A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm wondering how stable most people's (in particular, men's) feelings are. I know everyone is different, but I'm talking in general, or you personally. I ask because if I fall in love, I see it as a long term, stable thing and don't feel the need to say it all the time - as long as my partner knows it or can see it from my actions. But my last boyfriend said that all his feelings and everything he said to me was all 'in the moment' only - so if he said he loved me, he did right then, and if he didn't say it then he didn't feel it then. I'm wondering if that's fairly normal? I've been with my current boyfriend for 6 months and he's told me he loves me once but he looks deep into my eyes, hold me close and shows me how he feels in other ways all the time. Deep down I feel that is right and maybe we are just better suited to each other in this way than I was with my last boyfriend. But I worry that he doesn't feel it for me as much because he isn't saying it. I also worry he will change his mind and that love is fickle for everyone like it was for my ex.
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female
reader, answerfromtheheart  +, writes (8 September 2010):
 Men express their feelings differently than women. We want to hear it with our ears, they mostly afraid to say those things or just not trained to do that, but if they truly love you, you do see it in their actions.
Actions do speak louder than words.
I don't think your ex boyfriend truly loved you, because if you love someone, you don't stop loving them when they do something bad, you may be mad at them, but you still love them.
This guy you have seems genuine. See what will develop. He sounds wonderful.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): I think that by assuming things will be as strained as they were with your last boyfriend, you’d be doing a great injustice to the man you’re with now. It’s so easy to assume the worst in our relationships, because deep down we’re all scared things are going to blow up and end in some dramatic soap opera, leaving us with nothing but regret. But I think sometimes you just have to let those feelings go and let yourself fall head over heels without worrying what’s going to happen or if he genuinely loves you. The last guy you were with made a mistake, in my opinion. I believe he was wrong. I believe that if you love someone, you tell them every chance you get because you don’t want the other person to ever feel unloved or unwanted. I don’t think love is something that can be unfelt at the drop of a hat… it’s not that easy. It’s actually extremely complicated sometimes. Even when mistakes happen… say your current boyfriend cheated on you in the spur of the moment and he told you that he felt ashamed and worthless because of it. Would you immediately stop loving him? As much as you might want to, as easy as it would makes things, I don’t believe for one second that you can turn that emotion off. Even in a situation such as the one I just described… the reason that breaks our hearts when it happens is because of the betrayal felt, because of the love we allowed ourselves to give and feel. Your last boyfriend clearly wasn’t ready to be in love. I think he took that emotion for granted.
Personally, I love it when my boyfriend tells me he loves me. I’m a fairy-tale kind of girl… so to me, that’s something that just makes me melt. It’s a good feeling knowing somebody loves you with their entire heart and isn’t afraid to feel that with you. He doesn’t tell me all the time, and that’s okay because… like you… that feeling gets described in the actions and other feelings he shares with me. If you want to hear it more, talk about it with him. Tell him how it makes you feel when you hear it, and how you adore it when he looks at you like that. Talking about those 3 little words in a non-threatening, sharing tone can bring the relationship to a whole new level. It may make you feel vulnerable for a while, but sometimes feeling vulnerable is necessary to test the boundaries of the relationship. Good luck! ?
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