he only wanted me and every problem I had he tried to fix it.
Romany- I honestly dont know why I hit him, as far as I know he didn't deserve it. I didn't slap him in the face, I guess I slapped him a few times in the arm. If my things werent in his room, he wouldnt talk to me, but I had to pick my things up, he wanted to give thm to my friend and me get them from her.
Tennisstar - I dont know why, I was completely drunk and so was he. The sleeping with other woman I had already known about, he told me about them before he spent his leave with me, he wanted to be fully honest so we could work on always being honest. He has been to Afghanistan twice and he is getting out of the military. In the little over two years, he was gone one but the one year he was here we saw each other every day, it was rarely we didn't. There wasn't many times we weren't together.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (8 September 2010):
 This relationship is a disaster and it is going no-where good. Your life is shrouded in drink, drugs and violence. You are mistaking a sexual relationship for something rather more loving. He isn't faithful to you at all, and does the on-off routine when he feels like it. You are stressed and anxious about him, feel disrespected and go checking up on his messages and slapping him. This is not a long term relationship that is going anywhere except to domestic violence court and possible mental illness for you from the stress. You maybe young and keen to party but it is obvious that alcohol is triggering your violence. You need to keep an eye on your drinking before it gets a hold of you. When you are sober you are in a better position to make the right decisions. The right decision would be to leave him alone. This is a very dysfunctional, angry relationship and you are both getting hurt in different ways.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (8 September 2010):
 What you did was wrong, absolutely 100% wrong.
With that said, I wish you loved yourself as much as you loved this cheating fool. You have trust issues because some dude texted you? No, you two have trust issues because he has cheated on you several times, and he uses the "that guy texted you" as an EXCUSE. He comes back to you because you let him, and you take care of him, despite the fact that he plain doesn't respect you. (A man who respects you is honest with you at all times, and doesn't have sex outside the relationship and throw it in your face when he's mad.)
You have done so much for this man, but what has he done for you? Has he respected your heart? Does he treat you like you are the only woman for him? From here it looks like he has treated you like a doormat.
Break up with him, and take some time to figure out what you need from a relationship. Figure out what a mutual loving and respectful relationship is and go for one. Don't ever let anyone take advantage of your good heart over and over again, because that is just a recipe for disaster.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (8 September 2010):
Now I don't want you to get the wrong impression of me Romany. I don't go around bitch slapping guys for no apparent reason, plus the last time i did so was in my late teens. However, I do think if a guy calls you a foul word such as a cunt, told you he cheated on you 4 times or pushes you then he deserves a hard slap in the face. Then again I do know violence isn't the answer..but we can't be perfect, logical, and composed all the time. Sometimes we slip.
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A
female
reader, romany +, writes (8 September 2010):
 Dont usually disagree with you Tennisstar, and i still agree with a majority of what you say here, but i got to say, bitch slapping anyone aint on, and bitch slapping a man is foolish, I taught my daughter, never hit anyone, unless your prepared to get one back, and remember, that men are physically stronger, and some aren't brought up as well as your brother and they may hit back.
If this had been a bloke writing this, we would have come down on him with a ton of bricks.
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A
female
reader, romany +, writes (8 September 2010):
Confused, you slapped him the weekend, now he wont speak to you, but you saw his last night to get your stuff and you slept together.
If you slept together, he's already on his way to forgiving you, and you never did explain why you slapped him, not that it makes any difference, nothing gives anyone the right to lay their hands on someone else.
I would hope you have apologised profusely, but i would again apologise then leave him be for a while, and wait for him to contact you.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (8 September 2010):
Why did you slap him? Well, after cheating on you with four women and talking to another I think a slap in the face was much deserved. There's nothing men hate more than a woman just bitch slapping them in the face..It's about equivalent to kicking a man in the balls. To them it's degrading, and because you're a woman they can't hit you back, actually some don't abide by this rule. Now I see you taking care of him when his "party" buddies didn't even at times when you weren't his girl. He really hasn't repaid you for your kindness has he?
Here's the thing about military relationships..there has to be trust because you're basically in a LDR until he proposes. This one I don't see him doing anytime soon, he's still into the cheating, let's have fun, "I survived Afghanistan let's get wasted" stage. These guys can't really hold down a serious relationship because they're too interested in having fun, traveling the country and meeting new girls. And who doesn't love a man in a uniform, right? Sometimes these guys grow out of this face, or they get married and cheat on their wife never really growing out of that phase. So I'm curious as to why you're still with him? 2 years isn't really that much time invested in an on/off/relationship/FWB..For some apparent reason you still love him, and you did what he considers an unforgivable thing. The only thing you can do is apologize(even though I don't think he deserves it) and eventually he'll get over it.
Note: I'm a military wife and I've bitch slapped my fair share of jerks. One I apologized but the rest deserved what they got.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): its obvious that you do love him but he doesnt deserve you sounds to me like youve givin him more than 1 too many chances now youve just become the one he turns too cuz he knows youll be there waiting for him i would ask him straight up if your relationship is ever going to go anywhere
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